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A few months ago, my husband told me our marriage was over. He gave several dumb excuses. When I asked him if he was dating anyone, he said no but that he was going to start dating. After a week or two, I asked him again and he said he went to dinner with a woman a few times. I believe that he left me to be with this woman and ended our marriage before he started dating her seriously so that he could say he was not cheating. My question is - Is this cheating and having an affair? He doesn't seem to think so since he has never contacted me since.
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LilyGrace -
Are you stil married?
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Yes, but he filed for a divorce about 2 months after telling me it was over. He said he was going to wait until the end of the year so we could file our income taxes jointly.
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Yes of course it is cheating.
Married is married. You can't just wish it away.
~ Pain is a given, misery is optional ~
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I saw this quote in someones siggy line.....
What is cheating? If you wouldn't do in front of your spouse, then it is cheating.
Something along those lines, but you get the point. If he was doing it behind your back, then he was cheating.
That is my simplistic way of looking at it.
Do you mind my asking why the actual definition is important? I am not trying to be rude, I just want to understand.
me (who is fairly new here, but would like to help and get help)
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Lily, yes your husband is having an affair and I would wager that he was having this affair for some time before he left. This is likely the reason he left. Let me guess, he said that "I love you, but am not in love with you.." and other classic affairee statements?
Who is the woman he is seeing? Do you want to save your marriage?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Steve Harley has been quoted as having said "An affair is what your spouse thinks it is."
But this isn't rocket surgery. He's cheating because you aren't divorced. Separated is still a state of marriage. He left so he could rationalize that you weren't married (or perhaps so he could lie 2 the OW and have her believe that he's not).
-ol' 2long
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I asked because I don't believe my STBXH sees it as cheating. I think he feels that since he and I were seperated for a year, it is not cheating. During our seperation, we were still seeing eachother and trying to work things out. There were periods where we would not talk for a week or two, and then we would make up again. However, this happened regularly. Since the time he said it was over, I really and truly believe he thinks it is okay to get involved with another woman since he ended our marriage and filed for a divorce. He told me that our marriage had been over for a long time. I guess I just don't understand how he could think there is nothing wrong with this. I am also trying to make sense of it all!
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Lily, I think he knows its cheating but is trying the fact that he left for this woman. And he may well believe that it doesn't count as cheating if you are seperated. But is it cheating and I would strongly suspect the affair was going on for some time before he left.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, he did say I love you but I am not in love with you. He also sent me an email two days after telling me it was over. He said that he would like the key back to his house and that he would like me to respect his privacy and that he would respect mine. I don't believe at the time he said that he was dating the other woman. I think he met her and they were talking. However, I do think he ended it so that he could be with her and to tell her that he and I were not together any more. Otherwise, I do not believe he would have left. He is the type of man that always has to have a woman in his life. It just blows my mind how quickly he dumped my butt the minute someone showed some interest in him. It makes me feel like I was garbage! It also blows my mind that he can rationalize this type of behavior.
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Lily, did you move out of your own home?? Any children? How long married?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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