I just found out that my husband of 13 years had an affair 4 years ago with a woman from work. He told me they spend 5 nights together (2 of which he slept there) over 7 months but there was a lot of talking on the phone (long distance--they saw each other on business trips)and emails back and forth. The kicker is that the affair was 2 months after the birth of our twins (our 3rd and 4th). I think for about a year and half before that things had not been "normal" routine for us. I had a miscarriage 2 months before getting pregnant with the twins and had a semi difficult pregnancy with some bed rest and no sex for months. So I had been either pregnant or greiving or pregnant for quite sometime. Not that any of that excuses his behavior and he also admits it does not.

He says that during our most difficult days with 4 little little kids he felt unimportant and needed reassurance and she was there and he feels ashamed and embarrassed. He said he never stopped loving me and that it was a thrill seeking thing. He has said all the right things and answered way more questions than he has wanted to. I know he is sorry because the past 4 years he has been different. Moody and self destructive. He says it was because I had always told him I would leave him if he cheated. He says he was afraid to be close to me or my family fearing that we would make it difficult for him to see the kids and that they would encourage me to leave him for sure.

After he confessed he changed. I could feel the relaxation in him. His driving even slowed down. He is more patient with the kids with me with everyone. He is happy again. He feels that now he knows I love him unconditionally because I did not make him leave.

I of course am not happy. How could he do this thing with someone he had no feelings for while I was home struggling to hold down a very crazy fort. How could he love me and hurt me so much? We have always been so great together. Even in the most darkness of hours we have laughed and cried together. We have been together since we were kids and grown together and have so much together.

Do I forgive him? He says he will live the rest of his life for me. He says he will be there to help me through this whatever it takes for as long as it takes. He says I am all he ever wanted. Do I rejoice in this and trust him again? Is all this pain just self pity?

Dear HisFool,
Welcome to MB, the best place to be under these circumstances.

Your FWS(Formerly Wayward Spouse) sounds a lot like mine in that the guilt was eating him up before I found out. He, too, is a changed man since then.

You, the BS (Betrayed Spouse) are just now experiencing all of the emotions of the betrayal. He may want you to hurry up and move along faster in the recovery to catch up to where he is.

You asked a lot of questions. Some of them will get answered over time. My husband also said he never stopped loving me and it was just the thrill. Sounds dumb to me, but it is real to them I guess.

Do you want to forgive him? I'll be honest, I had a hard time forgiving the whole thing. I broke it down into pieces- and worked on each little part- I could not make a blanket statement of forgiveness. I think in 8 months I have now forgiven most everything. I can't think of anything I am still holding on to. Do I still grieve? You bet. This a process where my emotions cycle. It is not a quiock fix.

Do you rejoice in this and trust him again? Hmmmm rejoice in this? Well, a few weeks ago I told my FWS that I was so happy with where we are, I enjoy so much being with him, I just wished we had found an easier, less painful way to get to this point.

trust him again? You will never feel blind trust again I don't think. I think you will have doubts and wonder some times. I think that is ok. He has proven to be untrustworthy. It is up to him to prove again that he can be trusted. Since this happened a hew years ago, it is going to be some different. He needs to make his life an open book to you. Doing that will allow you to develop trust back.


Here are my suggestions for you:

1. Read Surviving an Affair and the articles on this site.

2. Take the Emotional Needs Quiz on the site or in the book. This will help both of you learn to meet the needs of the other.

3. Find a good counselor who is pro-marriage. If he will go with you that is a good thing, if not find an individual counselor who is pro marriage.

4. Spend as much time in couple time as possible. Renew and recreate the good memories and make lots of wonderful new ones.

You can do make it through this.

Keep reading and keep posting here.

Blessings

HF,

I think Moveforward has given you some great advice and would council you to consider what she has written very carefully.

I thought I would offer a slightly different slant on this, not to contradict Moveforward but perhaps offer you a slightly different perspective allowing you to use her advice more effectively.

Permit me to begin by answering the questions you asked at the end
This is really a choice you need to make. First, if you want to continue the marriage, I know you will find it necessary to forgive him, but not for the reason you think. You will need to forgive for YOURSELF. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You finally decide that holding the option of punishing him is not worth the emotional energy it takes to keep that reservation in your mind. When YOU can let go of the option of retribution, then forgiveness realizes you from it. There are many books on forgiveness, you should find one or two and read them.

