Gosh, where do I start? Well, I just found out on 12/17 that my husband is completely fed up with me. His words were "I'd rather live alone, than live like this"

Let me start by saying that he has been the most wonderful man anyone could ask for. We have two beautiful children, a 4 yr old boy and an 8 month old girl. He would and has done anything possible for me in his efforts to make me happy. He believes that I am not happy, that I am miserable all of the time and he can't stand it anymore. He is totally depressed because he feels like a failure in all aspects of his life now, due to this. He is tired of giving and trying to make me happy. We've been together for 7 1/2 years, married for 5 1/2. He is the most amazing man in the world. I love everything about him. (However, I guess I failed to show him in certain ways that he found important) Now I realize these issues within myself that need to be changed and I am beginning counseling, he is also -we're both going to the same counselor, but she sees us both seperately and together.

His problem now is, he cannot understand why it took 7 1/2 years for me to realize that I need to make some changes, why it took him breaking down into a state of depression and telling me he would rather live alone to make me see my problems. I don't have the answer. I keep trying to explain that I never meant to hurt him and if I had known I was hurting him/our marriage all these years, I would have done something about it. The "things" he is referring to about me that have bothered him are: my lack of trust (not because of him but b/c of my past)- I'm on edge constantly and I never seem happy - I'm non-confrontational with everyone else in my life, but will confront him about anything - I mentally beat him up about stuff - and I am always defensive when he tries to talk to me about things - and now he thinks that the only reason I fear losing him is because he is "my meal ticket"! That couldn't be further from the truth but he is just shutting me out now. Anything I say really doesn't mean anything to him and he says he is completely "out of gas" - burnt out from trying to make me happy and doesn't think he even has it in him to give us a chance b/c in his eyes, he has been giving me a chance for 7 1/2 years. Yes, he did frequently bring these things up that bothered him, but never in a way that I feared the end of our marriage. He doesn't understand how I couldn't see that there was a problem. I didn't know that what I was doing was ruining us. He never gave me reason to not trust him but deep down inside I guess I still feared it b/c of my past.

I am so scared that I am too late now. I wish I had known that I needed help with myself, I wish I had "Seen" it - but for whatever reason I never wanted to believe there was a problem. Now I know what needs to be worked on within myself and I am going to do everythign I can to become a better woman. I am hoping and praying that I haven't lost my chance with him. I don't want to enjoy the rest of my life without this man. He is my world, I wish I knew that I wasn't making him feel that way.

Just fyi, he has been staying at his brother's since Monday of this week. He came by yesterday to see the kids for a few hours. When were together it is so hard because he just keeps asking my why? And we go in circles and both end up frustrated and in tears. He asks, Why did it have to get to this? Why couldn't I see that there were problems? He knows I love him but he still thinks I only want him around b/c of all he provides. What do I do??? How do I get him to trust in me once again? He says it is so difficult for him to deal with because he knows that I am a wonderful person, still loves me but just doesn't understand how I could have done this to him. He is beyond hurt, he says he feels like his heart has been removed from his body and no one is putting it back. That just KILLS me!!

I love and miss him and I can't bear the thought of us not being together and as a family.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Hi there,

Really sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like you are really stressed out, really worried and really hurting. I can relate to your situation. So I will give you the best advice I can from my own experience.

When I was dating my husband (boyfriend at the time), things were going really well, except that we would fight constantly over X (X = issue). It got to the point where I would yell at him about it, because I really didn't want to do X. The fighting got to the point where he felt so miserable, he told me he loved me a lot but that he was exhausted after 2 years of this, that he had no more left to give and that he couldn't accept the idea of living the rest of his life with this kind of pain and misery. He told me it was over.

This devastated me. I never thought he would leave me. I knew how much he loved me and I thought he would stand by me through everything. I sought counselling right away and found out that I had a disorder, which I was not aware of, and that was why I avoided X. I tried to explain to him, but he thought it was just an excuse. He was at the point where he didn't really believe in us anymore, so he just didn't want to hear it. He still loved me though, but he left me and moved 6 hours away. He tried to start a new life without me.

