Posted this in the EN Forum.... But not getting alot of response, Heard this forum was one of the more active. Hoping for some advice

Ok, here is some backstory prior to my questions. My Wife and I are both 26 years old. We have been together for 7 years, Married since April. We met in College and lived together for nine months prior to our wedding. She is the love of my life and I adore her more than anything. I feel she is my soulmate and I have never wanted anyone else other than her.
Six Weeks ago she told me she was unhappy. I was knocked off my feet. She had dropped hints that she was bored and such a couple times. I overlooked them. We have been going to MC and I have been trying to meet her EN's. I have really focused on being the man I should of been the whole time. She says that its not me and it is her.
She's told me that She isn't sure if I'm the one for her anymore. She says that she thinks we married too early, That she never had a chance to be independent because she went from home right into college and our relationship. She says she needs to find herself.
She wants to take a break for awhile and have one of us move out. She says its either this or Divorce and she isn't sure thats what she wants.

My questions are: Can a seperation like this be helpful? Is it something that can work?

My fears are that she will go and never come back. I don't have a support structure around me. My entire family has moved and My wife is my best Friend. Most nights I cry myself to sleep, out of loneliness and fear.

Well, at the risk of being cynical, I will say that your W is uttering the classic words of someone in an affair, if not physical it is emotional. I would do some homework, and find out who is in her life. MC will not work if she is having an affair. The separation to "find" herself is often just an excuse to go be with the other man.

Do some serious reading on this site, find out if someone else is in the marriage besides you, and if you do, it is time for plan A.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

we spoke the other night and she had someone she was speaking to several months ago. She says nothing happened and that they haven't spoken in months.

I think you will need to probe a bit further. Also, let's take her at her word. Does she specify why she is unhappy? Does she offer reasons why your absence would make her happier? Does she have any medical issues such as depression?

Time to do your homework, and that would include whether or not you are love busting her in some way.

God Bless,

JL

I'm afraid I agree with JL, it sounds like classic affair talk, and although I'm quite sure this isn't what you want to hear, it is better to know so that you can better equip yourself to save your marriage.

I have found that my family and friends aren't really all that supportive when they find out that we're dealing with an affair, almost all the advice you'll get from sources other than Marriage Builders will most likely be....."She cheated on you? Divorce her!" There is generally very little wiggle room in most peoples minds, they think if it ever happened to them, that's what they'd do........I thought that too, but I'm hear to tell you I'd never give anyone that advice again.

So do some homework, find out what's going on, don't ask her directly, she'll just lie to you and get all defensive, do some digging, check out her cell phone records online, find out who she's talking to, get a P.I. if you can afford it, and then it's time for plan A and exposure.

You will feel much better when you have some direction and a plan, I can almost guarantee it, it is awful to sit and spin your wheels.

Trust your gut, it's telling you what's going on.

God Bless,

-Caren

I have spoken to her about my actions... I was lovebusting, but in the 6 weeks since this all started I have really focused on making changes in my life to meet her needs.

She says she is unhappy because she feels she missed out on life, being single, putting her needs first, doing things without permission from me. I don't think that she has medical depression. We have been seeing an MC and nothing like that has been talked about. We are still able to talk, laugh, be together. She shyes away from physical contact though. I tell her I love her and I get "uh-huh" or "I know"

fighting.....

This is an infidelity board, most people deal with affairs and what your W says sounds like what WW say. Having said that, my H left and there is not A (I have found no proof, none, zero). Anyway, I heard the same stuff you are hearing.

Most people that are not happy find someone to confind in. Soon it turns into an A. They feel comfortable talking to the OP, the other person makes them feel good, soon they start comparing you to the OP, and of course the OP looks more "desirable", etc.....

But I believe there a few individuals that do not go the A root and choose to get out of the R when not happy. I believe my H is that person, it looks like stu's W is that person. There are not many of them on here, but they do exist.

So, your W may well be one of these. With no A. But, you need to look into this, find the lack of evidence, to convince yourself that she is not having an A.

