Due to popular request (my mommy asked me to), I am publishing a short(ish) account of my experiences with an evil child molester (ECM) in the hopes that it may be helpful to someone.

I had my encounter with "my" ECM on the church camping trip this past Oct. He is the brother of one of the church members, and while I had met him several times previously, this was the first time there had been a problem.
See, my beloved Valkyrie has been molested already, therefore she has the dubious priviledge of being a molester magnet. And on the trip, she was targeted by this ECM for further fun and games.

In all honesty, since I had already met this man and had no problems with him...no "funny vibes", I wasn't that worried about him, even though I had recently found out that the ECM's father was a molester (sometimes it is passed on by example). A big thank-you to Neak, who at the very beginning of the weekend reminded me that I really couldn't relax my guard.
Once she got me going, I was on the alert for the rest of the weekend. I had studied a little into the grooming behavior of ECMs, so I knew some of the red flags to watch for. Let me tell you, he was red flagging all over the place.

The first thing he did was when the daughter of the family came running up with my daughter and breathlessly asked if my little Val could ride with her. (Thanks again, Neak) I was not going to let her ride in the same car with this man so I smiled and said "No, not this time." He was standing right there and tried to get me to change my mind. "Aw, come on. Let her go." Said in a charming and wheedling voice. My hackles went higher than Mr. Finley's; I may even have bared my teeth...well, it might have been a social smile, as I refused yet again. One more time he pushed a little before he dropped it.

Red Flag #1: Did not accept the bounderies that I set. Tried to get around them to get what he wanted. Note: If someone refuses to accept your clearly stated bouderies, he is trying to gain control. DO NOT back down. This says you are easy to manipulate and will let him do whatever he wants. They will be pushy; might even walk right past you and do what you just asked them not to. Don't let them get away with it.

Later I saw him giving brownies to Val over in the other campsight. (Keep in mind that the set up was such that we were all right next to each other. We spent the weekend trying to keep her away, but it was easy for her to slip off.)The other mom told him they were for lunch and to stay out, but he went right ahead and gave her some, ignoring bounderies again.

Red Flag #2: Singled child out for little gifts and/or personal favors.

At the beach, Neak was standing to the back of the group while the kids all played in the waves, and she told me later that his eyes were almost always on my daughter. She specifically watched to see if he was just looking at all the kids, but no, it was almost exclusively Val. Val had on some sadly too tight jeans (it was a low laundry week, OK) and made a provocative little picture gadding about through the waves.

Red Flag #3: Payed focused attention to one particular child.

At the campfire later he did a number of things such as putting his arms around her "to warm you up", rubbing her arms, tickling her, and removing her shoes to massage her feet, again to "warm" her. Keep in mind that we were guarding her and every time she slipped back by him, anyone from my family would call her away or send her or something to get her out of there. And he just kept getting her back, over and over.

Red Flag #4: (This is a biggie!) Began a lot of physical contact such as tickling, hugging, rubbing, etc. to slowly condition the child to being touched. This is almost always done in presence of others, especially the parents, so the child thinks that this is OK with everybody, even Mom and Dad. Will escalate quickly if allowed to continue.

Red Flag #5: You'll have to trust me on this one, because you have never met the man, but there was a slightly used-car-salesman demeanor that was meant to charm and disarm the adults. The adults are just as important for the ECM to focus on as the child, and the "good" ECM will not make a move until he knows that he has both child (who now will never tell) and adult (who now will never believe) in the bag.

You also may notice in the telling of this story that my daughter seemed to gravitate to this man. You'd think that she would stay away, but no, once a child is molested they almost instantly fall back into the old reactions when faced with an ECM. So, it becomes even harder and even more important for the parent to be watchful and protect a child who is no longer capable of protecting herself.

I am sure that Neaky will have more things to add that happened on our trip. Her memory for this kind of thing is extremely broad. However, the moral of the story is that since that trip, in talking to that family and others, I have found my suspicions to be more than justified. What he did on that weekend was not criminal (I could not have reported him), but it was enough to worry me and make me determined to never let my daughter around him.

Now I have found out that he has been asked to leave several churches because he "touched little girls" and that on at least one occasion had his niece spend the night in his bed. See, another man came over, so he had her sleep with him to protect her. Of course nothing happened. She slept on one side and he on the other.

After the trip I was afraid that he might start coming to church or trying to get to Val some way...he was that fixated on her. But, ECMs go for the children that are easy access, and she was not. Thanks to all of the family, who kept spiriting her away, he saw that she was not going to be easy, and he went elsewhere to find a new victim.

