Hi everyone. I am very stressed out because of the numerous problems that I have with my husband! If these problems are not resolved soon I think the only other option is to get a divorce. The first and main problem that I would like to ask for advice with has to do with money issues. To summarize my problem since I have known my husband he has been pretty selfish with many things. I thought that after we got married that things would change. We have two daughters together, a 3 and a 4 year old. My husband is currently working. I stay home with the children and take college courses online. Well, I have been together with him for approximately almost 7 years now. Since we did everything backwards we lived together before we got married and had children. In fact, we finally got married in July 2005. It was a very long engagement! Well, he controls pretty much all of the money. We do not have a joint account. In fact, we can not have a joint account yet because approximately 4 years ago when we were living with his parents I had a credit card. I charged a car from an auction which cost like $300 and a few other things because I had very little money of my own and no transportation. After I ran out of the little money that I had I started to make my credit card payments with cash advance simply because he never offered to help me with the payment. He could have helped me with the payment because he was making $30,000 a year and living rent free. So, after many years I have realized that things are just not fair in our relationship. Especially when it comes to sharing. Right now he has the only bank account. I did have a bank account which I would place money that I had received from college in it but that was frozen due to the credit card company's laywers freezing it. I paid for a good amount of the bills with my college money but I did not complain about that. Just recently after numerous arguments I have convinced him that I should be able to have some spending money within reasonable limits. However, he holds on to the debit card and does not let me use it. Last week he gave me like $10 to use. Also, there are 2 vehicles. The one vehicle which he bought like 3 years ago he spent $1900 on. He said that it was going to be my car but he placed it in his name. Up until then there was only one vehicle which he used. Also, he has a van which he is still making payments on but he does not let me drive it even though it is safer to drive than the car especially with 2 children. He even went as far as to lie for months and say that the van has break problems when it does not. So, I guess what I am trying to ask is in normal marriages how to most people deal with the whole money issue? I thought that in a marriage that you are supposed to share.

I think that your husband is trying to control you. Make sure that your are in "check".

does your husband have a problem trusting you?

I feel that in a marriage, money should be shared. Even if you have seperate accounts, both should be able to access both accounts in case of emergencies or other situations.

I have learned that in this day and age... people are so "hung-up" with control and making thier lives happy, they forget about other people.

The question in my mind is why he is lying to you about the van's breaks. Thier has to be something more. A person only lies for 2 reasons.
1) Fear of getting caught in wrong doing.
2) Fear of losing something

If he has nothing to hide... then he has no problem showing or giving you access to the money.

Now.. if he fears that you will spend the money wrong, then you have to tell him that he can not control your thoughts. That it is up to you to make the right choice. Not his.

We are all responsible for our own feelings and choices.

Maybe he is trying to control me by controlling all of the money. I do not know though. I have never ever given him a reason not to trust me. I think that things should be fair when it comes to money in a marriage and other issues too. If I am staying home and raising the children for now and he is working I think that all financial decisions should be mutual still. He has offered to try to help me pay off my credit card debt but this is only after many years of complaining about it. If that were to be paid off then we could have a joint account if he were to agree to it. It just seems like he is secretive about money. I guess it is just called being selfish. As far as the van goes, I know that he is making payments on it still but of course he has full coverage insurance. So, I just think that he either enjoys driving the van more and is being selfish about sharing it or he actually fears that I will get into a car accident with the van. I actually have a better driving record than he does though. So, I honestly do not know why he lied about the van's breaks.

I myself am in a marriage where lies have been spoken...

It is not easy to find out that the one you sleep next to has lied to you when you thought you can trust them. Remember that you deserve every right to be happy. Let your husband know whats on your mind.

I have let my husband know what is on my mind. However, most of the time nothing is resolved and just turns into an argument. I will continue to try to work on things but if things do not change soon I am going to have to leave.