I posted this in another forum before I found this one which seems more appropriate.<BR>Forgive the duplicity.<P>At what point does a person look at there failing marriage and decide to reconcile or if it's even worth reconciling? How do you know? I'll try to be brief and any insight would be most helpful.<BR>We have been married for almost 7 years, we have 3 boys, 6,4, and 2 years old. We have been slowly drifting apart for several years now I believe, we have had some exceptionally great times together and some of the most heartbreaking times as well. We have both had affairs of which we both know of and have tried our best to work through them. Three weeks ago on Friday evening I went to bed with my wife sleeping in the den with my daughter (from a relationship prior to my wife)as a slumber party. I awoke and she was gone, noone knew where she was and I called the police to file a report, I then proceeded to call hospitals to see if she had been hurt. For the next two days I tried to take care of our 3 boys while worrying for her safety. Evidently she got word of the police search and called and informed me that she left and wanted a divorce with no explanation. I at the time was both relieved and angered. I agreed to the divorce but I would retain custody of the kids because she did not work and had no means to do so. A few days later I found out she had been seeing another man and that was where she was actually staying, by this time I had gotten over my initial anger and more sympathetic to her situation, because I had been taking care of the kids and house for several days I have come to realize that had been taking her for granted, We talked and I promised that I would try to be a better husband and father. Two weeks after she left I went and picked her up at her boyfriends house to take her home to see the kids. My actual intentions were to take her back to where we got married to see if it sparked any kind of feelings and see if we could work things out but these plans fell through. She thanked me for the thought and we stayed home, we talked most of the evening and she spent the night and we talked most of the next day. During this time she informed me that she thought she was pregnant by her new boyfriend and wanted to know if we got back together if I could handle it. This of course devestated me, but I told her that while I could not promise to act the best and raise the child as my own, I would try my best and that I would promise to love her for the rest of my life. (When I married, I married for the long haul) I informed her that I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and grow old with. I have dreams of her and myself, grey headed, sitting in rockers, on the front porch. But through all this I felt something was missing, part of her. I did not feel that she was ready to give her all to reconcile our marriage. After we talked some more it became evident to me that she still has feelings for the other man. I took her back to his house and dropped her off and have not spoke to her since. That was three days ago. Now all I have are my kids and relatives and an unending sadness. I have never felt so totally drained in my life. I go through the day void of meaning and at any given point tears well up in my eyes and sorrow over takes me. I do not know if it is because I still love her (I do) or because I don't think that things will ever work out and it's really over, or just loneliness. I long for the day when something will break this cycle. Do I get on with my life? Do I try to win her back? Do I stick it out and battle through this pain? I know only God can truely heal my broken heart but perhaps there are a few of you that could be angels and possibly offer a view that I do not see. I see that my post has become extremely long and I thank you for reading through it.