Hopefully this can be helpful to somebody or everybody. I am a firm believer that we all have to help watch out for everyone's children. ECMs can be found anywhere, and knowing what to look for as they start circling their prey, and not being afraid to speak up when you see it can make a life or death difference for an innocent little baby.

Neaksis,

As the mother of a very outgoing six year old little girl, I say thank you for that post from the bottom of my heart...

I will say a prayer for your little girl and your whole family...

Blessings,

Mrs. W

" I am a firm believer that we all have to help watch out for everyone's children. ECMs can be found anywhere, and knowing what to look for as they start circling their prey, and not being afraid to speak up when you see it can make a life or death difference for an innocent little baby. "

Lawsuit or not I would out this piece of garbage for what he is.
Were that my child, he would never walk again, provided I did not kill him!
Yes your child may be safe but others are not!
I am going to Vegas next week. Send him there and I will make sure he keeps some of the other scum company in the desert!

Your own thread!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Competition. (Meaning, I'd better get busy on my own thread soon before I become yethterday'th duckieth.)

I'm sure I'll think of more, but one thing I'd like to add is that we only SAW a small amount of the above described touching. Though it happened in front of everyone, we had to blink every once in a while. It had to have been fleeting; there were 5 of us watching her like a hawk.

But even as careful as we were, some things like the foot rubbing we did not find out about until she told Neaksis. So another big moral here is, It is not possible to watch well enough. Avoid red-flag people entirely.

I'm sure as Neaksis has time, she will add some of the sneaky ways molestors can carry on right in the presence of the parents. But it is just so important to remember that, even though red-flag behavior does not (quite) automatically mean child molestor, you cannot afford to take the chance.

And do you really want your children learning to feel comfortable around a possible molestor? What if they run into them at a friend's house, or anywhere you aren't there? Do you want the P(ossible)ECM to be an old buddy, someone your children pounce upon in joyful recognition?

Ok, the other lesson is it doesn't matter if they are family, do it anyway. We are still hoping the family of the PECM, okay, he can qualify as an ECM, will realize the drastic steps they need to take to protect their children. NC FOR LIFE!!!!!

That is the very minimum, if the police do not prove helpful. And Vegas sounds tempting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Neaksis - My boys were targeted by a ECM when they were about 4 and 7. And I was WITH them. We used to go down to the creek to feed raccoons in the evening. There was a neighbor who always came down when he saw us.

He was very nice all of the time. But he made a comment a couple of times that he would never have kids in his house without their parents permission. This struck me as odd because it came out of the blue.

Then one day another neighbor warned me that she had known his ex-wife, and that he went to jail for something involving kids. After that we stayed away from him.

Later that year, he was arrested for molesting multiple children. He got a long sentence as it was his third offense.

I went back and thanked that woman for taking the time to warn me.

BTW, nice title. Very catchy.

How long did it take you to think of it?

I've only got a few minutes before my break is over, but will at least start this, and then come back to it later today when I can. God knows I didn't encourage Neaksis to tell about her adopted children because I think the Neak family has had insufficient attention paid, by the posters and lurkers of this board, to our personal warts!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> However, if we've learned anything at all from the sad history of her 3 children, whose biological parents we knew before any of the children were born, is that you absolutely cannot be too careful or too vigilant in protecting kids from the dangers of predators. Two-parent families are at risk, as my husband and I well know. But single-parent families have a heightened risk, and not everybody who tries to rebuild their marriages here is going to succeed. And in this struggle, whether to success or failure, a certain amount of adult distraction is going to occur. Child molesters focus on situations like these with dedicated intensity, seeing targets of opportunity where parenting is done alone, and/or where the parent's attention is divided among multiple troubles.

Here's a picture of Neaksis and her kids on the day they were adopted. We can look at it, and say, "What a sweet family." A child molester looks, and says, "Hm-m. What a young-looking female sitting next to that absolutely delicious little girl. Dare I hope Mama as dumb as she is youthful?" And so, as is so often typical, the ECM in question first focused his "romantic" attention on Neaksis a couple of years or so ago. When that didn't strike any answering spark, he quit his pursuit, and eventually went to a Central American country and got married. (His wife is still there.) After a suitable break, he began showing up again, but this time his interest was in Val. He didn't realize that every adult in the family was watching him, nor what has happened to us in the last few years that led us to this hypervigilant state. 5 years ago, we would've been more-easily fooled, too. And I am hoping that Neaksis' story, as it unfolds, and the answers to any questions you have that she might be able to give you, can spare somebody somewhere the life-altering destruction that has occured to 6 small human beings in our family because of the selfishness and absolute disregard of parental responsibility that was shown by Neaksis' kids Biomom and Biodad. Feel free to ask her questions. Protecting kids is a crusade with this family...we've been through the fire on this one, and don't want it to happen to anyone else if we can help it.