Now, my H said exactly what your W says. H was not happy, wanted to seperate to find himself, to figure things out, to have space, freedom, etc. You have problems in your R, but very likely your W has issues in her life as well. She is not happy with the R AND with her life. Unfortunately, when a person is in an R, they convince themself, "I am not happy in this R", not that they are not happy with other aspect of their lives. The R is always and everywhere teh cause! Nothing else is the cause. Sad, but true. Your wife is bored, she can get a hobby. Get out do stuff. Mix it up, do something new, etc. Why does she have to be out of the house to do that? The logic is really not there.

I am sorry to say, she is in "blame all on the M" mode. It will not go away unless addressed. I am afraid that if she is really detemined to seperate, you trying to convince her otherwise, will cause her to want it even more. She will begin to feel traped in the M, she will want out more then ever. See, your tendency will be to pull her close, while she is trying to pull away.

I really suggest you get the book "Divorce Busting" ASAP! It has great ideas! Seriously, you got to do what she does not expect.

Do read up on Emotional Needs here adn try to do your best to meet them. But be careful, you do not want to be needy now. She wants out, if you try too hard to 'want' the relationship, she will want out more. This is why, I think if you are not dealing with an A, get the Divorce Busting book and try to impliment it. Work on you. Get out there, even if she does not want to. Do something different. I.e. do what she does not expect. Throw her off. But don't appear needy. When someone is thinking seperation, the last think they want is a person trying to hold them in the R. It is a deal breaker. You cannot force someone to stay in an R, that is a fact. They have to want to be there.

Best of luck to you.

Daisy

Good luck to you.

Hon, you're spinning your wheels, stop guessing, start snooping. I repeat DO NOT ASK HER, do not even hint to her....keep doing plan A....I would stop the "I love you's" and say it more with actions....she knows you love her, now show her.

She probably shy's away from physical contact because she feels guilty....most women don't have the duality to be intimate with more than one person.

I think it's at least a good idea to explore this avenue. I know you don't want to, and I've been where you are, finding every shred of evidence to disprove this theory.....and if that's what you need to do, approach it from that angle, you are proving us wrong <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

-Caren

As others have suggested, snoop around some & see what she is doing while you two arent together. Her saying that she thinks you two married too early & that she never had a chance to be independent, etc, etc.......my xWW said the same stuff. It sounds like she is being coached.

Find out who she is talking to. It could be another guy or friends who are telling her things like this. My xWW was coached by the OM & her friends. Other people can be very very convincing. You two have been together for 7 years &got married, so it is odd she feels trapped now after all that time.

Something is up. Snoop around & see what you find out.

Above all, don't move out. You can't stop her if she wants to. Let her do what she wants. Don't try to convince her or educate her. Certainly dont mention snooping or anything about affairs. Dont fall for the tactic of getting her flowers, gifts, etc....she wont accept them anyway (I did this & obviously it didnt work).

Be on your best behavior, try to meet her needs & take the moral high road. Thats the key to all this. Remember, you can only control what you do...not her.

fighting....

Please IGNORE everything I wrote. I just found out my H is having an A.

I guess I was the naive one!!!!! Don't get caught up in that.


So sorry you are dealing with this.

Daisy

I have some stuff from the past, possibly an EA. More of a person she could talk to. I have been trying to be there for her. I want to show her I love her, Its so hard for me to not say it when I see her.

So if there is Someone else.... what do I do?

Anyone have a step by step guide to Plan A? I've read the article but am not sure how to implement it.

I am so freaking out right now...

Do I confront her with the A? Do I call the # I have? I couldn't sleep all last night and I'm so confused, torn. I would do anything to fix this....

Hi Fighting!

You have come to the right place. I am responding to you to ask that you do not do anything until some experienced member form the board responds to you!


I am kinda bumping your post!

Give some more info.
How did you find the number?
Good luck and take the advice of these people, they know what they are talking about.

Fighting, Plan A is simply filling your wife's emotional needs without expecting her to fill yours, staying away from Emotional outbursts and Disrespectful Judgements and just basically showing her you love her, but just know, it's REALLY hard because they will buck your efforts at every turn.

