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I'm posting this to make sure I have thought through everything and including some of the input from my thread the other day. This is an e-mail to Bob, who has agreed to be the new go-between.
Bob -
I appreciate your call yesterday. For the time being, as I have not heard back from BIL, I'd like to go ahead with you as the go-between. I know you are WH's best friend and you want the best for him. I am glad you are able to provide him with some support and guidance.
We need to set up a strict schedule for DS so that you are not bothered with that on a weekly basis. There might be the occasional schedule modification but other than that you shouldn't have to be too involved as a go-between. I gave WH a note instructing him to call you since I do not know his work schedule. The list below covers anything that I might need to know from you:
1 - DS's schedule or info about DS
2 - And that WH has a NC letter that he would like for me to read over and he is ready to willingly work on our M.
I will not entertain discussions about refinancing the house. I do not listen to his voice mails so that I can protect my Love Bank.
I have been thinking about our conversation from yesterday. Right now, WH is not behaving like my Husband. When I think about Love Banks, I look at that in terms of two people who are in a marriage that does not involve a third person. We can fill each other's Love Banks back up when we are on the road to recovery. I think that hiding the Affair helps to enable it - what consequences do WH and OW face if they continue seeing each other in their little secret fantasy world? Dr. Harley is a strong advocate of exposure.
The real problem, as we discussed yesterday, is WH's Affair.
I don't want you to get in the middle of this to function as a constant "counselor" for WH & I. He knows what he needs to do and I am firm with that.
If this ever gets to be too much for you, please let me know.
Thanks!
Kim
Modified "this" to "exposure"!
Last edited by kimberly234; 01/15/06 05:15 PM.
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Dr. Harley is a strong advocate of this. In the context of your note, that statement sounds unclear-it could mean Dr. Harley is a strong advocate of "seeing each other in their little secret fantasy world". I know you don't mean that, and anyone who knows about Dr. Harley knows you couldn't mean that, but just to be clear, I'd say, Dr. Harley is a strong advocate of exposure instead.
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El -
Yeah, I see now re-reading my post that it is unclear! Thanks, I will go and make that modification right now as I am just going to copy & paste this into an e-mail later on.
You made some great points in my thread the other day -
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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bumping this for any other feedback - I'm going to be sending over via e-mail shortly.
Gave WH the Plan B letter again today w/"special" note....He called me twice this morning, so hopefully that will put a stop to the calls & voice mails.
KIm
Last edited by kimberly234; 01/15/06 08:48 PM.
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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E-mail sent! Hopefully I can settle back down into the peacefulness of Plan B!!
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Sorry I didn't get you feedback before - I think you've laid out some good boundaries, along with using material he's already familiar with.
Let's keep bumping the legit threads and helping legit people so that the trolls can be buried. I wish people would click the "ignore" button, but I guess we all have to stare at a trainwreck now and then...
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Does he already know what a Love Bank is? If not, it sounds a little flaky. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Me - BS
DDay 1 (Multiple affairs while overseas) - Feb 2003
DDay 2 (AdultFriendFinder Profile) - April 2007
Seeing a counselor. I think we have him stumped.
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I agree KaylaAndy - I've posted twice on Ashley's thread. she doesn't deserve anymore time here ---
Thanks - for your feedback!
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Does he already know what a Love Bank is? If not, it sounds a little flaky. Yep, thanks - He's familiar with Dr. Harley's book "His Needs, Her Needs." He brought up to me the LoveBank concept in our conversation yesterday. Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Good job, Kim! Watch your back, I don't feel easy about this guy.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I will - Bob has known us both since before WH & I got married.......
But he is WH's best friend. And his wife had an Affair. They are now divorced....Geez. Another friend whose spouse had an A and are now divorced. I am surrounded by them.
I will be looking out for tricks & Manipulation!
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Keep us completely posted about your communications, ok? I love ya, Kim, but your bullshi* meter is not as highly developed as some! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Good luck w/ the new intermediary.
aka-confused42
BS-45 me
WH-42
DS-14 & DD-12
together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs
"I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04
D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06
5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06
Recovery finally began Jan 2007
We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
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