Hi Everyone,

I am still very new to this site (and to my situation) but I have been enjoying great relief from your advice and stories.

On Saturday it will be 8 weeks since I found out about my H's A. Strangely my real H had returned to me the night before I found out. Little did I know that I had already put PLAN A into effect and we had a wonderful, fun and loving evening. I was actually preparing a romantic meal for us when I found that he had left his mobile phone behind...I found a text message to “cute bum” asking if he had slept well. Another told him that she had bought him a present that day. When she called later (her name had been saved in his phone as a guy he plays football with) I answered the phone. She told me she was my H’s ‘friend’ and by telling her I was HIS WIFE she didn’t even flinch. She actually asked to speak to him – obviously thinking he was present as this was happening. Her confidence made me feel sick (still does).

I abandoned the dinner preparations and ran to the car. I drove round for a while before I realised that I shouldn’t be driving anywhere in my state of mind! I had taken the phone with me and I ended up at my best friend’s house and showed her the phone. They couldn’t believe it but the evidence was overwhelming. My H called my mobile when he got home (obviously wondering where I had disappeared to) and let he called his mobile….The penny had dropped before I got home and when I asked what was going on he told me: “I’ve been seeing someone else” (those words cut me to the core).

My H phoned her that night and broke it off. I went round to a friend’s house that night and asked him not to be there when I returned. After a sleepless night I phoned him in the early hours of the morning to ask him to come home – my mind was swimming with all the questions, needing the details. He came home and drip-fed me some answers. I didn’t have the real picture until the Wednesday of the next week.

The OW continued to text my H for a couple of days. He told me later that she thought my finding out gave them the green light to start a relationship. She said she was the one that made him happy – not me. He told her he wanted our marriage and me. She got angry and threatened to call me – I couldn’t possibly want my H when I knew all the details, she said. She did call and spoke to me. She told me that she wasn’t a marriage wrecker and it was my H who chased her and invited her to our home. I knew then that I didn’t have all the facts – she told me when they had met (my H told me it had been somewhere else).

When my H returned that night, more details came spilling out. He had obviously been keeping things back to ‘protect’ me from the truth but I knew I would never get over it if he was keeping things back.

I was on an extreme rollercoaster. I would wallow in the details and images one minute and be in the first throes of love the next, desperate to see my H, touch him and talk to him. More often than not now, I can see the positives this situation has led to and can actually see a better future for our M now than before it happened.

There has been no contact with the OW for 7 weeks. I know my H is genuinely remorseful and is doing everything he can to store up more love units. After reading through the Q&As on this site, I have also been able to acknowledge my part in our relationship failings and creating an environment for an A.

A few things you should know: we had been together for over 12 years when it happened but only married for a little over a year. A large part of our problem was that my H felt like his life was now mapped out (largely by me wanting him to decide exactly WHEN we would start a family). His OW fulfilled the ENs I wasn't by making him feel wanted for being him. She has no ties, is 7 years younger etc, etc.

At certain points in the A (which lasted about 6-8weeks) my H was going to leave me but never for the OW.

So, my questions are these. Where am I at the moment? Am in recovery at this early stage? Also, I would appreciate any advice on stopping my brain dwelling on details/images/imagined scenarios (I don't know what the OW looks like, she is completely unknown to me and my friends/family) as that is what leads me back down the slippery slope . I also thought there was a car parked opposite our house with 2 females inside watching our house (OW and a friend?). I am worried that she will confront me when I am out with my H or with my friends and I wont know how to handle it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Much Love

J
x

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Your situation sounds very promising and seems like you are in recovery.

I would ask your husband to write a no contact letter. It should say that he made a big mistake, loves you, is working on having a better marriage, and wants no contact with her ever again for any reason. Then you should mail the letter. See if he agrees to send it.

Thank you - that's what I hoped.

As for the letter - do you mean mail it to her? Surely that would be starting up contact again?

Jx

yes, that is what she means.

Buy surving an affair. it will be a great help and explains the no contact letter in detail.

Read as much as you can here on the site.

It really does sound promising.

Hello Jemima,

Your story sounds oh so familiar.And you have a tenacious OW to contend with as well.First I will address a few things you said and then suggest what I would do in your situation.



