Good news about the PO, and I hope he goes for a total ban.

You have your MIL pegged. Sadly, her attitude is not uncommon. I hope that, God forbid, I were in her situation ever, that I would not be so willingly blind.

Lady C, all I can say is <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Can a woman forget her nursing child? And the answer is, yes.

An update for those of you following my sitch:

MIL has agreed to not allow BIL access to the farm. She has written a letter to BIL (still in prison) informing him that he is not to come out to the farm / adjacent parcels after his release.

I suspect that this 180 degree change in stance has something to do with a call that BIL’s future parole officer made to MIL between XMAS and New Year’s. My guess is that the P.O. explained the very real danger that BIL represents to my children. He may have decided to outright ban BIL from the farm. This is only conjecture because I was not privy to the conversation; but I do know that the call was made before her change in stance.

MIL has also addressed our concerns about the division of property after her passing. She has agreed to sell the parcels of land that she intended to pass on the BIL. She intends to use those funds to help support BIL when he is released from prison.

Yay, mostly!

All the important stuff sounds like it's in line.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />support BIL<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

WTF, now you need to work out what you will do if, and when BIL comes out in violation of the rules. Have your plan worked our and written down.

I still worry - rational rules only work with rational people. He has already shown he won't keep the rules. Perhaps he has learned, and I hope so, but know what you will do if he comes around.

SS

^ for Lamby.

As long as I've bumped this for Lamby, I might as well put in a quick update.

Neaksis' oldest adoptee (at 13) is now in a residential treatment program for troubled youths, after his levels of violent acting out reached a point where he was even scaring himself about what he might do in one of his rages. His sister is starting to respond to the therapeutic techniques of Nancy Thomas, as Neaksis has learned them from her books and AV material.

Those who have been molested, or who have children who have been molested, need to learn about attachment disorder--a common response to molestation--and know the symptoms. If you have molested children, you can recognize them if they appear. One of the nurses here at work just read the book about RAD that I loaned her, and she said it explained a lot about herself that she'd never really understood before. Attachment disorder does not respond to conventional therapy or disciplinary techniques, and much of what we've done over the past few years with these children has not only been useless, but even harmful. Since starting to use these techniques, Neaksis has seen a change in her adopted daughter, so marked as to seem almost miraculous...but until she discovered these techniques she lived a life of daily hellonearth. If anyone has questions about attachment disorder, Neaksis would be glad to discuss it with you, with all the fervor of a new convert and true believer. I just wish we'd discovered this years ago, but am still thrilled that at least we've discovered it now!

t&l

Thndrnltng/Neaksis,

I’ve never heard of the term “attachment disorder” before and would like to learn about it. Can you please send information on it (what this disorder is/entails, symptoms etc.) to this thread or give me links where I can read up on it?

Thanks.

Due to the sex abuse scandal, the Catholic Church is now making all volunteers who work with children attend training. The training opened my eyes up to the fact that other parents of children in the school could be molesters.

We sat with a couple whose daughter is friends with my daughter. I had told my daughter not to roughhouse with him at the school, and he had told me it's OK. I had said it's not. For my daughter, why can't she when other girls do as well? This was occuring when the father dropped off his daughter for the start of school. He'd come to the part of the playground where children were allowed (away from cars and busses) and a mass of second grade girls would be jumping on him, and he'd be tickling them, and they had a special name for him. All in fun.

The training that night depicted a very similar scene. I didn't connect the training to this father that night. The next morning, as I was dropping off my children, I saw that same father doing the same thing as had been in the training. The public physical affection that is legal can lead to private physical affection that is abuse, such as when the child goes to a friend's house for a sleepover.

I talked to the principle of the school that morning, and the next morning the father was at the principle's office. He thanked me.

Do I think this father is a predator? I don't know, and I don't care. I think it could all be innocent enough. The problem is that such behavior on his part establishes in public that this is OK, and it can confuse girls about what is or is not OK in private.

As a followup I read two books by the same author:
The Gift of Fear
Protecting the Gift (this is specifically about child abuse)

My daughter talked to me the other day about the playground monitor roughhousing with the kids and said she thought it might not be OK with me. I told her it was OK. I explained that it was his job to play with the kids and that he would never be alone with her. I told her that's why it is different from her friend's father. Her friend is her friend. Her friend's father is not her friend.

She likes the playground monitor and was afraid I'd take her out of that playground. No. The book emphasizes something very simple:

PC

Privacy
Control

You want to look at people who could be with your children in private.

The training at the school was a wake-up call for me, and I've talked with my kids as a result.

I think one of the best things I've done is tell them that they should never keep a secret from a parent. I was concerned about my husband's willingness to abuse the children and even talked to Harley about it. He said that there is no correlation between child abuse and infidelity, but he told me that my husband seems to have little impulse control so that if he had an inclination he wouldn't keep from doing it. Anyway, my daughter did come running to tell me that Dad had told her to keep a secret from her. It turned out Dad was giving the kids whipping cream on a spoon!

