don't immerse yourself anymore in his chaos...it will diminish the fact that your boundaries that what is already occuring ...the way he treats you is NOT OK>....

he's already presented himself with enough proof to know you need to be safe....

ARK

I need some really fast advice. WH is involved w/someone on staff in a family therapist's office!!! She isn't a therapist but is a parenting coach.

What do I do? Not only is she involved w/married man but she is on the staff of a family therapist!!!!!

I have two VMs saved on recorder. Do I take to attorney? Do I confront him? Do I confront her/her boss?

If that is the case she can easily lose her license. And she should.

Not sure if she is licensed but I agree.

Just talked to attorney. My state has 50/50 division of assets regardless of whom earned most of the $.

He said that the A would have less of an impact b/c we have been separated x 2 years.

Why does it still hurt so much?????!!!!!!

I want to confront him. He is now coming home from trip. Went w/male family friend. Know this for fact. I want so badly to call his cell and confront him now but I also want to find her and follow her to meet him. Or, I want to call him, take off work and spend afternoon and evening together so he can't see her.

I'm so mad. The way he has treated me about going to church and he has been doing this...

Can you have somebody follow her and take pictures? That way he can't deny it later.

life2...
this is becoming a nice diversion from the issue that whether or not your husband is having an affair...he is not nice to you...either way...

your plan of using all this energy and time giving a flying flip about this just uses your energy and time and focus from getting your ducks lined up....

to get yourself out of his line of fire...
in fact you must NOT set out on any path that inflames him more...

and if you are begining to believe that his behaviors and actions are all explained cause he is having an affair...well it's bunk...cause he already has had affair...

ark

No. You are right. He acted this way before the 2nd A. He can't get me to do what he wants me to do so he has told me numerous times that he is going to do stuff just to hurt me. That is his intent. He will have an affair and make sure I know about it just so that I'm hurt by it because he thinks I had one and because I won't come home and take care of him. He told me awhile back in a VM that he was going to do some things that I was going to find out about and he hoped that it hurt me so much I couldn't "f'ing move".

You're right about not making the situation more volatile.

I'm just so angry. Mainly angry at myself for being such a fickle stupid person. I started to say female but MB is full of female posters that do not allow this kind of garbage in their lives.

I don't have anyone that I can ask to do that. My family and friends do not know. I'm so ashamed that I have wasted so much of my life on this jerk.

There's a part of me that wants to ask WH if he would like to try counseling one more time just to see if it would help. Then, if that doesn't work, we'll move forward w/D.

Of course my suggestion would innocently be to go to the place where the OW works. I would offhandedly comment that isn't it funny that someone works there w/same name!!! It's such a common name it could be quite coincidental; kind of like Susan Smith (but that's not it).

I want desparately to back off, give it to God and let it all go, whatever happens.

What do you think about the counseling?

Do you think OWs boss needs to know what's going on?

Do I tell my H that I know what's going on? Do I let him know that I know about the VMs? About where OW works?

Or, do I just keep quiet and:

see attorney?
do nothing?
keep gathering info?

What do I do now?

All. I have absolutely no one that I can talk to about any of this. My family has no clue that any of this stuff has gone on/is going on. I have no one that I can bounce any of this off. I really need advice from those of you who have been where I am.
I really, really need help.

There's a part of me that wants to ask WH if he would like to try counseling one more time just to see if it would help. Then, if that doesn't work, we'll move forward w/D.