Please don't take blame for "environments" or states or "atmospheres".No matter what was going on at home,your husband not only had a responsibility to talk to you about any feelings or problems he had or felt with you and even go to counsleing if need be.Making the choice to cheat had NOTHING* to do with YOU,what you did or didn't do ok?

Everyone is faced with challenges in marriage,work,family,etc.It's how you DEAL with them that is important.The cheating was YOUR WH's problem,how he selfishly and hurtfully chose to feel better and escape his problems.That had noting to do with you.



The homewrecking OW only represented an escape and a fantasy to his REALITY/LIFE.She was being used as much as she was using him.He did not have a chance to see the REAL person that this OW is,an opportunist and user who selfishly wanted someone elses husband for her own gain and obviously cares not about marriage,family and lacks morals.What she looks like is irrelevant.Whatever she looks like on the outside is probably no match for you.It's almost always much more about how the OP makes the WS FEEL than being "better looking" etc.Forget all that.

Ok.Nuff about that.

If your WH is committed to making this marriage better,then counseling is a must either with Steve here,Jennifer or a PRO marriage counselor.Also,there are several great books on our site you can get(SAA,HNHN,ENQ,etc).

**What has been done to prevent this OW from contacting you and your H again? I agree a NC letter MUST be sent and then all forms of contact must be changed so the OW cannot get in contact with your H.Also,I may be getting the wrong impression,but you may have to contend with a psycho OW so be aware.If she has her cronies out syping on you then you will want to have in the back of your mind *RO(restraining order) if she threatens you or does not get lost like she should.

Stary STRONG-we are here for you~

O

Thanks and I'm glad you think it sounds promising. I'm not sure if I can trust my own judgement at the moment. I thought maybe I was kidding myself or that my H has well and truly tricked me!

I am going to buy the book.

x

I am going to have to think about the letter as I really think it will be restarting the contact that has been broken for longer than they were actually 'in contact'.

Yes, I think she is a ballsy young girl who wants to hurt me like my H has hurt her. I really don't want to know what she looks like for any reason other than to be prepared if I am in a situation where she may confront me. I have asked my H to just take me home if we are out somewhere she is. Is there a better way?

I feel like the recovery would be so much 'easier' if this threat wasn't lurking in the background.

Don't rethink it,do it.It is very important and it's not the kind of contact you should be worried about.This letter will say that you and your WH are in agreement about her leaving you alone,it lets her know that your WH is sorry for hurting you and the family and that she is never to contact him again.No questions.It needs to be sent to present you both as a united front.

If she finally gets the message that she cannot re-enter your marriage by any avenue,she will get tired one day and go away.The key is that you BOTH are working together to gt help and take a stand.Take some time a read the example Dr.Harley has on this site.It may help you understand.

O

I really think this letter sends the wrong message, no matter what the content. I think that the OW would get some satisfaction that we still see her as a threat and feel the need to write a letter. I would rather that she thinks we have both put her out of our minds COMPLETELY to concentrate on our marriage. A letter at this stage makes her still feel 'important' in this whole situation and adds a bit of drama to her young immature life.

Jemima
Dr Harley is possibly the premier marrigebuilding exper on erth right now. he states in EVERY OCCASION a NC letter is critical.

Hoping that ignoring something willmake itgo away is like ignoring a bleeding mole can make melanoma go away.

Read SAA. Get your H to write send the damn letter. there are examples in the book SAA on on this site you can crib.

You may have to confront this woman to lance the boil she represents in your life. Start how you mean to go on confidently fighting for your marriage. she * IS * important, you need to make her IMPOTENT. the NC letter is a great start.

BTW Jemima, I am in England, you write as though you are too.

Hi Bob,

I realise that the Doc knows what he is talking about! (everything else I have read about makes perfect sense). Maybe I just need more info about this one before I can proceed with any confidence. Feel like my attitude is more like applying oitment to a wound that's already healed...

Didn't realise my writing was so transparent - I am in Scotland!

Jx

Its NOT healed !

WS are ADDICTS. They almost can't help sneaking contact with OP.

Read the book Jemima and see how important it is, the noo.