Spoke to my WH yesterday for the first time in several weeks.
He had found out that we are expecting a second granchild and phoned to ask if it was true. He seemed upset that we had not told him directly and is also upset that the children are refusing to keep in contact with him.

Did some major plan A'ing, spoke calmly and insisted that we all still loved and cared about him but would not tolerate his behaviour.

He then goes on to tell me he wants a quick divorce so he can marry OW although she to is not yet divorced.

I was very calm and set the scene for a plan B letter which I emailed him last night- no response as yet.

Is it too late to save our 27 year marriage?

Wow. Your children are also in Plan B! That is terrific. I think that there is a lot of hope for him to realize that there are consequences to his actions. The fact that he didn't learn of another grandchild on the way may help him to realize just how severe are the consequences. All I can do is applaud you for how you have raised those children.
Cherished

Oh yes the children are behind me all the way they are going to be very true to plan B, WH has no idea what wonderful children we have raised. I also spoke to MIL yesterday, it appears no one in his family is condoning this relationship and he only has contact with one of his sisters.

It's not too late but you'd better do your homework and quick. That OW want's not just the WS but YOU.....all you have, she wants. Golddigger....she will steal from your children if you don't protect your finances.

1. Secure your finances.
2. Form your personal support group (children, etc.)
3. Get with a good MC (I recommend you phone counsel w/Steve also).

4. Read SAA, HN/HN and Love must be tough.
5. Expect the WS t/b more unreasonable.
6. Rock the OW's world any way you can.

7. Do not feel sorry for the WS and OP. They are not worth 1 tear or sorrow. Feel sorry for your H being held captive.

8. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

9. Learn to reverse babble.

L.

Hi Orchid

Live in the UK so phone counselling will be difficult.

I am in the process of organising finances- I will be fine on that count but do realize that OW does like,and is used to expensive living - have a feeling WH may be getting into debt to fund lifestyle but not sure about this.

I have IC and antidepressants and these are helping me somewhat to keep a clear head.

Unfortunately, I initiated divorce as I just wanted to get all the hurt out of the way at once, although papers have not yet been drawn up WH has agreed to pay for it

Found out today that WS has been making a fool of himself, talking about how OW makes him really virile and his sex life is fantastic. Thing is he's saying these things to just general aquaintences not people we know well. I realize these WS's are not our real husbands but why do they act like this?

Right now that man in your H's skin is a babbling idiot better known as the WS. If having an A makes his sex life fantastic, he's really lost. It is just a matter of when he hits bottom. Sex isn't all there is to love and love isn't only about sex. So much for the OW meeting his needs.

What is in your favor is the weaknesses of the A. The A thrives on each player being selfish. Use that to your advantage and sometimes the BS has to move into the spin to get their grip so they can move out. Kinda like turning into a spin to stop from losing control on a rainy day.

Also, it is sometimes better NOT to apply the brakes. Hm.... for the BS it could mean, letting the WS move out. After all living with a WS is cruel punishment.....very abusive for all involved.

If you can't speak with Steve, then read the books I recommended. Learn to reverse babble. Make sure you know your personal boundaries and don't let the WS intimidate you into enabling the A. They will try over and over again.

In their feable alien brain, the WS and OP believes you are in their control. Burst that bubble and you've got the upper hand. Of course leading them on also gives you the upper hand. So it is vital for you to stay in control of yourself.

L.

Thanks for that Orchid,

I have now ordered surviving an affair and cannot wait to start reading it, still not sure if I can master reverse babble though.

Also I'm seriously considering stopping the divorce, if they want it they can do the work, what do you think?

Miffy1

I studied my legal options, then when I was good and ready, I told the WS he could go get the D, in fact I told him to hurry up. LOL!!!

The point is that I made that decision when I was ready....guess what?!?!? At that time the WS got indecisive. I replayed his own words back at him and he didn't like it one bit.

