I have sole custody of our children, and my ex must have supervised visits, which he refuses to have because he doesn't think they're necessary. I have never badmouthed him to our children, and I allow them to talk to him on the phone; however, they rarely call him. (They are 10, 12, and 14; we divorced 3 years ago).

My ex sends them expensive presents, and calls now and then; but doesn't make alot of sense. Lately he's been sending me emails asking why his kids don't call, why I've poisoned their minds against him, why they don't love him. I'm really not sure how to respond; the truth is, he doesn't give them what they need; which is a father who will listen to them and make the effort to have supervised visits. He doesn't want to hear that. I feel bad for both sides that they can't/don't have a relationship, but it's not my fault.

Any suggestions?

Tell him exactly what you've told us here.

It's too bad that he doesn't think supervised visits aren't necessary. I don't think it's necessary for an unending diet of sweets to be unhealthy but it is.

I remember on a movie I saw long ago this actress said "My kids would rather have me miserable in the next room than happy in Hawaii." That's really true!

Kids need to be hugged, kissed, listened to and looked in the eye. Anybody can send gifts and make an occasional call. Nothing can substitute "being there."

I should probably clarify that he DOES want visits with his kids, he just doesn't want them to be SUPERVISED. It's the supervision he calls "unneccessary", not seeing his kids. He tries to make me the bad guy, telling the kids that I won't let him see them. It's true, I won't, without supervision. With supervision, I'll make the effort to have them see him as often as possible.

That was clear Anna. Your children are old enough to understand his objections and your requirements for visitation. Was it court ordered or an agreement in the divorce settlement? Either way you could give them the documents to support the fact that it is not your fault that he is not visiting them.

I can understand how he would object to that.I would also.

But if for some reason that is what happened to me, or what the court decided, I would do it anyway. I wouldn't let "supervision" or my "ego" keep me from seeing my kids. You'd be supervising me all day long. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have two friends. One who moved across the country to follow his ex-wife so he could be near his kids to see them. Gave up a career, the network of support of his friends and family and moved 2000 miles to be near the kids.

I have another friend. He claims his wife is making visitation difficult on him, and he can hardly get to see the kids. He is moving away too. Only he is moving away from his kids. He says he hardly gets to see them and is so he might as well move back to his home state. I don't get that.??? I'd find a place where I could see the kids whenever I could.

Anna, I recall why the supervision is necessary.

It could be he's setting you up for PAS, parental alienation syndrome. Read up on this, but also reiterate to him the court guidelines.
Trust your instincts,a nd they are to avoid unsupervised visits. If he wants to talk to the kids, he should call them. He's the adult.

Newly, I avoided mentioning WHY the supervision because it's a very sensitive subject and brings up alot of emotions that I don't want to detract from the subject. But you know that I am protecting my children and no court in this county will ever change that order. As to PAS, you could be right, but I'm not too worried, as the kids would tell a judge that I have them send him thank you cards, let them call anytime, and have actually supervised Christmas visits with him myself (in a public restaurant). I also have copies of the letters I"ve sent him in which I told him who the kids' counselor is and tell him he's welcome to meet with the counselor and the kids together. He just won't do it, and now says he's going to Iraq on a job; might as well, since he doesn't see the kids anyway, is his attitude.

Perhaps I have to admit to myself that there is nothing I can do to ever make a "normal" relationship between the kids and their dad happen and be happy that their stepdad has become a very meaningful part of their lives. I just know it's gotta hurt to not have your biological dad want to do whatever it takes to be there with you.

Tom,
I have the same attitude. I don't understand why he doesn't. But, the court ordered supervision for very good reasons, even if he doesn't see that. Unfortunately, he didn't see the actions that caused the supervision order as wrong either, which is really scary. The order actually said he had to go through counseling until the counselor said it was safe to be alone with the children, and he won't do that either..........so it leads me to believe he's really hiding something.

I don't stop in here much, mostly "After Divorce" forum, but I'm glad I did today. Has it really been three years?! Doesn't a bad day in the new life beat heck out of a good day in the old one? Maybe that's just me!

Stick to your agreement, Anna. He can see them whenever he'd like to schedule a supervised visit. Don't ever back down from that ... don't hand him that ammo. There is a force field around you and your children. Let his comments bounce harmlessly off.

Hi, Anna!

I remember you too...from "way back when"...and I remember your whole story too. Sweetie, I know that you know in your heart of hearts that the visitations were ordered to be supervised due to potential harm to the children. I KNOW that you know that. I also know that your exH has consistently denied any personal responsibility or accountability for the things that are HIS problems. In fact, when the problems are glaringly obvious, he denies them and blames others!!

Thus, when he asks "his kids don't call"--it would be reasonable to perhaps say, "because visiting them wasn't more important than proving you were right." When he asks, "why have you poisoned their minds against me"--it would be reasonable to perhaps say, "I only gave them the facts and the evidence and let them decide on their own." And when he asks, "why they don't love him" maybe you could say, "because you are the parent and did not treat them in a loving way."

My point is not to tell you what to say, but more to de-fog his babble. He is not wanting to search his own self and see what he did to contribute to his kids cutting him out--he just wants to blame others. He is not wanting to change his ways and seek treatment or accept responsibility--he just is doing what he has always done and it is ALL (yes ALL) nothing but blame, projection, and babble. He is trying to pull you into the abuse cycle again and engage you again with inflammatory words that tend to push your buttons. Can you see that??

Seriously, I mean not disrespect but probably the healthiest way you can respond to this (consider who HE is and that he will not change) is just ignore it.




FNCJ

Very simple and straight forward ...

Supervision and Custody are under domain of the court. If he didn't like it he could go back there and ask to change it. At this point it is not your decision.

I would follow the decree/judgement to the dotted lines to cover your behind if he ever bring you back.

JMO -rh-

Stay with what is stipulated in your decree.

If he wants to see the kids simply refer him to the decree. He has the legal right and ability to see them as outlined in the decree. He is choosing not to act on his parental rights.

Tell him he has a choice and he is choosing to do nothing.

As far as the kids calling him...that probably isn't going to happen, especially considering their ages. Kids are selfish creatures by nature. It's all about them.

If he wants to establish a communication link with them he will have to do the calling.

My DD is 12 and the only time she calls is when she wants something. That took me a little while to accept. I keep our relationship close by taking advantage of all possible parenting times. That's what your X needs to do.

Hi CJ and Princess! Great to see you! Yep, life is much much better now. And today I got another email that could be summed up in one word:

FOG


He asked why I have lied to people about the 2 years he spent in prison and why. (Huh? My attorney read me quite a bit of the 75 pages of court documentation.) He said I lied in court, divorced him "behind his back". (I'm sure I remember him being there!) He is totally rewriting history and playing mind games again. So, I did what I probly should have done in the first place. Moved the email to a new folder called "the ex files" and ignored it. I'm not answering another email or phone call, it's a waste of time, effort, and energy. The end.

:-)