HE knows and that's all matter at this point. Take a good care of yourself. HE wants you to be happy with or without her.

-rh-

Redhat, you just made me realize something that I had never thought of. That our husbands/wives may not be aware of the depth of our love...but our Saviour is. To read that post from you, for some reason and I'm not sure why, just took part of the load (a very minute part but none the less)off of me. When I read that I just let out a big sigh, and it felt good. Thank you.

dp9214 how are you doing today?

I am doing ok... I thought maybe I had cried for the last time the other day but not so... seems like I keep running into things in the house or just a memory. Valentines day was a special day for us. I don't have the net at home anymore so I get these messages until I am at work. I stayed home with my daughter yesterday (she was sick from school) which was a good thing that I can do now that I live close to them.

It will be one month tomorrow since the divorce. I have done better about not looking back too much or too long and then trying to figure out all of the "why's" that will never be figured out. I am pushing forward. I miss her so much and my daughters miss her too. I am trying to look at her like she is a different person than the one I had come to know. Obviously she had secrets in her heart that I did not know about, so a side of her that she never revealed. This is difficult, though, seeing that just a few months ago we toured the west together, going down the coast, seeing so many things and enjoying each other and the trip. I am still very confused about all of this.

I think of the argument that started this I wonder if it was premeditated because she wanted me to leave so she could have her time alone with him.

Any way you look at it, the bottom line was that she did not want me, at least for now. So recovering from that is difficult. I know God loves me, my children love me and that's enough for me. If anyone ever comes into my life again, I will have a very difficult time trusting ever again. I know I chose wrong from the begining.

I have learned something though... I am not my own, I was bought with a price. I am focused on what God wants 100%. Everything I do is for Him, not me. It is making things easier because the whole reason we are here is to serve him. My job, raising my kids, everything, if I do it for Him, with His end purposes in mind, then it takes that stinging away. I am no longer thinking of myself. It also makes things more important and I am more disciplined in doing my day to day activities. Be anxious for nothing but in all things by prayer and suppication, make your requests to be made known to God and the peace of God which passeth all understanding will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

You are sounding stronger and stronger dp. I am not doing so well, and it is just the beginning of a long road. I pray and pray, try to put things in His hands. But I always go back to wondering what else can I do to fix this. I'm am so afraid. So afraid of being alone. I have my two boys, but I don't have the man in my life I once had. I want that man so bad.

Do you have a church that you are attending and a pastor you can go to? What I did day 1 was go directly to his office and pour my heart out about everything. My situation, I had things in my life that I needed to get right, so I got them right, asked forgiveness and did exactly what my pastor suggested... stayed under his and some other deacon's accountability. Then as the days pass, I keep to the promises I made to Him (God) and obeyed every one of His precepts. That keeps me in God's protection and care. I then commit fully my ex spouse into God's hands because He is the only one that can do anything now anyway... I am praying for you.

One other thing I thought about after I went home last night after writing this was that the other thing I did was to get involved with the Church. I found that there were a LOT of people just like myself, going through many issues or having gone through them, have been so supportive, praying for me, spending time with me, letting me call them, lots of support. It didn't take long where I heard myself and that I felt that I was taking and not giving so I got further involved and started giving my time and showing love to others who were hurting. Also seen some pretty rough situations much worse off than my own. Made me stop and think that maybe I wasn't in as bad a shape as I thought. Gave me better perspective on myself and what I should be doing.

So what I would also say is get involved, first for yourself, get friends, love from God, and then when you are ready, get involved for others. It heals. God loves you so much. You are a child of His. He know what you need. He can work on your husbands life as well even though you are apart. You need to focus on God now and your children.

It has been one month for me today since the divorce... I am going to play volleyball at the Church with the adult members then Pizza. I have some good friends I have made these past few weeks. I still feel raw, but I feel more confident. I am also still praying for my ex. I forgive her, I really do, I look at this so differently now, she is in a "sinking ship", she doesn't understand that what she is doing is so destructive to herself in the end, but all I can do is pray for her salvation. I cannot do anything for her. But He can. Also, I am not my own. I was bought with a price. I have work to do focused on Him. Everything is for His work, even my job.

