I did something very stupid a couple of weeks before my wedding, it involved alcohol and some kissing and heavy petting, no intercourse. I'd like to add that it was extremely out of character, for what its worth. I kept it to myself and went ahead and married my fiance, after a two year long distance relationship. six months later and the guilt is still eating me up, my wife has noticed changes in my personality and i have become so low that i'm on ADs. I know how bad this situation is, i dwell on it constantly, but i could really use some advice, i can't be the first to have put myself in this (terrible) position. we are both early thirties, by the way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Do you trust your wife?

yes, i do

Then trust her with the truth.

Doesn't she deserve the truth?

PS

If you asked your wife this question, what do you think her answer would be?

"Honey, do you think I have any problems with alcohol?"

yes, she deserves the truth...i cant lose her though...i suppose im here trying to find other people who have been in the same situation, i need hope.

... so

do you trust her?

She would say that she thinks i drink too often. Its extremely rare for me to drink so much that i lose control though.

Start there ... be humble and admit that alcohol has gotten you in trouble ... when she asks "What do you mean"

tell her

because you trust her

i really appreciate your advice. Its just that i've spoken to a couple of other independent advisers who have told me its best to keep it under wraps and forget about it. i'm really struggling with that approach though. i do trust her. Any idea what will happen if i tell her?

"Any idea what will happen if i tell her? "

She will be hurt and angry ... and she will not trust you for awhile ... which are all natural consequences of your poor choices.

Don't lie if she asks you a particular question.

In other words ... TAKE IT LIKE A MAN

Hold her if she cries ... tell her how ashamed and crappy that memory makes you feel

She may wonder if you still find her attractive or if the other girl was prettier than she is ... say this: "All I feel when I think about her or what I did is pain and revulsion, nothing more. I am so sorry. I know you might not forgive me right away, but I pray you forgive me in your own time."

If you hold this secret, it may come out later on it's own, which is far far worse.

Good luck, and God bless.

PS ... I am a 56 year old woman .... and we are 10 years recovered after my H's 2 year affair ... hang in there kid! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

First and foremost, FIRE your independent advisers. Anyone who is encouraging you to be deceitful and less than honest is not looking out for you, your wife, or your marriage. Take away honesty from your marriage and what are you left with? Not much of a marriage and you can see that 1st hand, that is what is eating at you day in and day out.

So you sought out these boards and were greated by a PRO, PEP is wise and has offered wise advise. Each day that passes with you holding this secret is hurting you and hurting your marriage. It is driving a wedge between you two. Your wife knows something is wrong, heck, she's probably blaming herself for you having to take AD's just to live with her. Humility and honesty will not only free you, but it will open up the path to recovery.....

Why do you keep saying that? It's annoying me actually because you are equating trust with acceptance of (very possibly) cheating.

I would hope that my wife trusts me. But would I remain married to her if she cheated on me? No. Trust and forgiving/accepting cheating have very little to do with each other if you ask me.

Another strike in my book. You are encouraging him to use alcohol as his excuse. Alcohol lessons your inhibitions. But I've been pretty darn smashed drunk in my life and there hasn't once been a "I blacked out and the next thing I knew my pants were around my ancles and I was having sex with a girl I didn't know".

He cheated. He needs to own that and take full responsibility for that. Alcohol can help explain why he'd do such a dumb thing but he shouldn't blame it directly on the alcohol or a drinking problem.

Jim

thanks for your input and critique of my posting

we disagree <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

and that is fine

Thanks all for your advice, its been a big help. I guess my advisor thinks its in my wifes best interests not to tell, and that i wont feel any better for confessing anyway. i will always be ashamed of my behaviour. Alcohol isnt an excuse, but at the same time it wouldn't have happened had i been sober. i havent told my wife about the ADs either. i hope the truth leads to recovery.

Will I feel better for confessing to my wife? A selfish question, I know...any confessors out there who could answer this for me?

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sorry abt the last posts, i've had all the help i deserve from MB...appreciate it very much, thanks alot Pepper, i have been reading your other posts and can see you give good advice.

Well, i gave my wife the truth she deserved and took it like a man. This was one week ago. Its been pretty tough, she says that i have killed our love. It looked like we would get over it at first, but last night it was terrible, and she is talking about how to separate. I know she wants us to be together, but at the moment she feels that this is impossible. I couldn't be more sorry for what i have done and i'm trying to help her in every way I can, accepting punishment, being there for her, talking to her...i asked her if we could get some counselling but she doesn't want to...can we still build a good marriage? if so how? What do I need to do!? Huge thanks in advance to anyone who cares to give advice.

Hi there. Yes, it is still possible to build a good marriage. Right now, you are bearing the brunt of her initial hurt and anger...which is very normal.

Don't push her too much right now. Let her know that you realize that trust is earned, and that right now you know you do not deserve her trust...but that you hope she will give you a chance to spend the rest of your life proving it to her. But, don't push her for an answer right now.

Good luck!

Kathi