I am going to post a success story that I recently received from someone here at MB. <P>It is only half here, if you want the rest, please email me at mncon99@yahoo.com<P><BR> I would be happy to share our Testimony with you. Hold on to your hat! This is an incredible story. Instead of re-inventing the wheel, I'm sending you a copy of a letter I wrote to a best friend. His name is Mark also. It outlines our entire story. My God Bless you as much as He has Blessed us!<P> <BR> Monday, April 3, 1995<P><BR>Dear Mark,<P> ...Well, like I said, VOLUMES have happened. John DeBrine (a Christian Broadcaster) says often, "What are you doing today, that can only be explained by God?" Well, plenty. I¹m not sure where to begin. <P> Since 1987, when I was voted in as Trustee at our Church, Jill and I have been very involved and "busy" with our church. January, 1993 I was even voted as Deacon Chairman. Pretty good, huh. Jill got involved with the Praise Team in singing.<P> Do you remember Roland Pfleger? He and I were childhood best friends. Believe it or not, he showed up on our door step about 2 years ago. He had no place to go. Drugs and alcohol pulled him right down to the lowest level anyone could go. He lost his wife and son. We let him spend the night and the next day was Sunday. Remember Mark, my Dad¹s rule when anyone spent a Saturday night over? They had to go to church with us the next day. Well, that¹s what I made Roland do. The interesting thing is, he enjoyed it. He started coming to every service they had. Not only that, about 2 or 3 months later, he went through membership training and became a member of the church. He stayed with an incredible family from our church, George and Tina Krail. The Krails are what I call "Front Line" Christians. They are both ex-bikers, drugies ect... You know, Jesus said, those who have been forgiven much LOVE MUCH. That¹s their story.<P> It really seemed like Roland was cleaning himself up. He went cold turkey from cocaine and stayed clean. He got a job working for George Krail roofing and was doing very very well. Everyone who knew Roland was amazed at how dramatic the change was in him. He even headed up a ministry from our church to the homeless in Philadelphia. <BR> <BR> Well, the Krails had a ministry of taking in young unwed mothers. They put their money where their mouth is in the Pro-Life issue. They gave these mothers a place to stay and even paid the medical expenses of these women so they would not abort their children. They needed the room that Roland and his son Brian were using for a new mother. The Krails asked Jill and I if we could take Roland and his son in, til he could get on his feet. We prayed about it, and thought it would be a good idea. At the time, I was going to school full time and things were tight financially. Roland said he could help us out, so he moved in. Things went very well for a few months.<P> OK, this is where it gets hard. <P> It seemed like I was out 4 nights out of 5, because of my responsibilities at the church. And, Jill would be stuck home, with the kids. Now with Roland and Brian staying with us, it added so much more on Jill. A lot more than I ever realized. She was getting stressed out and I didn¹t see it.<P> Something I did see, but didn¹t know what to do, was that Jill and I started drifting as a couple, something every couple experiences now and again. Jill started confiding in Roland her loneliness. Roland picked up on that and crossed over the line. After a while, he would add to it, by saying to Jill, "Don¹t you hate it when he [me] leaves you home like that?" "He doesn¹t know how good he has it." Roland actually started playing on her emotions. Jill never saw it coming, but Roland took the situation and turned it to his advantage. Jill saw that in the mist of her "stressed" situation, someone was paying attention to her, and she began to like it.<P> Mark, I never saw it. I never knew. In November of 1993, they got intimate. Of course after the first time, Roland told Jill that she went to far now, to turn back. Roland began making plans for the time Jill should leave me. Mark, he lived in my house, ate my food, and he was planning to destroy my family right under my nose. He¹s a fast talker and managed to manipulate Jill in doing things she never really wanted to.<P> November, I got hired at Martin Marietta. Things finally started looking up for us financially. All that time in school was finally paying off. I finally got a "dream job" in an unbelievable company.<P> December 16th 1993, I walked in to a dark house, No Kids running to me to give Daddy the traditional hug, No Jill to kiss and hug, Nothing. I wasn¹t sure what was happening. Jill didn¹t mention to me that she would be away. I walked over to my desk and saw a note. I still had no idea! I sat down and started reading it. It was a 10 page letter from Jill. She explained the hurt that she had been feeling through the years of marriage. I still didn¹t realize... She ended up by saying that when she was around me, she felt like her spirit was crushed, but when she was around Roland, she felt like her spirit came alive. The letter finished out by saying, "Mark, I¹m leaving you and starting a new life with Roland."<P> Mark, I can¹t even begin to tell you how devastated I was! My wife, My Kids were gone and I had no idea where they were! The letter sign off by saying that "they" would be getting a hold of me in a COUPLE OF DAYS!!! I couldn¹t eat, I couldn¹t sleep, I couldn¹t go to work (and I just started this job). Mark, I never knew the human body could withstand the amount of pain I felt!! Never in all my life have I ever come close to that amount of pain.