Does the "I Love You, but I'm Not In Love with You" become "I Love You" soon after FWW gets over OM? FWW says that she cares very much for me, but does not love me like a wife should. She does not spend time talking to OM much any more, however she still works at the same location; hopefully that will change soon!

While she's having withdrawals and/or getting over feelings for him, she wont think she loves you in that way. Definately good idea to change jobs if she has any possible contact with him at current job.

Once true NC is setup, took about 3 months for me to finally see my wife come out of the fog.

Secondbest, during the “fog” and withdrawal, I felt very confused about my feelings for FOM and started questioning my feelings for my H. At the time, I was also thinking “I love my H, but is not in love with him”. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> As I’ve said, this was all part of the “fog”, withdrawal and also my own lack of knowledge and understanding about the nature of love and the differences between infatuation; “falling” in love and mature love in a M. At the time, I didn’t understand how it could be possible to develop such deep “in love” feelings for another man while still loving my own spouse… I thought it couldn’t be possible to have feelings for two men at the same time and therefore I thought there must have been something "missing" or wrong with the way I felt towards my own H. However, I have read and researched a lot on this topic and discovered the following (it will also give more insight from the perspective of a FWS):

People and especially WS’s often confuse real, stable & mature love (which can only be obtained through a long, committed relationship like a M) with the first stages of immature, puppy love when people “fall” in love and when hormones and chemicals are running high – which generates feelings of lust & infatuation towards the person. These are 2 completely different types of love (mature & immature) and many people often expect to always have those “in love” feelings for their partner. They think something is wrong with the M if those euphoric feelings wears off. When the WS then get involved with someone else and experience those early stages of love & feelings again, they start to say to their spouses: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I thought the same thing during and after my inappropriate involvement, but I have learned; grown up and realized that I was indeed “in love” with my dear H, but just in a more mature way.

To explain this better: Dr Phil once said there is a difference between “falling” in love and “being” in love... He said spouses don’t stop to love each other, but instead, love transforms and develops into something more mature and stable. To use his exact words: The partner in a long & committed R became the soft place to fall. This is so true. My H is indeed my soft place to fall. He is the only one who knows ALL about me: he knows all my strengths & weaknesses, he knows the beautiful parts about me and the ugly parts; he knows me on by “down” days and my “good” days, but he still loves me and accepts me just the way I am, with ALL my faults and flaws. This is wonderful and I’m sure your W will realize this too soon after her “fog” and worst symptoms of withdrawal will start to disappear. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The following is from a website link and very insightful:


Therefore, often the problem with foggy WS/FWS’s is their ideas about love and the true meaning of mature love in a M.

Your W needs to realize it is not possible to always have & maintain that “high” feelings of “in love” like when you first enter a relationship, especially not in a long term & committed relationship like a M… One or other time in a relationship that feelings wears off and transforms and develops into something more mature and stable.

Here is something about the different "stages" in a new relationship and how brain chemicals play a role in all this:

[color:"blue"] Stage 1: LUST
Lust is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and oestrogen. Testosterone is not confined only to men. It has also been shown to play a major role in the sex drive of women. These hormones as Helen Fisher says "get you out looking for anything".

Stage 2: ATTRACTION
This is the truly love-struck phase. When people fall in love they can think of nothing else. They might even lose their appetite and need less sleep, preferring to spend hours at a time daydreaming about their new lover.

In the attraction stage, a group of neuro-transmitters called 'monoamines' play an important role:

Dopamine - Also activated by cocaine and nicotine

Norepinephrine - Otherwise known as adrenalin. Starts us sweating and gets the heart racing

Serotonin - One of love's most important chemicals and one that may actually send us temporarily insane

Stage 3: ATTACHMENT
This is what takes over after the attraction stage, if a relationship is going to last. People couldn't possibly stay in the attraction stage forever, otherwise they'd never get any work done!

Attachment is a longer lasting commitment and is the bond that keeps couples together when they go on to have children. Important in this stage are two hormones released by the nervous system, which are thought to play a role in social attachments:

Oxytocin - This is released by the hypothalamus gland during child birth and also helps the breast express milk. It helps cement the strong bond between mother and child. It is also released by both sexes during orgasm and it is thought that it promotes bonding when adults are intimate. The theory goes that the more sex a couple has, the deeper their bond becomes

Vasopressin - Another important chemical in the long-term commitment stage. It is an important controller of the kidney and its role in long-term relationships.[/color]

As your W need to realize, one or other time the couple will move to the "attachment" stage and then the other feelings will wear off. I don't say feelings of passion, romance etc. in a M will necessarily go away (it will depend on the partners willingness to work on the romantic side of the M and fulfill each others most important EN's and not taking each other for granted), but still, it's unrealistic to expect that feelings to stay the same as during the first stages of the relationship.

Things will also start to get better as soon as your W can move to another location and stop ALL contact with OM. As long she is still in some sort of contact with him, she will remain in the “fog” and will not be able to complete withdrawal.

Hope this post has helped to give insight,
Suzet

Thank you for your support. These are the explanations and definitions that I was looking for; forwarded them to FWW. She says that she read the posts, but didn't commant about them. Said she didn't remember what she read.