How did things go w/ exBF?

You mentioned that you now felt your heart was free. Does that mean you are thinking about dating again?

Sigh. I'm so looking forward to the day when I'm able to fully let go. I'm SICK of the way my emotions vascillate. I find myself getting pretty mad at my ex these days, even though I do understand on some level WHY he broke up with me. How did you work thru the anger?

Thinking about ya......

DW

DW~~

Thanks for checking in.
I'm not ignoring you, today my girls were home and it was busy.
I want to respond when I have time. I will try to answer tomorrow.
TIME is still key though.

I will write you as soon as I can.

Karona

Hi there again DW~

XBF~I sent him an email [around 1/5] and told him it would be best that he and I not meet. Too much history there for it to be a positive for what he needs right now.
He wrote me back and said he understood, and would respect my wishes.
That was it, the end, nothing since.

My heart does feel free of him now. When I say, I thought of him all the time, I mean that very literally. After some months, maybe 5, they were reduced, but everyday still.
Not always sad thoughts, but just what he's does, what's going on in his life, is he getting married,etc......
It drove me crazy. Crazy because, he moved on, and there I was still thinking of him. When I would go to the store, mall, around town, I would always be on the look out for his car.
FINALLY after finding out this piece, I am not doing that any longer.

What I did in the mean time........

What you hear about. The times that were really hard, I wrote in a notebook my feelings/thoughts. I don't know if it helped or not, but thought I would give it a shot since we are told that so much.
And, I walked, A LOT! I like to walk anyway, but I probably doubled my time during the times when thoughts were getting to me.

I only have 3 single friends. Two are very involved in relationships and one just isn't fun to go out with [she's kind of a depressed person], so, it wasn't that I had friends to go out with to help move on.

I did read some, but after awhile I swear the books say the same thing, and I didn't feel much better afterwards.

I'm so sorry DW, I know you told us, but what was the reason for your break-up??

So,your last question, dating??

I have been introduced to someone and I actually met him for lunch on Friday. He's very new to divorce, it was just final in December. So, I will tread lightly here.
He called me yesterday and asked me out for Sat. He seems to have read the books too! 2 day rules, and asking in advance for a date. He seems very genuine, family man, [2 teens, 1-20yr old]gentleman, attractive, fairly easy to talk to, heck, he's even tall! So what's the problem? I don't know. I am at a spot where I don't want to feel.
Sounds strange. But, I don't want him to like me, and I don't want to like him either. I feel like a guy. You know how guys just want to be friends? That's me. I feel I'm at a spot where I just want to hang out with someone. No romance, no drama, no effort, take it or leave it attitude.

I don't feel bitter, I just feel like I'm in a weird spot.
So, tell me what you think about that. Maybe someone more seasoned will pop in and share their thoughts. Makes me a little nervous.

I hope you are progressing slowly. It is a process, and it takes time. Also, I will always respond if you need to talk about 'him'. Talking helps!
Remember to fill me in, I want to remember the reason.

Thanks for asking,
Karona

Hi Karona! Thank you so much for responding <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />Well I know that must have been hard (((K))). Hopefully he'll be able to get himself together. I do feel for the guy. You did the right thing....

well, you just described me to a tee <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. This is what's driving me crazy. I feel almost obsessed sometimes and it worries me. It is getting better tho' so that's something, right? sigh. What's so painful now IS his moving on. I know he was torn up at the time. The man was a wreck when he broke up w/ me, but sheez, it's killing me! It seems like he was able to just disconnect from his emotions after awhile. Just makes me feel like maybe he didn't love me as much as I thought <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

that really gives me hope!

ok, I think I better. I've tried to start and then grow weary of it. I'm gonna give it another shot.
Well, belly dancing does help. I do love it! I'm also waiting to get my orientation date to start volunteering at the animal shelter. They said they'd call in Feb to set up a date

I swear, I think we are living parallel lives. I have 1 single friend, she's actually a widow, who's in a serious relationship and they are talking marriage which, means she'll be moving away <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> The thought chokes me up b/c I love her dearly and will miss her. We've been thru alot together. All my other girl peeps, who are fabulous, are married. We do get together for a girls night out at least once a month. It would be nice to meet some other single gals to hang w/.....

