I posted a few months ago about my situation -- WH leaving for his "first love," his high school girlfriend. Nothing worked: plan A, exposure, the disgust of family and friends, nothing. He filed for D almost immediately. He is being fair and generous on the settlement. He feels bad for hurting me, bad that he won't see his children as much, bad that lives have been shattered, but he's confident that we'll all get over it. He says, patronizingly, "I know you're hurting, but you will heal. It just takes time. You and the children's lives will look different, but they will be fine."

The worst of it is that I found some research that says while typical affair marriages end, the ones to former loves are wildly successful. They loved each other before the spouses came in the picture. They enjoy a blissful connection. The divorce rate is .4%. He says he doesn't regret not marrying her originally because being with me for all these years allowed him to grow and mature into a person who is well-equipped for a successful relationship. Now he's ready to jump into his wonderful new life with the person he has carried a torch for for years.

So, the life lesson I've taken away from this is: if you choose your affair partner correctly, you can live happily ever after and your spouse and children will eventually get some therapy and move on. Cool.

I'd love to see that research. Can you tell us where you saw it? All of the research I've seen says that affair relationships are DOOMED. They cannot be successful because they were born on a lie, and grew by hurting others.

www.lostlovers.com

The professor studies these relationships. She says of the thousands of couples she has followed who "rekindled" their romances and left their marriages, NONE regret it. Most of these couples who contact her are extramarital affairs, classmates who found each other online, etc. THey are all thrilled to have a second chance. She says you can condemn the selfishness and immorality all you want, but empirically speaking, the relationships are successful.

Hoopsie,

Sorry to hear about your current sitch but your WS is giving you a load of crap. But he is paying you to take it, so that's ok? Hm.... wonder what other decisions is he allowed t/d that in?!!?

Let's say he is a mechanic......

[color:"blue"]WS (the mechanic): Ms. Customer, your car needs a new battery..... I can fix it but I would prefer to give you 2 sticks of gum and $5.00 off on your next gas-fill-up. Never mind that the car won't start..... you'll get over it. After all it isn't broke, it's just standing still. [/color]



Ok, now who in their right mind would buy a line like that from their mechanic?!?!?!?

Howz about if this WS is now your doctor?


[color:"blue"]WS (the doctor): Ms. Patient, the test results say you have gall stones which need to be removed immediately. I would love to remove them for you but I need to go and get a pedicure, play golf and get a massage....... I will be back in about 32 hours (gotta take my wife and mistress to dinner separately + some fun time, ya know - WS wink). So I offer to give your insurance a discount of $50.00. Your deductible and out of pocket expenses will be the same but just think of what your insurance company will save! Have a nice day! [/color]


How long would you keep going to a doctor like that?!?!? Then we gotta wonder why. Why do we keep believing the crap handed to us by our own WS'? Hm....

As for those stats, well......where did they come from?!?!?

L.

I agree with B.Please direct us to the statistics that purport this information.It all sounds too unrealistic and I highly doubt it's accurate unless there is a form that all cheaters who marry the OP partners fill out so we can keep track. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />



Do you really believe everything you read? Please.What your WH is spouting is selfish justifications,plain and simple.My WH has said the same.Afterall,if we are all going to be "just fine",they don't have to deal with the extreme pain and destruction they cause so many.It's pathetic.Ignore it.

Even if what was stated was true regarding A marriages,I would NEVER want to be a part of that kind of sickening union.The cheaters can have eachother and good riddance!

O

But it's not a load of crap. Obviously, he's right -- if we divorce, as he is intent on us doing, then eventually I will get over it, move on, find someone else, whatever. I cannot and would not wallow in pain for the next 40 years, and he knows that. If I were doing this to him, I would know that he would eventually get over it. And he would.

And if this research is right, he will have a successful marriage to his first love. Whereas if I remarry, I will have all the problems that typically statisically accompany second marriages.

Oh please. Did you read how she got her "research"? She sent out a questionnaire asking for folks that rekindled a relationship with their lost love and are happy. That is not research.

I could send out a questionnaire today and ask for people who are happy having sex with animals, and I'm sure I would get over 1,000 responses. But that does not mean that it is the norm.

