I just sent an email to my wife. She's upstairs shopping for an appartment... "It's only a 3 month lease - it's not as if I'm planning to move out for good!" Anyway, I so want her to hear me through the fog. Here's the message... Let me know if I made a big boo-boo and/or if you see any LB's I should have avoided.

As always, any advice is greatly appreciated:

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Dear [Crystal43],

I hear you. You don't want to talk about this every day. But I don't see you ever wanting to talk about it to me. The closest thing you've said to initiating a discussion of "it" was when you offered that you want a trial separation and when you said you wanted to tell the kids this weekend.

I get that you don't trust me with your feelings, and I get that you're tired of what, I guess, you see as weakness in me. (Wanting to talk things through to some sort of resolution.)

You *say* you understand that you're not the only one who's broken, but that's not how you act. The separation is going to happen on YOUR timetable. Did you remember how you reacted to me when I tried to have an input on the timing? All h-e-l-l broke lose. Now that you've got a job, moving ahead with a separation is A-OK. It's all about you. In what way have you accounted for my feelings?

I get that I broke your heart a long time before you broke mine. I get that you have no intention of forgiving me for it. I get that you refuse to let the knowledge of what God wants interfere with your plans. I get it. You're your own person, and no stick-in-the-mud fat-###ed jerk of a "husband" is going to tell you what to do. I get it. I get that you want to start the clock ticking so you can get rid of me forever. And I get that you're going to counseling because you want somebody I trust to tell me to stop trying and just give you whatever divorce and whatever settlement you want because God had nothing to do with us being together in the first place, so He WANTS us to divorce. I GET IT.

That said, your contempt is beneath you.

You see I'm hurting so what do you say? Dripping with condesention, you inquire, "Is there anything else you want to ask?"

Why, [Crystal43]? Why do you have to be so cold?

If you are intent on leaving, and nothing is going to make you stay, why are you playing the game that you want a "trial separation"?

Part of me knows that since you have very recently been in contact with people from this summer that I should count everything you say as fog-babble. I'm trying to, because I want to find hope that you will turn around, choose to find happiness in our marriage, and join me on the path I've just started. But it's so hard. I don't know if part of you is testing me... You said that's one of the things you were doing this summer - treating me like [####] to see if I could stand up and continue to hold on to my committment to you through it all. I don't know if you're trying to punish me, but I think that any punishment value you get from this is secondary, at best. I don't know if you have decided to horde as much contempt for me as you can muster so that you can flagrantly do whatever selfish thing you like - for yourself - and smile when you see how much it hurts me. It's what other wayward spouses have done, and it's basically what you did this summer.

[Crystal43], I've reached the end of my endurance. I have no hope left. I wish could flush the faith out of me, too. Then I would welcome your departure, and be happy at your attempts to spend as little time with me as possible even while we're in the house together, but I can't. I'll put it bluntly, and feel free to hate me (as if you don't already) - You know the difference between right and wrong, and you know you're choosing what's wrong. You know the Bible is unequivocal as to what God would say, but you choose to pretend like there MUST be a "[Crystal43]" exception in there somewhere. You tried your best to justify wanting to divorce me to [Pastor] when he asked you directly if you knew what God wants for our marriage. Then you tried to play dumb and say that you didn't really know. That's a lie. I don't know if you've convinced yourself that you believe it, but you know that the Bible doesn't say "God hates divorce, that is unless you really really don't like your spouse and don't think it can ever turn around, and then He's happy to see you split up so that you can find happiness elsewhere." You know the only "easy" option the Bible gives is where a Christian is married to a non-believer, and the non-believer hits the road.

So, is "right" so difficult to distinguish from "wrong"? I didn't think so. Doing what's right is VERY difficult, and that's what we need to do TOGETHER, and what counseling will go a long way to help.

Before you get in a huff and say that I'm trying to manipulate you... That I'm trying to beat you up with scriptures, take a deep breath. I'm putting my cards on the table. I'm done with the game. I can't play the game anymore because I hurt too much. I want you to choose:

A - Do the right thing, submit to God's will, and come back to working on the family trusting Him that the feelings of love WILL return, or

B - Do the wrong thing, turn your back on what you know is God's will, place your personal desires ahead of anything else, take control at all costs, and damn the rest of us to the results.

