Today the divorce was final. I found out yesterday by accident that she had been seeing someone. I am so confused. We had been seperated since Oct filed in Oct but thought we might be able to work this out. We even made love 12-17-06 and talked about our future but next day she said she had had enough, didn't even want to try anymore... needless to say I got a blood test before i went to the divorce. We have had our problems but we always thought in the end we would work things out. She is unsaved. I know that I cannot be in a relationship with and unsaved person. Is it right to pray for her salvation and then our potential reconciliation some day? I think she still loves me but is trying to sooth hurt now by transfering her love to someone else. I believe that this will run it's course and she will be sitting one day, alone with many regrets. I am not fauning after her. I let her go and told her good luck and have been out of site and quiet but really broken inside. She will never see me sad. I am taking care of my kids and myself and whatever brought me to this point. I have laid her on the alter for Him to work on. In my heart she is still my love, my deep love but I know I cannot change her. I cry for hours, then it subsides.

I just hate seeing the pain that divorce causes. My divorce was final Jan 5th 06. and I still love him and someday God will bring him back to me or he will take away the pain. Hurt or broken she is just caring it on to another relationship that wont last to another relationship ..... We can only forgive and pray that the Lord will be her savior someday. God loves the broken hearted as he is with you and me, he may find our ex's at that point someday and they may just eccept him into their lives. This kind of thing can really test out faith. I know when I got my wedding ring back from the pastor's wife (because I left it on the alter) I had to leave the church service and go out to my car, I was angry at God for not stopping this, I cryed and screemed Why could'nd you stop this divorce when I prayed so much, did you not hear my cries? but then I dryed my eyes and said saten my have stold my marriage but I would not let him steel my faith! Today at work I had to change my w-2 form from married to single and to 0 dependents and I left the room and cryed. I have to go and change my address and , well all those things that feel like a knife is turning in your heart. Somedays I get mad when I am told you will get through this, when one door closes one opens, keep your chin up, hang in there, God has a plan for you, in time..... But thank God I have friends and family that love me. How many kids do you have and are they hers to?

I have my two children, they are mine from a previous marriage and she has one from a previous marriage so no children together but my 8 year old and her 8 year old loved each other so much. I am at work now and am trying to carry on and be strong but I am struggling so much. I know I cannot control anything at all and it is so hard to just let go and let God handle this. He is handling it despite me and I really could save the knot in my stomach if I could grasp that concept for real in my heart. Pray for me. I will pray for you also.

I have so many of the same feelings as you. I don't think it is wrong at all for you to pray for her salvation. My wife left about a year ago and I have prayed every day for God to find a way to save our marriage. It just seems like it will not happen. I too feel like someday she will come to really regret what she has done. But, have faith that in the end, God will bring something better to you and to me. Like you I still love my wife and I still cry over this. I hope everything works out for you. Keep praying and have faith and patience in the lord.

I know that I don't want to live in denial but I have invested so much, WE have invested so much into this relationship that I would be willing to forgive her and get back to working on this but not without her being saved and a real change in her life otherwise I believe, we would be back at the same place. I know that her words are "I don't know how to change my heart concerning your ex wife, she looms over us and YOU (me) put her first over us". We have worked on about 5 major issues, all were tackled and worked through except this one thing in her mind. I am not sure if it is real or perceived. When I say real, I mean that she may be using this to build her case to have her lover right now. When she told me that she was going to go through with this divorce, the words I heard (aged old) "I don't want you to have another hope that this will work", "We never have gotten along", etc... which I knew at that point she had to be seeing someone else. She brought up all of the old issues that we had worked out and been good with for over 2 years as a case to not want to make this work. We were getting along so good so comfortable, so loving... up until she blew up at me again over 1 phone call she made to my ex... whom I have very little contact with and she is even re married. It just made my head spin.

Anyway, yesterday, D-day +1, I did not sleep at all on the night of the 17th - 18th. MY alarm clock went off and I just went into work anyway, crying, heart broke. She and her lover works here also. But I don't see them unless I go down to where she is working. I did have some more of her things I found in my house that i had to give her plus we needed to discuss how we would do our tax's this year. The last item that needs to be closed.

