Help...
My wife is having a mid-life crisis that started a few weeks before she actually turned 30 back in september of 05.

Let me start from the beginning.....

We were in the car going to meet some friends when she came out with a very strange statement... she said," Have you ever wanted to have sex with other people?" I was shocked! How could my wife ask that of her loving husband that does everything for her and has always been faithful!?

I didn't get mad or start yelling, I simply replied with," well... i think that all people have secret desires inside... the trick is not to act on them or hurt the other person." In short, she said that she has had sexual fantasies about men she knows and would like to act upon them...BUT...she wants me to know about it! basicly... for her to go and do it, then come home and tell me about it while WE have sex. And of course, she wants me to do the same.

I told her to let me "chew" on it and for her to tell me whom she is thinking about. She wouldn't, but after a period of time, I fiqured out whom it was. When I approched her about my thoughts, she confirmed it. It was a guy from her work that she claims to be her "good friend". I asked her why she wanted to do this with a friend and why even want to do this.... She said that she would only do this with someone she trusted and when she thought about me being the last person she has sex with... it "freaked her out!"

She said that she needed to have fun. That she missed the "newness" that came with a first-time sexual experience with another person.

As time went by, we had many fights about the subject and even came close to seperation. With all the fights and term-oil, she decided that what she had regreted what she had asked of me with this "idea". She has told me that she has never been unfaithful and wants me to understand that her and her "co-worker" are just friends and will never be more than that. I of course had trouble dealing with this and would re-play a thought in my mind about her and her co-worker in bed. This of course drove me mad and very unhappy.

This unhappyness started to really effect my work, my life with my wife, and our 2-year old little girl as well.

We tried to mend things by seeing a physcologist. This helped a little bit. But shortly after that...say about late November... I found something that broke my heart...

I was messing around with the pictures account online for our mobile phones and found something on her account that drove me mad. Her "co-worker" had recently sent a picture to my wife's phone of his penis!!! No message... just a picture.

I was at work when I found it. So I got in my car, drove to her work and confronted it to her. She said that she was mad at him for doing what he did and that he ment it only as a joke. I was very angry! she told me at that time that nothing had happened but she admits that he does find her attractive and she likes the attention that men and other people give her. (she is a beautiful women)

I acepted her apology and went back to work....

Now here we are in January... We have had another big fight this past weekend that almost ended in someone walking out. This time, I think I know what is the problem. My wife has told me that she possibly wants to leave in about a month. That she wants to give our relationship one last shot.

She has expressed that the life she built... the life that I have given her... is making her un-happy. That she wants to feel free. She told me that she was looking at cheap apartments this past weekend while I was at work and it made her feel happy. that all the "things" we have don't. That she is tired of having to "answer" to anyone and that she wants to live her "life" without borders.

I expressed that it would be hard on our baby, and that it would be horrible to end almost 4-years of marriage over wanting to be "single". I told her that all her "single" friends are letting her believe that being in your 30's and single with a child is not easy. I even asked her if she has been taking her medicine (she's manic-depressant).

Yesterday... She spent time with her close friend (women) with my little girl while I spent time at home alone. She came home around 7:00pm and told me she had a good day. That it felt good to feel that she could be with her friend with-out me getting mad that we didn't have our "family day".

I work all week... and although I do agree that peolpe need thier quite "alone time"... I mostly want to spend time with my wife and little girl. But it seems that my wife's alone time is more important to maintaine her happyness.

She came home yesterday, sat me down, and explained that after thinking all day... she feels that she is not running away from me, but running away from her life. The life she built that she feels she made mistake with. Meaning that she should have never "made me" all those times when I wanted to play on the computer, that she should have not "made me" be in the same room with her every waking moment when we were both home. And that she should have never "made me" to aggree to take care of the finances and the baby's daycare transportation, and everyother detail in our lifes.

You see... My wife is a control freak. She does not want you to control her, but she demends perfection and wants control over everything. She told me last night that being a perfection has caused her to be unhappy.

In February of 2005, I bought her the top-of-the-line Town & Country mini-van... complete with satalite radio, DVD, leather, the works... She wanted it... So I bought it for her.

NOW!... she told me last night that the van makes her feel "old" and just like a "mom". She told me that she doesn't like that she drives the "family car" while I drive the sporty Jeep Grand Cherokee. I reminded her that she made the choice. A year before I bought her the van, I bought her a Ford Explorer. So it's not like I "make" her drive poor, ugly cars. I always buy the best for my family.

So here I am today... going to take her to trade in her van for a Mini Cooper S. (her new a got to have it choice) this of course is going to be my purchase. I make way more money than her and more credit. She has none. She has only been in the states for 6 years. (she's from Latin America).

She also expained that she wants to live our own lives "together". That by her leaving, she would be happy, but why couldn't we be happy "together". She asked me last night why I can't except that fact that she wants to be with her friends some times and for me not to ask her to be home by a certain time. And that I should do the same.

