And one more thing. You mentioned that you don't know why or what you're still hanging onto, except for comfort. If this is what you perceive as "comfort", then I would have to say, you are looking in the wrong place for this.

Let Jesus be your source of comfort. He is much more dependable for this than anyone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You're so right. One day down. I never called him. He called me several times today. He called me last night around midnight to tell me he was on the way home from the OW's parents'.

I told him yesterday that when we go to counseling this week he should ask the counselor if he thinks it's okay to go there.

Started reading Boundaries last night and today. Will read more soon. I think it's going to be a good book. I have employee assistance counseling again this Friday. I get 6 sessions free so I'm hoping some good will come out of it.

I continue to waffle between desperation and hopelessness regarding the M. I would love to know what my H truly thinks. Not sure how to find out but I just doubt the sincerity. I wonder about the insurance and $ angle.

Oh well, just rambling.

Jennifer - I haven't asked you lately how your situation is. Have you made a decision regarding your R? I really hope things are going well for you. I know you must really be struggling to decide which path to take. I pray God will guide you as well.

Thankyou, L2S. I had already decided, that I will not leave, until the girls are graduated. He can either wait until then, or not. His choice. I love he and his children very much, and I wish they weren't alone, right now. But I have responsibilities to complete, right where I'm at. I won't uproot my girls, especially being this close to the end of their education.

Sooo, we'll see. Thankyou for your prayers! It means alot to me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Hope you're doing ok. Good luck in your next employee assistance counseling. I hope it sheds some light on your situation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Take Care...

Jennifer

This week's employee assistance counseling got cancelled. Maybe next week.

H and I went to counseling this week. Counselled us separately. Asked how things were. told him that my H doesn't seem to want to spend time w/me. told him about H going to OW's parents' house Sun and his best friend's Sat night. Told him that we spend no time together. Said that next week we will counsel together and that he will start getting into our issues.

MC said we seem to be moving farther apart. I got the feeling that he was saying I need to move back home and I made some comment. He said "you don't think I'm saying you need to go home do you". I said "yes". He said no, we just need to be spending more time together relating to each other outside of work related stuff.

So, I don't know. I still have my doubts about the $, insurance and OW.

If he's interested in trying to make it work why doesn't he want to spend any time w/me? Why doesn't he ask about making plans? I told him last week that I would like to get on his calendar for this weekend. He hasn't said a thing. He keeps saying that church is important and that he's going to get back into church but he makes no move to do so.

One of his favorite sayings is that he is "watching the pattern" meaning he's watching everything I say and do and will use it against me in his court of law. Well, I'm watching his as well.

How long will you have to "watch" before you "act"? I think you already know his pattern, L2S. He has proven this over and over to you. He has more issues than just a MC can solve.

You say you still have your doubts. DOUBTS? You've confirmed your doubts more than once, now, L2S. Watching his patterns will only hurt you, and drag you down farther.

Where, exactly are you living, now? Are you back in the same house with him?

L2S, I know you have true hopes for this, and I'm not trying to sound harsh, but this guy, (and I know he's not just a "guy" to you), will only continue to play this out to his OWN advantage, because it has worked before.

He has issues that are separate from you and the marriage, that he has NO intention of addressing. He only speaks with his mouth, not his actions. For example...Church. Has this happened, yet? There it is, his PATTERN. Just talk. Honey, he's just a "talker", even if his intentions are good. His mouth is his tool, to tell you what you want to hear, or to call you names, degrade you and hurt you.

From what I can tell, the only time he has backed up his words with actions, was when he was angry. Then it became physical.

I'm sorry, L2S, I don't mean to be a downer, and I truly don't mean to scare you off, I'm just telling you my perspective from the outside of this situation.

Good Luck...

Jennifer

I'm not back in the house. Still w/family member.
I'm not going back to the house unless things get better.

One of the things that makes this especially difficult (not impossible) is the family ties between us; my niece and I married second cousins. So, even though my H and I may divorce, there will still be a tie and there may be a time when he and I are at the same function for family occasions. That will be awkward and painful and difficult for my niece and her H.

