Hi everyone,<BR>I don't post for a long time and then I take up residence. This AM H was talking to our son over coffee. Son is also Hs partner. H was speaking to our son about his wife and being very derrogatory. I listened and finally said, "Pluck first the mote from thine own eye." H went back and forth for awhile and then shut up. My son and I were talking later and he said H has just forgotten how to overlook others frailities. At lunch H and I were discussing, (he broached the subject) and he said he was totally shocked at himself. He said he could not remember ever being so arrogant and critical. I asked if he thought it had anything to do with the attitudes he developed while he was with OW, he said that even though he had denied it before he saw no other explanation for his attitude. Then I said, "Remember when I said I hadn't changed it was you?" <BR> He said, "I didn't want to admit it before but I think you're right."<BR>I told him I thought he erased my best friend and became what she thought he should be. I said he would have to get started fixing it because he didn't like the man he saw this morning. I think he's been hiding from himself. Patience. Do I have enough? What would I be doing otherwise? Sometimes I want to bean him and get his attention. <BR><P>------------------<BR>alleyoop<BR>

A footnote to my post........just in case you guys think we are talking. NOT. I am listening and staying up. If an opportunity presents itself I speak in soft and sweet tones. Nothing else. He will still RUN & HIDE! LOL<P>------------------<BR>alleyoop<BR>

<BR><p>[This message has been edited by alleyoop (edited September 29, 1999).]

Not sure what to say, except it is good that he wants to stop being so arrogant and stop looking at others frailties.<P>Are you SURE that he changed his personality because SHE wanted him to? I don't think that people normally do this. They might change parts of their lifestyle, and behavior, but not part of their personality.<P>He's picked up some bad habits. He is still who he is. Behavior can be relearned. Just like communication skills can be learned.<P>I think what really might be going on, is a heart condition - because out of the mouth shows the heart!<P>TNT

Thanks for the imput TNT........I think you're right. I typed it wrong but hes the one who said he didn't like the man he saw this morning. I feel more hopeful than I have in a very long time. He is a very complex man......maybe we are all complex. He stopped loving me and denied it. Tonight he said that he didn't know when or why he had stopped loving me but that he wanted the love back. I have browbeat myself to overcome the anger and resentment. He has begun to remember us before. He must have stopped loving me way before the computer and I just didn't know. How could I not know? How could our love be ended and me not know? He told me after the cyber thing that he didn't love me as much as he thought he did. I have the feeling that if he loved me and knew it......then the guilt he would have felt while cheating would have deminished the enjoyment of the affair. Does that make any sense? He said today that it makes him feel beligerant when he is called on something.....and then when he thinks it over he feels doubly bad. I just try to love him and hope we make it over this hump. I really appreciate your help. Sometimes I feel like I'm caught in a great puzzle.....the solutions are so illusive. <BR>Love, Karen<P>------------------<BR>alleyoop<BR>

Well, during the affair, pretty much most of the deposits in the lovebank you were trying to give him were frozen. He couldn't access what was in the bank, and you couldn't earn any interest. You couldn't do anything but make withdrawals. So no wonder he felt that way. I think that is normal.<P>I don't think it had anything to do with how he felt in his soul. I think it had to do with being caught up in the fantasy. <P>And guilt? Wow, what makes guilt set in? Maybe a topic for a new thread? Maybe because it felt so good, and you were only able to make withdrawals - he justified to his conscience over and over again that he had nothing to feel guilty for.<P>Wasn't this an internet affair? Emotional Affair? I don't remember. But I think it is much easier to not feel guilty during an emotional affair than a real live physical affair. <P>Most denials come through the emotional affairs. Not only denying that it was wrong, but denying it was an affair.<P>TNT

Hi TNT,<BR>You are so wise. I think that you hit it exactly. The problem I have seen with the emotional affair is that the fact that he chose a "fantasy" over real life just makes the solution more illusive. What am I competing with? Why would he chose a stranger and fantasy? I have always been starved for affection and intimacy in our marriage...........I just learned to accept that he was obviously in control of that. I had been very open and sexual and he was only responsive for the first few months of our marriage. It may never be any different. It is very hard to accept that a fantasy is better than me. Sound whinney? Only here.........he will never hear it. Thankyou for your imput, I appreciate any advice I can get.<BR>Hugs, Karen<P>------------------<BR>alleyoop<BR>