One thing though, don't confuse forgiveness with forgetting. You should never forget and neither should your H. If you forget this happened then you will have also forgotten the lessons you have learned by going through this. That is bad. I would encourage you to talk with your H about this. The WS often wants to move on, but without learning from what happened. I think if he understands that you need to talk about this, learn from this and discuss the why's and wherefore's to make the marriage better, he will be more tolerant of your healing and the learning process. Don't sweep it under the rug, but make it clear you want this marriage to continue but NOT with the mistakes of the past still being made. AND I mean the mistakes you BOTH made in the marriage.


Notice the part I put in bold? This statement may well be very very true. But, consider the context. You are focusing on the marriage again. You are not pregnant. You are not depressed by your miscarriage as I am sure you were in the time afterwards. There is a message here, perhaps many messages. You two need to talk about this. You see during the period you described you were NOT meeting his needs. You know that and he knows that. Further, you KNOW and so does he it is not an excuse for his decision making at that time. BUT... (there is always one of those isn't there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) if you could not have met his needs you should at least have acknowledged that his were not being addressed and your intention of doing so when you could. I am guessing that you never had that discussion with him, and it influenced his poor decisions. Do you see the fine line here?

I am NOT saying this was your fault, it was not. I am saying the marriage could have been stronger if you recognized that you could not meet his needs right then, and expressed this to him. You could argue that he should have KNOWN, you could argue that it didn't make any difference it did NOT justify what he did. You could be right but at the cost of your marriage. We are talking communications here and that is something you two really need to address.


Is the pain self-pity? Probably. Is it justified? Yes in mind mind it is. Is pain from betrayal normal, you bet. Is it deep very deep. It has been compared to losing a loved one, you probably can answer that one better than most.

I think the answer for the trust part is to rely on Ronald Reagan's advice..."Trust but verify". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Seriously, you should trust your H, but it should be based on data and actions, hence the verify admonition. It is actually what Harley says is best in a marriage. He claims 'blind trust' is not good for a marriage because it leads to taking the other for granted and we are all capable of cheating if the situation is right. I am not sure about "all" but I do think the temptation is there.

You then asked Given what I have read on this site for the last 7+ years, I would be inclined to agree with this statement as the answer to the above question
There is more to say, but I would encourage you to read on this site about REcovery, needs, and love busters. I think as you read you will see the patterns and the way to rebuild your marriage. There are no short cuts around this stuff, you must go through it, and it does take time.

God Bless,

JL

Hisfool,

Sorry that you have to be here. I think you have received some very good advice from the others here and will continue to receive comfort and understanding from the many here who have walked down the same path.

Your FWH has carried the burden and guilt of his actions for a long time so it is natural for him to feel some relief at finally confessing. In some ways, the burden has transfered to you now.

My FWH didn't confess his affair to me, I found out within days of him ending it tho. He says that he would have had to tell me anyway because he had been living a lie too long already. So while he felt relief in some ways, he traded that relief for having to see the pain he caused in my eyes, everytime he looked at me. He still sees that pain occasionally.

IMHO, it is important for you to remember that he did confess. To me this means that he is remorseful. If he wasn't, he probably wouldn't have told you since you probably would not have found out thru any other means.

I didn't find MB until 14 months after d-day but it has been a Godsend in every way for me and my marriage. Strap yourself in for a rollercoaster ride and understand that you can't let anyone tell you how long the recovery process will take. It is different for each of us.

Best of luck!

Who

Your story is so much like mine, although not 4 years ago. I found out when OW showed up at my house drunk in the middle of the night because my H would not take/return her phone calls.

It's been 5 months since d-day and we have recently turned a corner in terms of closeness. It still hurts but not as much and I am now able to see our future which i couldn't for months.

Hang in there, it sounds to me like your H really wants your marraige to work and those 4 precious little ones make it worth the effort I have 2 (7 and 2) and thank God for them, having to be strong for them each day has gotten me through the toughest moments.