<P> Praise God, for the men at my church. It seemed like within seconds, my house was filled with guys from church, to hold me as I cried and cried and cried. I cried so much, and the pain was so great, that I couldn¹t even stand.<P> That Saturday, Roland called my pastor, John Grove. He wanted to set up a meeting with himself, Jill, John, and I at the Vincentown Dinner Sunday at 3:00 PM. That Sunday was my Dad¹s birthday. The Vincentown Dinner is located at the intersection where my Dad was killed earlier that year. Roland had no idea what he was putting my family through. No idea at all. <P> Pastor Grove and I got to the dinner and I couldn¹t believe it. Jill was another person I didn¹t recognize. It was almost as if Roland hypnotized her. She did let me have the kids that day and said they would pick them up later. Roland assured me that he would made certain my kids knew that I am their real dad!<P> Mark, how could something like this happen to us?? I mean, these things don¹t happen to Christians, right?? How could God let this happen?? I mean, this is Jill and I, we¹re talking about! Not some unknown couple off the street! I loved my wife! She loved me!<P> Let me pause right here and share something that happened a number of months before. On the way to school, something happened that I¹ll never forget. I was talking to God and I shared with Him, "God, I feel like I¹ve been in the same place in my relationship with You now for a long time. I¹m tired of where I¹m at. God, I want a deeper relationship with You. I¹ve been in this same place for a long time. I want more of You. Please God, help me to plung deeper". Mark, it was incredible. All of a sudden, I felt God talk to me, not audible, but inside. I felt like He said to me, "You are so SELFISH!" Selfish??? I thought, how? "All you want are the good things that come from a closer relationship. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE ASKING! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT WILL TAKE to have a closer relationship. The way is NOT easy. There is suffering that comes with a deeper relationship. Pure gold is refined in the fire. There are some hard things you have to learn. You do not have ANY IDEA what you¹re asking." Mark, it scared me so much, that I stopped asking for it at that point. That was really weird. But as time when on, the desire was still there. I wanted more of God. David said it in the Psalms, "As a deer pants for the water, so my soul longeth after thee".<P> I came back to God, a little more cautious this time, and asked again. I said, God, I think I know what your talking about. I think I know, and God I still want it. I still want a closer walk with You. That time I didn¹t hear anything from God. However, if you remember in June (a month after) of that year, my Dad was killed in that horrible accident. That killed me inside! He was going to retire at the end of the year! My kids needed to know him, I thought. I¹d get up early in the morning and walk down to the Delaware River and stare out at the water and get real angry with God. He and I had a lot to talk about at that time. Little by little, though, I saw it. I saw how, what Satan meant for evil, God turn it into good. When my Dad died, it was almost as if a "Spiritual nuclear bomb" went off. The Testimony of his life rang out. I saw people come back to God and rededicate there lives to Christ as a result of his life. It was incredible. I finally got to a place that I could honestly say to God, "You really do know what Your doing God." I still miss my Dad pretty bad, but I know I¹ll see him again! I¹ve got His WORD on it!<P> Months after I sat on the couch with Jill. She just got home from a Women¹s Retreat with the church. She sat on my lap and cried and said that she doesn¹t even know me any more. The only time she finds out anything in my life is if she hears me telling someone else on the phone. I was so busy, with work and my Church responsibilities that they squeezed out my family. Tyrany of the Urgent, I believe it¹s called. Jill looked at me, and through her tears, said, I want to know what¹s going on inside of you. You don¹t tell me. I said to her, one of the most honest things I have ever said, and that was, "Jill, I want to, but I don¹t remember how to communicate with you any more". It had been so long since we sincerely communicated that I honestly forgot how. She cried and I cried. After she left the room, I got down on my knees and said, "God, I¹m being asked to change something that¹s not even in me." "God, I¹m begging You, please change me!! Change me God, because it¹s not even in me. You have to do it! ....God, what ever it takes, ....do it". A week and a half later, Jill left me.<P>Psalms Now<BR>by Leslie Brant<P><BR>Psalm 23<P><BR> The Lord is my constant companion. There is no need that He can not fulfill. Whether His course for me points to the mountain tops of Glorious Ecstasy, or to the valleys of human suffering, He is by my side.<BR> He is ever present with me when I tread the dark streets of danger, and even when I flirt with death itself. He will not leave me.<BR> When the pain is severe, He is near to comfort. And when the burden is heavy, He is there to lean upon. When depression darkens my Soul, He touches me with eternal Joy.<BR> When I feel empty and at times when I feel alone, He fills the aching vacuum with His Power. So that my security rests in His Promise to be near to me always and in the knowledge that He will never let me go.