I got an email yesterday from STBX. Besides her admitting to me she is in contact with OM she gave me an explanation of why she quit Marriage Counciling after 4 meetings with Jennifer in Oct 2005. (She quit MC in 2004 after 3 sessions because she wouldn't stop seeing OM, and she agreed to re-enter counciling in Jan 2005, she finally went in in Sept. 2005 after repeated breaks in NC)

Anyway this is her explanation,


What do you think about that statement?

This occurred after a particularly brutal 5 days of constant LBing from her, (while I was out of town at a wedding) and her telling me she wanted a divorce and to quit MC etc etc etc.
I was not feeling good about her, but I said I did not want to quit MC. I did tell her that I would do whatever it takes to fix our marriage. I did say I would stay in counciling as long as it took. I did tell her I did not feel love for her but I was betting that when we start following the MB principals that I will get those feelings back. I did tell her I could not get those feelings until she stopped LBing me and refusing to meet my needs. Which is the same thing Jennifer told her.

So what do you think? Is she saying she doesn't want a marriage to a man who is committed to a marriage?
It doesn't make sense to me, but then again she is erratic and refuses counciling with professionals.



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Tom,

I think you should stop thinking about this. It is clear what your decision needs to be, and it is clear from her actions how she views your marriage. Son, this is a non-starter, continue with the divorce and protect yourself and your family.

If nothing has changed, no decisions are required.

God Bless,

JL

Tom:

This part "explains" the rest of it and guides you as 2 what 2 do (go forward with the DV):

"Besides her admitting to me she is in contact with OM"

-ol' 2long

Any excuse will do.

If it wasn't that, it would be something else. Selfish, psycho and not marriage material for a decent man. OM deserves this witch. There's nothing left of a decent woman in her now. She's what he and she have made her.

Tom,
She obviously does not get it. She wants love not willpower. She doesn’t understand a MB principle that love comes from treating each other well and not love busting. She thinks you are being dishonest, from her point of view this is a fair argument.

You can say that you do love her in the affection type of love and you hope to restore the romantic type and that you believe that your marriage is not terminal. Your WW thinks you are manipulating, it is probably a common argument. I think it is worth answering

DLK21

TJ, she did you a favor and told you everything you need to know.

GC

Excuses, excuses, excuses. And she wants sizzle (you stroking her ego with words of "love") rather than the steak (which is what you were offering).

JL,
Yes. I know. I know what the cure is. The medicine just tastes so bad.

2Long,
You've been saying it all along. She has to do it for herself. Nobody can do it for her. I know some people tried to help, but she won't accept it. Still with OM and her other Wayward friends. You've invited her here from day one to get the support to reclaim her marriage. Instead she went to her stripper friend (who helped her cheat)

Kayla,
I've mentioned to that to her many times. She always has a reason NOT to do something, always has a reason why something WON'T work. She can never see a reason to do something, actually contribute to anything.

DLK,
I'm weary. I offered her forever, she wants only today and she wants it all her way. It it isn't ALL (emphasis on ALL) her way she is cruel and nasty. I can't live like that anymore.

Like 2long has repeatedly said. She has to do something. Only she can break contact with OM, only she can stop quitting counciling. She only wants someone to say she is perfect, if you aren't completely happy with her abuse, she becomes even more abusive. I'm scared of her and I'm scared for my kids.

It's been more than 12 months full of abuse, false recoveries, and lies.

At any time she could have CHOSE to do something. But she chose to stay the same. It breaks my heart she is like this.

GC,
She has been doing me favors like that for years. With a wife like that ....

RT,
Yes RiverTam. I offered dinner, OM offered dessert. And when I say dessert, I mean that in more ways than one. I hope she goes with him and sees what he really is. She defends him every time he comes up. She worships him. In her words, which she told me is still true, "he is a good man" and "he gives her strength". This a man who j/o's on webcams to girls? That is her idea of a good man. Oh, she thinks she was the only one. That is the mother of my children.

.

She's upset with me again. Wants me off MB. Wants me alone. To suffer her lies and false promises. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Tom,

Usually you don't respond to my posts to you, but I am saying this with the utmost kindness and concern for you.

You are in a very yucky, abusive stituation with a very immature/abusive/destructive/mentally unbalanced person.

I think you need to go no contact with her, get custody of your children if possible ( I don't like to say that usually, and don't believe children should be taken from their mother, so I say that with trepidition, and only you know best here where they are concerned) and work on healing yourself.

I have read your posts since I have been here, including the ones where she was having cyber sex in front of you and not taking care of your kids after she booted you out.

You are in a very, very emotionally abusive relationship and you don't see it.

You deserve so much more TJ, you deserve a chance to heal, and you deserve to be loved by a healthy woman.

Don't you see the cycles...the dance?

I think you need to try and get yourself disentangled from this mess with her (through divorce).

You are way too good for this guy.

Well, surprise surprise. I wonder why? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

We need to compile a index of all the great babble statements made by wayward spouses. I stare at some of these WS comments, my brain furiously trying to uncover the hidden gem of logic buried within the statement.

It's all crap. She is deciding she needs to justify herself, so she hunts for a reason.. something you did or said. Must . . . find . . a . . reason...

((Weaver))

Is that true? Its been awhile since I posted, but you have been someone whose posts I always looked for.

I know I may be frustrating many of you. You give your advice, all the same advice, borne from experiences that all you wish you didn't have. And it seems I'm not paying attention.

Like I sometimes am with my kids. JUST LISTEN DAG GUMIT!

Whether you realize it or not. I felt so good when I saw you name on my thread. I just so much wish my STBX would have come here for support from people who genuinely care, who don't have an alterior motive.

I do see the abuse. It is ruining me. It is ruining the kids. The constant instability. The constant selfish selfserving.

I want to say I don't know what to do about it ... but you have all given me the best advice already.

I'm just venting. But I need your support, I need to feel like someone actually hears my voice. I have gone through a dozen years of neglect and being made to feel like nothing. All this from a woman who just sat on the couch. honestly, slept till noon and then got on the computer.

TJ, there's something wrong here.

You give her power over you and she knows it. There's just one way to take it away: accept her for who she is, let her do what she will, and get the he!! clear of her wake.

GC

It takes a very long time usually to get out of a relationship that is riddled with emotional abuse and guilt/blame cycles.

But once you are out, you are out for good and won't go back.

Things take time TJ, and getting out of something like this is no exception.

I will say that she won't change until she has lost you completely (if even then), and then you won't want her. I think all of us here can sense that you are almost to the point where you know that your own sanity and mental health depend on you saying "no more".

We all wish she would have wanted to become healthy too, and that she would have come here, but she didn't.

You are a fireman for gawds sake, and I saw your picture...you could probably have your pick of loving, stable, passionate women.

But you believed the lie that she told you about your own self-worth and what you had to offer a woman (through unkind actions and hurtful words)...as did most of us as some point.

Things take time and you'll get there.

"You are a fireman for gawds sake"

And I've said before, Tom, that you are a hero because of this career choice. Not many jobs like that. And not many individuals have the integrity and compassion 2 put their life on the line for strangers like that.

"and I saw your picture...you could probably have your pick of loving, stable, passionate women."

Just don't take all of them, okay Tom? Just in case...

-ol' 2long

Thanks I like the flattery, gawd knows I never got it at home.

I sent the STBX an email with an article about managing anger and taking responsiblity for how you behave. She replied by blaming me for her treating me cruelly for a dozen years and that it is my fault for her mood swings.

Pathetic and sad.

Well, I have a meeting tomorrow with the attny to get some of the depositions and Vocational studies scheduled and done and a home appraisal. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other now.



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