Just a bit of background, my wife and I have been married for close to fourteen years and have two kids; nine and three. Over the past six or seven years, I've been involved in going back to school, the military, and various personal projects that have kept me too busy and have allowed me to be really selfish.

This past year, my wife got in contact with an old highschool flame and started an online and phone affair. It was capped off with her trip to meet him, across country, while I was deployed to New Orleans during hurricane Katrina relief.

I've confronted her with it and we've been going to a great Christian counselor. We're both Christians and try our best to live godly lives. Anyways, our counselor has us reading His Needs Her Needs and turned me on to this site where I read about Plan A/B.

On Monday night I implimented an informal version of it where we sat down and I asked her that she cut off all contact with this other man. It upset her, like I knew it would but it had to be done. She understood and I did my best to do it out of love and as caring as I could.

The next day, she told him what I had asked her to do and it turns out he doesn't have quite the same l;evel of affection towards her that she thought. This devestated her and infuriated her towards me. When I got home last night we talked again and she said that she still wanted out.

I tried everything I could do to get her to commit to working it out and she wouldn't budge. She's a very quite person with such a beautiful spirit so I try not to push too hard but our lives and the lives of our kids and their welfare are at stake.

I eevntually got her to commit to it but I know she did it out of anger. She's not talking to me now and left this morning without saying goodbye. I understand her bitterness a bit, I know what it's like to have someone tell you that you're not allowed to love the person you love anymore.

Anyways, I'm writting to see if anyone else has gone through something similar. In everything I've talked to her about over the past few months, I have never had to appologize or repent for any of it. I've always prayed while we were talking and did my best to o it out of love and listen to God while doing it.

Now, I'm just not sure if pushing for a commitment to work it out was the best thing to do. At this point, I'll take what I can, but... at the same time, I'm not a big fan of my wife hating me.

Thanks,

FN

She doesn't hate you. She hates what she has done.

Not only has she betrayed you, she betrayed herself- her values and morals.

Hang in there. Keep working Plan A.

Have you read surving an affair? It will explain a lot of what she is going through.

also, read the carrot and the stick of Plan A- you can find the link in General Questions.

Yeah... hehe, I'm pretty sure she's mad at me too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I found the link to the carrot and stick, thanks. Printed it off and am keeping it with me.

We'll see if she shows up at church tonight <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


FN

Be prepared, it's a long road ahead. If I must say so I performed an exceptional Plan A and it worked but it does take time. My wife confessed to the affair in the end of July and it didn't end completely until early November. She tried to end it a couple of times before it took. We are still very early in the recovery phase. I still suffer silently every day. The thoughts repeatedly haunt me. I'm hopeful that one day all of that will be behind me. It doesn't seem fair sometimes but it's the price I'm willing to pay for my family. I got my strength from my kids. They are young and never need to know of all of this hopefully (that's another story). I was strong because I never wanted the day to come that I wasn't able to come home to them.

Best of Luck. There are many great people here. I'm not one of them because I only come by occasionally because the site brings up more bad memories than good right now. One day that will change.

I'm in the process of writting up the :Plan A letters right now. First one goes to my wife, she's already expecting it. The others go to the OM, my MIL, and the OM's parents.

Yes, he lives with his parents. Sorry, I can't help but roll my eyes and snicker on that one. Anyways, he and his family are supposedly God fearing Christians and I plan on appealing to his Christianity and morality as well as hoping he has some sort of dismay about breaking up this family and ruining the lives of my two kids.

I plan on including photos of them in the letter to his parents. Not sure if it'll work, but the idea struck me last night. Anyone try this before with any success?

And Slash, find the strength where you can my friend. This site is a comfort because it lets me know I'm not the only one going through this. All my family and church members are living examples of families that work, to some extent. Coming here, among people who share the same feelings and thoughts helps.

I pray for continued success for you and your wife and ask God to bless both of you and reward you for your patience.


FN

any suggestions or steps to implement Plan A?

I knew about the OM since Thanksgiving when I first confronted her with it. At that time she told me they were just friends but it became more apparent that something was keeping her attention away from working this thing out.

We started seeing a great MC and she had talked to him one on one during one session, when I came back in, I was told that she was going to write everything in a letter and read it to me at our next session. It was then that I realized things had gone farther than she originally let on and I confronted her about the truth two days later.

She confessed to it and told me she had expected me to kick her out but I didn't. However, it did take me a couple weeks to realize that I needed to ask her to not talk to him anymore. She knows I monitor the computer and know my way around her email account but I have stayed away from her cell phone, which is how she contacts him.

The night I asked her to cut it off, I had not planned on doing it that way. I was going to write the letter and read it to her but the conversation went very well. At least it came out well, she took it hard.

She told me she couldn't promise not to talk to him but she'd try. She did promise however to tell him what I asked and that she was going to try it. It was during that conversation with him that he told her he didn't have the same feelings towards her that she had for him. That pretty much devestated her because now, she felt used.

The next night blew up. This was Monday night, right after my first post. We're talking again and she says she's not mad at me but she's not happy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, she now feels like she has no choice but to try and work it out. She's fighting it but she's slowly resigning herself to it. At this point, I'll take what I can get for the sake of my kids. Our MC said that staying together for the kids is a place to start as long as it doesn't stay there.

Hope something I said helped. I'm still fumbling my way through it too.

FN