So I went to her and told her I put the stuff in the back of her truck, then she asked me how it went at court. I told her that I broke down an started crying when they asked me if I thought there was any likelyhood of reconciliation... she asked why did I go, and I explained that because it is a default judgement, the judge still has to record the filer's statement, where you live, your name, address, etc... she did not think either of us had to be there... but then I told her how much I loved her and that this was not too late to resolve, that we could still go back to counseling, get thisng worked out and then re marry. She said she did not want to get re married for a year or more and wanted to date but "not have sex"... I aksed her if she would be willing to work this out with me... she said she didn't know. I asked her if she could save herself for me because I am not getting involved with anyone she said she could not promise me this (this broke my heart since she made love to me just a month to the day before and we had talked about our future and possibly working this out and we enjoy our sex life so much... I am so confused by this and this just made my head spin when 2 days later she said she was not going to try anymore... why, why?)

So I told her that I still intended to pursue her, that I loved her so very much and I knew that although she may be confused by things, that I believed she loved me very much too but can't voice it, but that in order for this to work would now require much effort. She smiled a few times as we talked, and I believe she wants us together ultimatley but needs time? I don't know... these are my raw feelings right now... so confused... I also told her that whatever she is doing right now is so temporary, she will hit the same road blocks with this person, with that she jumped in and said "I know, I know, everyone is divorced, has ex's and I am not getting serious with anyone, I just want peace in my life for a while and now I have it"... I wonder if her new guy in her life knows that he is heading for aome major hurt...

I went back upstairs to my job and just sobbed... I had to have someone else take my meetings over and I consulted with a friend who told me that "I don't think you want to hear what I am about to tell you"... "You need to stop talking to he... she made her decision, she told you what she wanted by letting the divorce go through and didn't respect this by allowing another person come into her life before the divorce was final and she lied to you... I am surprised you are not angry... why are you feeding her ego? Is this the woman you want raising your kids?" all good doses of reality... so, I thought to myself, that she is playing me and the other guy for that matter, she is a beautiful woman and all of this attention is possibly just fueling the problem more... she may think that I will be there forever and she can o what she wants and come back when she has exhausted herself with everyone and everything... so what I did next I am not sure I did the right thing... but... (by the way, I am using this as a my journal and to get advice...)

... I was so tore up about everything, I called my parents, asked them if I could come over for a while (They have been a good voice of reason, married for 48 years, love each other so much and very grounded) and as I made my way out of the plant, I went back to my wife, and I (thinking that instead of me being on my heeels all the time, I needed immediatley to put her back on hers) I told her if she want to work this out the conditions would have to be that she would have to suspend this stuff now, and join me in counseling (probably unrealistic as most marriages from what I read on this site) are going through the affair as they get counseling plus we are no longer married so she is not, by law, obligated to me) but then I proceeded to ask her if she did love me and if she did whe would try to work this out with me... ultimatums up the gazoo... she said "I don't think this is ever going to work" Then anger broke in me, I told her that she lied to me about not having anyone else and I caught her, that she was a cheater and a lier and I did not wnat anyone like that to raise my girls... and that everyone I talked to would know this, she responded to me "now I am not going around talking about you..." but I snapped back that I didn't cheat or do anything but love you and take care of you and you are so men and hateful to me!!!... she said everyone was looking at us, that this was not the place to talk about this, but again I napped back, "but you left me with no way to talk to you, you cut me off completely... I began to sob again... she walked away from me... I left out of there quickly so broken hearted...

