Dorry,

Yep, this is an area of struggle for Sevens. My dear SIL actually found my brother when she was still married (separated I believe...but still <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />). She just aches about that knowing what H and I have been through now and guess what...my brother is a Seven and she is a Six with a strong Seven wing! The cool part though is that she is only in her early 30s and is doing tons of personal work now. I just love her to pieces. She can't undo what has been done at this point and she and my brother are really happy and truly working at being that way. I really admire her.

Sevens want to experience life to it's fullest. When their marriage isn't so great or sometimes even if it IS, they have a hard time resisting an outside offer of excitement. Their "sin" is gluttony. If they have an Eight wing, add lust to the picture. They are often athletic and they are very, very busy people. Boredom terrifies them. Looking inside of themselves at their emotional pain requires great amounts of determination and energy. It doesn't come naturally. If they are bored, their mind might wander to those painful parts, thus the avoidance of boredom!

This doesn't make the Seven a bad person! It's just something that they need to be aware of. In fact, my Path of Integration (where I go when I'm emotionally very healthy) is to Seven! That is where I can be spontaneous and have a good time! I get excited about life and quit being overly cautious about everything. It's wonderful! Healthy Sevens are excited about life and have a sense of childlike wonder about everything! They are wonderful people!

Stillwed

Hi Stillwed, I'm SUCH a seven! Everything everyone has been saying describes me to a T. If 7s don't feel guilt as much as others, I'd hate to be one of the others. That has been a really tough one for me, maybe because I don't generally feel this too much and aren't accustomed to it. Is there a place to go to learn more about your type?

Newstart,

I'm so glad that you figured your type out! If you want to help your H, then try to get him to figure out his type too. If you guys could study the Enneagram together then you'd have a whole new language to speak with him...one that you DID NOT have with the OM. That has been really cool for me as a BS...this is something we have that is all ours...this deep understanding of each other.

I have this wandering mind problem...this "what if" problem and I can't help but to think this. I'm going to just ask you. Do you think that there is any chance that your H has already had an affair and THAT is why he doesn't want to know any more than he does? Now this is just a thought. Please don't think I'm accusing him. It's just that it could deeply affect the intimacy between you. I don't want to put unnecessary suspicions in your head either. Just put it on low on the back burner and see if it makes any sense.

About the type Seven info. I like the site by the Enneagram Institute. Just click on all of the links and get started reading. That way you'll understand the whole program. www.enneagraminstitute.com

The more you know about the "box" you are already in, the more you'll have an awareness as to how to get OUT of it!

Hugs,

Stillwed

Hi Stillwed,
I have no idea if he's had an affair. My rational side says, knowing his right vs. wrong personality, loyalty issues (the man refuses to drink Pepsi because Coke came out first. He'll choose Crush over it just to be stubborn!) and couch-loving ways (an A is pretty hard work!) I doubt it. On the other hand, OM commented a few time that his W and my H seemed pretty chummy. How wierd would that be?!! I really hope he never asks more questions. I don't think, at this point, that I could outright lie to him, but the thought of telling sickens me. I've brought the A up a few times, most recently this weekend (maybe I have subconscious needs to tell.... no, I don't!!), and the closest he got to asking more was to ask what would have happened if OMW hadn't walked in.

I love the enneagram stuff! I'm a Gemini, and the really strange coincidence is that 7s and Geminis have almost identical profiles. I was enthusiastically telling my H about this tonight and encouraging him to try the test, but he (politely) declined. He says he doesn't think he wants to do anymore tests in the near future <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (the EN survey and discussion was not a great experience...). As an aside, I'm taking JL's advice and backing of from ENs discussions and other topics that could be construed as critical. Do you think it would be appropriate for me to appologise for making him feel like I'm criticising him or blaming him? I'm never sure how to deal with these issues. I want to tell him that I'm working on myself and recognise that I'm the one with the problem, but don't want to make him talk about things he clearly doesn't want to talk about. Wow... there was a time when I just said what was on my mind!! Are those days over??