<P><BR> I¹ve lived that passage. <P> Needless to say, Christmas was a very hard time for the whole family. Christmas Eve, I stumbled through the mall looking for last minute gifts for the kids, so they would have something under the tree. Christmas morning, I got the kids dressed and headed to Jill¹s parents house. As I got in the door, Connie and Al and I were over whelmed with pain. The kids looked up at Grandmom & Grandpop and I holding each other and crying. <P> Mark, in January, I thought I had felt more pain than I could have handled, but God allowed more tragedy in. I got a phone call that said, Jill was pregnant. When I heard that, I dropped the phone and ran out the door. I hurt so bad that I couldn¹t even cry! I ran out toward the road. I was looking for the biggest truck to run in front of. That was it, I couldn¹t handle life any more. My beautiful bride, my precious wife was violated and I couldn¹t live any more. A Christian brother ran out after me and wrestled me down to the ground and held me til I gave up. I cried and cried in his arms. It hurt so bad!<P> Some how, God protected our kids through all of this. The first day Jill gave the kids to me, I never gave them back. I held on to them and Jill¹s parents watched them while I went to work. Woolston¹s stood behind me the whole way. Mark, we even had to go through child custody court. Praise God, the judge awarded custody to me, so that the girls were surrounded by family that loved them and protected them. Roland was ready to toss them off with his aunt in Philadelphia. Thank God, he never had that opportunity.<P> In March, the police came after Roland for something and took him off to jail. So there was Jill all alone now for a little while. I managed to talk her into seeing the counselor I was going to. I thought, COOL, Roland¹s out of the way, now I can try and talk Jill out of all this, with the counselor. Well, the opposite happened. Mark, I didn¹t even recognize Jill, she had changed so much in that short time. With as much sincerity as I could, I shared with Jill how bad this whole thing hurt, and how much I loved her and wanted her back. I cried as I shared this with her. Mark, it was as if, she ripped my heart out of my chest, through it down on the floor and stomped all over it. She was so cold toward me, it was incredible. She bluntly said that she would NEVER come back to me and wanted to stay with Roland.<P> The next morning, I cried in the shower as I finally took off my wedding ring. I actually saw my marriage die, right in front of my face. It was gone, dead and gone. I cried as I told God, OK God, what ever You have for me. I don¹t know. It¹s all in Your Hands now. I take my hands off of it.<P> A few weeks after that, on a Saturday night, I felt like God woke me up at about 3 AM and told me, "Get out of bed, get on your knees and start praying for your wife." So I did. I got on my knees and started poring out my heart for Jill. I prayed for her, for over an hour. The next night, the same thing happened. I got woken up and told to pray for Jill, so I did. This time, I prayed even longer.<P> On Jill¹s side, at the very same time, she got woken up to a vision. The vision was that she was standing in our home, the door opened and my mother came in, walked over to Jill, reached out and hugged her so tight! She hugged her and kissed her and said, Jill, I love YOU. That made Jill start crying. She was awake the whole night crying over that vision. The next night again, the same vision. She again cried the whole night. God started softening her heart. What an incredible picture of the the Love of Christ for us. "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."<P> Monday, after this happened, I left work at lunch and drove to Woolston¹s house. Inside, I just knew Jill would be there, and she was. She stopped in to see the kids. I got out of the car, Mark the only way I can explain it, is I felt a GREEN LIGHT from God. I felt Him say, this is it! Go for it! I walked up to Jill and looked right at her, and said softly, Jill, it¹s time, ...come home. She looked at me surprised at first that I would ask that, after this long, then thought and looked back and said, OK!<P> WOW Mark, I was worse than a kid at Christmas!!! I ran back to my car and pulled everything out and cleared out the trunk, and said, come on Jill, lets get your stuff!!! WOW, it was a miracle!!! A real Miracle! We drove to that crummy place and started packing up all her things. Roland was out working. The first thing I went for was her wedding rings. Well, Roland sold them, Jill explained. She still had the receipt for them. Jill cried and said, you won¹t believe the things I¹ve done. I said Jill, don¹t even worry about it now! Your safe and everything is OK. After we got the car packed with her things (we looked like gypsies) we drove to the hook-shop. They still had the rings! I paid for them and had the incredible privilege of placing them back on her finger. I also had the privilege of taking the rings Roland bought her, (with her credit card) and throwing them as far as I could, never to be seen again!!<P> As we drove home, Jill grabbed on to my arm and held it so tight as if I had just rescued her. After we got everything moved back in, we had a big dinner at Woolston¹s house!! We had a lot to celebrate!! This was really hard on Woolston¹s too, as you could imagine. It was hard on everyone. But it was over, "what was lost was now found, what was dead was now alive again!"<P> It was Jill back again. The Jill I knew and loved. We both went to counseling weekly. I was the happiest husband alive! But we still had another issue to deal with. Jill was still very much pregnant. What were we going to do with the baby? There was no way, I wanted that baby. In the same way, there was no way Jill was going to give it up. Not because it was Roland¹s, but because it was part of her. Mark, there¹s something that happens in a mother that we, as men, will never understand. A woman¹s whole mind and body is geared to protecting and nurturing that baby, no matter what! That¹s something that God builds in.