I went to my parents house, mom made me lunch and I cried and cried... so hard... I don't understand this at all... my parents both told me not to talk to her anymore, no voice connection, not face to face for at least a month... anything about the tax's mail only facts, no personal exchanges... let her go, let her go... let God only do everything in her heart if he chooses to and let God work in my heart to heal. I can;t change anything, I can't change her heart, her mind, she knows I love her already... that is enough... let it go... of course this is so hard to do, so hard. Help me God... help me with my broken heart... please... my parents also suggested to get her out of my mind, do other things, I can't dwell on things I cannot change otherwise it will only chrun and tear down. So I came up with a plan, not go down there to her at all for one month. I called my boss and told him to hold me accountable to this, he is going through the same thing right now with his wife and we have been a support to each other. He said that all of my co workers will be watching me also and they and he will not allow me to do this and if something pertanent needed, they will go with me and make sure I only go where needed. I am so lucky I have good friends as coworkers... Also I will follow the mail suggestion, no phone calls... etc...

I went to get my kids from school, took them to dinner then to Wednesday night service prayer meeting. I sobbed with one of the deacons there. He prayed with me for a long time. He gave me his card to go out anytime to dinner, or if I just needed to talk. I wil join that church hopefully this weekend, this is a good church, well grounded and a good place for my kids, my #1 priority... I will have dinner with the pastor tonite.

I went to bed at 10:30 PM last night. I prayed for my wife, then I read "My utmost for His Highest" for the 19th... Genisis 15:12 - "when the sun was going down a deep sleep fell upon Abraham: and behold horror and great darkness fell upon him..." the object of this divotional is to be still and listen for the Lord in the midst of the darkeness and let him speak. Don't try to do what Abraham did and take a wife to make a baby when it was not in God's plan. His plan was perfect, not Abrahams and he lived with regrets for trying to do it himself. Abraham went through 13 years of silence with the Lord because of his disobedience. I have been so much disobidient also... I have been through my 13 + years of silence I need to be still now and listen... I am so broken, God has my full attention now...

{{{dp}}}

I'm so sorry for your pain.

Please listen to the wise words of your parents... you really need to detach yourself from your XW, at least for a little while. Contact only hurts you now. Give yourself time.

Allow yourself some peace.

Alph.

Thanks... today I have gotten through the day a little better. I think I had 6 or 7 "bouts" of what I would call severe crying spells. Just went into the bathroom and asked the Lord for help to get these things out of my mind... I wrote one letter to her, stuck it on her truck ("I love you, we need to work this out letter") but I went back and retrieved it... She is in the production area all day long working with this guy so talking to him all day long. So I have to let this go completely. I am trying but it is so hard. She is the love of my life.

D-day +3

Last night I met with a deacon from my church for dinner. We discussed a lot of issues one of which was some basic facts now that I am divorced from her. She is a non Christian, therefore I can no longer pursue or date her. Only if she receives Christ in her life can I entertain that thought. This did something in my heart, it took away the confusion of how I will get her back into my life. It set a boundary that I do not want to cross. I love this woman more than anyone can possibly can know but I do not want to mess things up anymore by taking this situation, or any other for that matter, into my own hands. Looking back, this was doomed from the start because I did not follow that basic concept. I CAN pray for her salvation, unselfishly, not for my own gain. If God chooses to bring her back around in a saved condition, this would open that dorr back up, but is closed and locked - for now and I have to assume that it will be locked forever and focus 100% of my attention on the Lord, my life getting back on track fo Him, my kids and my family, friends. Does that mean I am not crying or griving over this loss, no, I am still raw inside, but I have more hope than I did before. I got a lot of sleep last night leaving her in God's hands. I can pray for her salvation all day long. I miss her so much, she does not know the secrets of my heart but I will continue to support her with my prayers and my love for her that she will ultimatly find Christ as her saviour.

I also forgave her for all that she did. I cannot harbour bitter feelings. This is not my nature, it is destructive to me and does not help anything. She has made her decision.

Lord, help me to obey you in these newly reveiled to me, concepts. I know that this is all for the greater good and you have a plan for my life. I am a clean slate. I have no one im my life except my daughters, my family and friends and You. This is a great opportunity to get right with you and start over afresh and not make the same mistakes. Lord, I pray for my ex wife. You know my heart and my love for her. I pray for her salvation. Help me not to be hurt by her harsh words because of her new devotion to someone else. Help me to see beyond what her condition is and what she needs to have life that is truly fullfilled and eternal. Help me to let You do the work. Help me to release her into your hands. In Christ name, amen.

