My husband had an affair a year and a half ago. He never wanted to work on our marriage he just didn't want to get a divorce because he will loose a lot of money. I don't want a divorce either but an exhausted from trying to make him do the right things. 5 months ago I was ready to file actually but my pastor said to wait. I was very emotional at the time. We have since been in personal contact with Dr Harley. My H sais he will make an effort repeatedly then does nothing or the bare minimum to get me off his back. He sais he doesn't feel like it. He goes to work and thinks that should be enough. 5 months ago I said I wouldn't have sex with him untill I wanted to. I asked him to be more affectionate to get me in the mood. He was furious and said he would just hire a prostitute if I wouldn't cooperate. He acts like he is just fine with our not having sex even though I know that is his highest EN. I don't have proof he is getting it elsewhere but figure he probably is. I bought a GPS to put on his truck last week. I will check it after next week.

I don't know what he will do today when he finds out. I am a stay at home mom. We don't have any kids together but have 9 between us. My son is 11 and lives with us. We have been married for 8 1/2 years and my son's bio father isn't very involved. This will be very hard on my son. He considers his step siblings to be his siblings even though they are not very nice. They come to our house every weekend. I hope he will take some time to think about this before he takes any action. I figure he will be very angry with me. My gut tells me that after he gets angry he will try to pretend he is putting an effort into our marriage but not realy make a commitment. I guess that is the pattern I have seen in the past.

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Suzet,
Thanks for responding. I told him. He was angry. He said he didn't understand why I had drug this out for the last year and a half that it was just going to cost more now. He left with the final verbal jab that all I ever wanted was the last man I was with, my son's father. I didn't beg. I didn't follow him out the door trying to get in the last word. I didn't give him any suggestions on how he could handle this. I went to the school to tell the school counselor so she will be ready to handle emotional fallout with my son. On my way home my van started giving me trouble. I went to the car repair shop to have it analyzed and have an appointment for Mon. to have another 600 worth of work after putting 700 into it last week. I can take care of this. I have an old backup vehicle if it dies before then.

When H came home last night I was watching a movie with my son. He asked me to talk with him. We talked breifly and he left with some of his clothes. This is the first time I haven't run after him begging him to stay or try a little harder. I had to restrain my son somewhat from begging for me. The only tears I shed were when I tucked him in and we prayed about it. My son cryed when I told him but seemed to bounce back. He even asked me if we could move to a house near his best friend.

Last night was pretty aughel. Around noon H came home and asked if he and his kids could come to stay in house. Later I came home to find him home with the door locked. When he let me in I said why did you lock the door, but he wouldn't answer. I could see he had been looking in the safe though. I guess he was looking for title information. It is at my lawyers office. Then he wanted to work on his new buisness accounting program and needed my help. He can't type except slow hunt and peck and doesn't know much about computers. I don't know that much but he knows a lot less. I'm pretty sure he doesn't know that I took a large sum out our joint buisness account yet. It wasn't even half and the account won't bounce but it is enough for me to live on for a few years. When I got home in the evening with my son his kids were there but he was still at work. I didn't know what the plan was for dinner. I felt rude taking care of just me and my son and not offering anything to them but then I felt taken advantage of when they all got their food and noone thanked me and then put their dishes in the sink for me to wash. My H went in the den to watch tv so I went in the front room to read a book. As usual my H 13 year old daughter was stomping around the house in a huff. After she and my son had a yelling match where she threatened violence and bumped him off the internet so she could use the phone I told my H he needed to make her appoligize for disrupting the peace in the house or leave. This is way too stressful. I told him he needs to make other arrangements next weekend. The whole time we have been married adding his kids has made the tension level rise especially his daughter. When I went to bed I tossed and turned worrying about going to court and maybe the judge would give him the right to stay in the house while we are separated since I don't realy want to keep the house. I thought it would be best to not make any hasty changes but I don't think I can stay in this house.