Cherished

Don't feel like you don't know something you ought. I've been a nurse for almost 40 yrs. and had never heard of it till a few months ago. I just got off work and need to go to bed but I told Neaksis you had questions and she'll answer when she can get to a computer with internet access. Just as an academic exercise, it would've been interesting to read about. Having years of experience with molested children, with lots of pieces but not the wherewithal to put them together, it was like listening to someone talk as if they'd lifted your window shade and were describing the events in your own home...and suddenly all the confused parts pulled together and made sense!!!

Go for it, Neaksis. Mama is off to sleep. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Very excellent thread but please, please consider removing the picture links. Not everyone may agree with all of the arguments or reasoning in the following link but..... the photographed kids are being publicly identified as abuse victims in this thread. They've been through so much all ready <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

http://urbansemiotic.com/2005/07/13/take-your-children-offline-now/#comments

Thanks thndrnltg, I will wait for Neaksis’s response. I’m interested in learning more about this disorder because I’m a CSA survivor myself. (I don’t have any children yet).

Anyway, I think this is a wonderful thread to help people be more alert and on the lookout for red flags and warning signs.

OK, Suzet--here's a start, since Neaksis seems to be busy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Risk Factors

(1) Maternal ambivalence towards pregnancy
(2) In-utero trauma, drugs, alcohol exposure
(3) Abuse (physical, emotional, sexual)
(4) Neglect
(5) Sudden separation from primary caregiver
(6) Undiagnosed or painful illness, such as colic or ear infections
(7) Inconsistent or inadequate day care
(8) Chronic maternal depression
(9) Several moves and/or placements (foster care, failed adoptions)
(10) Unprepared mothers with poor parenting skills

That's all I have time for right now. A diagnosis of attachment disorder requires at least one of the causes, and more than half of the 20 symptoms we'll have to include later. Also, I'll talk to Neaksis in a few minutes and ask her to post the proper definition of RAD, and a brief explanation if she has time.

t&l

I don't really know how to give a definition. It's really more a cluster of symptems stemming from the fundamental failure to bond and thus to trust. It affects more than you'd think. Like my mom said, there is a list of symptoms (I've seen it from 17 to 22 different ones) They really are the closest thing to a defintion that I have, but I don't have that list with me.

The best I can do right now is to say that all the behaviors stem from the failure to trust. Because they don't trust, they have to control everything in order to assure their survival. This leads to a very unpleasant life for everybody.

I don't know everything, and I do know that there is still some disagreement as to the legitimacy of this disorder (but isn't there always disagreement amongst the experts), but knowing about this and the techniques to deal with it has made a huge difference with my kids. They are much happier, and so am I.

Thndrnltng and Neak,

Thanks very much for the feedback from both of you so far, I appreciate it.

If one of you can get hold of the list of symptoms, I will appreciate if you can post it to me too.

Thanks in advance,
Suzet

Here is Nancy Thomas' website. She is the person whose books and DVDs have given Neaksis so much help.


http://www.attachment.org


In looking for the website address, I ran across other websites more or less scoffing at attachment therapy and the techniques used to correct it. So Neaksis is certainly correct in saying that there is disagreement among the "experts," although if I hadn't just seen the other site I would've been surprised to hear her say that. It's hard for me to argue with the success that Neaksis has achieved with these kids in so short of a time, even though much of what she does is counterintuitive to me. Neak has the book with the definitions. Maybe she can post it. I have the list of symptoms at home but didn't have time to type it yesterday. It will probably be Friday before I have a chance. In the meantime, you might find some interesting material at Nancy's own website.

t&l

Thanks thndrnltng. I will look at the website in the meantime. I’m in no hurry for the list of symptoms (although I’m very interested in reading it), so please take your time! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for your effort and willingness to type it out for me, I appreciate it.

Hi thndrnltng, I just want you know I’ve found the list of RAD symptoms on that website link think you’ve given me, so you don’t need to post them anymore.

Thndrnltng, I’ve read through the list of symptoms and it appears I’ve never developed that specific disorder. I've recognized only a few symptoms that applied to me as a child. Probably this was the case because I’ve always had a strong and healthy bond with my primary caregiver (my mother) and the worst physical and sexual abuse by my father (and another family member) had taken place after the age of 3.

From the website:

However, on some level I have problems being affectionate and trusting to people close to me and I have always felt that I don’t think and feel like a normal person – that something is “wrong” with me. I did develop other disorders as an adult (which I use chronic medication for now) and these are directly linked to the childhood abuse.

But I do think the strong and healthy bond I had with my mother compensated for a lot of things and together with the help of God, it helped me turned out a relatively “balanced” person under the circumstances. And I do think I'm very lucky and blessed in that regard...

^bump^

^Bump^ for PM