No, don't confront her, you need more information first. More proof, you have to have absolute irrefutable (sp?) proof... and a lot of it, because if not she'll just deny it and explain it away and try to make you think you're crazy.

You will confront her with it, now just isn't the time. You need to try to get her to fill out the emotional needs questionnaire on this site, print off one for her and one for you. If she won't fill it out, you'll have to make an educated guess as to what her EN's are and start trying to fill them.

A lot of people can give you a lot of help in the filling needs area once you figure out what they are.

And breathe........don't forget to breathe. I know it seems like your world is caving in right now, but just take it slow, don't do anything rash, just try to keep a cool head (easier said than done) and start Plan Aing.

I can tell from your posts that you are starting to panic, that's normal. I've been to this site with a question that was so urgent to me, and no one was around to post....and it get's worse on the weekends (But I'll make sure to check in on you at least this weekend). You'll be okay, we'll help you.

Good Luck and God Bless,

-Caren

I thought part of Plan A was knowing that she was leaving the A. How can I know for sure if I don't confront her about it?

Plan A you do in an effort to try to show your WS that your marriage is a viable alternative to her affair, so her leaving the affair will hopefully be the effect of plan A, but not always, so prepare for that.

Also, she will probably be venomous to you at times, when you are trying to fill her emotional needs, she'll say really mean stuff, but you have to just let that roll off your back and know that this isn't really your wife you're dealing with, but more like someone who's been abducted by aliens.

I know that you want the A to end RIGHT NOW, we all have felt that, but once you start Plan Aing you'll start to feel a little better, because at least you're doing SOMETHING constructive to try to save you marriage.

I am actually really good at Plan A, and I can give you some tips, but you first have to figure out what her EN's are, concentrate on the top 2 or 3 EN's.

You will confront her, but you have to have proof that she won't be able to wiggle out of. Presenting her with every little shred you find as you find it is only going to tick her off. You need to save it up, so that it'll pack a whallop when you do confront her.

So while you are Plan Aing, you are also possibly hiring a P.I., you are checking her cell phone records on the internet and printing them off and putting them somewhere safe, you are doing all kinds of background checking. Put spyware on your computer and see what she's doing there...stuff like that.

You are also going to prepare for eventual exposure of the affair to people who would have influence over your WW and over the OM. If they are co-workers you'll notify their work, her family, her friends....etc. You have to find out if he too is married. Stuff like that and save it up....because exposure should be done in one fell swoop....all in a short time span. To expose the Affair to the light of day.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair??? You absolutely must read that so you'll have some background, and keep coming here with your questions, I know it's confusing, but we'll help you navigate hon.

So start some of that stuff, I have to get ready for work (I keep saying that and I keep sitting here).

((((Hugs)))))

Good luck and God Bless,

-Caren

I know that confronting her is bad, what about him? I dialed his # from a pay phone this morning and got his name off the machine.... is it viable to put pressure on him to end it, or is that counterproductive because then she will not have come back on her own, but because of lack of another option?

Don't confront him either yet, since we haven't gotten to the point where we've even confronted her. But keep the number, and it's good that you got his name. Why don't you put his name into the search engine at www.zabasearch.com , it's free and it could pull up his address.

Concentrate on your investigation at this stage, and her Emotional needs. Have you pulled up the questionnaire and seen what the list is?

I know how you feel hon, and your sense of urgency to confront and get it over with, but you need to bide your time, you want to be able to meet some of those needs to begin with, and when you have enough evidence you can confront her.

People on here have mixed feelings about confronting the OP, I'm not sure, someone else may want to comment on that part.

You should find out if this guy is married......or has a signifigant other that can be told during the exposure phase, it's helpful if they do.

Start snooping!!!! Enter his name at Zabasearch....you've already gotten it off of his voice mail. Now start finding out what this slimeball is all about. Do your WW and he work together??? Have you tried to access her cell phone records online??? It's generally pretty easy, especially if she hasn't set it up online already.

Good luck and God Bless,

-Caren