What she means is, she tries to *tend like* she's my Momma !

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Suz <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks everyone. I hear you, and you're absolutely right. I don't deserve to be treated like this by them, and THEY don't deserve any explanations from me. Maybe I kind of wanted to send the letter as a sort of a nice in-your-face thing...you know, reminding them of all that they're missing out on?? But sending them a letter is really pointless. If they REALLY wanted a relationship, then come h*ll or high water, they'd make sure they'd contact me. They've busted their buts to make money for various THINGS they've wanted in life, but they can't pick up the phone, write a letter, or stop by my house?? What you truly desire is where you spend your time. Clearly they'd rather have their "stuff" and not relationships with other people. I have to stop beating myself up over this, or scratching my head, wondering why in the world ANYONE would want to live that way. I guess I'll find the answers when I see Jesus in Heaven. Until then, I guess I've just got to do what I've got to do to protect myself and my kids from such destructive relationships.

BTW...did I bother mentioning that my mother egged me own to try to throw TD over the edge and get him to kill himself??? The woman is so sick! I don't want to turn out like her.

Crystal

YIKES!!!!! That is REALLY SICK.

Crystal - My pastor used to tell folks to look at their checkbook and their calendar to figure out what their real priorities were.

It's not you --- it's them. You will never gain their approval nor will you ever be "good enough" to please them.

You don't have to "be right" in order to leave them alone --- it's simply a decision you have "the right" to make --- BIG difference.

Believe me, they never read or hear what you are trying to convey. They hear it through their own warped and twisted way of thinking and reasoning.

The letter is pointless. It is a waste of your energy trying to get it just right.

I've written far to many of them myself.

The best thing you can do is go out and pick them up a Happy Valentine's Day card. Sign it and say "Happy Valentine's Day, Love, Crystal".

When they treat you with craziness, remain detached, but you can respond with love. That way you won't have regrets later. Just think of them as *sick*.

It takes a while to get to this point.

Susan

if I may ---- part of the pathology that emerges is that inside yourself, you feel that if you can just get your mother to change then there is no worry you might turn out like her....

and you already know the answer to that, doncha?

Hmmmm... I never really thought of it like that. I personally can't understand why anyone would WANT to be the way she is. It's been a running joke in our family that my mother isn't happy unless she's complaining about something. When she does something out of the "kindness of her heart" for someone, she complains to everyone else about how she SACRIFICED herself, and "oh woe is me" blah, blah, blah...when nobody ASKED for her help in the FIRST place.

I can't change her. I KNOW that...which is one of the reasons I haven't crawled back to her. The only thing I can do now is try to recognize those negative traits in myself and try to fix them. I just don't want to end up a cranky, hateful, critical person like she is.

Crystal

Crystal --- you got moxie girl, and I like moxie

you said:



step 1

stop complaining about your mother <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

seriously

just stop yourself mid-sentence next time you find yourself complaining about her --- and say "enough of this"

then force yourself to move to a different subject

Ditto!

I can't believe that Pep wrote this because it crossed my mind earlier and I was busy cleaning house and didn't take the time to type it.

If you don't want to end up being critical like her, the first step is to stop criticising her. If you can begin there and do that, they rest will be easy.

Good advice.

Oh my gosh - Susan and Pep - Don't you think that a certain amount of good comes from spilling out all of these feelings?

To an extent, but not indefinitely. It's like staying stuck in a rut.

Acknowledge it, accept it, use the experience to seek the life you desire.

Constantly discussing it keeps her angry and focused on her mom. Her focus doesn't need to be on something she can't change. It will suck all of the joy from her life and she will become a complaining critical person.

It's much like continuing to complain and whine about a WS that never ends an affair. After a while you have to make a choice. Stay stuck or focus on YOU and what you can change...being the best that you can be.

Susan

To be quite honest, I don't wallow in these thoughts of my mother on a daily basis. In fact, I try not to think about her at all. I rarely speak of her, and when I do, it's usually very matter-of-factly. I know that quite a bit of anger comes across in my posts about her, but I really wanted to relay the entire story of what happened and how she is, so that you could give me advice on how to change myself.

Aunt C still gets anger in her voice every time she talks about my mom...I continually tell her that getting mad isn't going to change things and it'll only eat her up inside.

I guess old wounds were opened the other day with the phone call from her (and the whole story BEHIND the phone call...and how not only did she play a HUGE game of tag to try to GET me to call her, but she expected me to use a PAYPHONE and not my home phone...she over-reacts to everything). Anyway, I don't go around complaining about her all of the time...but perhaps I make the comparison in my head too often...something I'll need to change.

Crystal

((( Crystal )))

your entire life you will have your mother's critical voice 'stuck' in your head

boo

however, you can drown out her critical cacophony --- and replace it with your own joyful noise

you can do it