Ah, a Gemini. Same as me. We also did a lot of "personality" work with our MC. It wasn't really rocket science. My H is quiet and doesn't really care one way or the other if he has people round him, I'm the life and soul of the party and HAVE to have people.

I said to JL once that I'm the one you'll find dancing on the tables at parties while my H sits in a corner. He said "what makes you think he's not enjoying just watching you. It's probably why he married you."

Also, you can never apologise enough.

The thing we're all trying to say Newstart (well, JL and I are) is that your marriage can become something really, really good, not just mediocre or ordinary.

I'm afraid you have to go through some painful stuff to get there. (No, I'm not going to rabbit on about telling again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

I'm starting to see that about my marriage (that it can be more than ordinary). I'm also the life of the party, and although my H isn't on the tables with me, he does enjoy participating once I've talked him into going! How does JL know so much??!! He's given me so much to think about, and so much hope for the future "wonderfulness" of my marriage. I'm beginning to see that part of the mediocrity of it was that I was wanting/expecting H to be exactly like me (I tend to choose friends and aquaintances that are similar to my personality. I'm also a "friend collector"), and was frustrated and unhappy with him because he was himself. I'm working very hard at the moment to recognise and appreciate his own qualities, especially the ones that differ from mine. Not easy, but becoming more worth it each day as my feeling for him continue to grow.

Yup, just like me. I married my H because he was so kind and quiet and caring. Our MC said people so often marry their opposites and that's what usually works. She said (or I read somewhere - probably here) they did an experiment putting all the same personality types into groups and asked them to solve a hypothetical problem. Of course, no one got anywhere because they needed the balance of the different personalities.

And how does JL know so much? It's because he's so darn old. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ooooh, I remember where I heard about that experiment. Not that it matters. It was at a workshop at work (the University).

Newstart,

The thing that will make your H want to do the personality test eventually will be the change he sees in you. Buy a couple of books and leave them laying around and just see what happens. My youngest son is a Five. He told me that the Enneagram stuff was a bunch of crap and he didn't want to hear about it. (Didn't stop me...I'm his mom, not his partner...lol and it was my house!) Well, 2 years down the road, and all the changes he has seen in me and now he constantly asks me questions about the Enneagram. Our entire family does...even our extended family! It's a riot.

So...you just go about changing YOU and see what happens. It's the only thing you really have control over anyway.

Whenever you feel the urge to apologize to your H just do it.

Stillwed

Kiwi, ns - gemini here too - my H is a Taurus...interesting...

My H is Leo. We're supposed to be very compatible. OM is Cancer, which is supposedly the kiss of death in a relationship <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> . I was very quickly skimming before work this morning and found a wonderful letter a FWW had written about her H. I couldn't get to the end of it (dd crying upstairs), and now I can't remember the thread! Does anyone know who wrote something like that or where it might be? It was along the lines of how lucky she was, etc. Great motivation!

OLD????

I resemble that remark. Jen if my walker had a motor on it I would chase you down and give you the spanking you deserve, you insolent child. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Children what can you do with them? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

NS,

As you watch and see your H, you will learn why you married him. I would also remind you that most men are discouraged from digging too deep within, but the suggestion to leave the books about, is a good one. Keep working on you.

God Bless,

JL

PS: You can listen to Jen, but just remember she is a child <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

JL,

I get such a kick out of you!

Still

Stillwed,

Thanks, Jen would get a kick out of me too if my walker didn't have bars across the front. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Just remember Jen, WAT and I are coming to see you one day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

JL

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Oh don't worry JL, I haven't forgotten. I still don't know how WAT's going to get you AND the walker on to the boat.



LMAO!!!! Sorry, Newstart. He started it.

No problem! You guys are great! I'll check in later. H wants to snuggle up in bed and watch a movie as soon as we get the kids to bed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> . Can't pass up that offer!! I'll let you know how "40 Year Old Virgin" is!

