Some of you may remember my situation, but in just in case.
WW had A with my sister's H for the last 2 years. D-Day was 24-Sep-05. NC was immediatley established due to the fact that I exposed to EVERYBODY.

I have been reading this site since 12 days after D-Day and know that WW is in a fog and it is still kinda thick.

My problem/issue is that I have listened to her and made drastic changes in myself which means I realize what EN's I wasn't meeting and that sort of thing. I know that we are only four months into recovery, but I feel that she should be coming out of the fog somewhat by now. I feel that she has NO physical attraction towards me at all, there is NO SF and I am growing tired. I feel like a [email]d@mn[/email] meal ticket and can't seem to make her understand this.

Today we had lunch together and talked about some issues. She stated that she need to talk to him one more time to get past this. I have tried with all I have to make her understand that NC is essential and it will solve nothing to speak to him. Plus my Sister might lose it and hurt her.

What on earth is going on with WW? What could she possibly have to say to him that is so important? The only thing I can think of is that he revealed to my sis, so the A was stopped on a dime. Anyway, I am about to throw in the towel here and need some encouragement or advice.

Thanks,
Ken <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I don't think you guys are in recovery yet I think she is still in withdrawl. Have you been to MC? Have you talked to SH? Is NC in place? Has she totally disclosed details of A?Do you believe she understands the effect of A on you and family? Does she understand why A happened?

Keep posting you'll feel better.

No MC, WW does not see a benefit in it.

NC was established immediately due to the fact that is was with a "family" member.

Yes, she has disclosed the details of the A to me, as did my sisters H to her....my sister and I compared notes.

I don't believe that she fully understands the the impact of what has happened here. Our DD gave WW a pretty hard time a few days ago about this, as even she at 11 years old see's the impact of this devestating mess. I really thought that would wake WW up a little bit, but I guess not.

Just because he is a family member, that does not mean that there is NC. Obviously they figured out a way to sneak around before, and hide from everyone. They could have private cell phones that they use to talk still. I am not trying to scare you, it is just important for you to really looka t all the possibilities.

Her need to "talk to him one last time" is the same old standard "I want closure" line. I don't get it either - what is the point? It is a common issue among WS's here. That somehow talking to the OM will miraculously make her feel better.
Frankly, I think it is possilbe that this "One last conversation" may be the chance to ask him flat out if he would be willing to ditch his wife, and run away with your wife. Her moodiness may be linked to this thought process in her mind that says "Maybe he is waiting for me to call him, perhaps he wnats to run away together, if I could just talk to him 1 more time I will know if it is truly over or not".
It would be so much healthier for her to reach a point where she says "I don't care what he is thinking - I need to do the right thing here for my family, my DD, my H, my sister-in-laws family, I need to build a better R with my own H, and quit worrying about OM.

what books have you read?
What activites are the two of doing together just for fun?
Has she given you any insight as to what emotional needs you have not been meeting?

This is exactly what I can't seem to make her understand.

I am sure that NC is in place, I don't feel that he wants anything else to do with WW, she was a toy to him and nothing else. He seems to be remorseful and making every effort to reconcile with my sister.

I do feel the same as you....I think she wants to make sure that he doesn't want to be with her, which makes me feel even worse. I don't however want to feel like her second choice in life and this is getting me down. Thanks for putting it straight and to the point..

I have read no books at this time. I just spend alot of time on this site and this forum. I find it very helpful.

Nothing. She just wants to hear his voice again.

Does she understand why NC is needed? Most WS do not at start. As for MC... definitely. Mention to her that if she is serious about recovery then she will at least try MC to prove her commitment to you and your marriage. She can make up any excuse she wants as to why she won't go but it's usually fog related reasons.

"It won't help."
- "Then it won't hurt"

"I don't want to talk to some stranger."
- "Then just be there and listen."

"I'll be fine without MC."
- "But I need us to go so that I can also be fine."

There's always a turn-around for whatever excuse they come up with.

Hopeful,

I appreciate the advice retort answers....