Come to think of it, I don't think I've really mentioned it or talked about it. Well, I'll try to be concise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> It basically boils down to him wanting to focus on his kids, b/c they, as all children of divorce, showed some signs of difficulty (slight probs in school w/ one, withdrawing from another)and I think he felt an ENORMOUS amount of guilt b/c he and his ex basically parted ways, mutually (no infidelity on either part), went about their business of starting new lives, and just assumed/thought the kids were ok. When when his 7 yo son asked him why they were divorced and wished them back together (this on top of the other issues), he realized his folly, it sent him spinning, so much so that he broke up w/ me and felt he needed to pursue the possibly reconciling w/ his ex <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> You can imagine my shock. He felt he owed it to them b/c he and his ex basically walked away from a 12 yr marriage they weren't happy in w/o trying counceling or anything. His ex, who just happened to be unattached at the time, after having been dumped a couple of time herself, appears to be on the same page. I do know that she was showing some signs of having problems w/ our relationship...in fact, I believe she said to him, that she felt like she got the short end of the stick w/ him and she basically 'fixed' him for me b/c he was such a great bf to me. What I think? There's obviously some big time unresolved issues here b/w them and w/ their kids, so the logical side of me, the parent side of me understands that this is a path he needs to travel a path they need to explore. I mean, who am I to deny his kids at a chance for a whole family? I get that, but my heart, oh man, my heart just aches for him, b/c I know he loved me, really loved me and I really loved him, but I DO get angry at him b/c this should all have been dealt w/ before he got back out there, before he got seriously involved w/ me. I guess he didn't realize he hadn't. For him (his words), there really never was a really good marriage to begin w/ (they married in college 3 weeks after they met b/c she got pregnant w/ their first, otherwise, again, he said he never would have married her. Too many differences), at least not one w/ a solid foundation. But they stuck it out and grew to love one another and built a life together, but from what he tells me, they were both unhappy. In his itty bitty defense, b/c I don't think he was full of BS, she seemed just as ready to get out and move on, and even came close to marrying someone else she met after they divorced. I just smell disaster, especially for his kids. It's one thing to try to reconcile b/c you may still love the person, or had a good foundation that you are trying to rebuild on, but JUST for the kids? Who knows, maybe they do still love one another and he was just delusional or in denial when he was with me.

So that's it pretty much it. So much for a nutshell <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Sorry about the novella! I struggle so much b/c it's not like there were probs in our relationship or that we didn't click. We were very much like AGG and his sweetie. Unfortunately, the timing was not right and it's just not meant to be. I just wish I could get my heart to accept it soon!

Once again, our lives paralleling. I started w/ current exBF the same way. I was ambivalent. I'd come off of diaster/learning relationship about a month before and wasn't looking. I think that may be what's going on here w/ you. You've just recently had closure w/ exBF, and you may still be processing it all. I don't think what you are feeling is unusual at all. I almost didnt continue w/ current exBF b/c I felt my ambivalence meant I wasn't ready, but he was persistent, in a good way, and I basically said, just get to know him, no pressure, so how it goes....I tell ya, about the 4th date (a month after meeting him...guess i was hard to get...but he kept calling <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> and got to know him on the phone very well!)something just clicked and sparks flew and it was a great relationship that just effortlessly flowed w/ ALOT of passion.

I'm trying. I'm in no hurry to get back out there. Talking does help, and like you said in another post, my friends are sick of hearing about it too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />, so I truly truly appreciate the offer and god bless ya if you read all this! You're just a gem K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

DW

OH how I hate when I have typed my LONG response, and I hit some flippin key, and it's gone!!