Good bye my love, for now, maybe forever. I will go now and learn to live for the Lord and let him lead me into his perfect will.

D-day + 4 - I have gone in and out of thinking too deeply about everything - the "would have, could have, should haves"... Last night was a good move on my part to stay at my parents house. They live close to my work. It is a Friday night, a night that I would have sent at dinner with my ex wife at one of the places we like to eat. Instead, I know she is probably with him and her best friend who use to be my friend. The weather was to be really bad today where I live and I had to work today so I stayed with them. It was good being with them to talk through things and spend the time emptying my heart. It still hurts so bad. I cried. I went to bed, prayed, read the Word, asked God for comfort and slept maybe 5 hours. I feel melencholy this morning. I am trying to remember my boundaries for thinking correctly and the fact that this must be left in God's hands. I prayed differently this morning. I noticed that I had been praying largley for my hurt soul before, but I changed to thanking God for my mom, dad, my pastor, my friends at church, work and my friends out of work who have put their arms around me in support and showed me so much love. I prayed for my friends that have similar issues. I have 3 right now that just found out their wives are cheating on them. They are so confused. I love them and am praying for them. I am trying now to turn my attention away from myself and want to get involved more with church and serve others. I think this is a healthy way to work off a lot of these negative issues and focus on healing in my heart. God and everyone has been so supportive and good to me, it is my turn. I noticed that I have been getting my head back staright about work. Yesterday I tore through many things, thinking clearly and getting mounds done. I came in very early today and have gotten a lot done already also although this melencholy mood. I am asking the Lord to help me through this now.

Lord, thank you for everything, my family, pastor, friends, and I pray for my freinds in need. Lord I pray for salvation of my ex. Please take care of her the way she needs that will lead to her awakening and to heal her soul correctly. Again Lord, I leave her in your hands and I have to continue in your love and grace. In Christ name, amen

One think that I have to write so when I look back on this is how physically this has taken a toll on me... my hair seems to be thinning, falling out, my skin, at times, like right now as I am writing, actually is irritated. When folks come up to me to talk, I am often tense and short, not mean, I try to control this but I notice that I don't have the capacity I did have. My gut hurts so bad. My stomach has a knot that will not go away. I cannot eat much at all. I go through spurts of energy where I just tear things up and get much done very quickly, then slow and lost and drifting in thought. I catch myself all the time in converstaions with people, drifting in thoughts of what my ex and I would be doing at that time. There are trigger points. The silence of my cell phone is unbearible. She or I would call me/her every break before, now nothing forever. I cry, oh the tears, I go to the bathroom and cry till I can cry no more. Then I return and try to work again. If only she really knew my heart for her. She had this all wrong. She really never knew my heart. I was on her side. I was routing for her. I am/was the best friend she has/had. I was honest and truthful with her. I did not pull punches and lie to her. I knew what she needed and what she should do to get there. I was willing to help her through it. I love her so much. I was waiting for her to choose. She made her decision. I still don't understand this. Lord, you know her heart. Again I release her into your hands. I am sorry for this moment I took her back. I know you love me and will heal me. Thank you Lord.

Today is crying day all day... I have to get my mind off of this... I am trying to remember the concepts that I thought I had nailed down and did so well yesterday, but I cannot grasp them. I know this will pass, it will pass, I keep telling myself. Just give myself some room. Lord please please help me. Why did she do this to me? Why can't she love me? Why don't I have value to her? What is so much better in that other guy than me?

But I will not call her, I will not put myself "out there" to her any longer. I will not. I won't. I have to heal. Please God. Please help me.

dp,

I feel so compelled to write to you because you are hurting so much. Many here will tell you that you are not alone. Everyone's divorce story is as devastating as the next.

From my experience, please listen to your parents and those who advise you here. You must not contact her anymore, except for business purposes, if any. It is so important FOR YOU, not to let her see how hurt you are. This will not bring her back, only drive her away.

