I don't know what I thought our vacation would bring. Perhaps I thought he would somehow change his mind about our marriage and the job he is looking at. Our week was pretty good. We took our son back to Wilmington where he goes to school. He had come home for a week due to Hurricane Floyd. We stayed at the beach. We ate at very nice restaurants and had a nice time together. We slept in the same bed and were intimate twice. He went for job interview and it went well.<P>Twice, though, he blew up at me for no reason. One morning I asked if we were going downtown that day and he gave me that "look" I hate like I'm soooo stupid and said "I DON'T KNOW.... CHILL OUT". Thinking back, both times he did this were on days he didn't get up and go running. He also did not get antidepressant meds filled yet. I think running helps with the depression and moodiness.<P>We close on our house on thursday. I went there last night and got curtains and what food was in the pantry. He's moving in with his mother until he makes final determination about the job. If he doesn't relocate, he'll have lots of time to find a place. <P>He still calls and wants to come over/go out to eat once or twice a week. When he finally went and told his mother I had left (a month after the fact and only because he needed a place to go) she said he cried two separate times and told her he basically didn't know what he wanted out of life. She said he never said anything "against" me.<P>I don't know what to think. While the time we spent together at the beach was basically good, I found myself walking on those eggshells that I hate having to walk on. I've told him several times I wish he could talk to me like he would a co-worker or friend instead of talking down to me at times. He says I'm too sensitive. I may be, but that has been something that has hurt and eaten at me for over twenty years and I won't tolerate being treated that way any longer. Last night he rode with me to my apartment and carried the stuff up for me. He told me to stop so he could buy me a tank of gas. <P>As we drove away from the house, I knew it would be the last time I would be there. I've always heard it was bad luck to turn and look back, so I didn't. The last big hurdle for me right now will be getting through the closing on Thursday. We worked so hard and long on that house... When I took down the curtains, I noticed they hadn't even been up long enough to get dusty. How sad.<P>He hasn't followed through with the promise for therapy. Now the job six hours away looms. Perhaps this will be for the best. He can see for himself by himself what this "new life" will be like. <P>I know in my heart I've done all I can do to this point. I know I've got to start living MY life. Perhaps at some point in the future he will realize what he's lost. If or when that happens, I hope I can be there for him. In the meantime, I am planning a trip for a cruise up the Mississippi on a riverboat with my family (my uncle is the Mark Twain performer for the cruise). We leave New Orleans and end up in Memphis. I'm looking forward to it. My daughter is planning on going as well. I'm going to take advantage of our local symphony and ballet company for this season. I never felt like I could justify the time before and he never really wanted to go with me. I'm getting my head back into work and quite frankly, I enjoy being able to eat a bowl of cereal for dinner at 10:30-11:00 at night. I'm also taking a floral design class which I love. Also continuing to work out and take care of me. It's when I'm not busy my heart aches so badly. It's the middle of the night when I wake up and want to cuddle and there's no one there. In spite of it all, I'll be okay.<P>Thanks for listening.<BR>
