I posted this on the in recovery board, but wanted to get more thoughts.

It has been six months since D-Day 2, and everything is going well. I am confident my wife isn't and won't cheat again, but the last few days have been tearing me to pieces. To recap my wife had multiple affairs/ONS over an 18 month period, mostly whiel I was stationed overseas. In total she had sex with over 10 men. I know she has some serious issues with love/affection and I have not judged her for what she has done. However my problem the last few days has been the desire to want to know much more about what happened with these men. I don't even know exactly how many she slept with. My wife has been willing to discuss it, but it is very painful for her as well. i want to be able to put this behind us and not want to talk about it. Sometimes I feel like talking about it helps because I can express my pain, but at the smae time I wonder if i am doing it just because it is painful for her and maybe it is my way of extracting some revenge. Any advice is welcome, I need all I can get.

Hi nikon,

In my opinion,the "rule of thumb" is that YOU talk about HER affairs as long as you need to to be able to put it to rest.I am glad your FWW is open to that since it is her responsibility to be forthcoming,supportive and honest about it all.The first moment she refuses then the red flags go up.It's part of healing YOU.

Hopefully your desire to hear about the facts is more related to wanting honest information and not revenge.The goal should be resolution of any harbored resentment or fears,etc.Six months post DDay #2 wasn't so long ago so do talk about things if it helps you get past it.

Try to think of it in "constructive" versus "deconstructive" terms.Before you ask a question,ask *yourself if you really need to know or are you not being honest about it and trying to be hurtful.

Lastly,the "6 month wall" is a common phenomenon with recovered couples so you may be feeling a bit more anxious or resentful or *stuck at this stage.You can get past it.

Hope this has helped some and I do hope your FWW is in IC! And don't feel too confident just yet about her not cheating again.She has quite a lot to do to regain your trust after so many OM's*

Good luck.

O

Nikon,
i just found out my husband had an affair on his way back over sea. It wasn't so much the one night stand it was more of the fact he talk to her after it happen. He told this women i was his ex-wife. I have found my self wanting to know every little detail from that night. He is willing to tell me but at the same time i hurts so bad to hear. I say if you need to talk about to make your self feel better than talk. But make sure that you are doing it to help your self not to punish her. Talk as much as you need until you can finally put it to rest.