My H and have been married for 6 years and have know each other for 12 years. We have 3 children aged 5, 3 and 1.

Soon after our youngest child was born a colleague of my H’s began frequenting our home on the pretext that she was taking him or dropping him off from meetings or dropping him at the airport. When I eventually got back to work I spotted them around town in her car. I eventually confronted him on this but he denied an affair.

About 4 months ago he asked me to leave our home as he needed “space to think” and I did but returned later after we had some long talks. He eventually admitted the affair and said that he wanted to leave. He left for a while and stayed with the OW for a few days and then asked to come home. This has gone on repeating itself like this now for about 5 months where he says he’s leaving and then changes his mind. Eventually on New Years day he asked for a divorce. I was upset but agreed to it but then he turned around and said he did not want to make it final but still wanted to move out at the end of the month.

Neither of us has been very good at meeting the other’s needs (His need for admiration and my need for affection). I am willing to work things out and I am really trying to avoid and LB’s but he’s says he really doesn’t want to try.

Should I try to convince him to stay or am I flogging a dead horse. He says the affair is over and it probably is because they got into trouble at work (she was his supervisor and promoted her over some other people).

Please advise me.

Consider the following:

1. Secure your finances - the A is a very selfish beast
2. Get with a good MC. See if you can do phone counseling with Steve @ MB.

3. Identify your boundaries.
4. Read SAA, Hn/Hn & Love must be tough books.
5. Take the EN questionnaire.
6. No more ILY's. Use other words like safe and care.
7. Don't let him shirk from his responsibilities. If it is his weekend with the children, let him take them.

8. Read up on plans A & B. Implement them when you can. Don't say too much at one time.

L.

Dear Orchid,

Thanks for the reply. I read Plan A/Plan B and I also read the 5 stages of grieving and they have been very helpful. Thanks for the advice.

Last night my H told me he no longer felt anything and felt the sooner one of us moved out the better. I could not believe the way he just stood there as if he couldn't care less the pain he was causing. He says I should just get on with my life 'cause he's no longer interested. He is so callous about it that I think I should file for divorce because I worry that if I leave it to him he will abandon the kids without a second thought. So I am taking your advice and securing my finances and identifying boundaries.


The pain is still hard to deal with but I am looking for the necessary support. I live outside the US so I can't have MC with the Harley's though I would love to. I do have the books and I am reading them and putting them into practice. They have been of great help so far.

Thanks for the support.

Lakeri

Orchid: Good, keep reading. Looks like u may need to read Love must be Tough by Dr James Dobson. Read His Needs/ Her Needs by Dr Harley.


Orchid: Yea, that's the WS babbling. Can you tell the difference yet?

Here's how can answer such stupid babble......

WS: One of us needs to move out. I no longer feel anything for you.

BS: Is that so? Well then you'd better start packing, this is my home and WS' are not wanted here.

NOTE: Refer to him as a WS in the 3rd party mode. Call the OW by her last name. I used to call the OW (Mrs. ________ ) and did not use her 1st name. Kept her more distant and always reminded the WS that the OW did not have my name. She wanted it though. Even signed in hotels as Mrs. M). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: More babble. As for filing. Do it when u r ready. Many WS want to push the BS to do the D work for them.....don't let him get to you this much. Instead when he throws it at you, don't fight it, just throw it back.... like:

WS: u need to go and get a D. I don't love you anymore.

BS: Really..... well then hurry up and get that D.

Many a WS get thrown off when the BS throws it back.


Orchid: It is painful. If you can't utilize the phone counseling, ready the books and keep posting here.

take care,
L.

Are you sure the affair is over? I would do some checking. Then do a solid Plan A.

If anyone moves out of the family home, it needs to be him.

Interesting that you should ask. It turns out that the affair isn't over. Actually the OW seems to have stepped up a gear. She had stopped calling him at home but she started again.

He insists that he has to leave and that he just can't think while at home. He will not consider counselling and tries to pick a fight whenever I try to talk. I am working hard at avoiding all LBs so when he starts like that I just end the discussion. I'm putting plan A into action but he is doing everything he can to make it hard to follow through. He knows I have a short temper so he is doing everything he knows to set it off. It is killing me but I will not give in to his intimidation.

Over the last week a lot has taken place. I am not sure if I am at Plan A or Plan B because I didn’t really plan all this as I went along.

H and I had a long discussion in which he insisted that he no longer wanted to stay married to me and he didn’t want to make any effort to try again. (At the same time he said that he didn’t particularly want a divorce or anything formal because he hadn’t thought that far). I accepted this for now but told him that I was always open for discussion. Despite this we continued to live together and share the same bed but with absolutely no physical contact. This eventually became too uncomfortable for me and although I was against it at first, I have moved out of the house. I wrote him a note indicating that I am going to stay away until he is ready to move to his apartment which will be ready at the end of the month. (He does have other options of places he could go, but he just doesn’t seem that pressed to leave although he insists that he is uncomfortable staying with me.

