My WW and I just can not get along. She continues to lie. She is always talking to him. He is now calling when I'm here and she cuts it off when I come near here and tries to deflect it. She was having a long conversation when she came home and hungup before she came in. I confronted her and she grabbed her cellphone and became angry. I tried to get her to read 'Surviving an Affair and she refused. She is very angry right now and says I'm controlling and pressuring and pushing her. She wants her space and her peace. She say her relationship has nothing to do with our problems. I can't take it. I want to drive t his house and tell him to leave us alone. What can I do? I am soo angry. I think I am just going to give up.

Have you done everything you can to bust up the affair? Have you exposed the affair? Is the OM married? Who is he?

I would also draw a line here that she not conduct her affair from your home. That is outrageously disrespectful and shouldn't be tolerated. Can you cancel her cell phone?

I read that this is a professor and that you plan on exposing him at school. I would make sure you also expose it, in writing, to the human resources department and ask them what they intend on doing about it. If they won't do something about it, threaten to send a letter to the rest of the faculty.

Other good exposure targets are your W's parents, your family, close friends, etc.

And if you are paying for the cell phone frm which she conducts her affair, cancel it. You shouldn't be funding her affair.

She got her own cell phone because she knew I would check the phone records. I am trying to bust up the A. I have a meeting with his boss this week. He is not married and her professor at the University. I can try to tell her to not have contact here, but she will say she can do what she wants and that she is not having an A. I am strong sometimes, but today I just can't take it anymore.

Everyody that knows her has been brainwashed by her and I see no hope there. I think it is a dead cause.

Have you exposed this to her family? Does she have a job? Where does the cell phone bill go? Can you go online and look up the bill?

Can you find out who is parents are and expose to them?

I would explain to her that its very disrespectful to you and the baby for her to carry on her affair from your home and tell her to call the OM from somewhere else.

Then you can unbrainwash them by giving them the facts. Call her mother and tell her the truth. Don't just lay down and die, my friend. You have work to do!

The problem is her family is in another country and speak spanish and I don't. He is from a country close to my WW and I do not have access to her cell phone. She does not use the computer at home, so I can't use that as a tool anymore.

Should I talk to him? Does sitting back and waiting have any benefits? How do I talk to her about contributing to the family. The only one she wants anything to do with is our 7 year old daughter. She even ignores our 20 month old son. I am just exhausted and brain dead.

You are going to expose the professor where he teaches, right?

Yes, absolutely, it is the only thing I am sure of.

Okay, once that is done, the affair will likely end.

How are you doing emotionally? You might want to check with your doctor for some anti-D's. Your children only have one sane parent right now.

I am so up and down...I just don't know how to interact with her.

That's normal. This stuff is miserable to go through. I went around like a zombie for months. Surprised I didn't lose my job.

But I promise you, it does get better.

jjblue

Stick to one thread. It makes it easier to help you since we have your whole story in one place.

I’m going to say one thing now that sounds cold and mean but... in your situation a cool head and cold reasoning is required. Your wife is having an affair. It has happened. Whether she talks or meets or has sex (if it is physical) one more time or ten more times is irrelevant. The act of “affair” or “infidelity” has taken place. It’s a bit like they don’t execute you twice for a double murder.
What you have to do is think-plan-implement.
You have two major tasks ahead and they both require work. Number one is information gathering. In affairs info is power. There are two “groups” of info you need right now.
The first is the extent of her affair. If she denies and he denies in front of his boss then what? What proof do you have? (Mind you – despite denying this exposure will very likely kill the affair). Go today and get a voice activated recorder (digital) and place it in her car. A good spot is under her seat or better yet in the pocket behind the driver’s seat. Buy a bunch of batteries. Now you will hear their phone conversations and get a better grasp of the affair. Mind you – what you hear will hurt.

This proof will not be admissible in court but if you catch anything by all means let his boss hear it.

Secondly – do all you can to strengthen your position. Two opposites here: Read up on and implement Plan A which is basically building up love. The other task is reading all you can about your legal status. Prepare for divorce because the chances are she will bring it up after the exposure. At that point it is better to know what proof you need, does adultery affect a divorce in your state and so on.

Finally: I always remember a coach I had. After nearly killing us on cross country runs he would let us know that when we were totally physically finished we still had half our strength left. The same applies to mental strength. God never burdens us with more than we can handle.

jlbblue,

What's the finacial situation?

Who's working? Who has bank accounts? Who pays the bills?

Can you cut her off of joint accounts (you probably can if you are "primary" on them). You may need to play hardball on that front. I eventually had to do that myself. It was shockingly easy to take her off of our joint accounts.

-AD

JLB...

I just want to say that I'm sorry you are in this position but we are glad you found us. There are SO many people here with great advice.

I just want you to know that I am a FWW and there is hope. Just don't give up! Fight for your marriage!!!!

I talked with OM boss today. She told me this was not the first time he had done something like this. She contacted the human resources people to see what to do next. I am almost certain my WW will leave me now, but I think I did the right thing. SHe told me she does not see herself married and thinks a lot about not being married. I tried to check her phone to see what kind of contact she was having, but she cleared everything out. This whole thing just stinks.

Just had a call from the HR people at the University. They want to meet with me. They don't seem very nice and asked me very rudely to keep quiet. They want documentation and all I have are cell phone bills and a video showing she was at his house. My WW has destroyed or hidden all other details. Any ideas on what I can get to take to them?

TALK to an attorney!!!!

Their interest is in covering their butts. They MAY be interested in helping you, but only if helping you is consistent with their goals.

If you go with a weak case, they may decide to try to immunize themselves, so to speak, by giving OM a heads-up so that future evidence is even tougher to get.

Hire a PI if you need to, but it might get their attention if you walk into the meeting WITH an attorney. An attorney should get them to sit up and take you VERY seriously immediately.

I'm guessing that, as sneaky as your WW has become, she's suffering from a certain amount of diminished capacity and thinks she can't really get caught. That pride ALWAYS leaves some door open. Despite the fact she's trying to hide her A, its details ARE knowable.