spoke to a friend today about my situation, someone my wife doesn't know. He offered to give some insight since he went through some difficulties with his wife for ~3 yrs as well, now they're doing well.
After summarizing my situation to him, he told me I have two options to get myself on the road back to emotional health again.
1. Make up my mind to reconcile, have a solid plan of how to do it and drive up there and tell her the plan. But be prepared for rejection and if that's the case then end it right then and there.
2. Make up my mind to end the relationship and finish the divorce, so I can work on myself, my career and move on.. perhaps with someone new if that's what it takes.
His view point is very much in line with a my counselor, my one other friend that I talk to about this... more of a tough love. He wants me to be selfish and have my own best interest in mind, and STOP being such a nice guy...
He says I'm too nice of a person and women tend to step all over guys like me and that I need to be almost a bit more arrogant. His wife told him this too that he's too nice and always thinking about other people and think too little about himself.

Stu,

It is interesting what you say. My father told me some time back (actually before I married H) that I was too nice in my relationship with H. His argument was, that this could lead to an unbalance in the relationship, where one partner dominates over the other. Now, dominates does not mean physically dominent or that the dominating partner is trying to BE dominent. But basically, that one partner, in an continuous attemp to please the other, becomes in some sense the submisive partner and in that way the other becomes more dominent. (GO with me on this). I really think there is something to that. Typically when you look at the beginning of a relationship, there is a balance. If you go out with someone who is too needy, you are out of there. You feel uncomfortable and you certainly have a hard time falling in love with that person; you probably cannot even make it through the date (AHHH!!). This unbalance can happen later. I wonder if this is something your friends are refering to.

Honestly, I don't understand your Plan A + 180 together. To me, and this is my VHO, they contradict each other. In plan A, you are suppose to make an attemp to meet their needs. But the 180, is all about taking the focus off of your spouse, improving yourself, doing what is unexpected, do what you would not normally do. The 180 is a sign to your spouse that you can and will live without her (if she chooses to stay away). You basically don't show your wife any sign that YOU want her back. You show her that your life is good with or without her in it.

You restore the balance. You don't persue.

Anyway, these are just my thoughts.....

How is the plan going so far though? I have not seen you post. Does your wife respond in any way to this. Have you heard from her since Christmas?

Daisy

Hi Daisy,
I haven't heard from her since xmas... She only responded to an email I asked her about our taxes from 2004.
As far as the plan...well I don't know how it's going. I know she opened an email attachment that I sent her. It was a picture of porpoises I took when I was out on the ocean not too long ago (she loves marine life). The email was just a "Hello" and talk about the porpoises and talk about my new appreciation for some european countries now that I've been reading a book on Wines and the places that have been made famous by the wines they produced. She did look at the picture for sure, but didn't respond to it. So I don't really know how she's taking it at all...

Stu,

Have you tried to call or write her again? I am of very little help to you, I don't know what to do myself. I can only imagine how you feel, not being able to talk to her. I kind of have a feeling it may not be a good idea to pursue her too much now. She may need time alone to wonder about you. As is she thinks that you will write again, and does not want it. But with time she may wonder 'why hasn't he written again'. Just my thoughts. It sounds easy but it requires so much patience.

How do you feel these days? Do you feel any improvement in your emotions since the last time you guys talked? How long have you been in the plan A + 180?

Daisy

stu....(boy I had to dig deap to find this thread).

Did you ever have any suspeciouns that your W could be having an A?

Now that my H's A has come to the surface I can look back and see the red flags more clearly. I did quite an excellent job of pretending they did not exist. I know you hired the PI and he did not find one, but I just keep thinking that it is hard to imagine your wife being so unresponsive without an A.

Also, you spoke with Jennifer. Was she the one that recommended the 180 to you (along with Plan A). I confess I don't really know what that means (ark's thread seems to come closest to clarifying it to me). Mimi mentioned that 180 is not really adviced by the Harleys.....so I wanted to hear what Jennifer said on this. It may be different given a specific situation, I guess.

Daisy