If your husband was living with an officer in your husband’s unit, it's called fraternization and it’s a violation for both parties. What kind of command is your husband in anyway? Geeze! I don’t know how the army works but in the USAF, the Inspector General would be the authority to go to with an out-of-channel complaint. You may want to consider that route if WH’s commander doesn’t start something moving real soon.

Agreed!

That's exactly what I wanted to know...how is your WH staying with an Officer?

If I were you the only person I would be talking to is my WH Command. He has been ordered to stay away from the OW. He is not only jeopardizing his family but his career.

FIM has given you some very good advice.

Keep a cool head.

Oh I had this all typed out before and pushed the wrong button. Darn.

Officer called and said he will tell the commander but he feel he will be the one to hurt WH career. I told him " Do you want to hurt for the right reasons or the wrong reasons?" Then it hit me and I started to cry. I reall y am not trying to get my WH in trouble I just want him back and I feel that this has to be done and I know he does not see that and I worry that he may never see it that way. I have friends telling me this but it needed to come from inside me. Officer is not in the unit so I do not think he will get in trouble he says he is not worried about it any way.

WH calls"What are you doing?"
BS"I am asking questions."
WH"Why are you out to get me?"
BS"If that is what you think."
WH"I thought you wanted to work on this marriage but the last few days I see that you don't"
BS"OK"
WH" I have will see you in the morning and you will have that stupid smile your mom always has."
BS"Maybe"
WH"Why don't you just tell everyone about you, me, and OW."
I really didn't have a line for that. He hung up.

Oh the guilt is hard to handle.

Officer has kicked him out of his house. WH is really not happy.

I know it is hard. It was one of the most difficult and scary things I ever did.

But when those feelings of guilt start up remember that HE did those things which he knew were wrong and could hurt his career.

He's lashing out at you and trying to scare you with the "I thought you wanted to work on things" line because it's easier to blame you than to look in the mirror at how little he valued himself and his career.

You blaming yourself or allowing him to blame you actually takes away his opportunity to stand in that mirror, accept th problem and truly deal with it. As long as you are the scapegoat for his choices and consequences he can't grow or learn from them.

Using that as a basis look at the difference in the conversation:

BS: Thinking of you.

BS" Why do you believe I'm out to get you?

BS: I think we have a miscommunication. I do want to work on this marrige but we can't do that as long as you are having an affair. I want nothing more than the chance to actually work on our marriage and to remove any obstacles to that.

BS: I can't wait to see you. What a great way to start the day!


I'd rather be able to tell everyone about you and me with no OW to speak of. Wouldn't you?

Stand strong in the knowledge that what you are doing is right for your marriage and nothing he says will be able to nick your armour.

FIM

I hope it will get that easy to say those sweet things. I have never been very good at my verble skills. I will try harder tommorro when I see him. I belive he will still be in venom mode.

I have a feeling he thinks all his friends our on my side. I don't like that. I don't like sides I want a partnership.
I just hate that love him so much right now.

I know!! I was right where you are a year and a half ago.

It's hard to remember while you're going through this but you want a partnership with your HUSBAND not with WH.

He is going to be full of venom. The very fact that you expect it and understand why gives you the ability to pull yourself back and respond to the husband within the WH.

Those nice things - not for WH!!! They are there for the husband to hear through the fog. Repeat it enough and the man that you love will hear it. Those things - and the fact that you GUILT FREE fight for him even while the venom spews around you - will shine through even if just a little bit.

You are doing a great job!! It's not an easy path to take but I do believe you have a great chance of making it through.

FIM

Mhwag, right now, he NEEDS to feel isolated and friendless. It'll force him to reevaluate his relationship with the OW in the cold, harsh light of day. There aren’t going to be any more warm, fantasies where there are no consequences. Don't feel bad about it. HE put himself in this position, not you. It's what is going to explode this affair wide open and that is a fantastically good thing, no matter how it feels right now.

Don't worry about the friends either. Friendships can be revived later, and you're going to leave this group of friends behind in June anyway.

Hang in there, lady. Keep fighting for your marriage.

Today a new day. I have to see him soon. I this is going to be very hard. I go back and forth in my head with how I hope I will act and hope not to. He is very cold right now and I will try to smile but maybe not so much. I thank everyone for helping me get through this I take each day head on. I do like the fact I will be in IC later on so I am getting more help for myself.

Does anyone have a RB for when my WH says " I thought we were on a break."

He is now just being snappy. I am not smiling as much but just grin instead. I hope this works. I again don't know where he is staying but he has canceled an event the family was going to do that was planned for some time. I will still do it but I have afeeling he might be trying to see her because I won't be around and he nanny I know won't be around. Any thoughts?

WH called and asked if we could talked. I said OK. I will meet him. I don't know what is going to happen and I am scared that he is going to say it is over. HELP!!!

U say very little. Stand your ground, don't let him bully you.

