lol
My wife's honors me by indicating I had sooooooo much confidence last spring. It really wasn't so. I do think I got back up on the horse, so to speak, a little quicker than some but her infidelity shocked my system as well. I was in denial for a short time not willing to believe the obvious clues of what she was doing. I was shocked when I confronted her and she'd deny, deny and deny. I was incredulous when she rewrote our history and I allowed self-doubt to enter my heart. Luckily I found marriage builders (along with some other internet reading) which helped me devolope a plan and take back control of my life. In spite of having a plan...it didn't seem to be working and I eventually just "gave up". But I endured on with my Plan A and after snooping and talking/LISTENING to my wife, I realized that none of it was about me.
"Confidence" can be found in the doing. By "MANing up" to the situation and casting aside your own insecurities you gain control over your life. You realize it is a personal journal just as much as a marital one. Your snooping should reveal just how out of touch with reality your wife is and allow you to KNOW not to believe the fog babble your wife throws at you.
Perhaps you need some confidence building mantra's so here goes:
"No"...it is not my fault - though I may be 50% or more to blame for our marital problems preceding your affair, your choice to have an extramarital relationship despite the myriad of other options available to you to address our difficulties is 100% your responsibility;
"yes"...I am lovable...I know this to be a FACT and nothing you can say or do will convince me otherwise;
"yes"...up till now you always loved me and deep down I know you still do (Although your wife may be questioning your history and picking out each bad moment you were there...trust what your mind tells you is the honest assesment of her feelings back then...many couples have reservations on their wedding day...but it is lunacy to base life decisions on that 5 minutes of doubt you had back then versus the 100's of happy moments that followed it up...you were there to - tell her you refuse to buy into her rewriting of history and reverse babble back happy moments that occurred right around the time she refers to...you can also tell her that no matter what happens you will not allow her negativity to affect your positive memories of your relationship. Tell her she can not convince you otherwise because she's trying to sell you too...to get you to go along with her fantasy.
"yes"...I am a man and as a man I define my own masculinity regardless of your actions;
"yes"...I will make it, no matter what you do or say...I will make it - I prefer to make it with you but that is your choice.
"yes"...I am her soulmate...she's just lost and confused right now...an alien addicted to her drug of choice...as her husband it is my duty and obligation to attempt to save her from ultimate destruction and in so doing I hope to save myself and my family.
"no"...I will not feel inferior to OM...neither now nor in recovery.
Your second question refer to attacking OM. Well, if you know him then you should know where to start. If not, then you need to snoop. Size yourself up against him. Without even knowing the 2 of you I KNOW he can not match up against you. OM's biggest insecurity right now is YOU. Beleive it or not and despite the apparent connection between the two of them...OM still knows that WW may go back you. Make a list of what you have that is so much better than him. Maybe you make or have got more money. It is very typical that OM's make a lot less...If they were working their butts off instead of being Don Juan to your wife there would be no affair. If this is the case, then you could do what I did...I made sure my wife knew she had spent $XXXXX's per year over the last 3 years. $xxxx was an exaggerated number but it was nearly twice what OM was making before child support to his exwife. Then I attacked on the flip side and made sure my wife (and then him through their conversations) knew that in the event of a divorce she'd really not get very much at all. I made sure she knew the very bottom estimate that my lawyer thought we'd likely have to pay. It was not nearly enough to support my wife's anticipated lifestyle and it certainly was not the coin OM anticipated she would be coming to him with. I didn't know it but OM rely's on woman to take care of him. I also gave expensive gifts (despite them making fun of me...which temporarily hurt) and I scheduled a tummy tuck for my wife that she'd always wanted and OM could never afford.
Your situation may differ money wise but there are always a ton of insecurities with these OM's. List them out and attack them covertly, via your wife and overtly with your wife. Cause I am sure my wife didn't like the fact she'd be taking a huge step backwards financially on top of losing her kid and the love and respect of her family.
Finally, this fight is all short term. You do the best plan A you can to set up a good plan b. If it doesn't work you'll have the satisfaction that you did all you could. You'll have peace and integrity in your life and know that she will not find the same. Her choices are not your fault nor resposiblity. Have faith and confidence in the plan and stick your neck out there for your kids, your wife and yourself.
Good luck, Mr. Wondering
to long to proofread..sorry gotta go watch the INDY game