My STBXW never cheated on me, but caused so much hurt I cannot go back even if I wanted to. My saving grace has been that I learned to detach. As much as it hurts because we have 3 small kids, it was imperative. People change only when you change, my friend. Be strong because you don't deserve to be hurt.

And she doesn't deserve to see you hurt, either. Life is not meant for that. Hurt comes in ways we cannot control but people can control their hurtful ways, and when they do, we must learn how to dodge it. As hard as it is.

Love your children, your parents, friends and family. They will help you through this, and so will we. Take care of yourself.

Steve

dp,

Do you still have to work for the same company with her? I know it's not easy changing jobs, and you may not want to so you can be near her. But I truly believe that detaching completely will help you. Since you have no kids, and you are divorced, it really is the natural thing to do.

I know you still want her, that's normal because you still love her. If so, let her see you change.

There were times I revealed my emotions to my wife. Each and every time it was thrown in my face and I ended up miserable.

However, I am learning not to do that. To be independent, strong, detached. Guess what? That is when the tide turns and the relationship gets better. Albeit for a short time until one of us slips up. Not easy, but it's the only way that works. You're a good man. Believe it THEN LIVE IT.

Steve

Thanks so much for your comforting words, all of you. I do have my 2 kids and I am a manager at my job, so changing jobs now is not an option. We are far enough from one another we can live our lives independantly long enough for me to get on with my life. My co workers and subordants have made a plan/pact with me, that if I should have business down there, they will either go in my place or go with me. There is very little in that area that would require my presence. She will never see me grieving. I have done all of that in private. I have wrote letters to her, gave them to my parents, friends or pastor who all promptly throw them away for me. So i have a good safety net catching my emotional junk before it gets to her. To her I appear confident, solid, resolved for my kids, i have done everything right for them. I even forgave whatever she did as an example and because I will not let bitterness destroy me.

I went to see her the day after only to give her some things, and we chatted about how to do the tax's, I was prepared and carried myself well. After that I have canceled my cell phone so she has to call the company phone only and leave messages. I do not answer it. I will use mail only, no more physical face to face required.

So far everything I have been experiencing emotionally, she has no idea. I want my dignity. I met my pastor again today for lunch, He said not only should I let her go completley I should run the other way. This relationship was based on sin in the first place and desiring to go back to that again is not a an option for soemone listening and obeying the Lord. I agree. Only if she were to come to know Christ as her saviour showing real change in her life would it even be considered. There was no foundation to build this relationship on in the first place. I will pray for her. As far as I am concerned she is living in sin and does not fully understand her condition and where this is leading. She is covering her issues and she has many. She must deal face to face with them or she will crumble eventually. I can't help her. She will have to burn herself out I guess and reap the consequences.

I will focus on my kids and getting my life right for them. Any kind of a relationship other than my family, friends and children is not an option for me. They need me.

The tears are dried up for now at 6:02 PM on a Saturday night alone in my house, not bad. I feel more confident than earlier before my meeting. Thank you Lord!

I think I am doing weird things now. I fell asleep about 7:30 Pm on the couch, resolved etc, awoke at 12:30 am in a sweat and panting wanting her back. The feelings of confusion, loss, dread overwhelemed me. Crying, I asked God to take this from me while trying to grasp the concepts that helped me through the evening. I read my devotional book and the lesson there said to keep focused on God and everything else will fall into place. I prayed that God would help me through this. I don't know why she lets "US" go... why she chose another man. Why she can't see the value of what we worked for together.

Again, I let go. I guess this is a process. I then got up because I am not going to sleep any time soon, and begin to work hard to get my mind off of all of this. I washed all my clothes, hung them up, got everything ready for church tomorrow. Everything is laid out. I even got an answer to prayer. My ex wife (previous marriage) is allowing me to pick my kids up for church on my off weeks also so they can go every week. This is so important that they be there every week. Thank you Lord! I then begin to shred all my old papers that had built up and sort and store.