Oh good grief...

here's a story that happened to me on Saturday that made me hang my head when I heard...and made me sad in to sunday...
and still just makes me shake my head..

a friend of mine found out last year her husband was cheating....

she too had a history of abuse...physical and verbal...

she lost it in the summer..left work....I would call she would rarely answer...

went in patient psyche...meds... group etc...

caught up with her in July on the phone...she spoke with such eloquence of the reality of a case of severe major depression..

where she would get up and cry straight for 12 hours and not even know why she cried...

that a great day was a day that she went downstairs and put in a load of laundry for usually the thought ...just the mere thought of doing laundry overwhelmed her in to doing nothing,,,,

my friend...vibrant....strong....funny and most important my kind friend.....more sad than she could handle..

and over and over I would ask...are you OK ...are you safe...

and she would tell me yes....
trying to work things out with her husband....

she is back to work

out of the house..
the fallout from kids is bad..though they have seen what HE can do....they are with him....and she is now the bad guy....good news is that they are both young men...over eighteen...so they have some choices to make...she can not force them...

and she told me on saturday...and showed me some pictures of the some bruises.....and told me of four times since she found out about the affair that he got physically violent enough to bruise...enough to leave marks....choked her...
etc...

my dear friend..was not safe....and is only safe now out of that house.....

had I known I would have gotten her and taken her from there...

but it is only now removed from the situation that her vision is clearing...
and she can even speak the truth..
for I asked every time I saw her.....

are you safe
do you feel safe
do you have a plan
yes she would say..
yes


she said to me on saturday that it is so funny that she never thought the person laying on the floor was her...that it had to be someone else...and that maybe she pushed him
maybe she cuased him

maybe her need for attention was so great she stayed

and then she told me...

I kept saying ,,,,,,but I love him...



and that this man would attack her during that summer of he$$ when never have I spoken to someone more vulnerable than she...existing outside of a hospital setting...

makes me want to weep for her...

your husband does not need marriage counseling with YOU...
he needs serious counseling...for himself for a long time before he even gets a shot at you...

this must be your boundary...
you are like my friend...you can not see any other way because this has become all you know...

but it is not normal...
not even close..
and the stakes are way way too high to play games with...

ARK

I do not believe that he would agree to counseling for himself first.

Unless of course that's what he thinks he's doing with OW.

No, I can't see another way. Even reading my own posts makes me sick to think that I'm so "needy" that I would seriously consider putting up w/this crap or at least considering not immediately confronting him and filing for divorce.

do not confront him..

go totally legal..
make NO move without legal counsel...

ARK

Don't confront him until you have all your ducks in a row. Go talk to a lawyer, gather evidence, look at the financial situation,...

Talked to attorney yesterday. He said that the fact that we have been separated x 2 years would significantly diminish any impact an A would have on the outcome.

He said everything should be divided 50/50 and go from there. I can fight for house if I want to and base it on what is best for my child.

I'm really sick to death of myself. Yesterday I wanted it over. Today I waffle. Tomorrow I don't know. God help me. I am so confused.

And, I guess what really confuses me is that so many people here are dealing w/and moving past As together. They've made a committment to make it work and it seems that so many are making a go of it.

I know that w/God all things are possible and I believe that. I know I've created a lot of the damage in my marriage by "running my mouth" to family members who have big mouths. It's not all my fault by any stretch but, I've certainly contributed to the breakdown.

Any advice?

Would anyone recommend counseling in this case, i.e. IC or MC?

Or, has it gone too far for too long and I am wasting my time? Do I simply need to admit defeat and move on?

I have really been down the last couple of days.

I am really aggravated w/myself over it.

One day I'm sure I want a D. The next, I'm not sure. My emotions are really going crazy right now. I have evidence of EA and more likely PA. This is the 3rd such relationship.

I've made mistakes and have contributed to our current situation. I keep trying to tell myself that we have too many obstacles to get around to even attempt to stay married and yet I am heartsick over all this.

I know all of you are probably as sick of seeing these posts as I am of posting them.

Attorney:
I've talked to an attorney. The As don't really change anything unless I want to fight it out in the courts and I don't. So, I've gone that route. We will split 50/50.

Counseling:
Would it help? Do I get IC or look for MC for both?

Divorce:
Do I move forward and, if it's God's will that we stay together, he won't allow it to happen?

Words of wisdom, please.

Life is too short.

I know. It's just so hard to take the gut-wrenching emotion out of it all.

If I could do that I would probably have been divorced years ago.

Can anyone tell me how to put the feelings aside? Stupid question I know.