I dont know what I'm asking from the MB board... any thoughs are welcome. If nothing else, I guess I'm just venting...

Know what happened this morning? I found out that the reason my secretary hasnt been to work for two days wasnt that she was sick, but that she got beat up by her BF this weekend and her eye is swollen shut. I told her to call the police and go the the Dr (I'm sure she didnt).

After I hung up with her, I just got so upset. I cried on the way to work this morning. I'm furious that I care about her more than she does. I feel so duped for getting attached to someone so messed up. I knew she was messed up, but I guess I thought she was better off than that. This morning all I could think was 'She's so stupid, I hate her'. I think that's an odd reaction.

I called her mom/step-dad and told them (she lives with them but has her own entrance and has been hiding from them), but I'm OUT of this, now. Why is it that I feel so betrayed? She's so smart, so funny, but she wont get help (raised by two alcoholic parents who beat her, standard Adult Child of Alcoholc's crap. Her mom has since quit drinking but is pretty unhealthy, herself).

I tried to help her in many ways (friendship, books, articles, offered to pay for counceling). She kept blowing me off, so I pulled back. She'd never been beaten before, but I knew he was an abusive looser.

I shook for an hour this morning. I could cry again, right now. I cant believe how this has affected me. My dad didnt beat my mother, but both my brother and myself were regularly beaten. I went to school more than a few times with bloody lips or nose, and had to make up stories. I guess that's where this is coming from.

Not a thing in the world I can do about it. It's so terribly frustraiting. I'm going home now and gonna hug my H... I hope everyone is having a decent day! - Dru

In some states, they will jail the person and do the research then go to trial even if the person that was abused won't report, and won't press charges. If this is true in your state, you can report it and make a difference.

I am sorry for her, and for you that you have to cope with these once dormant feelings.

It's hard to know what to say, it's hard to give emotional support for things like this that hit us so hard and are so difficult to cope with.

Huggs to you, and to her also.

SS

A couple of thoughts if I will. I deal with spousal/domestic abuse almost every 3rd weekend a year, so I feel confident in giving an opinion on this.

Your thoughts and feelings (even betrayal and anger at the abusee) are ALL 100% completely normal.

Your post is almost eerily identical to that said to me from countless members of an abused woman's family members.

This was in all likelihood NOT the 1st time she was beaten. ALmost certainly not.

While I can emphathasize with your anger, I can also assure you that being angry with her will NOT make her do the right thing.

You should offer help and support as you have done, but realize that sadly enough, it takes alot of abuse for a woman who lives with this abuse to leave. She wants to leave, but (like MANY BS here who are continually cheated on), she thinks in her mind that a large part of his abuse was becasue she made him made. He has become a master manipulator, and no doubt professed deep sorrow after he beat this $hit out of her this past weekend. He probably reeled her back in after the abuse, and she is probably in a "recovery" high with him now, and he is changing and professing his love for her and devotion to her. There was probably alot of love making and sorry's and I love you's this weekend after the "incident".

I cannot even begin to describe to you the utter trajedy of women who continue to stay with an abusive partner. You wouldn't believe it if I told you. This is a very sore subject with me, and I can tell you, that it usually has devestating consequences before true healing (removal of abuse) begins. Anything sound familiar to you here?

The abuse she is suffering is almost like an "addiciton" to her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat.....

Believe it or not, she partly believes that she is responsible for alot of the abuse..."If only I wouldn't make him so mad, if only I didn't leave the sink dirty with dishes" "I know he loves me, why can't I make him happy"...."I have to try harder".

Often times, we cannot help those people who can't help themselves. Despite out best intentions, we can't.

I have been driven to nearly losing my medical license because of the intense almost uncontrollable desire to smash the face of an abuser.....you know what? The rinse repeat cycle usually repeats, and the woman is back in the ED with another "fall off the ladder" or another "trip over the steps"...ofcourse all with the comfort of her loving partner by her side <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I just want to validate your feelings. I feel and understand your frustration...almost too much. It is almost easier for me to operate and lose a patient on the table than "release" a woman who is battered back to her H/BF...