I'm not going back on what I said before. I know I broke your heart, and I know I don't deserve your love or trust. I understand your urge to run and your contempt, I really do, and I even understand why you wouldn't care one bit about how bad I feel. Nevertheless, no matter how understandable and reasonable, from a human level, running away from the incredible amount of work that our marriage will need to be restored is, when you're a Christian, it boils down to a VERY simple question of clear right and clear wrong.

I can't hold you here. I can't make you do what's right, no matter how much I wish I could. But I can't be a doormat forever. Is it a lack of faith on my part? Maybe. Maybe I could hold on indefinitely in this emotional purgatory. Maybe, but even if it doesn't kill me, I'm calling "Uncle" now and am putting my cards down.

It's your move. Which way are you going to go?


Sincerely,
[TestedDevotion]

YIKES! The letter is full of DJ's and LB's.

Next time, please post any letters here BEFORE you send them.

Tested...

Agree with believer on this...it's not the end of the world, so don't go beating yourself to death over it...

Okay, it definitely seems crystal clear that the A is full steam ahead...there is no other reason to lease an apt for 3 mths., unless she's looking for the option of "seeing if things will work out"...Sorry, that option goes away when you get married...I don't know how, but every WS sees their own brand of logic in being able to be married and still try others on for size...UGH!!!

Anyway, you've got to start Plan A'ing BIGTIME...SNOOP...GATHER EVIDENCE...and THEN you've got to blow the lid off this thing with FULL, ALL IN ONE FELL SWOOP EXPOSURE...Until the affair is over and no contact is established you treat your W like an alien...smile, listen(with a grain of salt), and nod...A LOT...no rationalizing with the irrational, ok?

Tempted...catch me up...what methods are you going to use to gather evidence here? Once you have it, who are the key people that you can expose to? For your W? For OM?

Try to keep your chin up and come here for advice before you proceed on anything...

Mrs. W

I don't know what methods I'll plan on using to snoop on her. I really haven't done much lately. I checked the cell-phone records, and found that she re-established fairly consistent contact w/ OM about 2 months ago, and she had some other strange numbers she'd been calling. I called 'em, found out who they belonged to, and then went and had a chat with my darlin' WW.

That was back on the evening of the 10th. According to the cell phone records it does not look as if she's been calling him, or anyone but me and her aunt from the cell.

About a week ago, I asked her if she'd had any contact with anyone that she knows I would consider inappropriate... She said that she had been in contact w/ OM, and that since it was "just friends" conversation stuff, and since she'd already told me, that it was ok. I told her then that it wasn't. Then on the 10th I saw a handfull of numbers I didn't recognize, and that she'd been having extensive contact w/ OM, and I asked her.

She got indignant... "I thought you couldn't remember the password to get onto the cell phone website???" I agreed that I couldn't so I had it reset. Then she got defiant. The other men were just others who had gone through divorces and she was talking to them because it was difficult to find women on the net, and because she wanted information about how it would go. Of course, there was also the call to the fellow she'd had 2 ONSs with this summer, and that was just a "Hey, friend, long time since we talked," call.

Do I know if she's actively physically involved with anyone? No, I don't. I'm certain she isn't with me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> However, I don't know that I WANT to know, but I guess maybe I need to so that I can step in again and try to get NC. If she's developed another physical relationship, I don't think it would be w/ OM, but I could be wrong.

Buy a voice activated DIGITAL recorder at Radio Shack and hide it in her car. Rent or buy a GPS tracking device. As a man, you are going to have a higher burden of proof, practically speaking, if you hope to obtain primary custody of your daughters. Read the article of the main website about what this teaches young girls about how to treat the men in their lives.

Stop trying to teach your WW. Until you bust up the affair she is not going to listen to you. Your letter is only fodder for the affair and it could hurt you in court. You seem to be taking a whole lot of responsibility for the breakdown in your relationship. If she wasn't having an affair I might agree with you. However, the affair is paramount, undeserved and never your fault.

Just friends...my "b"[censored]. We've all heard that.

Again, you're smart...you expect people to pay you for the rest of your life for your learned expertise yet you won't trust Dr. Harley and his practical experience with thousands of cases of infidelity and us on this site with your marriage. You've got no experience...stop doing it your way. I understand...but implore you to reconsider. Marriage Builders is not a tool for you to use to supplement your plan...it is THE tool and THE plan.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

p.s.-gotta go...seeing Jeff Foxworthy live tonight