She might as well paint a bullseye on her forehead, and call herself "Target"

t&l

Wow!

I think my XW would have carved him in little pieces by now.

This pig must be stopped! Is there anything that can be done?

Perhaps just filing a police report... and over time, an accumulation ... a pattern... might be a good thing to have on his record. Can you find these "several" other churches taht he was asked to leave and get reports on each of those incidents? I know, so little time, life overflowing with stuff to do, but... this guy must be stopped!

=AD

Usually I don’t like to talk about this subject as I was involved heavily in the area as a investigator and to be honest got a bad case very wrong, admittedly not by myself, all the ‘experts’ from child psychology to Police investigators did too … but she was one of my kids. I was uneasy and went with the ‘experts’ anyway. Ok the courts would have ordered her to go back BUT I didn’t fight it.

We like to think that only a monster would sexually assault a child, but the reality is that while their behaviour may be monstrous, child molesters when not offending, are generally no different to any other person in our communities.
Just like you or me. You must understand that.

They come from all walks of life, and in fact their public behaviour towards children, whether it be in a professional role, as part of voluntary community service or in a family setting, is sometimes seen as being admirable or highly respected.
Although there is no universal profile of a child molester, child molesters are generally people who are capable of masking their true intentions when they ingratiate themselves to parents, fool their friends and workmates and other adults and entice unsuspecting children.
What Neaksis describes is accurate and all too often successful.

Below are some 'facts' about the behaviour of child molesters:

•Overwhelmingly, ‘reported’ child molesters are male. Where females, it was until recently, believed that most often they were often coerced by, or acted in concert with, a male offender. More in-depth studies are beginning to show there is little difference between men & women … example Female teachers seducing 15 yr old boys etc. ..most men laugh and say “If I had been so lucky” right away discounting the negative affects.
• Child molesters present with a variety of personality styles similar to anyone else in the community.
• It should be remembered that children are most at risk from offenders in positions of authority over them at home, school, or in hobby and activity groups). Members of a child's immediate and extended family, neighbours, friends and others known to the family carry out the majority of sexual offences. Over 80% of sexual offences against children occur in their own or the offender's home.
• Sexual abuse that occurs between close family members is often termed 'incest'. When incest occurs in a family, often more than one child is abused.
• It should be recognised that child molesters who offend against family members sometimes also offend against children outside the family.
• Child molesters are typically classed as either 'preferential' or 'non-preferential' child molesters.
• A small percentage or child molesters (preferential child molesters) will have an exclusive sexual preference for children rather than adults. These offenders are popularly referred to as paedophiles.
• Preferential child molesters offend against far greater numbers of victims than non-preferential child molesters.
• Non-preferential molesters often maintain a sexual relationship with an adult partner, but if the environment and opportunity exists to live out their fantasies of molesting children, then they will do so. Non-preferential offenders make up the larger proportion of all child molesters, but typically assault or molest fewer children
• Same-sex child molesters account for the majority of organised child molester groups and networks, although it should be noted that molesters often consider themselves to be heterosexual, not homosexual. In general however, significant numbers of child molesters offend against both boys and girls.
• A crucial element in child molester behaviour is sexual fantasy involving pre-pubescent to early adolescent children.
• Some child molesters spend much of their waking hours fantasising, researching and formulating means of gaining access to and seducing children.
• Fantasies are developed and some offending may occur during early adolescence.
• Child molesters have a heightened ability to communicate with and identify vulnerable children.
• The seduction or "grooming" processes used by child molesters are little different to those used by the adult community when trying to attract a romantic partner.
• There is a strong connection between viewing/using child pornography, sexual fantasies and offending, by child molesters. The role this material plays with child molesters varies.

Now remember, this is a guide, just because someone may be affectionate with a child it does not mean they are molesters.
However, as I was advised, be suspicious of ALL, keep watch, act carefully as neaksis has stated and let them PROVE they are safe for your kids to be with.
Yes you take risks with your kids, of course you do unless you are their shadows all day long and much as we may like to be, that’s not realistic.
BUT TAKE CALCULATED RISKS.

Mr. Finley is Neaksis' English Springer Spaniel, who, when his hackles rise, can look like a smallish, black-and-white bear. Actually, the whole bear metaphor is probably pretty accurate, when you come right down to it.

t&l

Yes, he must. And my girls aren't finished with him yet. Neak, AJ, and I are all mandatory reporters, but since he was in the "courting" phase with Val, any charges that could be made right now would be a bit nebulous.

However, the purpose of telling this is less to focus attention on "our" ECM, and what needs to be done to him, and more on making other parents aware of what you need to be watching for in your own area, with your own children...because you have them there, too, and you can't tell just by looking at superficial social behavior, or financial/community status, who they might be!

t&l

P.S. Hi, AD!

