AGG...et al.....

Here's my update, concise form. Let's see if it stays concise, lol.

I like my townhouse. YD flowed easily into the move, didn't affect her school or ability to contact friends, grades and communication great. I get a little discombobulated when she's gone on weekends for sleepovers or activities, but handling it okay. I've never lived "alone" my entire adult life, and for somebody who energizes strongly with people contact this is a new experience. In that respect, I'm not enjoying it. But I've started playing my piano again, and occasionally will get comfy on the couch with a movie I want to watch or make something I want to eat. Kinda nice not having to check with anybody else or compromise.

Ex-H is readily at hand for any service-oriented help I might request. Just last week, I had not one but TWO dead batteries...my car and YD's car. Wound up calling him for help though it really bugged me to rely on him. He was quickdraw mcgraw, efficient, and so NICE about it, it was upsetting. 'Course that's his love language, providing service. He calls me once or twice a week, or IMs, abrupt little communications that seem to go nowhere but he's obviously staying in contact with me. Last night he IM'd and admitted he still loves me, misses me, everything was all his fault, and he's sorry. I felt a little removed from thinking about it in light of the overwhelming incompatibility, but it was surprising...and a part of me does still love him too. Told him I just got tired of being pushed away. He said he knows.

First time out of the dating gate - sparks sparks sparks. I fell into bed with a guy, same night. Whoops. Er, it had been a year. Okay, my body still works, and exceptionally well with him. Great compatibility in bed, best I've ever experienced I do believe. Shared humor is right up there too, we laugh until we're weak. He's a wonderful cook. Heart twitters began to engage. Bass-ackwards, I then learn he's majorly problematic, long-term heavy drinking. Lovely. Well that just hauled all the good things I was learning about him over a cliff. I'm trying to disengage and MAN, it's hard. I utilize your mantra, AGG...quite literally daily...never settle never settle never settle. I haven't quite risen over the fence yet, but uttering it over and over keeps me clinging TO the fence.

He's, uhm...younger. So ANYway....

A match.com experience - nice guy who actually lives literally right down the street from me! - nice emails exchanged, a couple of phone calls, invite to a movie. Okay, that was great, nice/proper speed, he was a gentleman. No immediate spark but definitely friend material and something engaging about him. Beautiful eyes, his intelligence and wit are attractive, and he's a debater like me. Spur of the moment air hockey game after the movie, that was fun! BUT, once when he leaned over to me during the movie to whisper a comment, his breath about killed me. Argh. Chaste kiss goodnight, clothespin on my nose. He has a very young child...still assessing that situation.

Went out clubbing with a girlfriend Saturday night. Had fun, have missed dancing. But it was a longggggg night, I'm not up for that regularly any more, whew.

'Nuther match.com experience - Tom Selleck type, oldest man I've ever dated, 48. He jumped straight to requesting a phone call, we talked for 2-1/2 hrs. Met at Starbucks a couple of days later. No sparks but I recognize his good looks. I detected a bit of a Shallow-Hal mentality that turned me off. I mentioned that I was tired, would probably nap when I got home - he asked if I wanted to nap on his couch while he watched the play-offs. Uhm, no. We made no concrete plans to meet again.

Dat's about it, for now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Fell into bed? C'mon <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, you jumped! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Laura!!

It's wonderful to see you! You sound happy...

Just Hi... (((((Laura)))))

lol, ok, it WAS a technical jump up onto a tall poster bed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugs.

This had me rolling! Poor dude prolly doesn't know he killed it--literally <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I know we don't know one another, but I just have to say, I really enjoyed reading your update. You're a trip! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

DW

Laura, this in itself should tell you something <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. You are like my ex (which is a compliment, she is great woman) - but she never spent more than a month alone - and it shows in her choices. Er, wait, with the exception of me, of course <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. But other than that, when I met her, she just broke off an engagement, then we got married, then she had her affair, then we got divorced (with her still hoping to end up with her married OM), then she only dumped her OM when she found her current H. Sound familiar? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Anyway, I know that for ENF's it's very hard to be alone, but realize that your predispositions make you more predisposed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> to making, er, spontaneous, and, uh, poor choices...;). Such as:


Whoops...


Yikes...


Good girl, keep saying it!!!!!!!!!!

I like your other experiences much better, though still advise you to go real slow for a while... A Feeler like yourself can really fall for anyone who is nice to you (minus the bad breath), and there should be much much more to a relationship than someone being sweet to you.

So, keep us posted, don't hide <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, keep repeating my mantra, and take care of yourself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Good to see you post again, Laura <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Lucks...when did you divorce??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I thought you were still with your H? Weren't you just talking about him only a few months ago????

lol, thanks DW. I'll keep the stories a'comin'. My little diary of the dating jungle!

AGG - Your reply has me thinking. I understand what you're saying, don't fall into the needy abyss - but is there any reason it's a necessity to live by myself to BE a whole person? I think I AM whole. In different circumstances, I might live with family members or a roommate...and in divorce mode, I've had kids with me, though, gulp, won't be long until youngest flies the coop. I don't feel like I "need" a man to complete me, but I want to have that special person in my life. Wish I could remember the exact movie quote, but in Shall We Dance, the wife, played by Susan Sarandan, says she thinks we all want someone to be a witness to our lives. Struck me as a good way to describe it, although of course, we MB savvies know we're looking for deeper bonds.

aeri - I posted about the break-up, would be interested in your thoughts. Catch up, girl! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
The Break Up Post

Cool <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.