Every 6 months or so, he would call me or come by and tell me he loved me and that he couldn't get over me, no matter how hard he tried. We always remained connected. I went through 4 years of this, it was very painful. I finally started to date in my 4th year without him and when things got serious with someone else, he went away from one of our visits, devastated...he later told me that that was his turning point; the point when he figured out that he had lost me and that life was going to be unfulfilling from that moment on. When he called me 6 months later, it was like destiny, because just the day prior, I had broken up with my "serious" boyfriend who I was almost engaged to. During the phone call, I told him that "maybe I will just marry you after all", and he cried in joy..we were married a year later.

What I learned from my whole experience was this:

a/ you can't force the love to come back to you,
b/ it is going to take time to heal his wounds,
c/ you need to "show" your husband how much you love him by eliminating or at least reducing X,
d/ when you have been really hurt by someone, their words are just words, (don't think your words are going to make him trust you again)
e/ you need to take care of yourself through this, because even though X might have hurt him, I am sure you haven't done X for the wrong reason,
f/ don't let him make you feel so guilty that you lose sight of yourself, or lose sight that you really do love him - I'm sure you have done good things for him in your relationship - don't let him make you forget about those things,
g/ this journey might be very painful but it can have a truly happy ending.

All my best, I hope you can both work this out together.

Thank you so much for that. I am happy to hear about your reconciliation. That is wonderful - I hope you have an incredible partnership from here on out. Congrats!

I agree with everything you said. And you are right, there was ALOT of good in our relationship, it wasn't bad all the time at all - it was just those instances that I realize now have added up over the years and tore him apart. He said to me the other day that it would have been easier for him to catch me cheating on him and rip his heart out in one sweep rather than pecking at it, bit by bit, over the years.

I wish he would feel there is another choice, because right now his only "solution" is to divorce (He calls it a solution because he says a divorce is not what he "wants" - he just thinks it is the only answer and that we'll all be better off in the long run) I couldn't disagree more and I think what we had is worth saving, but as I said, he isn't "hearing" anything I have to say. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I can only hope and pray and keep trying to be strong and continue getting the help that I need. It is so hard when it feels like things are completely out of your control, you know? Such a helpless feeling.

Thanks again.

Well, I never believe "divorce" to be a solution.

And yes I know what you mean about feeling that everything is out of your control. However, this is not the reality. You are in control of 50% of what happens between you and your husband. Remember that.

Keep getting your counselling, and remember to take care of yourself through this all. Always be honest with him; tell him that you will always love him and that you think the world of him and that you are truly sorry for what you have done. Then just show him kindness when you are around him. But don't lose yourself through it.

I wish I knew more about your situation..like what it is that you have done to upset him so much. Without that information, I can just be vague. Anyway, I wish you all the best, be strong and true to yourself and always remember the love that was there between the two of you can grow and exist again, but it is going to take time and all the love you can give.

Best of luck.

Thank you. Geez, where do I start with regard to my faults that have contributed to the breakdown? Do you want an alphabetical list or numerical? lol! Seriously, looking back on all of my behavior, (specifically the things he has brought up from the past) I can't believe that I didn't realize I had problems that were affecting him and our marriage. I am embarrassed to admit them, but hey, I am pretty much taking all the blame, it's a very hard pill to swallow to say the least. Let's see, well, for one, I was very selfish in a few ways, was only satisfied if things went my way - but also a very generous person in other ways. My way of dealing with him wanting to discuss a "budget", would be to start crying and justifying everything I spent money on. When he would talk to me about things (about myself/my character)that bothered him, I would pretty much tell him that I felt he was just picking me apart and if he didn't like the way I was, then maybe he should go find someone else. (I was just being defensive....I didn't really want him to go find someone else, I just felt hurt by what he was saying so I wanted to hurt him back - NOT RIGHT!) He felt that whatever his feelings were about things, meant nothing to me and if he mentioned stuff that I would just brush it under the rug and chalk it up to him having a bad day. And he would just always let it go - well all this stuff, and other things like my insecurities from my past and not always trusting him 100% (when he NEVER gave reason not to trust him) plus poor self esteem have added up over the years. He thought that if he did everything right and gave me the world that I would overcome my insecurities and start trusting him and start treating him the way he deserved to be treated. He thinks that I am miserable all of the time and thinks that no matter what he does, it will never be good enough to finally make me a happy person. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Please keep in mind that I just told you all of the bad stuff. These things were not a daily occurences and there was alot of good between us but I guess all that stuff over 7 1/2 years has damaged him beyond imagination.