I have one plastic box that has our wedding video, her flowers (dried now) my wedding ring, our wedding pictures, our hotel stuff from Aruba, (where I arranged our wedding, it was so romantic and beautiful) and other various stuff from our lives that was so important to us. I have a place in the basement that I have put this that for now I call "the altar of God" where I lay this and leave this in God's hands. I have to leave this there. It's a symbol.

Right now I am trying not to do anything rash, throwing anything away or destroying anything (the shredding is just stuff with account numbers and ss #'s) until some time has passed by. I know that this marriage is over. If she were to come back in the state that would make it once again acceptable to re marry, then these things would be meaningless anyway and we would start anew. So I am at a loss as to what to do with this stuff... take it to my parents house for now? It has all of our pictures also... painful to go through them. Since we did not have kids together, I am not so sure ultimately we need to keep this stuff...

It is 2:42 AM now. I am winding down. Don't need to get up till 8:00 AM. I did get about 5 hours sleep on the couch. This is hard but I am glad that I am not drinking, taking any kind of meds or self medicating.

I am struggling with the sexual issue. I do not want any relationship. I will not have pre marital sex. I will not have one night stands. I do not want to mastrubate. I want to have a clean slate and have self control until God brings me to the person he wills or never if that is his will. I am trying to avoid anything that will plant thoughts in my mind that are not good, only constructive, edifying. I went through a spell a few months ago where I had so much lack of self control. I was not going out with anyone or cheating on my wife, just self satisfaction. I longed for my wife so bad. It did not do me any good to do this. It only made me waste time, feel bad, long for things that would only serve to impede my healing. Then when she made love to me Dec 17th and we almost made love Christmas day, and she dropped me so hard and fast, it sent me reeling. (I wonder if the new man in her life knows about what we did... boy she has started that one off on the wrong foot, lies and secrets... that is doomed from the start) I want to heal from this stronger in the end. The Lord can help me through this also. Thank you Lord... I will go read and try to go back to sleep now.

D-day +5 -
I am ready for church early. Can't wait to get there and surround myself with friends. Today I will try to limit the amount of grieving to them and make a conscience effort to ask how they are doing. I want to shift the negitive energy of my problem to focus on others. I woke up with that same panic feeling but it disipated sooner than last nights feeling of dread. Thank you Lord so much... Now I must go get my little angels it is 8:35 AM I told them I would be there by 10 to 9... Thank you Lord for saving my soul and your continued healing... Help me to stay focused today... thank you in Jesus holy name... amen

So far today only one major crying spell. The phone silence gets to me still. The thoughts of her not wanting me creeps in as well at times. I am still grounded in the fact that this was doomed from the begining now so that realization helps to deal with what is really wrong with all of this.

I talked to my older children today and found that there is some resentment in their hearts about what has happened in the past to them. One lives in Grand Rapids, the other local. It seems that because of my own life, I have over looked their pain. I suggested we all go to Grand Rapids together and talk about this and get it out. This is another reason why this relationship was not good. My kids need to heal also. Now I can spend time with them and get through this. I can't look back anymore. I do occasionally but I have to let that go. They need me first and foremost. I will still pray for my ex and her daughter. I need to pray for my children more though, I can see.

Lord help me through all of this mess, pain and suffering that has been born out of disobidience to you. Thank you for another chance. Thank you for this clean slate to start over. Thank you that there is no one else in my life as a distraction so things that are most important can be healed. Thank you.

I am home now, 8:54 PM. I have to get up at 4 AM. I went to work at 1:00 after church, worked till 5 then back to church at 6:30 PM. I have a 1 hour commute each way from work so much time to think... sometimes too much time but I am always busy. I talked to my second oldest daughter all the way back to church. She has many issues. I am glad we had such a long fruitful talk. And also my oldest in Grand Rapids, I was able to talk to her. She is having problems also, running out of food, feeling down in the dumps between jobs. We are all (2 young ones and the other older one) going to go see her this next weekend. I love my kids so much.

