After finding out about Husbands 2 EA's in 2005 alone.. I was feeling pretty depressed, angry, vulnerable etc.. despite the fact that we are going to marriage counseling and seem to be doing okay. H is working on meeting EN's and practicing transparency as far as I know.

Well 01/04/06, I received an email from a male friend who I haven't heard from in at least 3 years wishing me a happy new year etc.. We have been friends for the last 15 years and we used to have "crushes" on one another. Needless to say, I responded KNOWING full well what the consequences would be.. but at that point I was feeling like I didn't care anymore.

Fast forward to 01/11/06- our emails had progressed and he was in some way meeting some of my EN's and making me feel good about myself again. It felt good and nice and yet soo soo bad all at the same time.. I finally couldn't do it anymore. I called my H at work and told him everything that had transpired within that week. He immediately came home and we talked and i cried b/c i felt like complete s**t! As angry as I could tell my husband was, he still remained very calm and said.. that he forgives me, that he loves me, and that he doesn't blame me b/c he knows he drove me to it by the things he has done to me..

But that's my point.. He didn't drive me to it.. I am responsible for my own actions and i'm sooo pissed at myself to allow this to go as far as it did. I told my husband the details of all our emails.. He didn't want to see them b/c he knew he would be hurt and didn't know how he would react.. he demanded that I quit talking to this guy and send him an email telling him that our friendship was over.. I did send and the friend responded saying " if that is what i truly wanted he would respect my wishes, that he loved me and he would miss me and think of me as he always did" ..

Now back to my husband and I .. I feel horrible.. i've been depressed and moping around since Wednesday. and there is one thing that keeps going thru my mind over and over.. While husband and I were talking about the details of this "friendship" he said. "but I don't consider it cheating b/c it was not physical, it was just email??" and that hurt!!! b/c from waht I know, none of his were physical either but they still cut like a knife.. How can he see the pain that he caused me and where i'm coming from and understand my hurt feeling and reactions if he doesn't even see what he or I did as an "affair"???

Right now , I just feel hopeless about our future.. like i f**ked up and therefore I know he is going to pay me back b/c now he has "ammunition" against me.. this sux! and i'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.