To us in a short period of time they swing from loving their family to hating the very sight of the BS and family...... yet to the WS it is a lifetime. Why? Because that is all the WS has lived....before the A, the WS didn't exist. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid,

this is too unreal,

it's so difficult to come to terms with the fact that this WS was ever the husband I knew and loved and I'm starting to wonder if he will ever reappear again.

Miffy1

No guarantees but they (the real spouses) usually do reappear....the mystery really is where will the BS be at that time?

Use that to your advantage. Also reverse babble takes practice...... remember the goal is to keep the WS off balanced with short swift statements and answers. Keep them wondering. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

I would put the brakes on the divorce if you're not 100% sure that is what you want, and it doesn't sound like you are.

It's prudent to have a lawyer, and be prepared and all that, and I understand your line of thought that you get the pain over quick, like ripping off a band-aid, but you have to be sure you can live with your decision.

I guess I've found MB is really about finding yourself again, so that you can be a happy person with or without your spouse.

I can't even believe that I've reached a place where I can even utter those words, it's been a long time coming, and the first thought I had was to threaten my WH with divorce....but I recanted, and won't even talk about it again until I am sure.

I am sure I'll come to a point where I am ready to move on from this relationship, if it doesn't start heading in the right direction, but now is not that time.

I hope that everything works out for you, Orchid is a great reverse babble coach <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Post some of the goofy WS things your WH says and she'll give you great examples.

Good luck and God Bless,

-Caren

Caren,

It's so good to know that other people out there are willing to give you such good advice in what seems like such dire circumstances.

Isn't it a shame that we all have to be here?

Anyway got a great fog statement from WS other day-

"I would only be able to come back to you if my affair ends if you get the children to start to talk to me now"

Of course I will darling-NOT.

Miffy1

Orchid: This is a painful place t/b but a healing one.


Orchid: Yes it is.


Orchid: You've got the gift of the RB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Simple eh?

Did he give you a reaction or just a blank look?

L.

Welcome Miffy. This place will help you through the bad times.

I have a few things to add to Orchids list:
I see you are in Plan A. Plan A is usually recommend for up to 6 months. Have you been doing is for that long?

And the one point that is the most critical. Who have you exposed the adultery to?
1. His place of employment?
2. The OWH?
3. All relevant family members? Hers as well, father mother, etc
4. Your church you WS and OW, etc.

THe MB prinicples have a proven order to them.

* Plan A coupled with exposure.
THEN
* Plan B. Some MBers have Plan B'ed for over a year.
* Then, when you are ready and KNOW that you don't want this marriage. When YOU are ready, D if that is what you want.

But keep in mind that most Affairs die before 2 years. This is NOT a short term solution. This is a long hard terrible road. The 2 year mark is when the "honeymoon" (gag) is over.

And if you have done a good Plan A THEN a Plan b along with exposure the LBs will be between OW and WS.

I'm sure some of the other vets will be along. Orchid is one the the Best! Her RB is invaluable.

Hi, fighting

Haven't really had a chance to do plan A, D-Day was back in October- they met at work and had only known each other 6 weeks, affair had been going on a month or so.I lost the plot and threw him out - ran straight to the arms of the OW.

Her husband had known for several weeks but did not bother to tell me.

Everyone is now aware of the affair although both parties are rewriting our marriage histories and saying they had been unhappy for years- all lies may I add. WS had had a heart attack only 3 months prior to the affair and we had been the closest we had ever been.

Initially after D-Day we had some telephone contact but this deteriorated into shouting matches from WS, I suppose to justify what he had done, I initiated no contact to protect myself really.

Whenever he phones now I try to Plan A but contact is very infrequent and so Plan B letter was emailed a couple of days ago. I feel he needs a dose of reality, this is definately a fantasy world he is living in. Let him live in a world with 2 small children and all that comes with it

Thanks for your thoughts.

Miffy1

Been to IC today and have come back feeling quite down.

Get the impression counsellor thinks what I'm doing is wrong and that the children should be having a relationship with their dad and OW. Surely this will enable the affair to continue as WS has not actually lost anything but me which he has replaced with OW.

WH should surely realize there has to be consequences for his actions and that also the children know how wrong this situation actually is.