OK, I guess I was being too hopeful, maybe crying is now down to every other day... It builds up... I see things that trigger thoughts and then trying not to think about them is difficult sometimes, then it builds up and I start blubbering... then I pray hard. It goes away. Just have to let it run it's course.

Hang in there dp9214!
I read your posts and am encouraged by your faith. Mine is so much stronger now. The love that Christ shows when we commit our lives over to him is so wonderful. Without Christ I could not get through the things I am going through and will continue to go through. He is there for us. Keep that wonderful faith that you seem to have and keep praying! God bless.

I can not get through this without Him either. In fact I don't know how I managed to all of these years. I cried hard again last night. I guess I have to take this a day at a time and not rush through this. There are so many reminders of her. I can't help but love her. I wished she realized that but all I can do is pray and it seems that's all I do all day long is pray, which is a good thing, for every one and every thing. My whole life seems to be devoted to this now along with being in church when the doors are opened and the other ministries I have begun to help with.

The verse, ...'I am not my own, I was bought with a price...' is stuck in my mind now. I am glad because it makes me have have a purpose and focus that I have never had before. So I cannot just let myself go in disobeience anymore. I actually don't want to. I see where it has gotten me. I have to follow His plan and His way. Nothing bad in that. It is a plan for peace and happiness I have never had. I pray that she will find this in her life and for her daughter. Not for me, if I never see or hear from her again, I just want her to have Christ in her life so she too can be healed in her heart.

How long have you been divorced? What are your plans and goals now?

So Sorry green, I read a post from you yesterday and it is ogne today, not sure how, but just to let you know that I am struggling daily but growning daily. Yesterday again, did good throughout the day but near the end of the day I had trouble focusing and getting side tract with thoughts of wanting her back. Maybe a combination of hunger and tired and wandering mind. I called my sister and my daughter and talked for a long time until I was thinking staright again. I don't want to fall back into the old habits and things that got me where I am now. I never want to return to this place again. I prayed hard last night and agin when I got up for God to help me through this tempation and weak mindedness. It is easy when I let go to Him but when I am in the trap of a wandering mind, it is hard to grasp that concept fully. Pray for me too please.

Post deleted by SoSorryGreen

Thanks for the prayers. I am for you also.

I am embracing lonliness now as a gift because He is always with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me.

I have not wrote for a while... there's not a day that goes by that I still do not mourn this. I cried every day but some days just for a momement as something flashes through my mind.

Yesterday, I had to work on the main floor of the plant and she walked by me. She said "hello, I hope you're having a good day". I did not show a mean face or a frown, just a slight smile and I walked on... I don't even know what to say to her, to a woman who told me that she could not promise that she would not have sex with someone else. Someone who does not want to be with me anymore.

I went into the bathroom and cried. Then she called a couple of times wanting money issues resolved. I do not answer the phone when she calls. I can't. I can't hardly bear to hear her voice. I took care of the issues promptly. I mailed her a check, but I cannot write more to her, just business. I have lost my self esteem with her more than once begging her not to leave. I cannot do that anymore. I won't pine, faun after her. There would be no more respect for myself let alone from her.

If only she knew the real me inside and out... the love I feel for her, the amount of times I pray for her and her daughter. I even care that she is finantually ok and her house is getting fixed etc... that her daughetr continue her schooling.

But I cannot convey that to her. She cannot see it. She is too self consumed with her own issues. I am not, and probably have not been, in her plans for a long time. I guess I out-served my usfullness to her. She took me back to the store and exchanged me for another...

I have to let it go again... God please help me... please... I hurt so bad. I want to love and be loved... I am sorry for my self concern but I am going through it now. I don't mean to be, but I am in the middle of it... help me out of this, please... I want to be happy the right way...

I have gotten 2 calls from her. I have not answered her calls since the day afetr the divorce. I can't but I also don't think it wise otherwise it stirs my emotions, I miss and love her so much but this is what she wanted.

All of the other calls were business. These last two had no message. So my mind wonders what she wanted. It was just before her bed time 8:36 last night so I wonder, since she had no message, did she just want to hear my voice? Did she want to say she was sorry? Did she want to say she made a mistake? But then I aks myself, even if this was what she wanted, what would I do? The ONLY way it would ever work out would be if she was truly saved, born again, because we had no foundation for our marriage.

If we have a problem, we were not following God's plan. If we both were defaulting to the word and following God's principles in our lives, then the issues we would have would be worked out because we would both be agreeing to follow his plan for marriage. I love her, but without this element in our relationship, it will be tearing and wrenching all over again. Both of us would be torn. This cannot happen again, never.

How do I convey this to her, or do I? Is this suppose to be something that God will have to do with her completely aside from me. I do not want to manipulate this. This will have to be real in her life otherwise, that too will fail because she would only do it for me. (this is of course if this is what she is even wanting). I have to give this over to the Lord again. This is so hard. I want her back, but not the wrong way. I also have commited myself to the Lord. This means He comes first now, not her. If this is what He wants, I want what He wants. I am tired of ruining the life that He has wanted me to live for Him.

This has been a hard and painful lesson. I love her so much. Lord help me through this.

I have not written in a couple of days but still some very painful things I go through. I am caught in this cyclical pattern of thinking that I am abandoning her if I "let go", but I have to let go 100% or I will be stuck and drive myself crazy. There is nothing I can do. She does not want me. She is not a Chritsian at the moment. I have to just say that I love and care for her and leave her In God's hands and let it go.

I need you Lord. I, in my humaness keep taking her back and fretting over this and over analyzing this. I do this daily but it is so hard to keep her there in Your hands. Please help me.

I am having a real tough day today... I am increasingly missing her so much. I seen her again today. I don't know why this all happened. Lord, I am sorry, my faith is not strong today. Please help me.

I am still praying for her... I have had a death in the family and have been busy. I wonder how her life is. I have not heard from her since. I wonder if she thinks of me anymore at all. The pain in my heart, I wonder if it will ever heal. I miss her so much and my kids miss her daughetr so much. Again, I give this to the Lord. She made a comment in December "Oh, you will find someone else in 2 months"... I don't know what she was thinking. Not only did I not, I can't even imagine being with anyone else... the only way that staement made any sense at all was that she had someone already and I did not know it.

This seems to be ripped from my own story! I can definitely relate and feel your pain. I am sorry you are going through this. I also love my STBXW beyond belief yet she is avoiding any contact unless it has to do with our DS.

This too shall pass!! Remember that and take comfort in the word.

"God leads us through rough waters only to make us better captains." Me

Be strong and lean on HIM!

AH

Well, if I had let this go another 4 days it would have been a month since I last wrote... It still hasn't changed the way I feel though. I took my 2 little ones on a trip during their Easter break so they would not have been stuck in the day care. We went to Flordia, had fun just doing what they like to do most, swim... went to the zoo, beaches etc... it was a nice break to not have to face seeing my ex and her boyfriend and their vehicles every day. I needed that. I did, however, go through that long trip (I drove) having flash backs of her seated next to me when we went out west this past September... that was hard... lts of tears shed, my heart broken... heard one too many country western songs like "that ain't my truck in the driveway" by Rhett Akins (Exactly what happened to me by the way and the way I felt) or "Tonite I want to cry" by Steve Urban, or "wherever you are" by Jack Ingram... although I am not chasing her like the song suggests... I let her go and if she does not want me, then there's nothing I can do about that. I will go on. I still pray for her all day. Pray for her to find God and live her life for Him. I don't even pray selfishly anymore that we get back together... I love her so much. Love and commitment are a choice... I was committed to this relationship... I thought she was too, just needing time to sort things out and come back, but I was wrong. I feel pretty stupid too, knowing now how long this new relationship was cultivating behind my back and I never in a million years thought she was going to do this. I Cothians love states - Love hopeth all things, never fails, believes all things... I believed in her and that in the end she would commit to me. I forgive her. I am moving on more and more every day. I cannot even entertain the thought of a new person in my life though. I don't know if that will ever happen again. I still cannot see anyone in my heart but her. I guess that will take just about 2 years, right?! so now maybe 1 year and 8 months the 17th of May... (it will have been 4 months since the divorce). Anyway, I have not waivered on taking care of my kids, making sure they are in church as much is possible and being a good example to them in all things. That is my mission now. I pray with them, we make right deciisons together and work on issues together, the way things should be done, do homework, and play together. If that's all that ever comes of this, then it was a blessing to have happened. More focus on them so they grow up right. I can handle that.