So sad.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi Dru,

I am sorry to hear about your friend.I agree with what Lem said and also,it's my opinion that all anger stems from a source of pain.Perhaps for you,it's being angry at this friend because,having been abused yourself and healed or got on with your life,it's hard for you to witness someone else go through all that and not "see" what you do already.So you get mad at her for not seeing what you do,not knowing the right way to get help or get away,etc.So you in turn feel helpless and in turn frustrated.

It is very sad though.Like lem,I too have dealt with abused women before.There's a special kind of mentaility they have that precludes them from making appropriate and healthy choices.In this instance,it's getting away from this abusive man forever.

I would say try to continue to support her if you can.I can appreciate you might be too emotional to see her and spend time with her but she could use friends now and hopefully one day soon she will finally make some good choices where she won't be hurt anymore.If you can't do that I understand.It's hard to be close to someone who is in chaos(alcoholics,adulterers,drug abusers,etc).

Anyway,I hope she will be ok and and you too.

O

Be there to listen. I went through more than 8 years of no one knowing about the abuse -- no one -- so the fact that you found out (she told you?) means that she is reaching out. In my case, learning of his affair was something I couldn't handle, and that's when I revealed the abuse. It was the start of my realizing I wasn't responsible. The less you say, and the more you listen, the more likely she will come to the realization that she is not responsible.
Cherished

Dru,

My heart aches for you and for her. Please don't feel bad about your reaction. I think all of your feelings are perfectly understandable.

One thing I've heard that might be of help: When talking with/listening to victims of abuse, do not verbally bash the abuser. Do not put him down in any way. The more you do, the more she will feel compelled to defend him. The more she defends him to you, the more she will believe her own words -- no matter how ludicrous they are.

Hugs to you and her...

--SC

She may not see a way out, a path. You can be there to help build her up. The abuser rarely starts out that way, but works on their victim by slowly tearing them down, then they feel entitled to hit them...it comes as no surprise to either.

She has listened to his divel for so long she has beleived it. It is the way an abuser controls their victim.

What can you do? Strengthen her. Give her support in the way of helping her strengthen herself...helping her feel strong and preparing her for leaving.

I dated a guy for a short time while I was playing the field. He was not one of the guys my spinner landed on finally, but I saw him at a party a year later...he dragged his GF over and showed me the ring he had bought her, they were getting M.

About 5 years later I started work with a lady and we found out we had this GF in common. She said she helped her get out of that abusive M and she is doing fine now.

Fast forward 5 more years a friend calls me and tells me this man moved back to his hometown in PA, married his HS sweetheart and one night killed her and himself...

He didn't seem abusive to me while I was dating him. I think about how easily it could have been me...I could have slipped into that life...I think anyone of us could have. (Caution inflammatory TJ talk...)
Think of the abuse we are willing to put up during an A and how most of us here want to stick it out...because of history, children, etc... (Of course present company excluded Lem...)

You guys are awesome.

Lem, I dont know how you do it, but thank you for working ED. I cant imagine how you restrain yourself time and time again. And thank you, it's good to know I'm not a fruitloop. I was just so surprised at my reaction. Yes, she's probably been beaten by him before, I'd just not seen the marks. Years ago, she'd mentioned to me that he'd shoved her and tried to strangle her, so I knew he was dangerous.

He doesnt live with her, he dumps her for a month or so when she gets too needy, she takes him back every time. So it's not like she cant see a way out, she's out and invites him right back in! You're so right, it'd be so much easier to deal with a bad car accident than this.


You and I steam at the same MB threads... Once people prove than cannot run their own lives, why cant a guardian be appointed? I just want to say 'sit down, shut up, and let me fix this!'. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me, Lem. I'm sorry you have to deal with this so often. I hate that this is still such a common problem. With all the trouble in my Springeresque family, there was no spousal abuse. This is the first time I've been exposed to this.