He accuses you of being out to get him, ask him what has he done to feel guilty about.

He says you want to ruin him, tell him to stop babbling..... why would you jeporadize someone who is support his family, then say or are you?!?!?

Learn to swing in then pull out, leaving him w/o the support the WS is attempting to manipulate you into by guilt, verbal abuse, etc.

Know that u r better than all the OWs in the world.

When he says, he never loved you, ask him why did he lie to you and when did it become a lie?

If he says, from the beginning, then say then you'd better go make it right.....don't explain that, tell him he should know what that means.

Then ask him how much is he willing to sell his family for.....throw out some $$ amounts. I started at 10k, 100k, 250k, 500k 1mil....then he said 'priceless', so then I told my WS that 1 mil w/b a bargain. With that I then said 'ok,I'll take 1 mil....now go get it. Sell your family for 1 mil, even if they are priceless'. Stupid OW she didn't have that kind of $$. Go after what he can't give then guilt him into it. All is fair here.

This is reverse babble's crash course. Got it?


L.

There is no "on a break" when you are married. Even if you decide on a trial separation for any reason, you're still married, and an affair is still adultery.

Well that was really hard. I hurt real bad. Not feeling guilty just took this hard. WH says " I thought that we were going to deal with this after I got back from training. I hope you understand that I will be getting less money if I get in trouble." I said " We have had less money before." WH"I don't want to be with you anymore." BS " That's your choice I still care for you." WH "I am going to see that you get sent home" BS "OK"
WH" I know I did wrong but we were on a break" BS " Yes a break. But we are still married. Love, Honor, Cherish. Not go have an affair." WH" you said you weren't hurt by this" BS" I was hurt." You do know I am getting on with my life and OW is never going to leave her H. BS "OK"

He had to come and get more stuff paching out all his stuff. I handed him his tooth brush. He throw it away.

As soon as he left I broke down. I feel really cold and sick. He will come and P/U DD for a couple of hours tommorro. And then when I am gone he will P/U some big furniture.

Do you think I should have one of the night stands cleared out for he can take it?

He also wants to take over the credit cards when he gets back. Just said ok. I am in lost mode right now.

It sounds like you did very well. He said some hurtful things and you refused to be dragged into a fight. I think that's why he threw the toothbrush out-sheer frustration at not being able to provoke you into acting like the real villain.

He has told me as soon as the passports come in he is going to get me sent home. I will be looking into this, from what it looks like he can do that.

He is so mad at me. I know I am repeating it but I am just in AW right now. He is leaving for training and will be gone 3 weeks. I got him a card and gist for good luck so did the DD's. My card is simple and no I Love You or Miss You. He will get it tommorro.

I also need ideas for when he is gone. Got any???

First off, you don't give up the credit cards. It's a controlling technique, designed to bring you to heel and punish you. Why would you accept that punishment...for something HE did? It also gives him the opportunity to spend what he wants on his OW and you'll not be the wiser.

He's cold and angry. That's normal. It happens every single time an affair gets busted up. Read the threads out here on how they went through this phase. The depths are hard to take, the heights in the roller coaster are promising, but the disappointment all the much worse when the WS plunges back into the fog.

I suspect you're overseas on military dependent travel orders. Where are your passports right now? You should have them in your possession. I don't understand. Those are documents you get BEFORE you go O/S, not while you're in the O/S theater. Something fishy there. It may just be fog talk.

Early return orders also have to be requested and approved before he can send you home, btw. In the USAF, the only authority who could approve that was the AF Military Personnel Center which was totally a separate command structure from the normal chain of command. I don’t know how it’s organized in the Army but you could find out by calling the personnel office there. I’m not sure of the approval criteria but if you state your objection to the process, I suspect there will be some notice paid to it.

That applies unless the Permanent Change of Station orders have already been cut. If they have already been printed, you could travel on the PCS orders, but I don’t know how you can be forced to depart the area early. Also, PCS orders would normally authorize travel only to the new duty station. Talk to someone who can act as your advocate in dealing with the commander and base administrative activities. Again, I suggest the post chaplain. That’s what they’re there for.

Hang in there. Hug your kids tight and do something with your friends to take your mind off the problem. The ride is going to be bumpy but it’s nothing others with lesser qualifications haven’t already survived. You can do it too.

We have our passport but they run out in March. WH and I went this morning to get them renewed. As for getting me home I am still looking into it. Have been told that since he is living in barracks, I won't have sponsership anymore. And so I would have to leave. Like I said I am still looking into it. As for the credit card his reason is because they are in his name first. Do you think I should change passwords or something. I do have to deal with this till he gets back. I have just read the WS letter from truheart. I feel that it might help him in the fog. I think when he leaves I will just hand it to him in an envelope and have some note on iit stating something that way I am not forcing it to be an LB. Because he is one of the type of people that says they need to figure it out on there own. What do you think?

Again I ask do you think I should help him move out b getting a bed side table ready?