DW~~

Concerning your sitch......
What I'm reading is...
Admirable actually, that your xbf wanted to see if he could put his family back together. Isn't that what we want for our kids? Our original family the way it's supposed to be? That's all I wanted for my girls, and would have been miserable for that to have been the case.
THAT being said......
I'm not convinced this will work for him, UNLESS the TWO of them are willing to change their relationship. From what I read, they did not have a strong foundation to begin a marriage. This will take a lot of work on both their ends, and I wonder how prepared they are to work on those.
I'm about convinced, that there is a 4mo threshold. This would be a self learned concept. That, at the 4mo mark, we really see a person and who they are. SO, I'm guessing, by now, the relationship is beginning to show wear. Unless the two of them are sincerely willing to give 110%, it will most likely fail because the issues will still be there that they struggled with before.
I read in M/V Starting Over, that men typically go straight into another relationship to escape the pain. It does not mean they loved you less or as much as they said they did.
I think this could be classic for your guy, and was found to be true in my case as well.
I don't want to give false hope because I don't feel that is right, but I'm not convinced you have been forgotten so easily [based on your description of relationship]. It's hard to say if he will or won't come back, but I would say the two of you had something very special, and I don't feel that can be forgotten by him.

I'm wondering, how long was he divorced when the two of you started dating? And, did he date others before you? Just trying to understand the dynamics here.

For what it's worth, I believe bf was tore up at the time of your break-up. He probably was struggling with 'right' for his kids, and thinking less of happiness for himself.
Have you ever thought how you would feel IF he did come back? It's something to think about!

And oh how we sound the same in many ways!
Too bad we don't live near each other [I have not idea where you live, but I'm assuming not close]. We could be good company for one another!
I'm not much for the typical bar scene, but there are some events I wouldn't mind attending. Recently, there was a Dualing Piano show at a bar. I wanted to go so bad, asked 5 people [2 couples, 1 single] zilch! I hate it cause I know there is life out there, but I can only imagine it!
I have married friends also. We get together from time to time for lunch or dinner, but I don't like asking them much to do stuff because I don't want their husbands to think I'm the wild divorced woman trying to lead their wives down a wicked path!

I'm happy to read that your feeling better, enjoying your class, [which sounds really fun btw] and voluteering will help too. Transfer some of those thoughts. I think it's key to shift some of the thoughts in another direction. I don't think it's wrong to have thoughts of these men that were so huge in our lives, and hopefully at some point they become less painful, and more pleasant.

Go ahead and try to write down your thoughts when they are consuming to you. It seems silly, but no one reads them, [I don't even re-read them] but hopefully it will get them out of your head, if only momentarily.

Again, I am sincere when I say I will read and respond. I would even give you my email if that helps. For me, I got to a point where I felt bad posting here because I was sure people were exhausted with me. But, there are those who stuck close to me, and because of them, I feel the need to do the same.

I think you're coming along quite nicely and normally. You know, it sucks to be us, because we give our hearts completely and it hurts so bad when it doesn't work out. But, think of the men that will one day be in our lives? They will be lucky because we do not give love freely, but completely. There must be something to be said for that!

Thinking of you!
K!

So go out alone K, we all need to expand our boundaries.

Oh Newly~ you are right, and this is one area I need to really work on!

K!

I am better at this in some areas than others. Not good in bars, restaurants (I tend to listen to other people's conversations rather than start my own).

Long walks in local parks are good. I can always go skiing alone, there's always some person to talk to on a ski lift.
And sometimes for work I do hit restaurants alone.
I need to work on this too.