<P> That baby meant a lot of hurt for me, but it was part of Jill. We prayed together a lot to ask Him what should be done. Well, God¹s incredible. God worked on my heart so much that one day, during church, I scribed on a note to Jill, that I feel like God¹s been talking to me and He¹s given me a love for this baby. Jill, I said in the note, I think God wants us to keep the baby. I know I could love it. Well, Jill wrote back, No, God¹s been dealing with me about it and I feel like we need to place the baby for adoption! <P> Mark, did you see what just happened??!! God managed to get us both to the opposite side of our desires. It wasn¹t until we both got to that point that He started to open up the doors, to what we were suppose to do. We were introduced, miraculously, to a beautiful Christian couple who couldn¹t have kids and desperately wanted kids. They lived in Charlottesville Virginia. As it turned out, after a lot of letters and phone calls and a visit, Jill drove down 4 weeks before the due date and lived with them for that time. I drove down every weekend to be with Jill. Once Jill would go into labor, they would call me and I Œd drop everything and go down to be with Jill. As God would have it, Jill went into labor while I was already down there. September 4th (Labor Day) God brought into this world, a little Jessica Marie package. 9 lbs 0 oz. 22 inches long. The next day, the adoptive parents came to the hospital and we all gathered into the room, prayed for each other, and cried and hugged as Jill handed little Jessica over to them.<P> We cried as we drove home to New Jersey, back to our little girls. A month later, we had to drive back down to officially sign over our parental rights to the adoptive parents. God moved Roland right out of the picture. Roland was sent consent forms to sign, in which he never returned. He made a few noises, but nothing significant. Because he never sent his forms, Virginia interprets that as the father gaving up his rights. Because of that, the adoption when through. Again, it was a very emotional time. We hugged again and cried a lot.<P> Mark, I can honestly say that my relationship with Jill now is closer than the day we married. I LOVE my wife and I have NO Doubt that she loves me too. I¹ve dropped all my responsibilities at the church and settled into building up my family. You know, it was during some of those dark times that God became the sweetest to me. He honestly Loves me. I know that now more than I ever did.<P> Mark, like you said on the phone, it was God who held our marriages together during the tough times. You shared a little bit about your over sea¹s time away from Barbara. That¹s a very stressful time too.<P> You know, the reason why I wanted to share this with you, was not to bare our "dirty laundry" but to share how AWESOME God is. I thought about this before, I think if you were to sum up the whole Bible into one word, that word would be Restoration. God restored a relationship between God and man, through the death of His Son Jesus on the cross. And He¹s still in the business of Restoring, ABOVE AND BEYOND WHAT WE COULD EVER ASK OR THINK.<P> Now for some more news. We are 95% sure Jill is pregnant again! Isn¹t that cool! Jill is pretty happy about it also. I know she feels the lose of Jessica. Especially when she sees a little baby. I¹m praying for a boy!<P> You know, May 17th, will be our 10th year anniversary. I can honestly say that I¹d do it over again if I had to. God blessed me more than I deserve in my wife. We do so much together now and as a family. I was thinking a while ago, that, in a way, what I had before was only a counterfeit of a marriage, compared to what we have now. Someone said once, a good way to get a true measurment of your relationship with God, is by looking at your relationship with your wife. I believe that.<P> So what happened to Roland? Well, he¹s in a rehabilitation Center in Pennsylvania somewhere. This is something else God is working on me right now. I¹ve had a lot of hatred and bitterness against Roland. That can not be though. I heard someone say once that you can not hate someone while praying for them. So I¹m doing that. It was pretty hard at first to even think about praying for him, but I know I have to. I¹ve been praying for him almost everyday. So far God has protected us from seeing him, but I don¹t think that will last forever. And when that time comes for me to see him face to face, I want the mind of Christ, not my own. I don¹t believe I will ever be friends with him, that wouldn¹t be healthy for my family, but I do have to forgive him. I¹m getting to that point, and that¹s a miracle in itself.<P> John DeBrine¹s words, "What are you doing today, that can only be explained by God?" Well, a lot! Guess what? A guy by the name of Andy Butch (an Englishman) called us up. He¹s a writer for a few Christian magazines. He heard about our story and asked if he could write an article about it. We thought it over and prayed about it and said, yes. If God could use our story to help someone else, then go for it. The magazine is called Charisma. We will be in the May addition. Also in another magazine article in the UK. He¹s going to send us a copy of it.<P> God said that He would do Immeasurably more than you can even ask or think! Well, it¹s happening. It¹s happening.<P> Well, I need to go to bed. Now I won¹t be taking so much time away from your wife when I talk to you. I know now how precious that time is. Mark, Love your Wife as Christ Loved the Church. and let Him figure out the rest!<P> To Him be the Glory!<P> Mark Ford<BR> One very happy husband!<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by trustntruth (edited September 29, 1999).]