It's not a question of "living by yourself" - heck, I lived with my kids too. It's a question of living long enough without a partner, so that you can get to know yourself, your needs, your values, your boundaries, what makes you happy, etc. And yes, to learn to be happy on your own. If/when you can be truly happy on your own, then you can enter a healthy relationship with another - not because you need to, but because you want to.


That is the right attitude, but I feel that you do need a man to make you feel whole. You cannot be whole if you do not spend some time healing and growing, without being tangled up SO's. Every article on differentiation and codependency will say the same thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.


And as has been said, the deepest bonds come from knowing yourself.. And to know yourself, you must learn to be alone for a while.

AGG

Hi Laura!

Cruisin' by to try out my new sig line. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Okay, just for discussion purposes, do you feel that extends to all adults? Or is this really just a question for people who have suffered breakup(s). There are couples who met at very young ages and married, going straight from their family homes into their marital abode, and DID live happily ever after.

Did they experience living long enough without a partner?

Pulling from my eHarmony generated traits, it says:

You have to be with people. This extends into the need to gain popularity, achieve social recognition and influence those people around you. The "bottom-line" is a strong people orientation.

I can see how this tendency, or need, can be assuaged in ways OTHER than with a SO, but obviously I'm going to be happiest IN a relationship. Giving/sharing in a relationship of deep intimacy is even more satisfying that my tendency to also connect in less-intimate social settings. I so enjoy spending time with my brother - occasionally we'll venture out for concerts or special events, or just have lunch together. And my girlfriend, pal-ing around with her is great. My daughters, when we're sharing something, laughing and bonding, no better feeling in the world.

These traits of my eHarmony profile, don't they just scream MB concepts (i.e., gonna be happiest IN a relationship)? --

You are usually enthusiastic about activities and planning.

You are very respectful of the needs and wants of other people.

You are skilled at finding "win-win" solutions when conflicts arise.

You are generally good at cooling down tense situations in a relationship.

You are excellent at listening to your partner.

You are optimistic and tend to make others feel good about themselves.

You tend to enjoy life and share that enjoyment with others.

You tend to bring feelings of security and stability to a relationship.

I don't think I'm trying to skirt around work I need to do, but rather pinpoint for clarification. I believe I know myself and tend to be pretty flexible on things naturally. Really not sure it's a boundary issue of not knowing who I am/what I want. But I DO think I need to really concentrate on finding a SUITABLE partner who is going to compliment my happiness rather than suck it out of me...which takes time.

Am I making any sense? Thanks.

Hi Gayle! - nice signature line...(I hear you). I owe you an email...comin' soon!

Yes, but very few. More often than not, you hear the typical "I didn't know myself when I got married" line - a classic example of not spending enough time alone, growing and learning.




Yes, but when they say "you have to be with people", that is not necessarily a recommendation - it is an assessment. They are telling you where your personality is happiest - but at the risk of becoming codependent in a relationship. At the risk of opening a can of worms, look at your relationship with your last H - you jumped into it despite all the warning signs. I think that your need to be with people was somewhat at play there.


Yes, but again, I think only after you have chosen a healthy relationship with a healthy partner. You will do great with the right partner, because you are so relationship focused. But, there is nothing in your traits that says that you can have a good relationship with just any partner <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

That is why you need to spend some time on your own, to learn to be happy in your own company, and to be able to date men without trying to force fit them into Mr. Rights. There are numerous articles that talk about the importance of being healthy and healed before seriously dating - you can find them, or I can try to dig up some links. Bottom line is that I fell that your people-focused personality is actually an Achilles' heel in a way for you - you are very focused on making things work, even if the ingredients are not right. Just keep an eye on that.

Also, have a look at some of these pages, I think it applies to you (and to all of us, of course).

http://joy2meu.com/Healthy_Relationships4.htm

AGG

Thanks AGG. I will try to seek compatibility before I allow sparks to overtake me.

Another weekend of dating adventures, installment no. 2:

Match.com guy. Seemingly nice compatibility on paper, appealing pic. Several emails exchanged, three phone calls, dinner invitation. First look at him...ACK. Musta been the best darn pic he'd ever had taken and at just the right angle, 'cause to put it lightly, reality was very UNappealing to me. Ah well, he seemed nice enough, continued on with dinner although I did consider saying instead, thank you for meeting but this isn't going to fly, I tell you now rather than you spending money on my dinner...or a solid dutch treat handling or something...I was a little slow on my toes and didn't. During dinner, he rattled on about his ex-wife's affair and getting PREGNANT by affair-partner...ok, note the dwelling on ex-wife even if he WAS attractive to me.