Hi Karona~~

I too was able to see it admirably and I do understand it, once the shock wore off. But rejection sucks, no matter what the circumstances and I reacted very emotionally cuz I was pretty devastated. It just hurt so much, especially the thought that we wouldn't be together anymore. In some ways, I do feel better that he didn't just jump right back into things w/ his ex-wife. He didn't approach her until about a month ago, prolly mid-Dec. Anyhoo, doesn't matter, because yes I do get this and I DO understand his reasons. Honestly, how could he NOT try? That was one of MY biggest motivators in being willing to work things out w/ my exDH...our daughter. I wanted to know for myself and for her, that I did all I could to keep her family together. The sitch w/ xbf still hurts and it's been hard letting go. Almost seems like it would have been easier if he were an *sshole, or treated me poorly or was disrespectful<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

and for this very reason, I smell disaster. I just remember how *I* felt when I was willing to reconcile w/ my exDH---the task seemed insurmountable--and I really loved him! We had a very good marriage for 10 years, we had an excellent foundation. I knew it would take lots of IC, lots of MC and a HUGE committment. I don't know what their plan is, if they even have one. I, of course, am not privy to it, nor should I be, nor do I wish to be. I just would hate for his kids, b/c they are wonderful children whom I grew very attached to, to suffer thru a 2nd break up, but I guess he feels like he owes it to them to try and I DO respect that.

Whether he will come back, I don't know, but I'm not counting on it. As far as I'm concerned, it's over and done w/ b/w us. Something else that really hurt was when he broke up w/ me, he did say, his feelings for me had changed and that he didn't think he could get "back" to where we were (we did reconcile a week after the initial break up, but things were different b/w us, it only lasted a week, so he broke it off for good). OUCH! How could he go from loving me madly to not feeling the same, in like 1 weeks time?! See my confusion? Was it a defense mechanism, a wall he had to put up, in order to let go and move on?

Thank you for saying that. Soothing balm for my wounded heart. I do agree w/ you that I know I made as much of a mark in his life and in his heart as he did mine. I've come a step closer to knowing what I'm looking for in a person and in a relationship and I won't settle (AGG <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)


I think this sums it up exactly. I remember him saying, I love my children more than anything, and I would do ANYTHING for them, so shouldn't I subordinate (he's a now retired military man) my own happiness for them? Don't I owe it to my kids? big sigh. He really IS a good man, and in my hurt/anger/rejection I've somehow tried to get mad at him for hurting me. It's time to let that go. If nothing else, we both learned what it's like, what it takes, what it means, to be in a great relationship. Maybe *I* was his Meantime relationship......

We were separated/divorced around the same time....him in March 03, me in Aug 03 and divorced in 04, met in 05, so all still pretty fresh. Difference is, the year I was separated, I did tons of IC, put my daughter in IC, LOTS of MB lurking, so when I said my marriage was over, it was over. I was done and felt I did all I could. I know my exWH can't say the same and one of his biggest regrets. XBF casually dated quite a bit, but I was his first serious, exclusive relationship. I only had one other guy I dated (my disaster one) before him. I'm not big into casual dating, but methinks i need to give it a try.

Yes K, definitely too bad we aren't closer. You are definitely someone I could totally hang out with....I'm in Florida. You?

As far as doing stuff alone, that's hard for me too, but I did do my belly dancing all on my own, but I can't say I can see myself going to functions, plays, concerts alone. Maybe something I do need to work on too. I do enjoy going to the movies and do so frequently by myself. I've gotten to the point I almost prefer it that way! In fact, I think I'll go to one tonight, since DD is w/ her Dad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I'll also go have lunch on my own, accompanied by a good book or newspaper. Totally comfy w/ that. But dinner? Not so much. I would feel awkward. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Thank you K! I would love to exchange email addys. Anyway we can do it w/o posting on here, publicly? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Hugs
DW

Whew, I'm so glad you took what I wrote in the sincerity it was written in. When you quoted me, I thought, OUCH! I bet that stung me saying that. My intent was, that he seemed genuine and not a jerk. Which, yeah, sometimes wouldn't it be easier if they would just be that a88, and we could really not like them, and it would be ohh so much easier?!
Not the case though, and thus the heartache.

I am by no means trying to demean any of your pain, or say you shouldn't be hurt. I would have been devastated as well. The only thing I'm imagining is he has some major guilt going on.
By the time my divorce came around, I was convinced I had done all I could also. I stayed with my h the year following the exposure of affair. At the time, I/we were not going to counseling because we were also dealing with a tremendous upset with our OD, and everything was focused on her [or so I thought]. The following year, he told me he still loved ow, and at that point I started counseling.
So, I'm with you on this front too!

I have thought about his kids too and the thought of this not working out. While I feel he is doing this in their best interest, this could be such heartbreak for them, again. It's hard to make a judgement call on it.
I think it's wonderful that you had such a great relationship with his kids and I feel for your loss with them also.

I think you are right in not counting on him coming back. You can't set yourself up that way. You do have to move on, and continue to heal. Sometimes, when I had thought about my xbf coming back, I had mixed emotions. [that was where I was coming from with my question to you] Sometimes I thought, absolutely! I would jump right back into the relationship if only..... then, I began thinking darn him, NO, no I won't. He.......
I was thinking of you when I asked that. Just wondered how you might answer the question.
I can relate so totally to the timing issue you are talking about. My bf told me on Tuesday that he loved me so much, never had loved anyone or would love anyone that way again. On Saturday [same week] I saw him in his car with his date next to him. [the girl he married 6 mos later] go figure??
Yeah, I think it's a wall, denial, protecting their heart, whatever we may want to call it.

Your welcome for the soothing balm!!
Unless this man is heartless [which I don't read that he is] Yes, I believe you made an impression on him!

It sounds to me as if you have done the right things for your recovery, IC and IC for your daughter. Maybe he wasn't in a good spot at the time. So hard to say, and I'm sorry for you that he is/was so confused.

Well what do you know. I 'used' to live in Fl, Daytona! But, that was 9 yrs ago. I visited this summer. I now live in WV. I feel most days that I was brought here and dumped!
There is so much more opportunity down there than up here. There are plans why things happen though. However, some of the plan remains a mystery to me!

OHH, the alone stuff, that's tuff! I have went to lunch only a couple of times alone, one time dinner. Never the movies yet! Or a bar type atmosphere. Lots of growing things to do!!

I will give you an addy to use: NewKaronaataoldotcom

Take care DW~ I will watch for mail!

K!

ACK amazing! Friday night we had a WONDERFUL night together, Sat his son made the "statement", Sun night he called me in a complete mess, I flipped out (not proud of it, but i'm human), told him that if he needed to do this, once he decided for sure to approach his ex about reconciling, that was it for me....I'm out, regardless of what HER decision was. That night, he's calling, bawling, saying what was he thinking, he loves me, can't believe he was about to give up the woman of his dreams, then by Thurs he broke up w/ me. I now realize that I was operating in fear, not love, and what he needed for me was to back off, not issue any ultimatums, and let him decide his own path. I do regret that part. Ultimatums and panic are not born of love, but fear. I'm learning though....and if people can walk away from you, then LET GO. What I was doing was trying to hold on for dear life.

No I TOTALLY got this in this spirit it was intended.

and I didn't take it as such. Not at all. What you wrote was very helpful and I thank you.

Like you, in the beginning all I wanted was him back, but now I realize he's got alot of work to do, on himself, before that could ever happen. But honestly, I don't see him coming back. I really don't. He seemed pretty capable of shutting his emotions off, pretty suddenly, and that scares me. Defense mechanism or not. I mean, who's to say next big issue or crisis, he wouldn't just kick me to the curb again? No, I CANNOT go thru this again w/ him.

Daytona?! Man, I'm in Orlando. Dang, to bad you moved. I'm sorry you feel dumped in WV. I can only imagine. Do feel like it's home though now?

Well, I'm off to the movies. I've decided to torture myself w/ the love story of Tristan and Isolde. What can I say? I'm a sucka for romance. I'm even gonna treat myself to some greasy, stale, movie theater quality nachos! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Thanks again K! I've added your addy to my address book.

