Not sure where I am going with this. I needed to vent, I turned to you all. Now be honest and if honesty is harsh that is fine as well.
A little background. (I did have an old account as I have been on here since 2001 ,but do not recall the information. I have been married 10 years to a serial cheater. Together 15
WH had an affair in 01 that resulted in OC. Could not leave home therefore stayed. I plan A’d but the affair continued. I enabled him to do what he did for the 2 years following the original affair. In Aug of 03 I had my DS, (our 1st child). WH left our home in Nov of 03 to live with OW #2 and her 4 children. OW #1 and OC just stopped seeing WH. She keeps OC from him. Now when WH first left home we would still see each other , talk daily, have dinner. Etc etc. Now I know ,that all I have done to myself is hold myself back from healing. And yes I did all this knowing he had a girlfriend whom he lived with.
Its been 2 years since he left home. In the beginning he would say he loved me , missed me and that in a few months he would be home. He just needed to get this out of his system. A few months is now 2 years. I used to cry constantly and literally beg him to come home. He would say no, blamed everything on me. Affairs , OC, his misery. I still did not stop loving him or wanting him. I guess I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. We have not been intimate in about 6 months, and it is due to me saying No. Everytime we would be intimate I would just cry and get so damn angry because he would go right back to his girlfriend. Now she is not a class act. She has done him wrong in many ways but he forgives her and stays. He says it is because he wants to do things right in his life. He wants something to work for once. As for me , a couple of months back I had all my divorce paperwork completed and given to me by my attorney. I have not filed the paperwork as of yet and honestly I do not know why. I don’t know what I am waiting for anymore. He has been gone for years and physically for 2. I am so confused and frustrated with myself. I want to move on with my life but do not know how to let go. And then I realize there is nothing I am holding onto and there is nothing to let go, he is gone. Today he called and told me his girlfriend was buying a house. He says he is not moving with her to the new house. He doesn’t want to do that with someone else he wants to do that with me. But in my heart I feel different I know what is coming and I know what I need to do, I just don’t know how to go about doing it. I never plan B’d my excuse was for my child. We talk daily 5-6 times a day. And I get text messages throughout the day and night. My frustration is that I am 30 years old my child is 2. I am an independent woman, a single mother and have a good job. And I am not even unattractive. I know I could meet someone. But I am hooked on a man who wants me only for his comfort. Its all I have ever done with him. Make life comfortable for him. I told myself this year is a year for new beginnings. We did not own a home and I am now moving out of the rental home we lived in together. I have never been alone. I left home at 17 to live with him. I am moving into an apartment next month and it will just be me and my child. I was not alone these past few years as my sister moved in with me about a week before he left.
I am babbling on and on and probably don’t make any sense. I just don’t want to love him the way I do, I don’t want to miss him anymore and I am tired of being tired and waiting for someone who is not coming back. How do I start living again? I am so young , I want to be married , I want more children. How do I move on?
Thanks for reading, even though it doesn’t make any sense.
J
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Married 02/14/96
DDay – 11/11/01
OC 3 years old
DS – 2 years old
