Well, I met a guy this weekend and found out that his M ended because of his W's A. He tried to reconcile. No children were involved.

Here's my question... are there any issues/feelings that are more common for a male BS?

I'm not trying to stereotype, so be gentle on me. I'm just trying to understand how a male BS may see/feel things a little different than a female BS. I'm sure it depends on the situation, too.

neverthesame:

How long ago was affair/divorce? How long were they married?

Trust is probably the most important issue to us male BS's, thus takes the longest to come back. Our pride is hurt early on; but we get over that - some quicker than others. If our family is destroyed by this, we feel that we didn't protect our kids adequately so we have to deal with that. And the financial situations are usually pretty heavy which depresses most of us - at least until we get back on track.

Other than that - no problem! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

FR

Neverthesame,
have we met? Just kidding!
Pride is probably the #1 thing for me. After the rejection it is important to know that you are still attractive to members of the opposite sex and that you are a person of value in the eyes of someone. So whether you call it pride or insecurity....I think that is where it lies.
For me, I am still dealing with getting comfortable being single. I loved being married and didnt ever envision myself being in this situation. I am just now getting to where I am comfortable with the solitude.
All in all though, I dont really know that it is that much different for a male bs than it is for a female bs. Maybe though males compartmentalize things better. I know I dont view women as a whole the same way I view my ex. I have accepted my shortcomings that led to the demise of my marriage and I dont think all women are like my ex. I know that I dont want female bs's to think of all men the way they think of their ex's, so conversely I have to be willing to do the same for them.

Thanks for the input. Just want to clarify something... when you two talk about pride, do you just mean being concerned about whether you are physically attractive or do you also mean pride about SF? or both?

Fishracer - they were m'd about 8 yrs and divorced about 3 yrs ago. I think the financial issues could be a sore spot in this case because he was the primary breadwinner and I think he had to pay $ to the WS (no children involved). That could happen with either gender.

Texas - I agree, I think the issues are probably the same or they just vary based on the circumstances. I try not to view all men the same, but there are definitely things I look for & ask about that I wouldn't have known to ask about in the past.

Neverthesame,
For me......a deal breaker would be someone that I didnt feel like fought for her marriage absent any of the safety issues. If I even got a sniff of infidelity and divorce on the part of the woman I would run like you know what. Couldnt get out of there quick enough.

That is very true. Unfortunately, out of 50 or so women I corresponded with or met in the past five years, I'd be surprised if more than one or two were not the ones to end a marriage. Of course, they always seemed to have a valid excuse (he never paid attention to me, he was mean to me, etc), but who doesn't. And more than once I definitely sniffed some infidelity (on their part) to go along with it all.

I greatly respect anyone who fought for their marriage/longterm relationship, so that is a big plus for me (or conversely, a minus if I don't see that).

AGG

I agree - I would not want to date someone who had an A, unless that someone had learned from his mistake, now truly values M, & learned how to prevent it next time. I also am not interested in dating someone who wasn't committed to making the M work & finding ways to solve problems instead of just throwing the M away.

By the way, when I hear that someone is divorced, I ask if they are comfortable telling me the circumstances. The same goes for someone who ended a long-term relationship -- it's ok if they came to the conclusion that they did not want to marry the other person, but if they ended that relationship by cheating on their girlfriend, then I'm not impressed.

(Sometimes I wonder what my ex could possibly say when he is asked about his M & divorce. He probably just makes up something so that he sounds good instead of telling the truth.)

Bingo. No doubt everyone, including WSs, can portray everything in whatever light they want to. I have long learned to stop asking questions about this kind of stuff, and instead to start observing behaviors and traits of my partner.

AGG

never...


Not pride about SF - and not so much about physical attractiveness; more of an "overall attractiveness" issue. Bottom line: All BS's have been rejected and everyone feels a loss or hurt when rejected. Honestly though; this lasted a pretty short time for me. Perhaps I'm lucky in that respect - I don't know.



Yep - he got a "triple whammy": affair/divorce/alimony.


AGG:


Well stated - I agree!

FR

I agree with Texas... I have gotten into the dating seen quite a bit over the last few months. Thanks to MB, I can smell a WW a mile a way now. I have 2 dates tell me they cheated on their husbands which caused the divorce... The thing they did not know is THAT THEY TOLD ME. I could tell in how their stories did not add up.

So, if you cheated, and he was cheated on, don't expect him to date.

Another thing... Don't smother him, but don't ignore him either. Guys like to pursue, but not to the point of feeling rejected. Guys don't like to be pursued (at least not too much) but want to see interest. This all seems like a game doesn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />