Caren,

Minus the heart thumping drama, day one of Plan B is easy.

Remember to reread these posts in that 5th or 6th or 12th month of the plan.

Best of luck, my prayers go with you.

Caren, I worry you will not be able to protect yourself from his babble.

While you are saying you won't return his calls, you will still be hearing his messages, which will be laced with the outlandish and hurtful and illogical and unreasonable things that fog babble usually contains.

He may start out with something about the kids and then throw in a zinger at you. Some will hurt you, some will infuriate you. You know the drill <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

My STBX would do this all the time. Craziness.

Think about finding an intermediary, I wish to goodness I had. They will prevent you from hearing his bullcrap.

Well he never showed up...I knew he'd think better of it, I'm going to bed.

Night All <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

-Caren

I was thinking of you today. You are so brave! I remember when I was in high school a dear friend of mine was 1 of 9 kids in her family. 5 kids were still home when her Mom moved herself and the 5 kids into an apartment and her Dad stayed in the family home. That Mom was a hero to all of us. She made it such and adventure and never complained about what they left behind or what they didn't have. The Dad was an alcoholic and who knows what else. After 2 years of D he finally got sober, she moved to a larger condo. She never went back to the family home...but they reconciled on her terms. They maintained 2 residences and she never did his laundry again, but they saw eachother everyday. My friend and her siblings would laugh because they said the parents spent more time talking and being together and enjoying eachother in the D then they did their whole marriage.
I guess you never know how things will turn out. You need to stick up for yourself and maintain your boundaries. I'm so proud of you.

Thanks Confuzed.

Well so much for sleeping........DD11's phone rang once...it was her Grandma (WH's Mom)....but it only rang once. Then about 10 minutes later it rang again, and it was his sister, so she answered the phone, and handed it to me.

She proceeded to say that WH had called his mother going crazy.....screaming that I took things out of the house that were his (Not true) and that I wouldn't talk to him and that I wasn't going to divorce him......etc etc.

So I spent a 1/2 hour trying to explain to her, while she said "Why don't you just divorce him? Blah blah blah" This coming from a woman who has never been married but has gotten together and broken up with her current fiance about 10 times...they'd move in together...break up, she'd move out....over and over and over.....and they have a little girl together.

So anyway, I read her my PBL, because apparently she was under the impression that I had written some horrible letter telling him what a low life he was or something.

After the letter she said "Well, we all love him and don't want anything to happen to him" I said "I don't want anything to happen to him either....but does this sound like someone who wants to divorce me??? It sounds like someone who is unhappy because he no longer has control of the situation."

So that was it.....so I guess I'll try to go to sleep again.......

*sigh*

-Caren

All I can say is WOW!! Im so proud of you! In regards to his dragging his sister and mom into it he's just trying to use any means to control you and or make you feel guilty. I wouldn't talk to them again cause you know what they say "blood is thicker than water." Inlaws are always going to back up their relatives no matter what. I KNEW he was going to freak when you left!

Good luck Caren and stay strong!

Wow, Caren! Good luck, although you're obviously off to a flying start and sound totally cool and together. Go you!

Yeah, I got a butt chewing from his Mother last night too.....She said "Caren! This craziness has to end before somebody gets hurt, and I don't mean hurt feelings hurt"

I said "That's what I'm doing, removing myself from the craziness"

She said "Caren, you know how WH gets, he was going crazy tonight he was screaming the you took this and you took that, and that you weren't giving him a dissolution and that you were telling him what number he was *allowed* to call and when he could see his daughter(Ummm the dates I set up are what he said he wanted, every other weekend when DD14 was with her Dad) and that you were dropping her off to him on such and such a date, NO, that SOMEBODY was dropping her off to him at work, Caren, this has got to stop. If anything happens to him, somebody is going to pay, he's all I've got left of my Mark (Her husband was killed while she was pregnant for my WH) and Caren if something happens to him. I don't want anything to happen to him. (Notice during all this it makes no difference what he's done to me).

I said "MIL, I don't want anything to happen to him either, I love him."

She said "I know Caren but how could you stay with a man who told you that he wanted a divorce for the last 6 months..."

I said "I didn't.......I left"

She said "He's really upset, he says you're controlling his life"

I said "No, I'm not controlling his life, I'm just not letting him control mine.......that's why he's upset, he no longer has control of my life"

She said "But you let him believe all this time that you were going to give him the dissolution"

I said "Why is he so concerned whether or not I give him a dissolution??? He's got the attorney, he saved up the money and filed on me when I thought we were trying to work things out, the attorney has his retainer, so I don't see how I'm controlling anything, he can go to his attorney and file on me tommorrow."

Now bear in mind I've told this woman THE ENTIRE TIME I WAS NOT GIVING HIM A DISSOLUTION, AND SHE TOLD WH THAT I SAID THAT, AND HE SAID "Don't worry about it Mom, we've got it all worked out". (So this is not even a surprise to this woman)

She said "Caren, some people just aren't meant to be together, and I'm not taking up for him" (Your not? Didn't you just threaten me and say that if anything happened to YOUR son that SOMEONE was going to pay......Who on earth would that someone be??? Hmmmmmmm)

She said "Caren, I can't believe you left while he was at work he was really upset"

I said "MIL I can't believe that he was f-ing another woman while we were still married, that really upset me."