I thanked him for dinner and his company, enjoyed, left it lightly at that, and emailed him a short thank you note when I got home. Just being polite, he DID drive to my town and pay for dinner...and I suppose a like-able enough guy. Well, this morning I checked my email, and lookie what was waiting:

good morning Sweetheart!!!!
i have been thinking about you all night, and all this morning. i have told many members of my family about you. they are happy for me! they do not want me to hurt anymore, and are only concerned for my happiness. i have told them that i love you, and i am going to bring you here very soon.
it is 9:43 Sunday morning here. i have just started my coffee, and as soon as i am done writing you i will be making breakfast. today i have to go get some dressers and a new bed for billy Joe. also the Pittsburgh steelers are playing the Denver broncos today. we are going to a cousins house to watch the football game.
well i just wanted you to know that i am thinking of you, and that I LOVE YOU!!!!!!! soon my love, you will be packing your things, to start your new life with me! i cannot wait, i am soooooooooooooooooo excited, and happy!!!!!!!!!!!! soon you will be in my arms..............FOREVER!!!!!!!! i will love you with all my heart Irina, i do love you with all my heart!!!!! we will be so happy together my love! tell your mum and dad i said hello, ans send my best wishes. they should also know, that they have my word, that i will take very good care of their daughter. Irina, i love you, i love you, i love you, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!! i scream this for all the world to hear!
i better go, i have much to do. i will talk to you soon. i have to work tomorrow, and Tuesday, but i will write you everyday. i love you.
all my love,
A.F.E.
billy

Uhm. 1) He didn't like me either and it was a blow-off guaranteed to send me screaming for the hills? 2) Who the heck's Irina and did he simply send to the wrong email addy? 3) He's a nut and I need to be frightened?

SITUATION NO. 2 (for the weekend). Friend mentioned guy "just perfect" for me, said she'd talk to him. I got an email w/pic attached Thursday. Hmm, well he's batting "just perfect" in the looks category - however, see prior situation, pics can be deceiving. We chatted online, a couple of phone calls. A somewhat interesting twist, in that he's attended a few socials. I rather liked that I could be speedily direct and honest about my prior swinging experience, that I loved the parties still but do not swing. He said he too had experience in the past, loved the socials, for just that, socializing...said he was in the dating market for a relationship. I did mention that my girlfriend and I would be at specific dance bar Saturday night. He happily agreed to a look-see.

He text-messaged me at the club, babysitting problems during his visitation. (Hmm, gonna step out during visitation rather than just schedule something another time? Maybe a red flag, maybe not.) Was still trying to make it, asked how long we'd be there. Ah well. Girlfriend and I weren't interested in staying to the "bitter end," we just drove back home. He found me online and asked if he could call and explain. Sure. DURING the call, he was chattering about people he's met at the socials, who did I know that he knew, etc. Mentioned one woman I've known for years...he said he'd taken her out but no intimacy.

I asked if my smoking was okay, he said he didn't but tolerated it. Then almost conspiratorially, he said mutual friend smoked in bed, that was dangerous! Uhm. I asked the obvious - no intimacy yet you know she smokes in bed? Silence. He said, "Well." Silence. He continued, "Nevermind." Silence. He ended, "I'm going to bed now, have a good evening."

Another strike for Match. A strike for friend referral.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, last week my (most recent) Ex-H had been IMing with more earnest. He loves me, misses me, and it took this time for him to realize just how much. Worked up to asking me to dinner last Friday. I cut to one crux with lightening speed, great, can we go bowling too? Response was BOWLING? I said yes, I recall a few other problems we had besides yours, let me know if you plan on addressing THEM....

The next day, I got a short email: "Hey, like your profile on match.com." I could just hear the accusation in the typed words. I haven't responded, doubt I will, blocked him from IMing. Geez, we're divorced for some pretty glaring reasons OF which he consistently refused to address, and now he's mad that I'm venturing into dating land? I figure he can stay mad but I don't have to hear it.

I see your 'rushing to date'(?) good just for... collecting material for a (tragicomic) book about dating <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, if I could make some money from it! lol

Doesn't feel like rushing to date after separate beds for a whole year prior to divorce.

Comparing to what's selling nowadays, and with your smooth writing style, I'm sure you'd profit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, look at the bright side, Laura. With a guy like this, it's a good thing you woke up at home the next morning, instead of being found buried in a shallow grave by the side of the road... What a nutcase... I vote for a response along the lines of:

I know, Bubba, I can't wait for you to come get me and bring me home to Mother so we can get married tomorrow!! All my love as well!!!

Or not...


Smooth, ya gotta give him some credit for quick thinking. Or not...


These are always good, to remind us why we are divorced <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Anyway, as far as the book on bad dates, get in line <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I have been told more than once that with all my experiences, I have a best seller on my hands. Or, we can all collaborate, it'd be hilarious.

AGG

Just be thankful it isn't you! Thanks for sharing that - I found it funny yet truly horrifying <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />.

LOL, AGG, I sure thought something quite similar. Ya know how my brain works, I'll consider many amusing response options before usually selecting a nicer handling.

Book collaboration, we must discuss this. We could make a mint!

You're welcome AFS. Makes ya wonder about people!

Wait - you're displacing me with AGG??? How dare you. You promised to collaborate with me.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Jan

Personally, I think you need to slow down and take time to recover and regroup.