But I have given up "dreams" of my life for her. I have quit my band (i'm a musician) to stay home and be her husband and a father. But it seems that no matter how I say it or act, it's not right or never enough. I feel that she would be most happy if I never questioned her actions and just "trusted her". but how can I with what I have learned.

She has expressed to me that she will never be unfaithful and that she will never go on "dates" or go "out" with her male friends alone. However... all last night I heard a lot of "I" and "my life" and "mine". It seems that the she is so "hung-up" on the freedom thing that I don't thing she really enjoys the marriage thing very much.

So people... what do I do??????

My heart feels broken with all the pain she has caused me. I want to keep my family together for my little girl and of course... I do love her. Will she grow out of this? When will "family" be important to her?

I feel lost and hopless.

She has gotten me so used to her being with me all the time, that if I'm not with her, I feel lonely. And I can't find happyness in anything else.

I'm 31, with a little girl that is about to turn 3, and a wife that is selfish and seems to be thinking of only of herself.

life isn't fair...

I think you should do a bit more investigating. She's having an affair or "freedom" wouldn't sound so great.

Check your computer and her cell phone records. Have her followed if you need to or follow her in a borrowed car.

Trading in her car for a "single" car- oh yeah, that's a sign that she wants to live like a single person.

Once you get information, talk to a lawyer and find out your rights. Then work on a good plan A or B here. There's great information on this site. I'm hoping some of the longtime MBers will chime in here since I'm fairly new.

I do have perspective into your situation though, because in my first marriage I was the cheating wife.

thanks for responding... I feel alone in this situation and I advise.

I have checked the computer and phone records, and I have found nothing that she hasn't told me about. I even have a ghost logger on both the desktop & laptop computers. so i have passwords to e-mails and other stuff...

found nothing...

My wife comes from an acoholic family and has told me that her "tough" childhood has made her tough to express feelings.

Last night... she told me that she loved me and that she would like to take a trip with me (just the two of us).

I think my wife is bi-polar.

i thought about having her followed... maybe she is just hiding it VERY well. You said you were the "cheater" in your first marraige...so why does someone cheat? even when I can someone like myself gives and has given SO much to the marraige and so much love.

My wife tells me that she feels trapped. That the world she has built feels like a jail. but yet...she does love me (so she says). but last night... she kept holding me close to her. I didn't want to move or say anything... cause i love her so much...

Tommy, perhaps it would prove beneficial to use a GPS device to track your wife's travels in her new car. (I can't believe you're going to take the financial bath trading in a one-year-old car for another, but I guess it's your choice.)

Here is Willingtowait2's thread on GPS trackers:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#2912934

Additionally, a small, voice activated tape recorder secreted under the driver's side seat or somewhere else might tell you something.

Don't depend upon cell phone records. Disposable, pre-paid cell phones or phone cards can be bought at any convenience store in San Antonio.

BTW, the fact that she wants to live separately...to find freedom...to discover herself. That is a red flag warning of possibility all by itself. It's right out of the handbook all of them seem to have and from which they spout phrases almost verbatim. I think your suspicions are well founded.

I'm in San Antonio also. My thoughts are with you.

Thanks Longhorn...

I think I will see what happens in a couple of weeks.
I'm going to train myself to "let her go" and move on emotionaly so I won't keep feeling the hurt and pain.

I think that if she sees that I'm "losing" care for her, her true feelings will come out. Maybe she thinks that she will never loose me since she feels that I'm in love with her.

Yea, that's a great choice, well planned and thoroughly thought through obviously, for an automobile when you have a two year old daughter to carry around.

Honestly?

Tommy, your wife is bored and feels trapped.

You are spending too much time trying to justify why she's being selfish and why she shouldn't be acting the way she is.

Her feelings are her feelings. Don't make them all about you.

She's said some good things...she wants a life with you, but wants to feel a little freedom and spontaneaity.

How can you help her? Giving her the Mini Cooper S isn't gonna get it. She wants YOU in that car with her. Be excited with her when she's excited. Talk to her about her feelings and fantasies without judging her. That's all she wants.

I don't think she really wants to DO all these things. She wants a sense of freedom from the structure of her life. This isn't such a terrible things.

What I wouldn't have given for my wife to have joined me enthusiastically on some of my silly jags. All I really wanted from her is to join me in some tabletop dreaming. Instead, shooting me down or "reminding me" of my responsibilities just told me she didn't really care about my feelings...only her security.

So I have to ask...why aren't YOU sending her sexy pics on the phone?

So, in the end...I think it is YOU who are behaving selfishly...

Low

Tommy:

I read over your posts just now..sounds like to me that your wife is having an affair and that you should try to expose this.

It's most probably the guy from work...her friend. I think this is a good place to start. Find out about him.

Track her whereabouts..their contact during the day.

Now is the time to MOVE TOWARDS her..NOT BACK AWAY...TO FIGHT LIKE A WARRIOR FOR YOUR MARRIAGE....