We had a conference with Dr Harley yesterday. He told me he is not terribly optimistic. He told my H that his job is to pull out all the stops and try to win me back if he wants to. He told me that my job is to let my H try to win me back, in other words if he wants to be affectionate or spend time with me then let him. I can do my part but don't have much hope either. My H did rub my neck while I worked on his accounting program for him, that is all I can think of that he did positive yesterday. I spent as much time away from him and home as possible. I took my son to look at a house. It is a block away from my son's best friend. It is the cheapest house out of only 15 in our school district. It would be ok to live in at least temporarily and could be occupied as soon as we closed on it. The payments would be low enough that I could afford to rent it out if I found a better place. It is just listed at $59,900. I'm going to talk to my lawyer on Monday to see if it is all right to buy a house right now. I wouldn't want it to go into community property and be divided by the courts later on. Dr. Harley said he didn't think it would hurt for me to go ahead and buy it. Buying the house and moving would be the obviouse steps I need to take to move forward in my life regardless of what my H decides to do. Once I move I don't think I would ever be willing to move back into this house. It is very nice. The floor plan is perfect but is the home my H children grew up in. Their mother decided she wanted bought out after we were married. You should have seen it when she left. It could have been condemed. Two of the three toilets didn't work but they kept using them. Neither of the bathtubs worked only a standalone shower, one was so dirty we had to have it resurfaced. There were piles of cat poop on the carpet. Guess who got to rip up the carpet? Me. The ceiling in one of the bedrooms had caved in. Of course noone realizes or appreciats how I have transformed this place. In fact they resent the changes more than appreciate them. If we are going to make it we are going to have to start all over I think and moving is part of starting over.

I am sorry to hear this, but I think you are doing the right thing. He needs to know that there are conditions to living together. Accepting marriage no matter what, I found, can get you the no matter what.
Cherished

Cherished, Thank you for responding to my story. It makes me feel like someone else cares for me.

On Sunday morning my son and I went to the early service at church and then Sunday school. The serman was on the rich young ruler with a very clear salvation message. It could have been written for my H but he didn't go to church. When we got home my H and his children were gone. When he got home he asked me to work on his accounting program for him again but I declined this time and worked of a quilt instead. He spent the rest of the afternoon working on getting papers together for his attorney. On Sunday evenings he doesn't get done with chores till about 8pm. By then I was falling to sleep in front of the tv so I gave him the remote. When I got up he was asleep. He never did anything positive the whole day. My sister suggested I need a list of things to ask my atterney today. My first one is can I put a restraining order on a child. If his daughter wasn't allowed to come over I think I could hold out. On Fri. I came to my breaking point when she threatened violence against my son. Maybe the best solution is just to move. It would be the easiest sollution actually.

perhaps you should move out..

you are beyond seeing A N Y T H I N G positive about him or his children....

he is not all a bad person..yet you view everything he does and doesn't do as thusly.....

ARK

The house I looked at on Sat. is not available any more. The seller accepted an offer this morning. The next least expensive house in the area is listed at $86,500. It has been on the market for 3 days. I just got home from looking at it. The realtor said the seller may allow immediate posession. I have to get bank approval first though. I talked to the bank today and am supposed to talk to a loan officer tomarrow.

Ark, you are right. I have a hard time finding anything good left. It has been getting harder and harder every day. My son told me today that the boys told him that they are going to kill his cats. Can I be moved by next weekend? I don't know, but I'm going to try. By the way, the atterney said i can put a restraining order on a child if I have to.

How are things going?
Cherished

I just finished typing all of this but for some reason it didn't post so here I go again.

I have been very busy and for a few days I didn't have the internet connected. On Tues. morning I went to my ladies Bible study and asked for prayer to find a place to move into. At 1:00 I had an apt to look at a house a block away from my sons best friend. The realtor was the owner so I didn't have to negotiate through another person. We shook hands in the kitchen and sighned papaer together a few hours later and he let me start moving in the next day. My H sighned off on his rights to the house with the stipulation that the deposit would be considered in settlement so the bank is working on a loan with no money down. I rented a U-Haul truck and a storage space. My H sent over two of his employees to move the heavy stuff. We aren't fighting about what I take and what he keeps but I feel a very high need to get my things out fast because his kids are very distructive and have also stolen things in the past. We both wanted the frig and washer and dryer but he agreed to give me money to leave them so I have already purchased new ones that will be delivered today. I have all of the heavy stuf out. The four bedrooms and two bathrooms have my stuff out. I still have to work on one more bathroom, the kitchen, a pantry/sewing room, laundry room, den, garage, and atic. Also, a storage building with building supplies that I use for fixing up houses. That is what I have been doing for fun, and will do to earn money in the future. Over the weekend I will work on sorting out this garage at my new house and the rented storage space so I can fit the rest of the stuff in.

On Thur. I cryed myself to sleep because my H told me that he has moved his banking back to where his lover is the manager. I told him that that told me we will never get back together again. Earlier I had said I would leave the grandfather clock but my mother encouraged me to ask if I could take it after all. He said yes and Mom even found a place to put it in this little house where it looks nice. I'm glad she was there to help that day.

