Tomorrow is 1 year since I discovered and confronted my then WW on her LTA. I read here often and have appreciated the many wise voices here, it's been a rollercoaster ride as advertized. You can gather the quick details on my signature below but I never thought it would happen (hence "no way"), I was wrong.
One of the recurring questions that seem to come up are: does the pain go away, can we work through this, is it worth it?... Upon some reflection and after a year in which I've done a consistent plan A, learned more painful details that I never knew, both of us were in IC (for a little while) and are still in MC; I offer the following thoughts.
Is it worth it? Depends if your WS wants to break work through the fog and come back to you, but if they do, then it's worth fighting for it. Her reading SAA and going to counseling were good indications to me she wanted to break through the fog. Lay out your boundaries and be ready to go into plan B. I didn’t go to B but came very close at the six month mark after a surprising break in NC that she said was what made her turn the corner on the OM and the addiction. I still hope this was true and not a lie to get past a very critical time.
Trust – still working on this, probably will for a long time, particularly after that break in NC I mentioned. I’m still suspicious, wondering if somehow a bad mood or behavior on her part is related to some secret that I don’t know about, probably not but the thoughts alway cross my mind. My IC said if there was something afoot behind the scenes, it will show up, she (the IC) recommended I not look back but look forward, this has been difficult but good advice, I’m still working on re-routing my thinking here. I guess this is par for the course.
Pain – Still there, I think about it everyday, it’s deadened some but I know I’ll never forget it. Still, she and I have grown closer and had more heart-hearts than we ever had in 16 years. Danger brings crisis and opportunity I guess.
Forgiveness – My priest said forgiveness is a decision. Honestly, I think my forgiveness is conditional - I forgive her only if she can remain committed and faithful, if she someday returns to the OM, then I can't see forgiving her.
Faith – Praying and reflecting, particularly on bearing the crosses of life, helps considerably. I pray daily for fidelity, love and peace of mind for both of us. This has helped me though the 3 two month deployments I’ve had to go on in the past year. One more this spring before I move to a more steady assignment.
Commitment – I do get some peace of mind from knowing I’ve worked hard on learning from the past, doing a good plan A and trying to be a better person. If she and I can keep working through the past and build a better future, then I remain married to the woman I’ve always loved. On the other hand, if it somehow goes south, then I tried, I hope this doesn’t happen though. My FWW is making noise about moving into a bigger house and I’m just not ready for this move yet b/c I’m still watching to see if we’re stable for the long term (plus the market seems to be changing too).
Most times, reading people’s thoughts and counsel here helps but admittedly there are other times that it takes me back and gets me ruminating over the negatives and wondering about what I don’t know in our past. Thanks for your support and I hope this helped a few of the people wishing they could get to the next week, much less the next year. Keep your chin up and know that you will come through this stronger than before, with or without your S. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