I am sure that she wants to hear his voice again, but I would like to see my nephew sometimes, I would have liked to see my family on Thanksgiving and Christmas (all together) but that could not happen.

K,

I think I remember your story. For someone who was in an A for 2 years it could easily take 6 months or longer to get through withdrawl. Depends on how deep the A was emotionally.

Once she gets through withdrawl you will find it is easier to get her to MC.

So very true...As a FWW that has come out of the fog, I can tell you that she just wants/needs her "fix" right now...She may not even know why she wants to talk to him herself...it's an addiction...doesn't matter whether OM's response would be positive or negative, it would still satisfy that desperate need for the all consuming desire for the "fix"...She won't see it this like this yet, btw, so it won't do much good to educate her...If she has contact of ANY kind it will just draw out the withdrawal process and make matters worse for both of you...Chin up though, the longer NC remains in place, the better things will become...indifference to OM comes with time...

Do you think that you could get her to read and post here? What about phone counseling with the Harleys? A lot of times it is difficult for the WS to go to face to face counseling for fear of condemnation...no one likes to be the bad guy...maybe something to consider...

Best,

Mrs. W

I talked to WW last night about why she felt she needed to contact OM and her reason was this.....

She likened it to not speaking to someone before they die. No closure. I told her that I felt that there was no need to speak to him and that she could not move on if she did begin to speak with him again. I don't know if it helped her to understand or not.......but I tried

In her current frame of mind... no. It will make sense to her when she comes out of the fog.

That is what I thought. I think it will take her longer to come out of the fog than I may be able to deal with. I intend to hang in there as long as I can though.

I just can't understand how WW can say she wants to stay with me, but at the same time have feelings for him. I know you have heard this probably a million times on here, but I feel like the second choice or last resort. She has lost her little fantasy fling and now wants to settle back into the life before, like nothing ever happened.

Well at least she talked to you before she contacted him; she is seeking your imput.

Really, if she has an all-encompassing need to contact the OM she will find a way to do it. You can't control another person.

She seems to be seeking your approval for contact, and I certainly wouldn't give it.

How are you going to handle not seeing your sister and your nephew? Is this boy close to your daughter?

What a mess.

CN,

There is NO way I will give her approval to contact him. I see no reason for her to ever speak to or see him again.

I am having a very hard time not seeing my sister or nephew, we used to hang out over there all the time..totally unaware of the A.

Yes my daughter has made many comments to WW about her not being able to see her cousin. She is mad as ****** at her mother for what she has done. At the age of 11 she sees the total devestation that this has caused.

My DD told WW that she has ruined alot of things for her, specifically her birthday party, since they will not be coming to it. She is very upset about it.

You are right...stick to your guns. If she wants closure she can write a NC letter and give it to you to mail or give to your sister to pass on.

A NC letter from WW would only contain questions, which would lead to more contact I think. But I will say that I seriously think he would not reply to anything she had to say or any questions she had. She was merely a toy to him....

NC letter should not ask ANY questions. It simply states that she loves her family and wants to save her marriage and she requests no further contact.

The problem with true NC is that it can not be forced. You can monitor it. But if WW wants to make contact she will find a way. She is still in withdrawl. It is very encouraging that she TOLD you about the desire to talk to OM. This is a good thing, enc it.

I see your point that it is a good thing that she told me or her desire to talk to him. I never thought of it as a good thing simply because I took it as another slap in the face so to speak.

I have to say that asking her to write a NC letter when she told me she wants to contact him seems hipocritical. Do you understand what I mean?

More like an oxymoron. The NC letter can also be signed by you. Most NC letters from WS are too soft and really don't have the impact that is intended. Whatever is written should be agreed by both of you. Keep it simple and to the point. Don't leave any grey that may be taken as an opportunity by the OM, but don't be hostile either.

Let me understand something here please.

If I am positive that he has no desire to contact WW, is the NC letter meant more for mine and WW's peace of mind then?

I am leary as to how my sister would react to an NC letter, but I think I might discuss it with her. Is that a good idea? My sis and I are in no way upset with each other, in fact we compared notes when all was being revealed.