The next day we met for lunch to resolve certain issues. I tried not to discuss anything about our relationship (anything unpleasant or the like), but he went on to tell me that he felt much better now that I was away and that for the first time, he actually slept peacefully. I told him that was good and I had also slept well. He also said that he wants to keep the children. I made it clear that that was out of the question and that I was just staying away until he moves out.

I now believe strongly that he has resumed the affair or that it never ended. If that is not the case, then he has maintained contact with the OW because she has started calling him frequently and openly on his phone again.

I still want to save my marriage, but I am beginning to think it is over. Did I do the right thing? What should I do? How long does this fog last because I don’t think I will endure much of it.

L.

I am totally devastated. I just don't know what to do any more.

My WH left home about a month ago. At first I thought I could handle it because he was just out of our lives. If he intended to go on with the affair I presumed it would die a natural death and he would eventually get out of the fog. Now he has quit his current job where he worked with the OW and I thought that was a good thing but I am not so sure about that any more. You see the affair had been exposed at the work place and it had become uncomfortable for them to continue, but now that he has quit there is nothing to stop them.

He now spends a lot of time with the kids he just makes sure he goes to see them when I am not there and he insists on picking them up from school everday although he was not so willing to do this while he was still at home. He takes them out on trips a thing that he hardly ever did while at home. I am happy for them because now their father is paying them some attention, but is this the price that we have to pay for them to get that attention.

My H insists on calling me every time he is going to see the kids but makes sure he does it before I get home. He also keeps updating me on things in his life but if I show any interest he becomes cold and distant. He told me about his new job and how he is going to get a substantial pay rise. He also talks about contributing things to the home, but in the same breath he tells me how he is working on furnishing his new house and about his new life. I just can't take this double talk any more and I have decided to not speak to him for now. If he wishes to communicate he can do that through someone else, but it still hurts so much and I don't know how to cope.

Please help me to cope,

Lakeri

U have to decide when you will stop allowing the WS to come and go in your life and that of your children. U see he likes that freedom to inflict pain on you so the longer you tolerate the more he will keep doing it....when this bores him he will step up the pain.

Decide now what you will allow. Best to look at your separation or D options and make child custody a requirement. He will use the children against you so secure your finances and check out your legal options.

BTW, he isn't being a better parent even if he is spending more time by being separated. That is a farce and if you are believing it, you are in the fog also.....get out of that fog.

L.

Hi,

I am feeling a lot better than I did when I last posted. As I mentioned before my H left home. it has been about a month and a half. At first he was in and out the house whenever he felt like as long as I was not there. I put a stop to this and made it clear when he would see the children. Once I did this he started ranting and raving to just about anyone who would listen. The last I heard was that he was swearing to everyone that he would not go back and they should not try to convince him to, but as far as I know they are not trying to convince him to come back. I only communicate with him on urgent matters concerning the children but of late he calls on matters that he used to able to handle perfectly well on his own. I ususlly give him the informationhe wants with as little discussion as possible. i don't discus personal matters with him. I get the feeling that he is getting angry mainly because I am not doing things the way he would want and also because I have not collapsed and died because he left. I'm also not so sure that he found the grass as green as he expected. The OW was notorious for having affairs with married men, some of which are still on-going and with friends of his although he never believed this. It was probably a lot more convenient for her when he was at home, then she could pace the A the way she wanted. He is probably getting too demanding for her and he is getting angry with me instead. She's been denying the affair ever happened and saying that I made it up.

He had the " it works for me so the rest of you had better like it" attitude. Now I think it is not working so well and he wants everyone to think that it is so he tells them all that he can't go back because we are both so much happier now. He never used to discuss our issues with anyone but now he is talking to anyone who cares to listen. I have just decided to continue with the plan B and let him and the OW burn themselves out. Then maybe once he's out of the fog I can give him a listening ear. Until then I am trying to look after myself. It is not easy, I will not lie and there are some days when I really feel down, but on the whole I am feeling a lot better about myself. The only problem now is I sometimes think to myself that I actually don't want this man back and that he is not worth my time. I actually worry that if he comes back I won't know what to do with him. I grieve for the loss of my marriage, but I am not sure that I love him any more. Is this normal? Will it pass and if I still feel like this and he decides to come back (he told his mother that he might try couseling but only one more time) will I still have the desire to reconcile?

Lakeri.

My situation is very different from yours, because my FWH's A did burn itself out prior to d-day and there has been NC with OW for more than two years. However, I do understand how you can feel this way. I still wake up in the morning and look over at my Sleeping FWH and wonder if I did the right thing staying in the marriage. I sure don't feel the same way about him anymore. I am sort of at a crisis point asking myself "is this all there is."

I sort of feel stuck because to give up now is to admit to myself that I have wasted the last few years of my life on a man who isn't worthy of me.

Tough decisions are all around in this infidelity game.

Who