Help...
My wife is having a mid-life crisis that started a few weeks before she actually turned 30 back in september of 05.
Let me start from the beginning.....
We were in the car going to meet some friends when she came out with a very strange statement... she said," Have you ever wanted to have sex with other people?" I was shocked! How could my wife ask that of her loving husband that does everything for her and has always been faithful!?
I didn't get mad or start yelling, I simply replied with," well... i think that all people have secret desires inside... the trick is not to act on them or hurt the other person." In short, she said that she has had sexual fantasies about men she knows and would like to act upon them...BUT...she wants me to know about it! basicly... for her to go and do it, then come home and tell me about it while WE have sex. And of course, she wants me to do the same.
I told her to let me "chew" on it and for her to tell me whom she is thinking about. She wouldn't, but after a period of time, I fiqured out whom it was. When I approched her about my thoughts, she confirmed it. It was a guy from her work that she claims to be her "good friend". I asked her why she wanted to do this with a friend and why even want to do this.... She said that she would only do this with someone she trusted and when she thought about me being the last person she has sex with... it "freaked her out!"
She said that she needed to have fun. That she missed the "newness" that came with a first-time sexual experience with another person.
As time went by, we had many fights about the subject and even came close to seperation. With all the fights and term-oil, she decided that what she had regreted what she had asked of me with this "idea". She has told me that she has never been unfaithful and wants me to understand that her and her "co-worker" are just friends and will never be more than that. I of course had trouble dealing with this and would re-play a thought in my mind about her and her co-worker in bed. This of course drove me mad and very unhappy.
This unhappyness started to really effect my work, my life with my wife, and our 2-year old little girl as well.
We tried to mend things by seeing a physcologist. This helped a little bit. But shortly after that...say about late November... I found something that broke my heart...
I was messing around with the pictures account online for our mobile phones and found something on her account that drove me mad. Her "co-worker" had recently sent a picture to my wife's phone of his penis!!! No message... just a picture.
I was at work when I found it. So I got in my car, drove to her work and confronted it to her. She said that she was mad at him for doing what he did and that he ment it only as a joke. I was very angry! she told me at that time that nothing had happened but she admits that he does find her attractive and she likes the attention that men and other people give her. (she is a beautiful women)
I acepted her apology and went back to work....
Now here we are in January... We have had another big fight this past weekend that almost ended in someone walking out. This time, I think I know what is the problem. My wife has told me that she possibly wants to leave in about a month. That she wants to give our relationship one last shot.
She has expressed that the life she built... the life that I have given her... is making her un-happy. That she wants to feel free. She told me that she was looking at cheap apartments this past weekend while I was at work and it made her feel happy. that all the "things" we have don't. That she is tired of having to "answer" to anyone and that she wants to live her "life" without borders.
I expressed that it would be hard on our baby, and that it would be horrible to end almost 4-years of marriage over wanting to be "single". I told her that all her "single" friends are letting her believe that being in your 30's and single with a child is not easy. I even asked her if she has been taking her medicine (she's manic-depressant).
Yesterday... She spent time with her close friend (women) with my little girl while I spent time at home alone. She came home around 7:00pm and told me she had a good day. That it felt good to feel that she could be with her friend with-out me getting mad that we didn't have our "family day".
I work all week... and although I do agree that peolpe need thier quite "alone time"... I mostly want to spend time with my wife and little girl. But it seems that my wife's alone time is more important to maintaine her happyness.
She came home yesterday, sat me down, and explained that after thinking all day... she feels that she is not running away from me, but running away from her life. The life she built that she feels she made mistake with. Meaning that she should have never "made me" all those times when I wanted to play on the computer, that she should have not "made me" be in the same room with her every waking moment when we were both home. And that she should have never "made me" to aggree to take care of the finances and the baby's daycare transportation, and everyother detail in our lifes.
You see... My wife is a control freak. She does not want you to control her, but she demends perfection and wants control over everything. She told me last night that being a perfection has caused her to be unhappy.
In February of 2005, I bought her the top-of-the-line Town & Country mini-van... complete with satalite radio, DVD, leather, the works... She wanted it... So I bought it for her.
NOW!... she told me last night that the van makes her feel "old" and just like a "mom". She told me that she doesn't like that she drives the "family car" while I drive the sporty Jeep Grand Cherokee. I reminded her that she made the choice. A year before I bought her the van, I bought her a Ford Explorer. So it's not like I "make" her drive poor, ugly cars. I always buy the best for my family.
So here I am today... going to take her to trade in her van for a Mini Cooper S. (her new a got to have it choice) this of course is going to be my purchase. I make way more money than her and more credit. She has none. She has only been in the states for 6 years. (she's from Latin America).
She also expained that she wants to live our own lives "together". That by her leaving, she would be happy, but why couldn't we be happy "together". She asked me last night why I can't except that fact that she wants to be with her friends some times and for me not to ask her to be home by a certain time. And that I should do the same.
But I have given up "dreams" of my life for her. I have quit my band (i'm a musician) to stay home and be her husband and a father. But it seems that no matter how I say it or act, it's not right or never enough. I feel that she would be most happy if I never questioned her actions and just "trusted her". but how can I with what I have learned.
She has expressed to me that she will never be unfaithful and that she will never go on "dates" or go "out" with her male friends alone. However... all last night I heard a lot of "I" and "my life" and "mine". It seems that the she is so "hung-up" on the freedom thing that I don't thing she really enjoys the marriage thing very much.
So people... what do I do??????
My heart feels broken with all the pain she has caused me. I want to keep my family together for my little girl and of course... I do love her. Will she grow out of this? When will "family" be important to her?
I feel lost and hopless.
She has gotten me so used to her being with me all the time, that if I'm not with her, I feel lonely. And I can't find happyness in anything else.
I'm 31, with a little girl that is about to turn 3, and a wife that is selfish and seems to be thinking of only of herself.
life isn't fair...