What a mess. Oh well, just talked to H. We went w/niece, her H to dinner. My H went home; company work to do. Just talked to H and he asked if I wanted to do something tomorrow. Said yes. Will see what happens tomorrow.

I'm really interested in what will happen on Sunday. Will he suggest church or will he have to make a trip to OW's parents' again?

Oh well. I've mulled it over enough for today.

Well. Update.
Yesterday H called all morning. My D and I were outside washing vehicles. H was working. Kept asking if I had had shower yet. Kept saying no. Then, H would call later and ask same thing.
Finally, in mid afternoon said he thought I would have come into town and rode around with him while he was working. I told him he should have asked. I thought - Yeah right. If he wanted me to do that he would have asked. He didn't really want me there.
Finally, H called and asked me to meet him in town for dinner. Three of us (D too) went to eat and then a couple of stores. Went to our house around 9. He kept saying he was tired, back hurt and planned to go to bed. I was thinking that he was using as excuse so he could go to OWs. He kept calling until around 11 pm from home so I guess he didn't. But, if we lived there we wouldn't leave b/c he was tired and back hurt, right?????

This morning, as usual, called early and asked if I was going to church. Said no. Didn't ask what he was doing. I took D to church and left. Went back close to 11am. Went to bathroom and talked to friend on way out. Saw OM walk across parking lot with a woman.

H called me and asked where I was. Told him I was going to see my mom; I was actually headed that way. Asked where I was and what I had been doing. I told him. He went ballistic. Started the nasty cursing, name calling. Said I was lurking in the parking lot to catch a glimpse of other man. I told him OM had a woman w/him. That didn't matter.

Isn't that stupid since he has been telling me all these weeks that I should go to church there? So, if I catch a glimpse across the parking lot one day out of about 60, I'm a B and wh**e but, if I go to church twice a week and sit feet away from him through the whole service it's okay???????

Anyway, I've had enough. I called him back several times and he hung up. I turned around and went back to church. I am done. I pray to God to give me the courage to do what I should have done several years ago and should have done the day I walked out two years ago.

I want my life back.
I want my home back.
I want to create a good home for me and my D.

I am done.

Everyone please, please pray for me. I need all the prayers and strength I can get. This is going to kill me but I must do it.

He has called me several times this afternoon and I have ignored all.

Prayers going up.

Please don't listen when he is so disrespectful. Calmly tell him that you don't care to hear it, and hang up.

Thanks. It's so easy to be strong and decisive at the computer. Real life is much harder.

I did tell him today that I did not deserve to be talked to the way he talks to me. I told him that we may have problems and I've done my share of wrong things too but I have never disrepected him by cursing him.

He has called me via cell a few times this afternoon. I did not answer.

Stay strong, L2S. Try to keep this mentality that you have now. He will try to EVERYTHING and ANYTHING to crack you!

Try to remember, that even after this cools down, he will try to smooth talk you with the words you want to hear, to hook you back in, then BAM, the crap starts again. The pattern repeats itself. Example: The Sunday morning routine. Usually ends with cursing and name calling, then him going to OW's parents house, (people you didn't even know was OW's parents until recently...)

I will pray about this, L2S. You sound like you've finally reached the point of meaning it, this time. I truly hope so! I know this is difficult, so I'll pray for your strength and courage during this process.

Please pray for me, too. I'm going thru a similar process, and I'm not even married!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Take Care...Jennifer

All,
Yesterday evening as I was waiting on my D, I got a call that rocked my world and broke my heart all over again. Apparently the OW is indeed one of a series of OW. My darling H whom I have been going to MC w/to try and work on our M has been cavorting around with OW around mutual friends and it seems I'm the last to know.

H has been taking OW and on one occasion her mother to lunch w/mutual friends. Has dropped by her house w/same friend and was seen kissing her, telling her he loved her, etc. Is apparently quite friendly w/and used to her kids/grandkids. Apparently he can't get his work done during the day for being on the cell phone w/her and chasing all over town after her.

