Can someone explain this to me, please?

I've just read elsewhere that it's better for the WS to end the A than the A dying its natural death. Why is this?

My initial thought is because it can take years for an affair to die its natural death.

Besides, in the end, I'd rather my wife came back to me because she found her way back to me, not because her affair got uninteresting.

If the affair dies it's normal death, it doesn't really mean the WS has changed or corrected their ways, does it? It just means the person they were seeing is no longer desireable. This type of WS might very well fall into another affair with someone else soon after.

Hey, RT,

I'd like to know the answer, too.

I have a theory...my H ended his A, almost against his will. That left him feeling resentful (for awhile) and still holding OW up high, with no faults. I was really hurt (I was one to give my power to OW on a platter) living with that for several months.

We're recovering really well, I think. Maybe because of the guilt/shame. At least he can stand on the fact he took action and ended it, did the right thing--not that it fell apart. He has now said it would have because he can see it was a fantasy. Maybe if it combusts (and it will) on its own, then the WS can point to the other person failing them yet again (like BS supposedly did) and have no way to say they did the hard thing, the right thing. Which would make recovery (personal recovery especially) that much more difficult?

Okay, I'll stand by that. My own A died a natural death within three months. I still bear the guilt, the cowardice, for not recognizing my H's pain at the time nor taking action, even against the good feelings. I waited until they went bad, and now I have the spoilage. And I didn't learn from its demise--I pointed to the OP and thought two things...one, what a loser, and two, I'm a loser for picking someone like him. The whole time, it was about me. Even knowing that now, I don't know how to fully forgive myself.

That's all I got. I would love others to give me the right answer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Its because the Wayward Spouse chooses the marriage. The marriage heals faster when the WS chooses to save the marriage, rather than if the WS returns after a failed attempt at a second relationship.

Also, the BS feels better about the WS reconcilation efforts, feels better about it not happening again, and doesn't feel like second choice (booby prize).

The recovery and healing is faster when the WS ends the affair and chooses the Marriage, rather than waiting and all the damage that occurs during the death of the affair.

I think it is just common sense. I've read also that the marriages that stand the best change of recovering are the ones where the WS ends the affair and chooses the BS on D-day or shortly thereafter.

I think it shows the BS that the WS realizes that they made a terrible mistake and want the marriage.

Thanks, everyone. I was guessing at bits and pieces of this, but wanted something more concrete than my shots in the dark. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you, Tom!

I think you just gave me a way back to myself. At least a step toward it. I did end up choosing the marriage. At least I've got that. And it wasn't because the A fizzled (failed). I still didn't get it then. It took me realizing that I wanted the marriage...my H, more than anyone and I wanted myself to be a great wife to H.

There's a little redemption in that...after a year and half. Thank you very much. Still hope for me who did it wrong, right?

LA

There's always hope LA. And more than that, there is sucess for people who make the right choices. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Did I mention before, I really like that screen name. Says alot.

You know my WH....I don't exactly know how to classify him so we'll just still call hm that...ended the affair with OW but I really forced it, and he is hella resentful, and we are separated yet again.

So I dunno, I don't know if he's gonna try it again with OW, I'm not talking to him, so he could be running around with his hair on fire and unless he ran directly through my apartment, I'd never know.

I know that I am the best choice, even if he doesn't know it yet. And I don't know that this fact will even save my marriage, I hope it will, but I still feel good knowing that I am by far superior to someone that would sleep with another persons spouse, end of story.

So I guess I don't care how it ends, just that it DOES end.

God Bless,

-Caren

Caren:

I don't think you "forcing" your WH to end the affair has anything whatsoever to do with you being separated again from him NOW. Not a thing.

It is tempting to buy into the "resentment" theory, and yes, in a perfect world it would be great if Waywards ("manned up") and ended the affair by choice, but we all know it is not that simple. I think waiting for an affair to "burn out" would be paramount to watching your house burn down hoping the fire flames out and not calling the FD in the mean time. While a WH/WS is in an affair, there is NO CHANCE for recovery......getting the affair stopped (by any means) at least gives you a chance (if that is what you want).

"Resentment", "anger"....LOL, you are gonna get that anyway from the WS in recovery (affair forced to end or not) , so you might as well go down fighting and with some dignity.

That's how I see it anyway. I am sure others will see it differently.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lemon-

You are correct, and I like the house burning down analogy.

I wasn't ready for your truths for a long, long time....but I am now.

And you're right....he'd have been mad and self righteous any way I sliced it.

I've got my dignity, he's flailing around like an idiot <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

-Caren