James,

I have been in your shoes and I think my wh has been in your shoes. This might be long so bare with me...

Young love, you meet and all the world is just perfect. You get married and reality sets in. wh and I had NO IDEA how to be in a marriage as we both came from divorce and we married too quickly into our relationship. Unlike you we had children right away, twins as a matter of fact.

I made many mistakes that I acknowledge. Early on I took h for granted. I was used to being miss independent woman and I still thought I could be that way. I was put head of finances... BIG MISTAKE. I am horrible with money and only recently have gotten good at budgeting. I had resentments, he had resentments. I never knew about EN's and looking back I doubt we were filling ANY EN'S for eachother. We were so off track.

Fast forward 4 years into marriage. H was not attentive, we did nothing together, he had issues with anger (still does) all the same stuff you said. I ended up with an EA with someone from work. I was very fog headed at that time. It felt so good to be getting something I had been missing: attention, support, someone to talk to. I understand what you are saying there. I was always usually someone who has struggled with my weight, up and down up and down, but always took pride in how I looked. Go tanning,hair done, nice clothes, etc. I just like to look nice ya know? H NEVER acknowledged how I looked or anything. My resentments grew. Finally, I thought maybe we should separate for awhile. In my warped mind this would make things better I thought. I just wanted him away from me. He felt bad, says he didn't see it coming. He came back a few months later and it was just too soon. We had worked on nothing and he was still not meeting any needs. I, like you , felt like I had done a lot to meet his needs.

we separated again, and this time h was pretty mad about it.
a few months later he came home and things were not the same
I was READY to work on marriage at that point. I did it all, raed books, bought books, worked on questionairres, counseling separate for each and together. But by this point my wh was at where you are now. and where I have been before. I got very down and gained a lot of weight. That did not help. I stopped caring. H grew further away from me. Since that point h has had numerous PA's and EA's. And he recently left in July and is living with one of the PA's he had that broke up her marriage.

My wh has said the same as you: I see the changes you have made and they are great but it is too little too late.
He is too angry, too resentful, etc. All the same things I have felt for him just at a different time in our marriage.

Long story short: I know where you are at. I wish I could advise you. I cannot. I do believe marriages are worth fighting for. I wish my wh had given me more of a chance before running off to ow again. (my wh has other more complex issues as well that I don't see you having) We have both sought solice elsewhere when things were lacking. Hindsight is 20/20 isn't it? I know I feel as though my insides have been torn out over my wh's A's. I am so hurt. But I also know I created an environment that left him open to these A's and I have told him that. He created an environment that left me open to mine. He will NOT acknowledge that.

My wh says we will never be together again and feels much like you do. And after all that has been said and done we probably will not. It takes 2 to want to make it work and it is very very hard work. I know I grew tired and weary just as you are now. My h never really put in much effort, I thinked he checked out a long time ago. He was willing maybe 3 years ago to work on it but not now. He has had to much of a good time living the single life with owomen to commit to the hard work of marriage.

It is your decision. I am not here to bash you, I have walked where you walk and so has my h. Sometimes you just get to that point. I just wish for me and my h we would have come to a decision BEFORE any A's had occured as I am sure you do too. Because the pain of A's takes a long time to heal from. A long time. I wish the best for you and that you will really think things through. Maybe, just maybe, give your wife a chance, like 6 months or so, to show you her changes and that they are consistant and see if it makes any difference. I know it took her having to hear from you that you were done to wake up but sometimes we women (like me) need a real smack in the head to get it. (I speak for myself anyway) Now she has it and she loves you and wants the chance to show you she does. At least maybe give her that chance. Have an open mind, not a made up one. You could be so happy with her changes that you will be glad you stayed. And think of your kids. They deserve to have both parents in their lives in a together marriage. Only you know though if this is possible. mlhb

James,

I have read through your posts and unless I missed it somewhere it appears you have never disclosed your unfaithfulness to your wife.

Wouldn't you consider that her #1 need so to speak...it's not specifically mentioned that way because IMHO it is presumed?

I am just guessing but I figure you have no intention of telling her...ever. You'll allow her to go on her way thinking this is all her fault. That she wasn't good enough for you. That her failure to meet your needs was the relationships downfall. You'll walk out of court with your 50/50 split plus shared child custody, you'll let your wallow in her regret, you'll let your children wallow in their mother's misery while you go off and start a new and exciting life. You'll be healthy happy Dad and she be bitter and resentful xwife. All because you lack the ability to tell her the truth about your emotional affairs.

In essence, you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain by telling your wife the truth about your infidelity. You've already lost your integrity by having the affair...it is only by revealling the truth and being repentent that you can get that back. Regardless if you divorce or not. I see you're an engineer. Well this is the formula for getting your life back...Tell your wife the truth and let the chips fall where they may.

This is from Low Orbit's post and you agreed with it wholeheartedly:


Having an affair is not an act of "desperation"...it is an act of a destruction. Their were obvious other alternatives available to you and although you didn't feel guilty for it (your words) you evidently aren't proud of it either. IMO, the affair was 100% your fault. I know that is difficult to accept cause I am a man of strong conviction myself and if I'd had an affair (which I easily could have before my wife and before MB) then I'd likely be as bull-headed as you on this issue.

When any spouse screws the other person ... they screw themselves...period. I'm sorry there is no way around it other than by being truthful and repentent. Then get your divorce if you must.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- If you do not take my advice because you fear how it will impact your divorce settlement and custody then at least tell her after the divorce and custody matters are all taken care of.

p.s.s.- If I am wrong...accept my apology...I am only trying to be of assistance to you.

I was not planning on posting anymore. Not because I did not like the replies I received. But because, I have done enough searching for an answer on this very confusing subject of relationships.

I have read Dr. Harley’s Basic concepts the first time I found this site. I identified with the “state of withdrawal”. It described where I am in my marriage.

But let me make one suggestion to some posters. Re-read Steve Harley’s basic concepts on occasion. He does not belittle peoples EN’s. He describes how not getting these met can lead to the end of a relationship. I always found this to be very common sensed.

So when some of you posters choose to take my needs, such as an attractive spouse, financial soundness, etc and make them sound petty and trivial, it makes it look like you do not know what you are talking about. It also sounds to me that you really do not know what pain, anguish, frustration, etc it can lead to when not addressed. Combine this with years and years and not much likelihood of any change, and you can easily see this leading to the “state of withdrawal”, loss of love for spouse, wanting to leave, etc etc.
Or should I say……….the state of ……….”I love you but am not in love with you”.

I suspect that some of these posters may have been cheated on because this is what you have inadvertently done to your spouse. My guess is that you still do not fully understand the other side of the fence because you have never truly been there.

I can take the criticism regarding cheating. I know it is wrong. But I do understand why it leads people to stray.

For the few that posted and understood my situation, I got a lot from your posts, so thanks.

James, the folks here do understand very well the importance of emotional needs. However, not even Dr Harley would ever assert that unmet needs are an excuse for adultery. There is simply no excuse for adultery.

I don't think folks were trying to minimize the damage frm not having needs met such as attractive spouse, etc, but only that the damage from adultery is far more damaging to a marriage. In comparison, they are like night and day.

I hope you find the courage to do the right thing, James. Your W needs to know that you are destroying your marriage behind her back. She may simply choose to leave the marriage, and that should be her right. I hope you don't add insult to injury and continue to lie to her about her life. She has a right to know.