She said "That's why I don't understand why you stay with him"

I again stated "Ummmm I didn't, I moved out"

She said "I dunno Caren, but this is crazy"

I said "I agree, it is crazy, therefore I removed myself from the craziness and your son is just upset because he can no longer control me"

She said "Well then why won't you give him a dissolution?"

I said "Because, I don't *AGREE* that we should divorce, so I can't, in good conscience give him a dissolution, but he is welcome to file on me, and I will in turn get a attorney"

She said "Well isn't it cheaper to get a dissolution?"

I said "Yes, it would be cheaper to get a dissolution, but it would also be a lie. It would be me stating in front of a judge that Yeah, I want this marriage to end, I'm cool with it, and I am absolutely NOT"

She said "But Caren! He keeps telling you over and over that he wants to divorce you"

I said "Actually MIL, that's what he tells YOU he's telling me. When he's actually speaking to me, he says 'I'll always love you........My Mom got divorced and remarried the same man, that he thinks we'll be back together one day, and that he wants to divorce me and then date me', well guess what, that's not going to happen, if he divorces me, I'm not going to be his buddy, so, by not speaking to him, I'm giving him a little taste of what life without Caren is going to be like.....because THIS is how it will be."

So I basically disfused every argument she threw at me, and then I went to sleep.

I woke up in a panic this morning.......I do miss him (I knew I would...this is the beginning of *my* withdrawls from him, this is where I cracked last time, but I recognize it as such.)

Of course I miss him....but I miss my husband, not the alien that has taken over his body, I don't want that guy back, I want my husband back, and I realize this is a critical piece of the puzzle, one I was too afraid to do before.....for fear I'd lose him forever. Well NEWSFLASH, I've already lost him, and this is the only way I have any hopes of getting him back (My husband, not the WH).

LOrd please give me the strength to leave it in your hands, give me the wisdom to let you lead me down the right path, give me the courage to overcome the obstacles that satan throws in my way, and recognize them as just that. You are powerful Lord, and I trust you with my marriage, and with my life. --Amen

God Bless,

Caren

Caren ~ It's amazing how much you have grown.

I am in awe.
My prayers are with you.
Ritz

Caren,

I'm praying for you. I know this is difficult, but I have faith that you can make it through this.

This makes me so angry...



This kind of enabling behavior is probably precisely why this GROWN MAN is still acting like a child.

It reminds me of the way my alcoholic XH has been catered to his entire life...everyone tiptoing around him to keep him from being "upset" at all costs and being angry with anyone who "upsets" him.

It only serves to perpetuate his childish behavior and aid him in his endeavor to NOT take responsibility for his own actions.

ARGGGHHHH!!!! It makes me sick! Enabling mothers annoy me!!! They think they are "helping" their sons, but they are not. I'm sure you know.

I am definitely not an expert when it comes to Plan B, but I remember reading something about Plan B that said that Plan B is not about getting the WS back. It is about peace of mind for the BS. It said that Plan B was not about changing the circumstances, but about accepting that they are what they are and taking care of yourself, given those circumstances.

I wish you much peace, Caren, in your Plan B. Take care of yourself.

you are really holding it together. I am proud of you. It will get harder and his whinning will get worse. He sounds like a spoiled baby dosen't he??

"She said "Caren, you know how WH gets...."

Next time you talk to mom, tell her that now she's going to see how Caren gets when she is disrespected.

But let it all roll off your back - she is being the typical enabling family member.

I told my SIL (who was a great friend before D-day) that I just couldn't discuss her brother anymore. It was too painful to me. That stopped most of the BS.

Oh, his Mom is a basket case anyway, everything that happens just about sends her over the edge, it's ridiculous.....apparently I'm supposed to just give him his way so he won't throw a little temper tantrum.....whatever.

I haven't heard from him today. He didn't have to be at work until 1pm (Well he normally doesn't have to until 1pm on Tuesday's...no clue if that's what happened today or not), I assume that he'll call DD11 when she gets home from school.

I'm actually doing okay. My friend is coming over after work to help me get unpacked and hang my pictures. I have plans to go out to dinner Friday night after I get off of work (At my 2nd job...still kept the job at the restaurant) for my birthday...I turn 38 on Sunday. I don't know what I'll do Saturday night, but I'm gonna figure out something to do, and Sunday I have a birthday party to go to in the afternoon. (This is all providing that WH doesn't cop out on taking DD11 this weekend.)

Oh well, I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette.

-Caren

WAY TO GO!!!

I am so proud of you, Caren...

I second the advice of not listening to the voicemails...it will only prolong your pain.

I got a voicemail just two days ago from my exWW, after not hearing her voice for over two months, and it messed me up a bit, so I know how tempting it is to want to hear your spouse's voice...

Totally dark.

And no caving...


Hooray for Caren!

