DP:
My heart goes out to you. I am also fighting the battle of the broken heart. Divorce not yet final. He expects us to be "friends" and act as if we were never in love. I met him when I was not yet even 15 we dated for 3 1/2 years and married when I was still just 18. Married for 32 years when I got a call one day from a man that told me his wife and my husband were having an affair.My husband was very active in church and an ordained deacon. We went to counseling for 5 months, I thought we were on the right tract, then he decided that he was "unhappy". He moved out to "think things through", then said he wanted a divorce. Now I may be in my 50's but I'm no dummy. After some checking I found out she was one of several. My heart was broken but I have forgiven him, I had to forgive him in order for me to begin to heal. He is the one who wanted the divorce not me so I put everything in God's hands and I take it day by day. I am amazed at how the Lord has lifted me in my times of trouble. I am perservering. I will not quit. I do not call him unless it pertains to my daughter who is still at home. I hold my head high and thank God that I am a christian and that regardless of my husband's sins I will not lose my focus and sin just to spite him. His punishment has been plentiful. He lost his job, and along with his job went his company car. He broke his foot, he had an emergency appendectomy, and he is in a legal battle with his former employer trying to get his retirement money. His mother has now taken a major downward slide into dementia and he is not handling it well. All the while, he is in deep depression, and totally miserable. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and thankfully I have had enough sense not to stand in His way. I don't wish my husband anything bad----I still love him-----but I do not want to be in the fallout of his misery. When God is finished pruning him, He will restore him. Then if it is in God's plans he will restore our marriage, but if not then I know that God will see me through. Hold on tight to your faith and focus on the good things that are still happening in your life. It is sometimes hard to see them, but if you look you will see God's miracles all around you. The most obvious are the smiles of your children when they are playing.Please know that I am praying for you and your children.May God Bless you in your times of trouble.

Thank you. That was very encouraging... especially good timing too... I just went out on the floor where I work to look at a job and I ran right smack into my ex... we exchanged galnces but I kept walking because I was in a converstation with one of my engineers... but it still took the wind out of my sails when I got alone. I cry. I can't help it... but I am stronger day by day. Then I came back to my desk and checked into this site and read what you wrote... thank you.

Last night I went to a church that offers "Care Ministries". They have one section for "DivorceCare". I read about it on their web site http://www.northridgechurch.com/Care/LifeShare/Men/DivorceCare.asp. I just went, although nervous, I don't know anyone there, but they just happened to be starting a new 13 week session... so God's providence... They sound good, Biblical and grounded so far. I think it is time I go and figure out some of the disfunctions I may have for making poor choices in my life. I am on the right track spirtually but what got me to this point needs to be fixed quickly and effectively. I am not going back to where I was. I know that despite our best efforts, people can change and leave etc, but I can make better up font decisions and then live appropriatley and if something dose bottom out, I can live stronger in Him victoriously... God gaveth and He taketh away my wife... blessed be the name of the Lord, Thanks You Lord for the brief time I had her in my life, thank You for the lessons I have learned.

Like you, I am not going back to the way I was, I am standing firm, I am growning stronger in the Lord. I do see all of the great things that He has done these past months. Thanks again for the encouragement. I am praying for you as well (one other benefit of all of this is that I have quite an extensive prayer life now)

DP
I am really glad that you are getting involved in a divorce care group that is based on Biblical principals. It will be good for you to open up and share your feelings with others who can relate to your struggles. I have wanted to do the exact same thing but I am from a very small town and really don't want to give the locals anything to gossip about just yet for my daughter's sake. My daughter goes to college in the fall and by then my divorce should be final and I will have more time to travel about 40 miles to attend a group in a neighboring town. In the mean time I have my ups and downs but with each passing day it gets easier to handle. I am so thankful that I don't have to work in the same building with him !! Wow that has to really be hard on you. Hang in there and keep praying. Remember - God comforts the broken hearted. One thing that has helped me is the fact that I have been determined to "reclaim" things that I thought were "ours". I went to the ocean last fall and as I gazed at the waves slapping on the beach I realized that the ocean belongs to God and not anyone else. Now I am looking forward to my next trip. I am still in the house so I rearranged the bedroom and plan to replace all the furniture and repaint when I can afford it (after the settlement)Little things like changing the furniture around or replacing wall hangings and pictures can really make a difference. I have had to reclaim every holiday and birthday and now that each one has come and gone, I am not afraid of them any more. I still have trouble in certain restaurants but that is because I don't go out to eat often. Most of my friends are married or at least committed to someone and I hate to eat out alone. But with time that too shall pass. I am starting to enjoy being able to just relax in my p.j.'s and read or watch my favorite shows on T.V. with out having to account for my time. My husband couldn't stand it if I just sat and read a book, he thought I should be up scrubbing the house constantly. He was a neat freak. I like things clean and tidy but I am no "Donna Reed" LOL Well gotta go. Hope you have a better day tomorrow. Keep Praying.