I hate to cut this short, but I have to run. I'll be back later - so if you have some input w/regard to what I revealed, I'd be willing to listen. Thanks so much!!

Okay, I am really going out of my mind here. It has been 2 weeks now since he has been staying at his brother's place. I've seen him a few times since then, he has stayed here about 2 nights in between that time as well. One day it was when he picked up our son from preschool, he ended up having dinner with us and then after the kids went to bed we talked for about 2 hours. I ALMOST felt that I was getting thru to him a TINY bit, because at one point, his response to me asking to please give us a chance was "well, how do you propose I get past the feelings I have"? (Those feelings are the ones that he says make him not trust my intentions and make him believe I only want him for what he provides) but then he went back to the same things he keeps saying - that he just doesn't feel like trying anymore, that he is burnt out from giving and trying to communicate the issues to me. He just keeps asking me "do you have any idea what you have done to me?" "You have ripped my heart out" IT is the same thing, over and over. He just keeps wallowing in this pain/hurt. I know he is hurting but this is so frustrating for me. All I want is for the 4 of us to have our future together. I am getting the help I need to make the necessary changes, not just for our relationship, but for the good of myself and our children. After I start making the changes in my behavior, I just don't want to enjoy the rest of my life without my one and only. I can't even imagine it. He is the world to me and the most wonderful man I have ever met. How the ****** could I have done this to him??? I miss him so much it's disgusting. I am trying SO hard to be strong, but it is SO hard sometimes. I am trying to keep it together for the children, but it is SO hard sometimes. I have a 4 year old little boy and an 8 month old little girl. My 4 year old is wise beyond his years and a complete handful. Every day he asks if daddy will be home when it gets dark out. It's killing me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I am dying here - I need all the strength I can get. I love and miss my husband so much it hurts.

Talk about beating yourself up. This is not going to make things better. Don’t focus on the past; don’t even focus on the future. Focus on the now.

I was very defensive too, when I was defending why I was doing X. Unfortunately it made everything worse. Basically, it was the reason for the breakdown of communication.

The most important thing now for you, is to listen to him with all your heart. Let down all the walls, and admit to what you may have done to hurt him and tell him that you are aware of how much you hurt him and that you are going through counseling to become a more centered, more loving person. Tell him that you are going to try your best and that your intentions are all good and that you believe in your relationship with him (that you believe in your love).

It would be nice to have his support as you go through all of this. When I was going to therapy for my behaviour (X), I felt very alone. However, I got through it alone, and you can too (if you need to). Love is stronger than anything, it will take you through this difficult period, even if you have to go it alone.

My advice, is just to be honest with him and to admit to him the wrongs you have committed, but do not let him make you feel so badly that you "dislike" who you are. Remember that you have 2 children who need you to be strong and to believe in yourself through this. You could have a very happy ending..but don’t focus on that right now. Focus on today. Focus on your children and focus on yourself and getting better. I really feel for you and I hope that you will both rediscover your love together.

Stay strong.

Thanks so much. Your support and insight mean alot - I truly appreciate it, more than you can imagine. Listening to you actually brings some kind of peace to me - I don't know why, but I get this feeling of "hope" when I read the advice you're giving me.

I am getting so mentally exhausted from all of this. He had me on the phone quite a bit this afternoon and not at very opportune times. (He's at work and I am here w/our kids) It's so hard to talk to him anymore because it seems he is trying to get some kind of answer to it all - we just go round and round about everything and he keeps asking me the same questions and is just filled w/so much anger and hurt. I don't know where we are going at this point b/c he is so CLOSED w/regard to letting go of the anger and pain. He won't let it go AT ALL. He just keeps wallowing in it and asking me if I have ANY idea what I have done to him. I do keep telling him that I realize now what has happened and I admit that it was wrong. I understand he is hurt, but that what I was doing wasn't intentional, even though he thinks that I "just didn't care enough about him" to want to change my behavior back then. I told him on the phone this afternoon that it seems that maybe he wants to hold onto this hurt, this anger and pain because if he lets it go, then (in his mind) he would be making himself vulnerable to me "taking advantage of him" so he keeps holding onto it because of that fear. For once he really listened to me and he said "hypothetically, what if that IS what he is doing?" And how can he get past that?I just don't know what to say anymore and I don't know what it is he is trying to get from me everytime he feels we have to discuss "what I have done" again. I am willing to do whatever I can for me, for us, for our kids. And I have to say that I am impressed with myself at how I am acting when we have these "talks" - no more arguing (from me), I just sit and listen to him and when I do say something, I say it as respectfully and kindly as possible. I am actually dreading the next phone call because we never finished our talk earlier, he called me back but I was giving the kids a bath so I couldn't answer...part of me hopes he doesn't call back again tonight, b/c I don't know what is in store. Trying to stay strong!