Cherished, she'd have never told me if she didnt have to. I pushed her to tell my why she was out, and she wouldnt be able to hide the eye at work. She was hiding from her parents, too. As this guy is a long time looser, I'm sure she's totally humiliated. They did take her to the Dr. last night, so I'm glad I told them. I dont know if they made her report it or not.

OctG, I am too emotional right now, I do have to pull back. SS, SmartCookie, and SHMI, I will keep my anger and thoughs about her BF to myself. She knows I think he's scum, no need to repeat. I got her family involved, I'm going to let them deal with her. She knows I'd be supportive, she knows all she has to do is say the word, there's just not anything else I can do.

Thank you all for responding, and all the kind thoughts. It was more than I expected, and I am grateful - Dru

Well Dru, I must say you really just made me chuckle.

I am sitting here in my office (on my administrative/education day...yeah <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />) reviewing another manuscript that we are submitting for publication to a trauma journal. I am elbows deep in paper work, journals and review articles everywhere strewn accross my desk, 12 messages/"post it's" awaiting reply, 10 emails unanswered, cold coffee on the desk...I am irritated as all he**....yet, when I read your characterization above, I just chuckled......perhaps it will be our "inside" joke.

I am going home....enough of this.

Take care

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Dru,

Please give her a copy of the following article. It probably will not help, the abusee is almost as ill as the abuser, hence the oft written about dynamic,

Abuser Stockholm Syndrome

Drucilla -

As a former battered woman - my boys' dad was extremely abusive, I think the best you can do is voice your opinion that this is abuse, and she doesn't deserve it.

I tried to hide the abuse because I was so embarrassed that someone who loved me, beat me. Of course my friends, workmates and neighbors knew. A woman can just have so many "accidents".

My last straw was when I took my 2 year old to the emergency room for a croup attack. I had asked my husband not to smoke while son couldn't breathe and he slapped me and punched me in the eye.

While doctor was treating my son, he asked me what why I had a black eye. I told him that I slipped and fell against the refrigerator. He remarked that I also had a hand-print welt on my face. He gave me numbers to call for a shelter.

The shelter was full when I called, but I called up where I used to work and asked for my job back. I bided my time for 2 weeks and while WH was at work, I packed up my kids, 2 birds, and cat, our clothes, and drove from San Francisco to Oceanside - 8 hours.

I left on a Friday and went to work on Monday. I stayed with a friend until I could get my own place.

My point is that battered women DO leave. But it usually takes 7 or 8 times of being hit and people noticing.

Hi Lem,

Glad I could make you chuckle. I know what you mean about paperwork coming out your ears as my secretary has been out all week!! Shoot me!

Believer, that's so horrible about your exH. How does a man do that, the first time? My H said 'I cant imagine what it would take for me to haul off and hit a woman. I really cant.'

Cy and Believer: it's so infuriating, she does not live with this man. He takes off for weeks at at time then shows up again. There's no one to 'leave' as she has her own place (the MIL house at the back of her mom's house). She pays her bills AND some of his, so it's not a money issue. He owes her about $1000 and his cell is in her name because his credit is so messed up.

She told me she was an OP for like five years before this guy. She's so unhealthy, she might actually do worse if she did loose this guy. There is so much therapy needed and despite all I've told her, she thinks it will not do any good.

And I cannot tell you how bright she is. She keeps 100 things in her mind, runs my business like a top. She's obsessive/compulsive, while very sad, it's a wonderful trait to have in an assistant. (bad me...)

She's in today, acting all bright and cheery - her eye's 10 shades of blue. I just told her I hope she's feeling better. Thank you all, again! - Dru

He probably shows up on her paydays. That is usually the pattern.

We just had a sad case here in Southern California. A married woman with a 2 year old got a restraining order because her husband beat her. She just got it lifted in October so they could "work on the marriage". He killed her in December, beat her and shot her. Yep, the cops said he was "very remorseful".