"PERSERVERANCE"
"What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve."

Well I'm pretty close to your shoes. Just D last month. Don't blame yourself for her craziness. I've got kids and know matter how hard you try for the M and the kids she don't care about any of that but herself. My WW has only been living with him for six months and seeing him for eleven months. The WW will not listen to any thing you say you are the enemy in their eyes. I've had my sleepless nights, bouts of crying, calling friends, and IC for myself. This all helps build strength. Let your friends and god help you though this tough time. It is not easy but do productive things with your self time. I will tell you that my kids don't know it today but someday in their life I will tell them they were the main drive to keep my life together. These kids if young need you to be there. This does get better and you will find strength in this. I never thought that in a million years. Hold your head up high even through the tough times and you will be alright. This always gets worst before it gets better.

I am still in love with her deeply. She wants the divorce papaers filed within 30 days. She lives 1000 miles from me.We have been married only 4 months.(my temper is the issue). I have read love busters, (there were 3-4 times I make condescending remarks which I soo hurtfully now regret). She was married 32yr before to abusive , infidelity, and never wants a man like that again. Is there any thing I can do? must file in 30, decreee will be mailed in 90. any thoughts would be welcome

If you have not accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, you need to. The reason is, without Christ, you will wander through life without Him to guide you and you will never know His plan for your life. You will also not know His Love. Give your all to Him. You won't regret it.

The next thing you need to do is to get into a church and see the pastor (Bible believeing, church that believe that it is only through Christs blood we are saved and not because of our own good deeds or baptism, or infant baptism. By repenting of our sins (never wanting to go back to our old way of life and believeing in our hearts that Christ is the messiah, the Son of the living God we are saved through Faith - actually taking action and obeyiong what He tells us)

This kind of church you need to go to, and then lay all of your heart aches on the pastor so he can listen and help you sort through all of this in a practical way. There is much more to this than the few sentences you wrote.

Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ - He can fully meet all of your needs. But there is a price to pay, it is not easy, you have to give up all and follow Him. But then it is easy... His burden is light and His yoke is easy - why? because then you find out, He paid the price for you, and He alone can make things right but simply obeying Him when He shows us what to do. But you have to do what He says.

Well, it has been a month since I last wrote and things are healing quite well now... I have gone days w/o thinking of her, in fact I am getting happy again. I have so much to be thankful for. I don't need her. I can see more clearly this dysfunction in her life and the blessing that it is that she chose to leave and I can be freed from that. It was hard to see... There is hope for you out there that are just starting to go through this. Keep your chin up, give it over to God and let Him heal your heart.

Friend, I hear your words but my heart is not ready to accept them. My divorce is not yet a 'legal' reality but the fact that my wife has given her heart to another is a reality.
I know in my head God loves me and is still on the throne.
But I am angry with God for seemingly paying no attention to the activities of my wife as she glibly goes about her merry way planning and arranging for her brand new life with her brand new man. This is the ending of my second marriage - and final marriage. She genuinely believes she did nearly everything correctly these past 16 years and it is my inability to "NEVER" allow her to be right when there is a disagreement that is at the root of our ending marriage. The aspect of divorce which causes me the most heart pain is there is no closure....no debriefing period where all is laid out and looked at by both of us. She just stood up one day and loudly announced the she was through with me.... No, 'So' through with me and that was that. From that moment she doesn't feel any need or obligation to answer any question I may have about any area of our past. She slams the door in your face and throws the bolt and as porky pig often said, "That's All Folks". I can understand why now and again this results in homicide because it is present in my heart at times and I admit it. Love and hate are close neighbors. And then once again we are told to trust in God. Ok. When is it her turn to hurt like I do? When do all her shiny little plans tarnish. Why is the other man not broadsided by a tractor-trailer on his way to see my wife? Trust God. I will trust God when God actually interacts noticably in these affairs and does something favorable toward me such that her schemes are thwarted and all is not well with her recently acquired script. I am tired of the pain. Tired of the pain.

I totally understand where you are. I am angry at God for allowing me and my kids to go through this he**, while WH is living it up and living happily with OW.

Just doesn't seem fair. I am a very faithful person, but I feel like no one upstairs is listening.

I hear God has a plan for all of us, might not be what we want though. Why? Doesn't he want us to be happy?

I too am tired of the pain. I filed for D last week. Still not sure if it was the right thing to do, but I just can't take it anymore. WH has not even admitted to the A, so how can I go on?

WH has not even admitted to the A, so how can I go on? i have ask this same question.

itcouldhappen, how long has it been since you first found out about all of this? When is the divorce final?

Catgirl, what was the last straw for you?

eemd, how did you finad out about the affair and how long has it been since you found out about it?

I found out she was having affair when she started comming home late. And she was getting lost on the weekends. And I caught her haveing dinner with om.

My divorce is still not yet final. No real problem, just fine tuning the settlement. For some reason H has been unusually generous and communicative. Sometimes I think he is showing signs of regret for leaving. But after a year and a half I am not ready to start trusting just yet. He knows how much he has hurt me and he knows that even though I have forgiven him and still love him, it would be a long road back to trust.There were too many lies and OW. It is all in God's hands.If God puts us back together then that is wonderful but if not then I know I can make it on my own. I have stayed my course and never once given in to the temptation of being untrue even though we are not together. I believe in marriage and committments, that is why I hate this whole divorce thing. But you can't hold them captive if they want to go. God made all of us with a free will. Even now I still have times of sadness for what has been wasted, but I have learned many things about myself and I feel God's guidance and love more than ever. "Sometimes God calms the storm....and sometimes He calms the child.......At all times God is in Control." I read that somewhere several months ago and it has stuck with me. I live each day the best I can and I try to let God be in control. I keep remembering what it was like when I tried to be in control and I realize that God's way is much better. To all of you who are hurting....Just let God be in control. Things will change slowly, but they will change. A year ago I never thought I would be able to make it another day much less a year. Today, I realize that God carried me through and here I am. Step back and let God work, it will surprise you to see the results. God Bless all of you.

dp9214,

The last straw was when I found sexually graphic emails betwwen the 2 of them. That was it for me.

It is the day beofre the 4th of July... I have met another woman who has had her heart wrenched from her as I have had around the same time as me. We have a lot in common with friends and relatives. In fact a friend brought us together, thought it would be good for us to share war stories. They were right. We have had much to talk about. Not sure where this is going but I am glad she is in my life right now. One day at a time. Any input would be appriciated...

Another month has gone by since I last wrote and even though I met someone very nice, I know I am still not over this. I guess I am writing this for others, in a sense, to benchmark what I am going through is most probably typical... I see my ex every now and then, from a distance, (I have not spoken to her since the divorce Jan 17th) and my heart is re broken about all of this. I cannot let this get into a new relationship because it will just cause problems there again... anyway... just words I am typing, maybe for myself only so I can see and write it out for myself...

Well, I know that I am not ready for another relationship. I have grown fond of having my own place, control of my life (for once) and less the complexities and stresses of another extended family. Maybe I have had enough of this for a while. It's almost like I could circle back to the wife I had because there is familiarity and the ableness of getting back into that groove, but to start all over again with a new group of folks is just not what I can do. This is weird. I am still sad, but I like my life more now that I am alone. I do things with my kids, they are exclusive, feel special because they are the center of my attention and affection. This is turning out for the better although it would have been the best had my ex hung in there. It's been 6 months now on 8/17/06 since the d.

dp,

I feel for you man. I went through the same exact things you are right now and probably worse. My ex ended up cheating on me. The first time I only caught her at the guys house and she told everyone that I was crazy and they were only friends and I was overreacting and needed mental help. About two weeks later I called her from my work and she had him in my house. I was instantly pissed off about it and told her to have him leave or I would come home and make him leave. I called back about an hour later and she was sleeping, I asked if he left and she said he did. My gut told me he didn't. So I left work and drove to my house. When I got there I walked around to our bedroom window and heard the entire episode of my wife having sex with another man. You would think that I would go crazy at this point but I was actually relieved because I knew that I wasn't imagining things and wasn't crazy. Instead I just walked away and called her on the carpet. She tried to lie at first and then I told her I heard the entire thing and she couldn't lie anymore.