I absolutely feel and understand your pain. I have read your posts and I definitely can feel the sincerity in your voice. As you read in my thread, I am experiencing the same situation. But, at the risk of offering false hope, I think your husband needs time to heal. It seems to me, from a male perspective, he needs a time out to catch his breath, think things over evaluate the situation rationally, then decide what he'll do. And from how you've described his behavior I think he'll give you another chance. In the mean time do what the others have suggested, take car of yourself in the here and now. As hard as it will be to do, try to be positive when you see and talk with him.

I so desperately hope you guys can work this out.

Best of luck.

Michael

Is there an OW? On the Infidelity forum you posted that Your H was involved in a EA and maybe even a PA? I think the people here could help you more if they knew that.

As I said in that thread - is seems to me that his behavior would be consistant with a PA, but it may only be a EA. Either way it is a big part of your problem - isn't it?

Good luck LMH!! There are people here that can help you - as they helped me.

Thank you for your supporting and encouraging words Michael. I appreciate it. We had our final (together) counseling session today - he plans to start filing for the divorce. He just can't get past the hurt that he feels - he is SO depressed, I actually feel so horrible for him and wish I could help him, even my love isn't good enough right now. He is truly LOST. He just keeps saying that he has never tried so hard nor wanted something (meaning us and our life together) so much and has never been so comitted to something in his life and ended up with nothing but unhappiness. He gave it his all and feels he has nothing left to give. He has lost his feelings for me and he wishes he could get them back, but just can't right now b/c his heart has shut me out. I asked him if filing for the divorce is going to make him feel better and he replied "no...nothing is going to make me feel better right now, I don't know what to do to make myself feel better" and then he goes on and tells me how "alone" he feels and this is never what he wanted. He even said, "you'll get your counseling and get the help you need, end up finding someone else down the road and treat him the way you should have treated me"

I am SO sad for him. I love this man so much. I also asked him what happens if he gets his feelings back for me and he said "Well, we wouldn't be the first couple to get divorced and then get married again - but you would have to have your feelings too, in order for that to happen - if it's meant to be, it will"

I don't have any hope left, my last thread is now gone <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Mugsy - Yes, he was having an EA, but I still believe it isn't part of our/his issue with getting back with me. I really believe the issue is with him. Call me naive, but that's just the way I feel. He is feeling "alone" and I believe him. Thanks for your support, too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Your not being Naive LMH. You are a woman who loves a man and wants to believe him. BUT the truth is that it is wrong to say that he is having an EA (PA?) and that it doesn't have anything to do with what's going on between the two of you. I still think the reason he needs to hold on to his pain and to stress over and over how YOU HURT HIM and YOU DROVE HIM AWAY - is to justify in his mind that he is having an EA/PA and that it is your 100% fault!

Maybe I am wrong, and if I am there are those here who will tell me - but the EA/PA MUST be addressed if you have ANY CHANCE AT ALL to bring him back. You MUST break through the fog and you never will if you can't even see that it is there.

Good luck - so many of us have felt what you are feeling - we all hope and pray that you can pull it together and we will help you in any way we can!!

Mugsy,
How do I break through the fog? We're already separated and he is planning to file for the divorce. I did call him today and told him that I wish for no further contact, unless it is regarding financials, the house or the children and I did it in a civil way. No more of this calling me and sitting there in silence and then we get into everything again. I told him I don't want to go round and round about it anymore. There is no "bringing the affair to the light of day" because I believe most people already know what is going on. I feel like he is so far gone, how do I get him to come back? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />