My WH and I are 2+ months past DDay and 10 days past full exposure (there were 2 long-term concurrent A's, one which had ended months ago, one which ended at the time of exposure). Last week was absolute he1l for me and my initial reaction was to kick him out and start planning a new life without him. He left for one night and I felt such despair over losing him that I negotiated a way for him to come back. Our current arrangement is that we will continue to live together until such time that we both feel that we're ready to move on. The problem is that although I don't think reconciliation is anywhere on my H's radar screen, I still hold out hopes that we can rebuild.

I am otherwise a strong, confident person with a full life and a strong network of family, friends and outside interests. But despite the horrible things my H has done, I don't want to give up on this marriage. The problem is that I don't know if he will ever again be able to look at me with the love that he used to. Beyond all of the guilt and shame he says he feels, he also says that he feels completely empty, a hollow shell. Right now he is most concerned about being able to perform at work and that is his main and only focus.

Is this "hollowness" a side-effect of the withdrawal from his former way of life, or is it a sign that his feelings for me have faded? He says that he still loves me and that he will always "look after" me, but that he can't make any committments about our future. I don't want to give up on what was for me the most important relationship of my life, but I also don't want to be hanging around waiting for my husband to want to rebuild if that is never going to happen. It's painful for me right now to look at him and be near him, knowing that his feelings for me have changed. I just don't know how long I can wait this out.

So I guess my question is, can a WS ever regain the feelings he had for his partner, or are they damaged beyond repair?

It could be withdrawal. I don't know. When they are in withdrawal, they usually don't have feelings for the betrayed partner.

Can the two of you go to counseling?

Real counseling isn't really an option (for financial and personal reasons), but we've been doing a lot of "self-counseling". Talking and really listening to each other. It has helped me to feel less bitter about the whole situation and put things into some perspective, but so far I don't think the process has done much for my H.

Bumping this up because I really could use some advice on this. Should I stay or should I go?


Me (BS) - 36
WH - 40
Together 7 y., married 2
DDay - 11/05 (2 A's, one over, one on-going)
Full exposure, NC - 1/9/06
Now - living together but with no plan for recovery

You need to show him the wonderful woman you are. It is hard when we want to sack them over the ehad. But think of them as mentally ill. Smile, flirt, play ect. Look berautiful ect. It is so hard but it is kinda like flirting to get them interested again and it takes time. I started playing darts again. Pretending their faces were on dart board. I got very good at it. One day he was working and I picked up the darts and started playing. Did not ask him but it is kinda like TOm sawyer with the fence. Before long he came over , picked up the darts and started playing with me. We had fun- and started doing this when the weather was warm enough to play outside. He started having fun with me-something he had forgotten just how much fun I can be. It was great. I just hate to have to be the one all the time doing everything.

Yep, Realtor has it right. It is way too soon to make any decisions on whether to stay or go.

bronwyn,

It'll get better. My WW was incapable of giving me what I needed for months after NC started. I think everyone goes through withdrawal a little differently. She'd be distant like you describe. Sometimes, she'd get really close or affectionate, then minutes later she'd pull away. It's a process.

Yes, he can definately find his feelings for you again. It's draining, but you have to be the person he fell in love with. Despite wanting to murder him, you need to put your hurt aside for the time being and be a person he wants to be with.

Once he is out of withdrawal and has rekindled his love for you, you WILL have your chance to talk about your pain.

Last night left me feeling a bit confused. I had had a relatively good day -- I was productive with work, exercised, kept a positive attitude. My H had called to say that he'd be home around 7:00. At around 6:00 I decided to reward myself with a nice, relaxing bath and then cooked a nice meal. After my bath and the cooking, I lit some candles and sat down in front of the T.V. with a nice glass of wine. I felt very calm and relaxed. This was the scene the H came home to, but instead of feeling calm and relaxed, he said it made him feel "weird". He said that carrying on like everything was normal was making him uncomfortable. Then he said that he thought that maybe he should be on his own right now until he could "figure things out". Aware that there is no such thing as a "trial" separation, I was opposed to this idea. The compromise we came up with was that he would stay in the spare room for the time being and I would give him time on his own in the house on a regular basis (tonight, for example, I'm going out to dinner with a friend).

I don't know what any of this means, but it feels like he's just using this time to get used to being without me. He seems to resent my presence, which I can understand on one level, but it's not easy to accept.

Anyway, my tactic for the moment is to be as active and productive in all other areas of my life, that way no matter what happens I will be able to cope. I really wish that there were a way to save this marriage, but it's not looking too hopeful at the moment...

Have you read surving an affair?

I understand the financial difficulties for counseling. Have you checked with your insurance? Some over 6-10 free sessions.

You are really not very far into this, though it feels like it has been an eternity.

Hang in there.

My H and I are both consultants, so we have no private insurance, unfortunately.

I'm going to see if my library can get a copy of "Surviving the Affair" (they don't have it in stock now). I can't afford to spring for a new book at the moment.

My H came home at lunchtime, which was slightly encouraging. He didn't say much, but at least he still feels comfortable being in the house and spending time with me. I'm just trying to continue on with no agenda for the time being. I think we have many weeks, if not months, before anything will be clear. Whatever we decide to do, I just want it to feel as "organic" as possible.