Wow, I have honestly NEVER met a Leo that was a "homebody"...I'm a Leo(and a 7 as Dorry mentioned above), and like you, KiwiJ and Dorry, I'm also the "life of the party"(Lord, look out if we all ever got together-not sure the world or the tables could take it LOL!)

Anyway, my point is newstart, do you think that your husband has perhaps been depressed for quite some time? It might be worth your time to "google" dystymia, a condition characterized by low level depression almost always...though I would tread lightly in bringing that up to him with all the other stuff that you are already bringing up right now...would be good for you to know though...just a thought.

You are indeed right about Leo's being fiercely loyal, that's one reason that your husband would stay after the initial ego bruise and ferocious anger dissipated about the truth(not that I'm gonna harp about the truth <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />) Btw, I only drink Coke too, but that's b/c I'm from Atlanta...I never thought about the "first" thing...good point, Mr. newstart-LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, something else to consider, Leos are quick to anger, but also quick to forgive...a good ego stroke goes a very long way with the king of the zodiac...sincere compliments turn them into pussycats...I don't put too much stock in the horoscope, but the personality part of it can sometimes provide a bit of insight...now the Enneagram stuff is nothing short of fascinating...my husband is a 3 too, btw...it would be great for your husband to take the test and see if that is really him...did you read the coupling blurb about 3's and 7's on the site that Stillwed gave you? Quite the "dynamic duo" 3's and 7's...pretty cool...

Glad to see that you are feeling better about being on MBs as of late newstart...it really is a great community.

Best,

Mrs. Wondering

It IS interesting to see so many 7 FWWs. I am a 7 too! (Though I hate to think that cheating goes along with my personality!!) Though, aren't 7s more susceptible to drug abuse too?

Newstart,

I hate to push the issue - but i am terrified of you recovering and making these changes without telling your husband first. I know you are using Cruise as an example - but there are MANY MANY others here who say it's the years of not telling the truth that has been the hardest for them to accept.

What if Om decided to tell OMW everything adn they call your husband...and things are GOOD for you guys- you have made changes, and he is making changes....- he will NOT trust a single change you have made - and you will be even WORSE than you are now. He will more than likely feel that you just made those changes to keep him from ever knowing...

You have this impression he will never find out - what if he decideds one day to check your computer history - just out of the blue - and comes to MB and sees your thread - figures its you...he will be flattered that you love him and want to work, but so hurt that you don't respect him enough to tell him the truth and let him make his OWN decision - you are making the decision for him out of fear - do you hear the selfishness is your voice still?

I didn't tell my husband the truth for a bout a month - it killed my husband - I thought I was protecting him - he felt I was once again just being selfish and not thinking of him. That he needed to be able to make his own decisions without me making them for him - which I was by telling him a half truth.

I am so fearful that most of your changes and recovery - while be good for you - will be a waste for your marriage unless you start from a clean slate.

And ask people - NOT THE BS's - but the WS's like FF - what recovering with the weight of what she had done on her shoulders for all those years - her marriage never REALLY recovered and now she is the BS...after her husband started his affair - someone ELSE told him about hers...(you have told your sister, and she might tell someone she trusts and so on - till many people know - I hate to say it- but people are that way)...he used it as an excuse to start another affair, etc - FF has lived through 2 years of heck so far...with her H using her 10 year ago affair as one of his justifications...as he only found out 2 years ago...

Do you want that pain 10 years from now?

I am not gonna continue to pound it in - but I dont know if I can help you if you can't come clean - it just will weigh on who i am as a person.

It's nothing against you at all - I am so proud you so far your opening up, your admiting some hard things - I think you would be very surprised...I think your husband would hang around...albeit - he would be hurt, devestated and angry - most BS's don't leave you know...if they have a truly remorseful WS - which I think you are....

Start your marriage now with no secrets and give it a real chance...

just my 2cents.