Then things got worse she put a frivolous restraining order on me so I couldn't even be in my own house and had him move in. This made me sick to have my wife with a piece of garbage sleeping with her in my bed with all my stuff. I ended up intoxicating myself heavily after this because I wanted to kill him, I got so inebriated every night that I would pass out so I wouldn't be able to go anywhere because I knew what I might do if I did. I lost 80 lbs in two weeks and was very ill, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and completely heartbroken and cried all the time. My landlord found out about their adulterous affair and he was a devout Christian and kicked her out because she couldn't pay the rent, and I moved back into the house, it was empty of course all I had left was some of my clothes and a hydabed in the basement which I slept on.

Then she started to do something that really messed with me a week later, she started calling saying how she missed me and longed for me. This of course was something I wanted to hear. She also had a key to the house still and would come down to the basement where I was sleeping get undressed crawl into bed and have sex with me. I wanted her but I didn't, I was so confused. This went on for a few weeks then I said I couldn't handle it anymore and completely cut it off because she was still with him. She tried to do this even after our divorce was final. Then would call and rub it in my face that she just had sex with him. Talk about turning the dagger, my heart was crushed and it kept getting stomped on.

I ended up getting visitation with my daughter and when I would pick her up the ex would be all over him just to spite me. It made me want to puke. My daughter would cry when I would take her back to her mother and throw a fit she wanted to live me and this broke my heart too. Then the abuse with my daughter started and that is when I turned completely against my ex because now it wasn't just me getting hurt it was my daughter. Now it was war and she was the mortal enemy, my daughter never deserved this. My ex then started acusing my daughter of being devious and lying and then she broke off all communication with her. My daughter was six years old at that time. I was pissed and heartbroken for her, she was completely devastated too, to this day it brings tears to my eyes.

It has been eight years now since the divorce. I have determined that my ex is completely psycho. She never was this way when we first were married, she was actually a good mom then believe it or not. I believe whatever drugs she did completely screwed her up. I miss the woman I married but I know that woman doesn't exist anymore only memories. I am so mad that it affected the kids the way it did, my daughter has severe mental issues due to the abuse and the abandonment. It has been a tough road, but God only gives us what we can handle.

You are not alone brother we all have our own struggles and suffering we have endured. I have spent countless days going through what you are and the only thing that brought me through it was faith and friends, and family. Don't lose yourself over this is the best advice I can give you. It isn't going to be easy but as time passes it does get better, but it is going to get worse before it does and you must endure it. You have to heal now and it takes time. Embrace the grief you feel now because it says that you really cared and Loved your ex. It too will pass, you will always love your ex in some way or another. Believe it or not I still Love my ex in certain ways but I despise what she has done to our family.

My ex got what she deserves with this guy she is now divorced from him and was beaten severly. He got his too she almost killed him with a baseball bat. I guess he got what he wanted too. They deserved each other.

I just hope that the kids will be able to heal and grow to be happy healthy adults. I pray every day for them. I even pray for my ex and her ex husband.

I believe my situation happened because I wasn't right with God when I was married. I tell you through all the suffering it was a wake up call and he definately got my attention. This experience almost killed me, but now I am stronger and wiser for it. I know what I want now and what I don't want. I am happy in my own skin again. This is where you will need to be my friend. Be yourself and don't think of what could have been or what should have been. Just realize God is in control there is nothing you can do but be you. Everything happens for a reason. Keep the faith.

M

Thanks for that story... I needed that right now. I really did.

I did not have much time to comment on blindwillsee's story and comments... I just wanted to say thanks for your story. I have not even came near to what you had experienced. I am sorry that you had to go through all of that and I am inspired by what you had to say. I am learning to be content with what I have and where I am at despite the hurt and sadness. I am trying to not repeat the past mistakes and to obey. It is not easy to obey. It is if I simply do it. Then I walk on the road that is easy because there is no mistake made. There are those things, like you pointed out, that despite doing all of the right things, you don't have control over. Then it is resting in God's arms and learning to depend on Him fully through it. I know that despite our best efforts to search for the correct people, for friends, wives, whatever, "the heart is desperatly evil and wicked, who can know it?" All we can do is the best at obeying and then the rest was in God's plan for a reason. Thanks again for that encouragement. I will never forget it.