Apparently I'm the laughing stock of our company and my H has made comments that he keeps me around for the $ and the insurance.

But, the OW has problems of her own. He's also having phone sex of sorts w/another married woman; again someone he met through the company. It won't be long before he's having sex with this one. And, there's at least one other woman he met via company that he had sex with.

So, today is my liberation day. I called the lawyer on the way to work. I called the MC, told him what was up and cancelled the appt.

Now, H is running scared. He knows that he can't afford the lifestyle that he has been accustomed to b/c of my $. Also, he doesn't know how to do some of the company paperwork. I've been doing all that. Now, he has to ask someone else to do it b/c I said "no".

Jennifer -
You are so right. He's saying all the right words. He's saying everything I have wanted to hear for so long. He's lying through his teeth only he doesn't know that I know. Some of the stuff could have been just him being a cocky jerk and saying stuff to make himself look big. But, some of it occurred in front of others and it has finally made it back to me. So, I know a lot that he doesnt' know I know. Bad thing is I can't confront him w/it b/c I promised I would not.

Last night, he was at my house when we came home. He had been calling me frantically but I would not answer. He asked me what was going on and why I wouldn't answer. He said something about me getting my stuff out of his house in front of my D and got her upset. She was crying and afraid he was going to hurt me.

I got in vehicle w/me; cold outside. He locked door and started shoving me around. Balling fists up like he was going to hit me. Said he could kill me. Blah blah blah.

I told him it was over. That was all last night. Now today he is trying his best to talk me into taking a trip, coming home, trying hard for two weeks so he can show me that he can change and love me like I want to be loved, etc. etc. etc.

Please pray for me. I wrote down everything that I know he has done. My plan is to refer back to that list in weak moments. He has put my health in jeopardy. He has humiliated me in front of people I know. He has taken "the" OW around his kids and they just love her. He has taken advantage of my love for him. I know I put myself in this situation.

At some point in my life God is going to allow someone to come along that is going to knock my socks off. I just know it. I just have to guard my heart until then. I just need to wait, hold on, be patient. No more jumping the gun, no more settling and allowing the stuff I've allowed.

I am hurting so much right now I can't believe it. I wanted our M so desperately. I can't believe he could do all that he has done. How could I have been so wrong about this male person; he isn't a man.

(((L2S))) I'm so sorry, sweetie! I know this hurts like NOTHING else!!

You are doing the right thing, by contacting a lawyer, especially if this marriage is all about money to your H. PROTECT yourself!

You WILL come out of this a stronger and wiser person, L2S! There IS someone out there for you, that actually deserves you! Someone who won't throw his weight around, everytime things don't go HIS way.

But most of all, L2S, please keep safe! This male person, posing as your H, is violent and scary! Please don't meet him alone. The stronger you are, the more threatening you will appear to him, and he may not be able to handle it well. But this does not mean to be weak, just cautious! If you MUST meet with him, do it in public, or with someone else around. Change your locks, and try to keep the contact only thru your lawyers.

I will continue to pray about this, L2S. Hang in there, and KEEP THE FAITH!! God is with you RIGHT NOW!! Try to remember this!

Take Care...Jennifer

Hey Jennifer,
Yeah, I know. God is with me. I still can't truly believe everything I've been told. By that I mean I do believe it but I can't believe that this man that I have spent the last 9 years with could do some of the stuff I've been told he has/is doing.

I guess the consolation I have in all this is that what he is doing to me he will probably do to her. The man I fell in love with and married is gone.

I still haven't heard from the attorney. I've been told that my H is probably going to do everything he can to take everything he can. I have a feeling that this will be one nasty D. But, worth it in the long run I know.

What I can't figure out is why he was so angry Sunday. Calling me dozens of times and when I wouldn't answer and he couldn't find me he showed up at my house. Why was he so violent? Yesterday and today he has begged me to go to MC, go away for a weekend, give him two weeks to prove himself, give him one month to prove himself. The nastier I was to him the more he begged; he sounded like me!!!!

Today though he has backed down a bit. Guess he's had some time to plan his strategy w/the OW. My understanding is that he cannot get his work done during the day for being on phone w/her and going all over town to see her. He must be absolutely head over heels in love with her to let the company suffer; his source of income. But, it seems strange that he is talking to other women as well.

He is telling me that b/c I think it's about $, insurance and paperwork we should get separate checking accounts and he will get someone to do paperwork so he can prove to me that's not why he wants me in his life. Then today he started saying that maybe D was best b/c he can't make me understand that nothing has gone on between them.

I need to call the bank where our savings is to see if I can protect accounts. I am thinking I need to find another attorney even though this one drew up preliminary papers in Dec 05. H and I both want to use one attorney and get it over but that may not be possible.

First off, he is not "in love" with the OW. Otherwise, he would not be talking with these other women, and trying to talk you into going away for a weekend. People in love don't act like this.

Second, don't fall for the "proving himself" thing. He's already DONE that!! And by saying the D is probably a good idea, afterall...he's trying to call your bluff. Especially by saying the words, "he can't make you understand that nothing went on", even though you know DARN good and well different. He just doesn't know that you know, so now you know, his words are just ***** in the wind!

And last, but not least, the violence!! The topper of it all! This is how he reacts to losing control, and not having things HIS way!

I don't know about using the same attorney. I'm not sure that is a good idea. I thing you need one of your own, to fight for just YOU!

Hang in there, L2S! Keep your strength!

Jennifer

I think him asking me to go away for weekend, to give the marriage a real try for 2 weeks, for 4 weeks, etc. is b/c he is afraid to lose the $. That's just him trying to hang on just a little bit longer.

I talked to the employee assistance counselor today. Her take on it is that it is simply a matter of time before the OW is where I am and there's another OW in the picture. I believe that too.

I think you're right about the other attorney but I don't want to rock the boat too much w/him. Don't know how he'll react. He would think that by me getting another attorney I plan to try to hurt him financially. What he doesn't know is that I am willing to split 50/50 and not ask for child support in order to end it quickly.

He needs the ability to get on w/his life with the OW.

I overheard a conversation where she told him that his anger scares her. Yeah. She better be scared!!! She told him that she wasn't used to that kind of thing. Yeah. I wasn't either. I almost feel sorry for her .... NOT. How on earth can she trust him knowing that he found her through his job and he is in and out of women's houses all day long. She knows that he has done this to me with her. Does she really think that he won't do it TO her?

She apparently is very jealous. So is he. It's amazing that the two of them are following the same pattern that we did. He calls her all the time, tries to see her constantly, is doing things for her around her house, fixing things at her parent's house, fixing her daughter's car, etc. She just doesn't know the rest of the pattern. I could tell her but it wouldn't make any difference. My family loved him to begin with too. He was wonderful to me to begin with too.

In the conversation I could hear the sarcasm that to begin with was kind of cute but after awhile I realized what an absolute jerk he was. She will too. And, I hope I'm around to see it.

The counselor seems to think he may have a sexual addiction based on the fact that he is supposed to be in love w/her but is having phone sex of sorts with another woman. Counselor also seems to think he has some personality disorder like being psychotic I think she said.

I think for the OW this is going to be a nightmare. I know it has been for me and I think it was for the first wife. I don't think she has a clue what she is getting herself into. I think she thinks she has met the love of her life and I am a totally unreasonable woman. She just doesn't see that train barrelling down the tracks toward her, but she will.

What she will, or will not find out is not for you to worry about. You need to stay focused on you and your daughter, and your saftey.

What she or he is thinking, is THEIR problem! Consider yourself free from this garbage. So what, about what she is thinking! She's not a victim. She has made a CHOICE for herself, all on her OWN! Let her LIVE with it, now! You can be FREE! If it matters, she will figure this out, later on, and then she can do what she wants! NOT YOUR PROBLEM, ANYMORE!! (She is aware of his anger, so she's not going into it with blinders on.)

