Maybe I'm the only one who didn't get this, but just in case I'm not:

I guess I always thought the term "conflict avoider" referred to somebody who dodged and avoided any sort of confrontation with OTHER people.

Now I understand that CAs don't just avoid conflict with others.

They avoid it with *themselves.*

They avoid it through compartmentalizing, rationalizing and fanatasizing.

They lie to themselves just as much if not more than they lie to others.

That's why they are so very, very destructive to their own relationships.

Mulan>found out ten years too late that I was married to a hard-core card-carrying CA

Aw, c'mon - 53 views and not one comment?

Or are all of y'all reading WAT's Viagra jokes instead?

Here's my comment: ouch.
(sorry to be dense. what's a CA?)

Mulan -they reswrite history to make themselves feel better. You know the saying - are you trying to convince me or yourself?? My WH is a true conflict avoider. The one thing he holds to he learned in the army it was deny,deny and deny. He is the ultimate Ca I have ever known -he gets furious, indignant that I repeat things he has said verbatetum and yells screams acts like a 2 yr old. Runds inot the other rtoom and will not talk. I expect him to jump up and down with his fists bawled up and drop to the floor kicking soon. You are so right. I was blind for so long.
I told my son today -I said when we meet someone we are in the honey moon stage, You get married while still there then as time goes by you see for yourself their faults. Sometimes it has been so long and so many years go by that you feel stuck where you are. After 20+ yrs and loving someone for so long -it is the hardest thing to just walk away from years of planning for retirement, history, the person you always loved, the shock of seeing this person for who they are makes you paralized. I couldn't agree with you more. You put it so well, but what should I expect for you other than your "Mulanaise Reasoning".

Thank-you

Well, you're certainly not a conflict avoider, are you? Bully! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

My H is an Enneagram 9: The Peace Maker/Conflict Avoider. I'd bet you'd find reading about them interesting. They say life in their heads is like a pleasant bike ride. And they cannot allow distractions from either the outside or inside to disturb their sanctuary.

Yep, you GOT it! Deny, minimize, ignore, or compartimentalize... Anything to avoid waking up - Dru

Yep. The stuff WS dreams are made of...

so what are we going to do about it Mulan?

What can we do with a spouse that lies or deceives us to avoid conflict? Will passing judgement help? How about cornering them and applying more pressure? Will it make them feel safe and secure enough to be completely open and honest?

I think I am buying a cattle prod and chains?

***so what are we going to do about it Mulan? What can we do with a spouse that lies or deceives us to avoid conflict?***

That's what I'd like to know. I like Realtor's idea, but it may only work in the short term.

What do you do when married to a certified Conflict Avoider? They seem perilously close to Narcissists to me . . . or is CA just part and parcel of being a narc?
Mulan

Mulan,

My FWW started developing her CA skills around the age of 8 when her deadbeat, alcholic, and good-for-nothing father would stop the first child that walked by him and preach to them for hours at a time about how they were lazy, worthless, and would never go anywhere in life. Between her and her two brothers (she is the oldest) they are the best CA's that exist. They would tune out their father or say anything he wanted to hear just so they could shorten the mental abuse he was giving them.

Years later (what a shock <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) my FWW had obtained her blackbelt in CA and would do whatever it took to get someone to leave her alone. As we startde developing problems she put her skills to incredible use by satisfying her needs rather than asking me to help. Apparently she was afraid I would be resistant to her requests so she found someone who would just replace me.

Hi Mulan,

Reading about 9's REALLY got to my H. Seeing his whole life laid out like that really shook him. He chuckeled all the way through... MC helped, but also my new boundary of not accepting a dazed H. His choice to change, but my choice to stay, too - Dru

I thought a CA was someone who didn't want to "rock the boat" just went along with whatever everyone else wanted to avoid the fight. That's what I'm so good at with my wife. I try to argue my point, she gets defensive and pissy and I drop the subject and say "Yes, Dear. You are so right. That's a much better way to do it." then add it to the list of resentments. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Okay, okay, I logged in.

I think it is true that conflict avoiders avoid conflict with anything that lives and breathes, including themselves. My WH was the only person in our family who ever fed the dogs from the table. I don't think he liked to confront them about their table begging habits. It was easier to fed them scraps than to do the right thing and send them away.

I'm also amused that other WH/CA are just as immature as my WH. He has been known to actually put his hands over his ears so he can't hear what he doesn't want to hear. My kids stopped doing that at about age 4.

Darn is that what WAT's doing? I hadn't read them.

My H and I are both supreme CA's. He's worse than me.

He's the BS though.

Interestingly, my H and I both have very strong older sisters. He was also the only quiet one in a very loud, opiniated family.

I learned very early on with my sister to keep a low profile and not proffer my opinions, to avoid fireworks. He learned the same in his family.