TM

Well Day 2 is over. WH called DD11 this morning before she went to school, I guess to tell her to have a good day, I had already gone to work, so I'm not sure. Then he called her about 6pm to ask how her day had gone and then he told her to tell me he wanted his mirror back. (I had egyptian pictures hanging in the bedroom at his house, and one of them was a mirror that belonged to him and my friend accidentally took it down too and moved it here). I said "Yeah that was a mistake, I'll get it back to him", and that's all that I said, she continued to talk to him for a few minutes. Then he called about 9:30 pm and talked to Brooklyn and then I heard her say "Okay" and she came in and said "Mommy....Daddy said that you can't control him, and that this weekend isn't going to work" (Meaning that per the letter and his request he'd have DD10 this weekend, and every other weekend thereafter). I assume he thought I had hot plans and he wants to ruin them....well I don't consider it a punishment to have my daughter home with me, but good try I guess. I didn't reply when she told me that, I just kept putting the things in the bathroom away. Later on I said "Honey, did you ask Daddy when you'd get to see him if he's not taking you this weekend?" She said "Yeah, he said next weekend."

So I guess we're continuing with the conspiracy theory that I am out to control his life from afar....I guess I'm remote controlling it since I haven't been in a 5 mile radius of him since I left...LOL!!!

I can't decide what he'll do next, but he's definitely twisting in the wind. I guess he sits around thinking of ways to ruin all this fun I'm having...LOL!

It doesn't make sense to me that he's been harping and harping that this is what he wanted, for me to move out, and then when I do move out, because every detail wasn't controlled by him, he's flipping out.

I find it strange that he could still be this foggy after all this time. He and the OW couldn't have had anything more than passing contact since I lived with him, I could account for his time 99.9% of the time. The only possible time they could have even spoken was at work....wooo hooo fun relationship.

I guess it's because I'm not a WS, that I don't understand, but I can't imagine being this hung up on something or someone for this long.

I keep thinking that if I could have done Plan B correctly the 1st or even 2nd time around that things would be so much different, but as I was advised, I wasn't ready....I guess I wasn't tired enough of being treated like garbage, well I reached my garbage threshold now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My apartment is coming together slowly, I'm pretty whipped when I come home from work, but I'm slowly putting things away. The clutter is driving me crazy, but I'm devoid of dressers right now and so the clothes are still in boxes and baskets.

I got my rent-to-own coffee table and end tables today, and I hung a few pictures. I definitely have enough things to keep me busy for the forseeable future.

The kids seem okay. DD14 seems to be adjusting better than DD11, but I suppose that's because it's her step-father and she's a little older so I guess she understands a little better, they aren't fighting near as much as usual, I think that's their way of consoling each other.

DD11 is kind of shutting down on me a little, she just seems sort of distracted and annoyed, but I'm hoping that once we get her room painted (She wants it to be pink with white clouds) and things fall into more of a routine she'll get better.

I've been sleeping on the couch, I don't really like the thought of sleeping in the queen size bed alone, but the couch seems to be okay, and DD11 has been sleeping on the floor beside the couch, I think she just needs to be close to me. I think maybe tommorrow night I'll sleep upstairs in my bed and just have DD11 sleep with me. DD14 is a teenager and will basically sleep anywhere she can close her eyeballs.....

DD11 seems a little more worried now than usual, she asked me if I'd locked the doors before she fell asleep tonight....I just think that's something an 11 year old wouldn't really be worried about.

Okay, well I'm getting sleepy and I have to get up and get the kids to school in the morning. I'll be glad when it's the weekend....whew!!!!

God Bless,

-Caren

UGH!!!!!!!! I couldn't sleep at all last night. I have some kind of psycho sump pump, and it rained really hard last night so the thing was turning on every 2 seconds and after it pumps the water out, the sump pump shakes and hits up against this wood cover they have over the hole and it sounds like someone pounding on something......yippee...I have to fix that post haste.

It snowed overnight...yick, waiting for my icecube...I mean my car to thaw out.

God Bless,

-Caren

Stop giving yourself a hard time...you moved to Plan B when YOU needed to. Before, you simply weren't ready. Remember, Plan B is about YOU, not about manipulating a change...it is like being a toreador and standing out of the way while a raging bull comes towards you...actually, it's like leaving the stadium so you don't have to see or hear anymore...

((( Caren )))

Just catching up on your story. I am sooo proud of you. You really are an inspiration to those in your situation.

And, Happy early Birthday !! Sunday is my gd birthday. I hope that she has some of that personality and spunk that you possess. She does have red hair, so there is hope !!

Not a doubt in my mind that you will be just fine.

Best regards - Carnation

Thanks. I text messaged WH to tell him that next weekend is not going to work for me because I have plans. (I want to have the girls weekends with their fathers to coincide, so I can have them together).

I simply said: Next weekend isn't good 4 me-have plans,you'll have 2 take DD11 the weekend after that.

He texted back: what ever

So at least he's communicating about DD11 in the approved way today.

He thinks I'm trying to control him, but in reality he's trying to control the sitch by telling me when he'll take DD11. If he can't take her this weekend, that's fine, but I'm not going to have him re-arranging my whole schedule he can just start up his visitation as scheduled the weekend after that.

*sigh* Gotta go to work, have a good day all.

God Bless,

-Caren