Don't focus on her childhood issues or her personality but on yourself. What is missing? Why does she not find you to be attractive?

Find yourself copies of HIS NEEDS/HER NEEDS and SURVIVING AN AFFAIR. Read up on PLAN A on this site...

She is sounding like a typical Wayward Wife....

Let us know what you can find out about this in order to begin the EXPOSURE..

A dik pic is sexy? Sounds too much like AFF.com to me.

Like most here, el, you're not looking past the surface. This is not about cars and pics...it's about an attitude of playfulness and freedom. An attitude of spontaneaity and unpredictability. Tommy can play this game and enjoy it if he so chooses.

Tommy, it sounds like you're emotionally detaching from your wife. That's ususally done in preparation for Plan D. If you've decided your wife and you can't reconcile your differences, that is your decision and yours alone.

However, you came here to marriageBUILDERS.com so I don't think the decision has hardened yet. Please consider using the precepts expressed by people here who have gone through what you are right now and have come out the other side with intact, loving marriages. It's NOT too late.

Oh, btw, without attributing this to anyone in particular, you will be able to tell some of the posters out here have gone off their meds way too soon.

I don't think an A is a foregone conclusion, mimi...I see alot of my pre-A thinking in how he's described his wife.

My wife's resistant and defensive attitude when I would talk about these "odd" things made me feel judged and alienated.

I did not need to be reminded of the obvious.

Low

Sure you are Longhorn, and if it makes you feel clever and smart to imply such thing, have at it.

I've been where his wife is...have you?

Perhaps, if dik pics are considered playfulness and freedom. I get what you're trying to say though, but it may be kinda hard for Tommy to "play this game". Would you yourself want to roll the dice if you saw another man's dik on your wife's cell phone? Seems to me he's working with an uneven "surface" when it's his turn to roll.

She's already told him she wanted to have sex with another man. How many players does this "game" allow?

Tommy
I think you should explore and become knowledgable with regards to the possible bi-polar. (same thing as manic depression).
Has she been diagnosed professionally?
As the Harleys have indicated, normal MB steps do not always help with those with a possible mental illness.
If this is the case and she has been diagnosed, then the best thing is to speak to her psycologist, or in conjunction with her psycologist.
Read up all you can on bi-polar.
Good luck

She's only talking at this point. The key is that SHE IS TALKING...she want to see how he's going to respond. She wants to see just how much room she has to explore her feelings inside the marriage. Can she do it without her H getting scared and running away?

If he tries to shut her TALK down, it will reinforce what she's already thinking...that she's trapped in amber with a stick-in-the-mud husband.

Instead, he has a chance to open this up...and find out what's driving this. Can she find what she REALLY seeking in the relationship? I'd bet that she's hoping she can. I think she wants a partner in adventure...even if that adventure is only talk and fantasy.

There is no sexual arena that spouse shouldn't be able to TALK about. Many men fantasize about being with two women. Does that mean we shouldn't be able to share that fantasy talk with our wife? These things are part of our innermost thoughts...being able to share them without recrimination is true intimacy.

Pickup, Schnarch's "Passionate Marriage". It cover this rather well.

Dear Tommy,

I don't think that your wife is having a mid-life crisis. It sounds like she's in a manic state. Sometimes bipolar people can cycle quickly if their meds need adjusting and she's probably avoiding that because it's such a nightmare to adjust meds.

In a manic state, people do things that they normally would not do. The manic state gives them a feeling that they can't be hurt. They crave excitement and danger. They are like a teenager that can't see the danger in what they are doing, whether it be the risk of STDs or a serious car accident. They become reckless.

I think that you are seeing a medical problem here. Under that is a personality issue and it needs desperately to be addressed in IC, but she needs to cover the medical bases at the same time.

I'm really sorry that you and your little girl are going through this. If she does leave, please don't let her take your little girl with her. She would not be safe.

Stillwed

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I don't see where Tommy's wife has asked for anything at all that would involve Tommy, apart from a passive voyeuristic role in her sexual adventure. She's not asking him to do anything with her; rather, all her fantasies explicitly exclude him. She's not expressing a restlessness for the marriage to have a different shape, she's pressing her case for the marriage not to limit her or restrict her at all.

I don't get the impression that snaps of Tommy's penis would interest her in the least.

TA

Look deeper, el...
Who's to say that cell phone pics aren't fun? That's not the point. The point is that Tommy can be the path to excitement for his wife. If that involves cell pics, then so be it. It's not for us to judge.

I'm not defending the OM behavior, or the W for the matter. I AM saying that this should be a wakeup call for Tommy.

Also, some have suggested bipolar. That's a possibility, especially in very bright overacheiver types. A good counselor would be a good idea for these kinds of people...even when they are feeling healthy.

Low

Lots and lots of speculation and no facts to work on. Tommy, you need to find out what is going on. Do you want help from the good folks out here in determining what she's up to?