Also I didn't realize how MANY ECM's there are. They have the new Megan's law register on line in the US and here one can check the sheriff's dept. home page, and see the pictures and names of the nearby ECM's. There are scores in my city, and 2 within 2 blocks of my home.

AW, did you make the mistake about an innocent man or a guilty one?

You are right that this is a guide; not everyone who raises red flags is an ECM. But the nice thing is, that as a parent (not as police or social services), you don't have to have a legal reason for not liking someone. You might just think they are squirrley. And then you can keep your kids away from them.

I always tell people that you look for a cluster of red flags. Just about everyone in my church, including myself, matches one or two grooming behaviors. That just means that as a parent I watch a little more closely for a while until I decide it's OK. But if someone is lighting up the board, he probably is a child molester. At the very least, he is a risk. Thankfully, I don't have to prove my case before a judge to decide that someone is unsafe for my kids to know.

Of course in the case of husbands it is a lot harder. Well, I certainly don't have to worry about that for a while!

neaksis, the man was guilty as sin and I felt something was wrong, but he was a respected elder in the community and represented his people nationally and in the state.

The 13 yr old girl killed herself.

THEN they did a proper investigation and & 20 girls & women - all relatives - gave evidence. 11 year old to 35 yr olds.

Sentenced to life imprisonment in December. I would have had him tied up and given to the women & mothers all with blunt knives. But I'm not able to be 'equitable' in the matter apparently.

Royal Commission was held to see how it went all wrong. MONEY & RESOURCES AGAIN. But why didn't I act? God knows

It's one of the reasons why I can't work there again. The other is the A of course.

What people have to realize is that just a fraction of cases are ever prosecuted successfully. Lots of studies show an average of up to and over 100 successful offenses before the first conviction.

It is VERY hard to get a conviction in a sexual abuse case. Most people accused are never even arrested; of those that are, most walk free.

My daughter's molester was a speed-addicted person-of-a-lower-social-strata on probation for something and he never even got picked up for questioning. Of course, to be fair, my kids never talked to anyone but me about what happened.

I know that if this man is still free, he has found another speed-addicted mother with a sweet little girl. He will supply the mom with the drug to keep her happy and then, while the mother sleeps in a drug induced haze, he will his way with her daughter.

This is partly why I have felt such exultation over preventing the other man from getting to my daughter. I finally got to make a difference for someone.

Wow AW. That is awful. So sorry that this happened.

But what is wrong with people who don't tell? I understand the children, but what is wrong with the adults?

I went to court against my step-kids bio mom. She had a 3 year old who was being sexually abused by her druggie friend. We knew her older girls had also been abused. But my WH and step-kids are still angry with me about that one. They agree that "something" needed to be done, but thought that was not the right thing.

The child is safe with his bio-dad now. So it was worth all the problems in the end.

When I was a child, I twice had perverts try to pick me up in their cars. One guy asked me to get in the car to give him directions. Another time, I was on holiday with my gran. I was walking alone in the evening by the beach and a man offered me a ride home. When I refused to get in the car he started to follow and I remember running so fast to get away (it was all uphill). When I think of the distance I covered to get to safety I should have got an Olympic medal. Adrenaline took over. Makes me shudder to think what might have happened. I never told my parents/gran about either incident which is strange because they would have believed me. I think I was ashamed.

I'm glad you were there to protect your daughter. YUK YUK YUK. It's a parent's worst nightmare.

neaksis
important point you raise re the male parents.

Now Aussie is one of those men kids gravitate to. If we go to the beach kids just seem to gather around us to sit & joke & swim with us .... Any little ones from 5 to teenagers ..he just 'gets' them in some way & they respond. Especially single parent kids with no dads.
We have 2 or 3 neighbour kids who treat him as their almost dad and yes, red flags all over from the surface look.

BUT, he'd kill anyone who'd touch a child if he got his hands on them.

So its not always easy, but better to be safe.

B

its got something to do with the 'victim' thought process, of shame, that it was 'their' fault, that they 'asked' for it.

It took a lot of specialised work to get them to give evidence.

BUT, I would bet the big thing about Aussie is that he does not single any one child out for favors, but pays attention to them all, and I strongly doubt he would try to wheedle his way around the parents if they said no about something.

It's the same with some of the men at our church. The children love them, the men like to roughhouse a bit, even tickling and such, but not to excess, they pay attention to all the children equally, and are respectful of the parents.

We tried to imagine any of them doing the many touchy things this ECM crammed into one action-packed weekend, and it was ludicrous - even though they know small Valkyrie far better - have known her for years.