TNT: with tears in my eyes I thank you for the post of this letter. While I am still saddened and lost I do feel a ray of hope. I believe this ray stems from I believe strongly in God and I can see that he has blessed many of you and I pray that through some miracle I can receive what Mark received. With help such as you have given and with prayer I believe I will.

TNT - I, too, have tears in my eyes...<P>Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful story...I have printed it so that I may read it when I am down.<P>You always have something to offer for hope!!!<P>Paul -<P>I don't know what else to say for you at the moment...<P>God Bless you both,<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

wow, now that's what i call getting encouraged on the forum.

TNT,<P>Thanks so much for sharing. Made me feel real good inside. PTL again.<P>What a great testimony!<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

TNT, That was such a beautiful letter. Thank you so much for sharing it. It was very interesting because I'm from the same area.I cried my way through reading it. I have been praying for my h to come to know God, as well as for him to come home. I've also tried to pray for the ow and now I hear her h is trying to reconcile. I know that this is a spiritual battle and God is working in our lives. We all need to hear success stories. To God be the glory.

TNT: Mark contacted me and I emailed him back, I'm awaiting his reply.<P>Sheeba, Neen, Samantha, Noe, : Thanks for taking the time to care.

Thank you for sharing that.

I hope all the names were changed in that long post.

Why? Change Names?

I'm bringing this back to the top for those who are newer and missed Mark's story, it is truly inspirational.

That was the most powerful teatimony I have heard. I'm reading it with tears rolling down my cheeks. Right now my wife is with OM.As painful as that is it gives me great hope,for I truly believe it is God's will for my W and I to be married. I have recently dwdicated my life to serving the Lord. I have thanked him over and over for giving me the opportunity to get to know him, and for Him to get to know me.I thank Him for this chance to grow emotionaly. My W wants to live in God's will. she has told me that. However she won't surrender to it. I will contiue to pray diligently for her to live in His will. I love her so very much and I believe God will bring her mack. Thank you for your experience, stregth, and hope.<P>------------------<BR>BB

Thank you Paul for re-posting this. Thank you TNT for sharing. This letter gave me hope for my husband and marriage. What a wonderful testimony Mark is. Thanks again.