In the midst of recovery and self examination as a BS I have found that some of my inability to move forward rests on my views of the word "Success" and how it applies to me as a BS and as a whole person.

I don't belive I've been truly successful at anything. Seriously - I can't really count anything as a success.

The above statement is probably false and I honestly want to be able to objectively take this overbearing sense of failure and put it into perspective. The feeling of complete failure IS affecting my marriage and our recovery.

At each D-day I believe I learned to hate myself even more deeply. To the point of complete and total disgust. I hated that I was not what it took to have a faithful wife. I hated that I wasn't a success. Books and reading aside - I can't shake this crushing and imobilizing feeling.

Maybe I'm just nuts.

Thoughts anyone? This is really bothering me.

nuts? Only if we all are <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, flukie..your W's A was NOT ABOUT YOU! Do you hear me? My A was not about my H. It was about my own weaknesses, selfishness and my flaws as a human. I have since worked very hard at changing those things in me (and allowing Christ to change me)so I would never be vulnerable to an A again. My own personal recovery has been such a period of growth for me. In the meantime, Fluke, my H has had two A's. I took them very personally. I took them as my own failures. I secretly knew I was not worthy so why shouldn't he cheat? I know now those were Satan's lies to me. My H's A's while possibly partly due to my own past are truly about him and his weaknesses. My H is now standing on the threshold of personal recovery. I am proud of him wanting to grow, change and become a righteous man. I don't take his failings personally anymore. My guess would be that flukette would say the very same thing to you. {{flukie}}

Flukeboy -

The biggest threat to recovery is the loss of hope itself. Your feelings are very normal, and many of us have them. It is one of the consequences of being betrayed.

I think it is a good sign that you are looking at this issue and addressing it now.

Hang in there.

Let me add:

I don't think this is about feeling sorry for myself. If it is then I just need to deal with it. It's like a core darkness that I've probably always had but seemed to grow in leaps and bounds at each D-Day. It manifested itself physically at those times. I have sought counselling. I do understand this to a degree. I cannot shake it.

Again, maybe I'm nuts. Maybe not.

Thanks.


*Edited for clarification.

I'll be the first here to say you had better not play that game and take ANY responsibility for what your FWW CHOSE to do.It's probably the single worst statement I could see here.That if you were more of a man/woman then my S wouldn't cheat.You have to know that that thinking is not right.If you don't then I would love to educate you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

We all have our own defintions of success so,maybe what you need to do first is identify just what that is for YOU.If you don't know then you cannot measure.

For example: I think being a success is having healthy, happy children who thrive.I feel that I am a success at that because my girls are the epitome of that right now,desptie what my WH put us all through.It's something I have always wanted for my children and I made it happen,lots of work and awareness of what I needed to do to accomplish that.

We are NOT solely defined by our marriages Flukeboy,we are individuals who come TO the marriage to partner with another.Think back to before you were married.What goals in life did you have? What made you happy? Did you even accomplish learning to ride a bike on your own as a kid? if so,that is a success.They can be small and even start out in childhood and build.Think about it.

O

You are right. I know I'm not communicating the nuance of this well. I KNOW that I didn't make her do it. I have never been able to resolve the knowledge with my heart. Try as I might for years - I can't get it to make that 12 inch journey from my head to my heart.

Hence my struggle and my warped self image.

Well, Fluke, I don't know. To me you are bright and funny, and I love to read what you have to say.

So, success.............

If we make our feelings of success or failure dependent on another person's actions, we are bound to fail.

FB,

To me it is an interesting issue.I have never had a problem admitting when I am wrong or make a mistake,I may even call myself a dufus at times,then I just move on.

But,what is interesting is when other's take resonsibility for other's actions as if they somehow could have prevented it or solved the problem for them .

How about we look at some basics:

Are you healthy? Would you consider it a success that you are healthy and take good care of your body and mind?

Do you have a clean home? Would you consider it a success to not live in squalor or have decent surroundings and take pride in that?

Are your kids happy and do they have clean clothes,are well fed and getting their education? Would you consider that being a successful Father?

What about work? Are you a good worker,on time and help other's? Isn;t that successful?

Do you think being a success HAS to be in ALL areas? Look at me. On the ouside,I guess you could say I am a failure as a wife since my M is ending,but,that would really be a crock.Why? Because I know darn well I did everything I could to save my marriage,I was faithful and loving and I would have done the best I ever could to make things right between my WH and I.But,HE chose differently.I barely even had a true chance but that wasn't due to my choices.

I don't let the fact that I am D'ing affect my sense of purpose and wellbeing because I know deep down my marriage,as much as I wanted it,tried to save it and feel so deeply blessed to be in it,was not my only defining moment in this life.I feel like I am a great Mom,daughter,friend and Nurse.I try to improve myself whenever I can and do the best I can and make healthy decisions.It's really not so complicated and it saddens me that so many seem to have trouble or lose their way.

I will tell you this FB,from my being an RN and encouraging other's,some of the best ways to feel empowered and full of a gratious attitude are to volunteer and help other's less fortunate.It really can put into perspective all that we have and it can prioritze too.When you try to make a child dying of cancer laugh and hold their bald head in your hands and hug them,wow.You can just feel blessed to be healthy and be able to help other's.It's truly an awe inspiring feeling.

What do you think about volunteering?

O

Fluke, I think the nature of men is that they take sexual betrayl by their women very personally. It shakes the essence of a man to the core. Does that make sense?

Fluke, I have had and still do, to some extent, have the feelings that you are having. My WW chose to have an A and I wanted to blame myself for not being good enough. Although when I look back I can't see anything I would do much differently. I was good to her, supportive of her, and loved her with all my heart. I think that when we love someone that much, we tend to listen to the babble that they churn out in order to justify their actions. I am finally beginning to realize that all the re-written history is just lies to try to appease their guilt.

Faithful is right about men taking sexual betrayal very personally. I find myself thinking "why is this guy better than me?" The answer is "HE'S NOT!" I didn't cheat with a married woman, I didn't break apart a family, I didn't hurt a betrayed spouse or innocent children. My WW and the OM did that. I truly believe that everything goes in a complete circle and that those that created this trajedy will in time reap the rewards they deserve.

Keep your head up and do the best you can. That's all any of us can do.