Hoopsie,

From the website and without having the book to review the stats:



O

Her "study" is nonsense. It is based on a survey that was taken from candidates who responded to an ad on AOL and usenet advertising for people who had rekindled their relationships. There was no control group and it is likely that the only people who responded were the ones who DID successfully reunite.


Being a scumbag is her definition of "success?" WOW That is not the definition of "success" for most normal people. That is the definition of moral failure.

I actually sent her an email asking for clarification on that statement. She said that she meant that many of these people do not leave their marriages, so the reunions are "not successful" in that sense. However, when they DO leave the marriage and marry each other, then the divorce rate is very low.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> My guess would have been something like that kind of site or gloryb.com. The 'professor' (and I use that title lghtly) is basing it on her 'thousands' of couples?!?!?! Well, there are thousands of A's going on.... why not?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Think about it, if these R's were so great, then why did they break up?!??! To go and learn life's lesson's at the expense of another person?!?!? So when another life lesson comes up..... is there going t/b an A so their sposue can go learn life's lessons from someone else and then come back and make their M right?!?!?

Pure babble! More like crap. BLECH!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Don't take stock in such babble. I think the 'professor' got her degree from the mothership's WS/OP University. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

But she wouldn't know, because her "research" is non scientific. She didn't have legitimate control groups. Not to mention that her definition of "success" is very different from that of most people.

Hoopsie,
Does this mean since you saw that 'report' and those 'statistics' that you are going to let him go without fighting anymore?

Are you contributing to the demise of your marriage?

I read where you did Plan A including the exposure. Good for you!

Was d-day in November? If so, you are not that far into this.

You know there is a Plan B.

Post what your Plan A was like and let the experts here give you advice. Maybe Plan A needs to be continued with some tweaking.

Maybe you did a great Plan A and it is time for Plan B.

Don't just hand him over to her on a silver platter.

It is not over, yet.

Not to be argumentative, but then where do the statistics on typical affair marriages come from? From surveys, polls, etc. If people are only inclined to respond to a survey if they have a good outcome to report, then researchers would show that typical affair marriages are successful too because only the 3%-25% that succeed would respond.

Hoopsie, agree with moveforward. Your focus is on the wrong thing. Don't hand him over, get to work on Plan B. It ain't over by a long shot.

Glad you are getting a settlement that you are happy with. Your husband has sacrificed his loving wife and children for an old love. He will end up regretting it. He has also sacrificed his honor and self-respect. He just doesn't see it yet.

The true statistics are that they probably WON'T get married. More than 80% don't. Of the ones that do marry the affair partner, only 2 to 3% remain happily married for 5 years. The affair usually implodes on itself. The only thing they both know for sure is that they are stuck with someone who has no honor and betrays those that they love.

The real statistics come from studies of people who have divorced over affairs. They are done by professionals who survey the whole group. The statistics are very bleak for the affairees.

Legitimate research is based on control groups, not on surveys generated by ads on the AOL and Usenet. She had no control over who would respond, so she didn't have a true cross section of folks who were in these affairs.

Even so, Hoopsie, you are focusing on the wrong thing. This all means nothing. You should get to work on YOUR marriage and do what you can to save it. Such as Plan B. This is far from over, so don't throw in the towel because of some "study" done by a flake on the internet.

D-day was in September. He asked for a divorce within *weeks*. He's FILED for divorce already, although the stuff is sitting on his atty's desk waiting to be sent to my atty. He intended to leave the marriage and be with her within weeks of the affair starting. He has been taking trips with her, spending hours on the phone, etc. He has said he is not coming back. Period.

I can't get blood from a stone. He has even said that he realizes that the affair marriage may not work out, that he can't predict the future, etc., but that he wants to try, needs to try, would regret not trying. Unfortunately, we are done, at least for now.

Yes do keep the focus on where it should be hoopsie and not questionable "reports".


From a handful of people who may not even be tellling the truth.When you think about,A's are kept in secrecy most of the time.Most people in A's don't go shouting it from the rooftops.There just isn't an accurate basis for any survey,study or report regarding A's.

O