I better get busy with all this work I have.

rb ~ it takes alot of strength to make a new start. I think one day you will look back and say "why didn't I do this sooner?".

The bank account move -- a slap in the face. He's confirming that he never stopped seeing his lover. Frankly, I think they may well deserve each other. For some comic relief, consider how she'll do with his kids.
Cherished

Thanks for your words of encouragement. The only things that happened yesterday were that when they delivered the dryer it didn't come with a cord so I couldn't get it started. I hooked it up but still couldn't get it started. My Dad talked me through it over the phone though.

We live a mile from the Indiana/Ohoi border. I buy forclosed or condimmed houses and fix them up for resale. My H and I had gone in together to buy one that is in Ohio. I didn't know if he would still work on it or if I would have to hire the work I can't do like when I do one myself. I went over there yesterday and H had been there doing some work.

Hang in there rb. It's hard to move under any circumstances, especially these. Take care and take care of that cute son of yours. You're right not to let the stepkids abuse him in any fashion. And why are you up so early? Early riser or can't sleep???

Shellybird

RB,

U sound focused and show you are moving forward with confidence. I know it is hard and I want you to know I respect your decision for you and your son.

Your H sounds like he knows he needs t/b on the short end of this stick. There also sounds like there c/b other underlying reasosn that will follow him no matter who he is with.

As for the bank move.....time will tell. A bank employee who has an affair with a customer is not t/b trusted. Trust is a big factor in the finance world. Expose the A to her boss.

Keep up the good work....glad to see you getting settled. Things move quickly. What r the +/- of you buying this house b4 u r divorced?

L.

It will cost you plenty to have him work on it. your dignity.
Cherished

Hi Shelly,

I am an early riser. My H is a dairy farmer and gets up at 4am every morning and goes to sleep about 9pm. I generally need more sleep than him and used to sleep in till about 6 but with all of this going on I have been waking up very early an not able to go back to sleep.

Orchid,

I went to the main office of the bank and spoke with the boss of the OW the day I figured out who she was. It was about a month after I had confronted my H and he said he would end the affair but contact was still going on. Her boss said that there is nothing he can do and did nothing. I think it is highly unethical and feel like there should be some banking regulation on the subject but am not aware of any.

The only minus I can think of for buying a house before divorced is that it is a major decission made in a time of emotional stress so it would be easy to make a bad decission. Since I am in touch with market values in our area I think I have done ok, not fabulous though. The house was $69,000 and will appraise for $74,000. Most rental contracts are for a year so I would be locked in for a year. With this, if I want to move I can and then just rent this place out. I am confortable with being a landlord. I also have a cat and a St Bernard. It is very difficult to find a rental that allows pets especially one so large. The payments will be less or at least the same as what rent would have been. The biggest caution I would give anyone would be to make sure the ex will not have a claim on the new house. Talk to your lawyer before you make this move. My top priority has been to make sure my son is ok and the fact that this house is so close to his best friend is a huge selling point. He will be able to walk to school with his friend now. It is also in walking distance from the library, park, grocery store, bowling alley, post office, and icecream store. It is also a very safe community that I don't have to worry about his safety at all. He'll probably never want to move.

Cherished,

I'm not sure what you mean by his working will cost me my dignity. If he decided to work on our marriage I think I could still hold up my head with dignity to work on it too. If you are talking about the house in Ohio, I don't mind him working on it. We can even work at seperate times if it feels unconfortable to be working together. I figure any contact that isn't negative increases the potential for us to be able to reconsile. I guess this sounds more optomistic than I feel but thats the way I'm looking at it right now.

Yesterday I packed up the bedroom closet, pantry and kitchen. It was 5 van loads. I am feeling overwhelmed with finding a place to put everything. The only upsetting thing was that H children had cleaned out the frig. and pantry over the weekend and threw away a lot of food that I would have liked to keep. They also took the pictures of my children off the front of the frig. but they didn't throw them away they were on the top. I guess I am fortunate they didn't get around to trashing more of my stuff. That is why I am in such a hurry to get packed up and moved out all together. Today I will focus on the den.

My H asked me again about working on his buisness taxes and I assured him that I would work on them as soon as I get moved. I even told him he could come over to my new house if he wants and sit down with me to go over them. He came in in the afternoon to change clothes in the afternoon and told me he was going to the feed store and offered to get me a bag of chicken feed for my chickens.