You're a peach and I appreciate you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh, how our stories do parallel!
I wonder if we met for dinner if there would be a moment of silence? Doubt it!!

If it makes you feel any better, I tried the holding on thing too. And it backfired! BUT, I see today, that it was best it did!

Can you believe we would have been so close. Are you from Florida? I wasn't, grew up in Ohio, but lived there for 12 yrs. I still have friends down there. Maybe I'll get to come back again, and I can try to meet up with you.
As far as feeling like this is home?? No, I don't. I have no family here. It was close at the time we moved here, 4 hrs from home. Since that time, my mom has moved S. The only thing that keeps me here is respect for my children and for them to have their father in their lives as much as they can. If it were not for them, I would be gone! Most likely, back down there.

How was the movie?
Hope to hear from you soon.
Karona

Well torture myself I did.....oy! WHAT was I thinking? I remembered right before the movie started that I thought the legend of Tristan and Isolde was some sort of love triangle and love triangle it was. UGH.

Despite that, it was VERY good and very sad.

Newly BS's stay far far away......

Karona,
Well I was born in Chicago and we moved to FL when I was 8, so I've been here ever since, so I guess you can say I'm from here, since I spent my formative years here.

Most definitely give me a shout when you make it back down here for a visit! I'd love to meet up w/ you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Some kinda gab fest that would be, no? LOL!

Well, I know it must be incredibly difficult to live somewhere where you feel dumped and doesn't feel like home, but I do admire you staying for your girls. I would do the same. My DD is very close to her Daddy and I can't imagine them not seeing each other as much as they do now.

BTW, my email is eternalsunshine12768atyahoodotcom

Hugs!
DW

Hi Ladies -

I don't have much to say except Karona you have come such a long way! I am so proud of you! You are strong, independent, and happy. I really wish you were here to help me get through what I am going through now. I could use some of your strength.

Take care and God bless!

K

Okay Still, I have tears in my eyes.
I'm not so strong. I try to be, for my girls, but there are many challenges.
Thank you so much for saying those things to me. They meant more than you can imagine to me.

I wish we ALL lived close to each other. I would so love to have you as my personal friends other than this cyber stuff.
You know, when people talk about meeting people online, it always sounds so shallow/wrong, but not so in this case.

I have met so many quality people here and I would love to meet each of them.

Still, fill me in? What's going on? I wish I could meet you for dinner and we could talk.

You're in my thoughts. I have thought about you a few times this week, and last weekend wondering what was up.

Take care!
K!

And what if he does? Tread very carefully there, DW.

This reminds me of the woman I dated for a month before she decided to "try again with her ex-BF", even though there was no doubt that I was "the best thing that ever happened to her". After a few weeks of heartache, I started forgetting about her. And of course, like a bad case of herpes (sorry), she came back....

And like a dufus, I tried again. And again she became a whacko. But did I learn? No. A year later she came back again, and again I tried. No difference.

Bottom line is that she was using me as a crutch, and I finally got tired of it (I know, I am a slow learner).

I know your situation is different, since you were "dumped" for the mother of his chidren. Still, a little voice should warn you about this - if you were so great, why did he dump you? Something to think about.....

I know this sucks, BTDT, so I sympathize...

AGG

I hear ya AGG, b/c the way I still feel about him, well......I'm very vulnerable to him, so it's VERY good we have no contact, but I'm getting stronger, things are getting clearer for me. I'm think I'm FINALLY starting to detach some.....

But honestly, I really really don't see him coming back. I'd be very shocked. He was torn, but I could tell, something had flipped. He'd checked out emotionally, and I think a big part of why he was so torn, at least the 2nd time he broke up w/ me, was b/c he knew he was hurting me. So yeah, when someone's feelings can just "flip" like that, that is a big warning sign, no? Is this a guy thing? Help me out here fellas <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

DW