In between all of this, the pain wells up inside of me. I try to beat it back but it creeps in, visions of my ex having someone else with her. She not wanting me any more. I let it go again. I want her to be happy. Truely happy. It's a double edged sword the hurt I feel. One is my own hurt of the loss and my love for her, the other is my concern for her that she is safe and sound emotionally. I can't help her at all. I feel helpless. Cast all of my cares upon him because he careth for me... I will cling to that promise. He will cover me with his might hand. Lord, please awaken her out of he sleep. Help her to see what she is doing so she can find you and heal, with or without me. Her daughter needs her mommmy back the right way. This is so twisted, Lord.

Lord help me to stay focused on my daughters and their health and well being. They need me to be their whole father now. Help me to be strong for them. Thank you oh Lord for your mercy to me. Thank you for your love. Thank you for all of the people you have brought to me in my time of hurt and pain. In Jesus name I pray. amen

d-day + 7... it's been one week now. Today at 11:10 am will be one week, it's 8:41 am now. It was one week yesterday that I discovered the tip of the ice berg of an affair that I did not know was going on. My head is still spinning.

I can reflect back to December and remember comments that came up that I now can refer back to that she was hiding this. I know it doesn't matter but I still wonder what the break point was for her. Where did she decide that she wanted him 100% (or at least that what she thinks she wants for now) I left it all up to her and the door open and she opted out.

I let her go and continue to let her go. I have not called her and will continue to avoid contact. Yesterday I believe she called my cell and my daughter answered by accident. I hung up on her when I saw the "restricted" verbiage come up on the phone. I don't know if that was her but I did not want to hear her voice nor her hear mine any more. I don't know if this is "right".My intent is not to be mean or spiteful but this was her decision. This is what she wants. There is no good or usefulness to communicate any more. I love her, but she does not want me. I got it. I understand it. I am moving on.

I am praying for her. I will continue to. Not for me but for her. I see her avoiding basic truths that she agonizes over. I care about her. I cannot help her. I wish she really knew my heart for her but she never really got it about me. That is so sad.

She was my freind all up until about November when she started to change and the arguemnts of old worked out problems started to surface. I could not figure out why she was bringing up issues we had conquered back up. When I went to the floor where she worked and tried to talk to her, she would step back, fold her arms and argue her point with me. I had this ominous feeling there was someone there watching us... I did not know who. I even asked her what was going on, who was she talking to? My head was spinning, I was in a panic... something was seriously wrong... Now I know that he was probably there next to us listening. I feel like a fool. But I know the trap she is in now. Her life is all tied up again and it is started with lies and deception.

He probably doesn't know that she and I made love Dec 17th and was frisky with each other Christmas night almost making love again. Was she was torn between us two at that time? or was she just going through the motions to satisfy me to get me out without asking questions?

For me, I took my kids to Iwana's last night (spelling?) at the church and I went to a Bible study at an assisted care apartment complex and started visiting and helping. I am doing this again tonight at another facility. I am going to get involved with helping others and get my mind off of myself. I think I have been too self absorbed too long.

I also got rid of my internet at my house and the extended TV service. I just have basic cable with Nickelodeon for the kids. I don't want to be tempted to self gratifictaion. I have done well so far. I am very determined to stay celebiate and self control until it is God's time to change this. If he determines to bring someone else in my life 2, 3 , 4 years down the line when he feels I am ready, then I want to follow His plan. My plans have failed repeatedly. I won't go back.

Lord, thank you for what you have done in my life. Though I don't understand everything, but I will be obidient. I have learned that does not help to keep asking why and doing the opposite. Please help me to stay focused on you in everything I do, In Christ holy name, amen.

Today was hard. I don't know why. No crying. Just a lot of reflection and I still feel stunned. My head feels like it is spinning. Can't eat much. Don't even care to. The conflict I feel about what had happened over the last 6 weeks makes my stomach in a knot and my skin hurts and I am ultra sensative to noise and people talking. Then I take a moment, pray and place it back in God's hands... I just keep trying I know it is probably all part of the process.

I am going to my Bible study at the assisted care living home now... it's 4:50 PM... those folks last night actually brought my spirits up. They were so happy. I did not discuss any of this as I am there to help them but it was really refreshing.

I have got to let go of this... it is really draining me emotionally... please pray for me.