L2S, his connection with you, is his personal insurance plan. And so will the next one be, and the next, and the next!

Just be strong, and do what you have to do! Whenever you feel weak, remember all of this **** and most of all, remember the violence. Remember what it is you want your daughter to learn in life. Be her example of what is and is NOT acceptable in life! You can do this! Just be safe doing it!

Jennifer

L2S, How ya' holding up?

Ok, L2S, tomorrow is Sunday. You know the normal routine of this day. Will THIS Sunday be the same ol' drill, or will you have your steel-toe boots on, ready to kick butt, if needed? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Well, it's Sunday. Did the time change throw the routine off a little, today? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Let me know how you're doing...

Hey Jennifer.
Well, this past weekend I had to work out of town so wasn't here Sunday morning.

Here's the latest. I put a recorder on the home phone line and now have irrefutable proof of a six month affair. He is in love w/her and wants to D me to be w/her. Bad thing is it is totally illegal and I could be in big trouble if they find out. So, I can't confront him w/what I know. So, I'm probably going to hire pvt investigator to get proof so when we meet w/attorney I will have some leverage.

The OW is 10 years older than my H. OW is a counselor of sorts. Her family knows that he is married. She has told him that she wants to stop seeing him until we are D so she can feel better about herself. She wants to do the right thing NOW that our marriage is over. OW feels bad about what she has done. She doesn't want my H to hurt me any more. How do you D someone for someone else and not hurt them?????

He is doing poorly at work b/c he is chasing after her all day long. Doing all sorts of stuff for her at her house and lying to everyone about it. H will call me then immediately call her or vice versa. Tells her he loves her, tells me he loves me.

He spends time w/me and lies about it to her. He's lying to her as much as he is to me.

Please tell me that their relationship won't last. I at least need that much satisfaction in all this. Tell me that they won't end up together permanently.

At this point I want to do whatever I can to make my H know how much he has hurt me so he will remember that every time he looks at her. I know that's just being vindictive when I actually should be thanking her. She has already tasted some of the junk he dishes out. She's in for a ride. Or, she could be just the one for him. Who knows?

I had a meltdown yesterday after I heard some of the stuff and called and told him he could have the D, he could have XXX. He called me back 20 times and found out where I was and came there. Told me he loved me and wanted to fix things but not sure how.

Today, I got a grip on myself. I did not call him but did take his calls. I have to remain civil in order to continue unsuspicious access to the house. I need all the info I can get together for the PI. I went to house this afternoon and did some company work. Stayed long enough to finish part and told him I was leaving. He said he had hoped I would stay for awhile. Told him I had to do laundry. Don't know if he wanted me to stay or was trying to be appropriately sad to throw me off track b/c he will probably go to her house. He called me 2-3 times after I left to ask if everything was okay.

Now that he has done what he has done in front of so many people that I know (kids, family, friends) the M has to be over. Maybe this was the push I've been needing. He has been making a fool out of me for months and I knew nothing.

I've been told that he has slept w/at least a couple of other clients plus one woman from a place where he gets supplies and his 2nd exwife. And, the current OW is encouraging him to call the 2nd exwife to help w/the paperwork. If that's not letting the fox into the henhouse I don't know what is. I have letters from her telling him she wants a second chance w/him. How stupid the OW is.

They are creating a relationship out of deceit. She is 10 years older. She may be in her "prime" at 51 but give her about 8-10 years and does she really think he will be faithful? She knows about some of the infidelity (not all apparently). She must think she's all that. I know I did where he was concerned. I fell hard and fast and she has too. So has he. Folks I talk to can't understand why except the prestige of where she lives and the fact that she doesn't have to do laundry, paperwork, housework for him, etc.

Oh well. Who knows. What will be will be. I need to finish things off and get my life back on track w/my DD!!! I know that she will be relieved.

How are you doing? I haven't had much time to be on computer. Any more going on w/your situation? Hope you are doing well. Take care.